Tough Times

[Belulah]

@Bezolabub If it’s any comfort you are a poster who always stands out to me. I enjoy your writing and always keep an eye out for you.
You are still very young at 27- you have plenty of time to start a family. When your partner is your age you will only be 30.

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Apparently, the South African government has announced it will open its international borders in the next month to all nations including the UK.

So that certainly greases the wheels, and since I have dual-nationality I don't need to worry about visas.

Of course I still have this house to sell, as well as actually telling my parents I'll be a little more closer to home sooner rather than later, ha!

I've also got a house-move planner fired up on my other monitor, along with a few other things I need to get things moving.

For the first time since the clocks went back a couple of weeks ago I feel exceedingly motivated

@Bezolabub I don’t have any wise words but I just wanted to send you a virtual hug I guess. Wrap you up in kind words. I’ve also joined TL recently (well, lurked a while and became
active recently) and these days just seeing your username makes me smile, like seeing an old friend. You seem really awesome and I’m cheering for you! The fact you can recognise dark days means that you’ll be able to see brighter days too right? Wishing you only the best. Please be kind to yourself.

Thanks for the kind words. And I still love your username purely because its like a swear word and I have the mind of a giggling teenager, lol.

I feel very upbeat today, not least because the South African government will be lifting open borders to international travel very soon. Which means I can bugger off "home" without much faffing about.

 

[Mulholland Drive]

A small update in that I am back with my girlfriend again after a rather bitter break-up 3 weeks ago.

Even though she lives many miles away I am happy that we're an item again, and I will make a determined effort to keep it that way.

I still drink, but my dark depressing thoughts have lifted somewhat.

 

[Mulholland Drive]

This is going to sound cut throat but - Ultimately we must end up with partners that fit with our long term goals and plans, or there has to be some compromise. Depending on how much you love her, could you hold off kids until she’s ready?

The last thing you’d want is for her to agree to move forward with kids and then for her to regret it. Having children isn’t something that can be half hearted

Trust me, I get these urges to have children occasionally, and it’s difficult because my partner and I are the same age (both 23), and he wants to wait. But I do love him and recognise I’m still very very young, so I can wait

I do genuinely love her, but she's just turned 24 to my 27. Not much of a gap, but she is young having only left university a couple of years ago. Really don't want to tie her down to my plans and needs while she carries on exploring life. And the idea of having children would just complicate things because I don't think her parents are all that switched on to same-sex marriages and two women bringing up children. And to be honest I don't think she is fully onboard either.

Therefore, I think I will cut my losses with her, and just stay friends. I'm sure she'll be quietly relieved by that, and it means one less thing to hold me back (which sounds harsh, but in a good way)

From this post it sounds like you are part of the way to sorting out your issues, at least you are asking questions and actually doing something about it, perhaps the UK isn't really for you from what I understand. Moving back to SA IMO might be the solution, especially with the SAD condition.

I was tossing and turning about this very issue earlier this morning, hence my early presence on here. Have lived here for about 13/14 years, and loved every moment. But I think as I approach another stepping stone in my life, I need to lay some new foundations as soon as I can. And I think being near my family would certainly help (plus they're getting on in years, so will need looking after at some point).

The more I read in the papers about the utter clusterfuck (pardon my French) the UK is heading into over the next 12-24 months with the pandemic, the economy, the national debt and Brexit, the more I am convinced its time to move on, otherwise my depression and anxiety will get worse, as will my drinking.

The South African economy isn't exactly great either, but its more than just that. I have family and friends over there, the climate is better/warmer, and of course its a huge country, so plenty of places to work and live without getting too enveloped in the relentless rat race of urban life.

The more I think about this the more positive I feel I am making the right decision.

There's a great quote from the film "The Shawshank Redemption", which I printed off, laminated and had framed and hung on my office wall years ago, which says

"Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying"

Damn Right to the first one!

 

[Mulholland Drive]

I am 27, female, living alone, in a lesbian relationship. I am also South African living in England, with my parents living in South Africa.

For the last few months I have become very maternal, and wanting desperately to settle down and have children. Not helped by pressure from my parents, who want to become grandparents.

They were quite surprised/shocked when I "came out" some 10 years ago, but they eventually accepted me for what I am. And now of course they keep on asking "when will we see children?"

However, my current partner, 3 years my junior, just interested in any overtures towards families and children. And I guess, given her age, I don't really blame her.

But then again she ticks so many of my boxes that I really don't want to lose her and start again elsewhere. Moreover, she has recently being diagnosed with covid-19, which she is now panicking about because she has a weak immune system, and is scared she may not make it through.

On top of all that, I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which kicked in big time when the clocks went back a week or so ago. And now all I can think is negative thoughts and a depression when the days become dark relatively early in the afternoon. As a consequence I feel like telling my partner to piss off if she doesn't want to commit. And yet I know this is a totally selfish thing to say because if I ever did say that she would more than likely walk out of my life, and I would be well and truly on my own.

I used to be an alcoholic during my university days, but gave all that up when I started full-time employment. But right now, I keep on thinking about going back to the bottle because I feel so sorry for myself, even though I should really check my privilege.

I'm not really sure where I am going with this post. Perhaps it demonstrates the state of my mindset right now. I just don't know what to do.

 

[Mulholland Drive]

If you feel the urge creeping in to turn to alcohol please contact AA and see if you can chat to someone

Have already done so. And I am trying to "say no" to my next drink. But sometimes when you're sitting in a room on your own, looking at photos of the person you thought you loved, and weighing other things up, coupled with this SAD shroud, you just push aside logic and think "Oh one more drink won't hurt!"

But for the moment I will resist the temptation

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Not harsh at all, I'm so here for this energy tbh. Glad it sounds like you're feeling better! Moving to SA sounds like the right thing for you, it must be so hard being away from your family. Totally agree with what you've said re making an escape from the shit show here as well

Am so pleased to find a site like this, and the kind support it offers compared to the usual embittered social media sites I could mention.

Thank you all

 

[If you say so...]

This is going to sound cut throat but - Ultimately we must end up with partners that fit with our long term goals and plans, or there has to be some compromise. Depending on how much you love her, could you hold off kids until she’s ready?

The last thing you’d want is for her to agree to move forward with kids and then for her to regret it. Having children isn’t something that can be half hearted

Trust me, I get these urges to have children occasionally, and it’s difficult because my partner and I are the same age (both 23), and he wants to wait. But I do love him and recognise I’m still very very young, so I can wait

it’s difficult because we all think we will be able to have / bear a child, which is why I was so complacent Obviously I don’t want to scare monger but I regret wasting 5 years with someone who didn’t want kids (I thought I could change his mind! But I’m so glad I didn’t now)

 

[Fofoca]

@Bezolabub I don’t have any wise words but I just wanted to send you a virtual hug I guess. Wrap you up in kind words. I’ve also joined TL recently (well, lurked a while and became
active recently) and these days just seeing your username makes me smile, like seeing an old friend. You seem really awesome and I’m cheering for you! The fact you can recognise dark days means that you’ll be able to see brighter days too right? Wishing you only the best. Please be kind to yourself.

 

[Mulholland Drive]

@Bezolabub check out soberistas (google them) you have to pay if you want to contribute but it's well worth it and only around £60 per year (I think!) that's less than I used to spend on wine in a month but the wonderful (mainly women) on there are very supportive and there are so many inspiring reads. I think you'd find help there when you have a wobble, it's a really positive place.

Regarding your parents, ignore them. My mother has been hinting for 16 years and I'm one of 4 of her kids. My older brother can't have kids and I've been trying for 18 months with my fella, to no avail - we're due to start the fertility tests shortly. The other two haven't provided mothers much wanted grandchildren yet either - one was supposed to get married this year but, COVID. The other is still young and care free.

It's down to you and your Mrs when you decide to start trying, not your parents. Like others have said, you're still young so if you're not 100% sure you both want the same thing I'd cut your losses. Kids are a huge deal and even trying puts pressure on a relationship!

Good luck and stay happy - whatever you do checkout the soberistas website.

Thank you for the suggestion. Have taken a quick peek and it looks interesting, especially the free 7 day trial followed by an annual fee of around £40. Which as you say is less than I would pay for a case of Jacob's Creek Chardonnay that used to last me less than a week!

As for my girlfriend. Well if we do split up no big deal - more fish in the sea, as they say! Kids can wait despite my occasional maternal yearnings. Just want to focus on my career, qualifications and moving back home next year. And then by the time I'm 30 kids and wives will be my priority, but not now.

Thank you all

 

[Scorpihoe]

This is going to sound cut throat but - Ultimately we must end up with partners that fit with our long term goals and plans, or there has to be some compromise. Depending on how much you love her, could you hold off kids until she’s ready?

The last thing you’d want is for her to agree to move forward with kids and then for her to regret it. Having children isn’t something that can be half hearted

Trust me, I get these urges to have children occasionally, and it’s difficult because my partner and I are the same age (both 23), and he wants to wait. But I do love him and recognise I’m still very very young, so I can wait

 

[BettyCrocker]

You are so young! You are only 27!!!! Can you have a chat with your parents and ask them to refrain from putting on this pressure regarding grandchildren?? It’s really not fair on you and frankly it’s none of their business!!!!!

your g/f is also extremely young and yknow I’m not at all surprised that she’s no where near thinking about settling down or starting a family.

it sounds like you are at a crossroads and I’d suggest that you take some time on your own to figure out what you want to do. Are you in a position to relocate back to SA? You sound like you would be far happier there.

please seek help regarding the alcohol and your low mood - can you go to see your GP here to discuss your options?? Even a course of medication for a few months might help.

ETA: having children is a wonderful experience but it is also probably the hardest, most physically, emotionally and financially draining thing you will ever do. You need to get yourself into a good place before you even consider embarking on becoming a parent. Your life changes dramatically when you have a child and even though you love them with your whole heart there is no denying that my god, it is tough at times and there is no down time, no time off - it’s relentless! You are young - live your life and enjoy yourself before you commit to children/another person.

 

[Mulholland Drive]

how long have you been with your girlfriend? How would you feel about talking to her about how you feel?

Only a few months to be honest. She is/was a pleasure to be with, but I am asking a lot from her, and I really don't want to put her in that position so young in life.

I am sure I will find a woman of my dreams to whom I can relate to when I do finally emigrate.

Just so long as I can keep off the booze for the next few weeks/months I will see that as a bigger achievement because right now I feel a close affinity for a bottle of wine than the warm comforting presence of another woman - which clearly isn't right.

PS. If I was in a position to do so I would PM you all individually and thank you for your kindness and good wishes. But alas I am still a noobie and don't have that option yet.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Have already done so. And I am trying to "say no" to my next drink. But sometimes when you're sitting in a room on your own, looking at photos of the person you thought you loved, and weighing other things up, coupled with this SAD shroud, you just push aside logic and think "Oh one more drink won't hurt!"

But for the moment I will resist the temptation

I'm so sorry to hear and I know being so far from family can feel even more isolating. Despite SA being so big one can always just jump in the car and drive to see family, a far cry from having to take a 12 hour flight!
I hope you make the right decisions for yourself.

 

[Happy35]

I am rubbish at giving advice on forums as think I sound patronising but please get some counselling and don’t relapse back to drinking, Alcoholics Anonymous are still offering support virtually and I am sure there are others who would do the same.
Your GP would be able to help with your SAD and add you to the list for counselling, although in my area there is a long wait.
Fingers crossed your partner recovers well in the next week or two and you can support each other

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Moving abroad is a process and after living here for fifteen years I still struggle. I miss my family as they are all still in SA and I also just miss other Saffas and our sense of humour.

Keep in mind that you are dealing with a lot. Despite the fantastic opportunities provided by the UK leaving your home country is difficult. I started struggling with anxiety a couple of years after I moved here and still do on and off. I got help and had both CBT and councelling. The CBT did not work for me but the councelling was amazing. I could talk in a non-judgmental environment and say all the "crazy" things I wanted and just in general got everything off my chest. Along with that I do journalling which also helps when you write down all your fears. Walking the dogs and yoga also helped.

Never be ashamed to ask for help. You'd be surprised once you start talking about it how many people have been or are in the same boat

I usually return to SA this time of year, not only to see my family, but to enjoy some far better weather. I then return to the UK around March time, which is when the clocks go forward and the lighter mornings/nights return.

But with this covid circus doing the rounds I haven't been able to do that, and thus my SAD anxieties just become bigger problems, and each day becomes nothing more than a struggle at times. But I think you're right: perhaps I really should seek counseling and just get a few things off my chest. I really don't want to turn to the booze, and I am just relieved I don't have any in the house.

Thank you

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Thanks for the feedback. I have been thinking about getting some initial advice from AA, even though I am resisting any thoughts of going back to the bottle.

I haven't been able to get much sleep as of late either (am writing this at almost 5 in the morning). Guess I'm overthinking things, or just getting stressed out over relatively trivial things. I can still see/talk to my g/f via Skype while she's in isolation, so its not as though we can't stay in touch. But she is fretting that her immune system won't be resistant enough to fight the virus off. But that's in her GP's hands to take to the next level.

My mood has lifted slightly since writing this thread yesterday, in that my period has finished, and I feel just a little more uplifted,

And I have ordered one of those lamps from Amazon. I've had then before but never really worked for me. But will try again, even if it offers some marginal relief it will be better than nothing

Thank you

 

[judgejohndeed]

Just to compound my lot, had a big argument with my g/f yesterday over where we see our selves in the next few years.

Seems we had two visions, and mine didn't include her! Didn't go down too well, and now we've had a bit of a falling out possibly permanently. But will shall see,

The singe life seems far more attractive and far less complicated.

If you disagree over things like having children you're really better off cutting your losses now. That probably sounds harsh and I don't intend it to. But if you stay hoping someone changes their mind, someone ends up resenting the other. Either you because you wanted children and she doesn't change her mind, or her because you ended up having kids she didn't want. Unfortunately this isn't really an issue where there can be much compromise, if she said she didn't want them 'yet' I would understand more because she is only 24. But equally I feel like the difference in where you're at in your lives is really quite big between your early-mid 20s and your mid-late 20s. If you want to have children sooner rather than later, that's not 'wrong' just because she's young. But it does mean you might need to focus on finding someone a bit older, or even someone who is young and ready, or of course - have your kids now without a partner at all, that's just as much an option as the others.

I second what Belulah said by the way, and I'm really sorry you're having a hard time. I hope things pick up for you.

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Thanks for the replies. The more I think about it the more I am convinced I am to bide my time, ignore the whims of my parents, and just wait until I'm good and ready.

My intention was always to return to SA in the next year or so. But given this pandemic fiasco, I might bring that forward to early 2021 and take it from there. At least I will be near my family once more, and perhaps my SAD may lift.

Shame to be leaving the UK. I do love it here, but there are too many uncertainties. And the more I think about staying here the more tempted I am to go to the local supermarket and buy bottles of wine again.

First World problems, lol

 

[BettyCrocker]

Thanks for the replies. The more I think about it the more I am convinced I am to bide my time, ignore the whims of my parents, and just wait until I'm good and ready.

My intention was always to return to SA in the next year or so. But given this pandemic fiasco, I might bring that forward to early 2021 and take it from there. At least I will be near my family once more, and perhaps my SAD may lift.

Shame to be leaving the UK. I do love it here, but there are too many uncertainties. And the more I think about staying here the more tempted I am to go to the local supermarket and buy bottles of wine again.

First World problems, lol

If you feel the urge creeping in to turn to alcohol please contact AA and see if you can chat to someone