Tough Times

[If you say so...]

@Bezolabub check out soberistas (google them) you have to pay if you want to contribute but it's well worth it and only around £60 per year (I think!) that's less than I used to spend on wine in a month but the wonderful (mainly women) on there are very supportive and there are so many inspiring reads. I think you'd find help there when you have a wobble, it's a really positive place.

Regarding your parents, ignore them. My mother has been hinting for 16 years and I'm one of 4 of her kids. My older brother can't have kids and I've been trying for 18 months with my fella, to no avail - we're due to start the fertility tests shortly. The other two haven't provided mothers much wanted grandchildren yet either - one was supposed to get married this year but, COVID. The other is still young and care free.

It's down to you and your Mrs when you decide to start trying, not your parents. Like others have said, you're still young so if you're not 100% sure you both want the same thing I'd cut your losses. Kids are a huge deal and even trying puts pressure on a relationship!

Good luck and stay happy - whatever you do checkout the soberistas website.

 

[Scorpihoe]

Am so pleased to find a site like this, and the kind support it offers compared to the usual embittered social media sites I could mention.

Thank you all

how long have you been with your girlfriend? How would you feel about talking to her about how you feel?

 

[Bae56]

It depends on how much you want it. If you really want to have kids then being in a relationship where that's never going to happen is a big sacrifice. If your girlfriend does tick all the other boxes, hopefully she'll reconsider if she knows how important it is to you.
My previous relationship was with someone younger than me. After a couple of years we had a talk about kids/marriage & it wasn't on his radar. I stayed for another 4 years & nothing changed on his part, everything changed on mine. We weren't a good match & not having kids was only a tiny fraction of why I broke it off.
I knew I'd rather be on my own than waste time with someone who wasn't right for me. Fast forward a few years and I'm a mum.

It's not good you're getting pressure from parents, as if we don't feel enough pressure from ourselves when we want it! I hope you do have babies until then enjoy every minute of your free time do the things that make you happy.

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Sorry you are struggling! As cliche as it sounds things will get better! We’ve all been in that position it’s rubbish but you will get through it. Depression is making me have horrible thoughts and I find things too much some days it’s really hard. tattle has been a massive support getting to talk to different people and not feeling too isolated. Keep talking to us

Thanks for your kind words.

Have got through my bad patch from earlier, had a shower and feel much better for the moment.

Living alone during a lockdown really doesn't help one's depressive thoughts. But sites like this, and friends on Zoom & Teams do help.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Thanks for the feedback. I have been thinking about getting some initial advice from AA, even though I am resisting any thoughts of going back to the bottle.

I haven't been able to get much sleep as of late either (am writing this at almost 5 in the morning). Guess I'm overthinking things, or just getting stressed out over relatively trivial things. I can still see/talk to my g/f via Skype while she's in isolation, so its not as though we can't stay in touch. But she is fretting that her immune system won't be resistant enough to fight the virus off. But that's in her GP's hands to take to the next level.

My mood has lifted slightly since writing this thread yesterday, in that my period has finished, and I feel just a little more uplifted,

And I have ordered one of those lamps from Amazon. I've had then before but never really worked for me. But will try again, even if it offers some marginal relief it will be better than nothing

Thank you

Moving abroad is a process and after living here for fifteen years I still struggle. I miss my family as they are all still in SA and I also just miss other Saffas and our sense of humour.

Keep in mind that you are dealing with a lot. Despite the fantastic opportunities provided by the UK leaving your home country is difficult. I started struggling with anxiety a couple of years after I moved here and still do on and off. I got help and had both CBT and councelling. The CBT did not work for me but the councelling was amazing. I could talk in a non-judgmental environment and say all the "crazy" things I wanted and just in general got everything off my chest. Along with that I do journalling which also helps when you write down all your fears. Walking the dogs and yoga also helped.

Never be ashamed to ask for help. You'd be surprised once you start talking about it how many people have been or are in the same boat

 

[LaurieLaurie]

When I feel like this I step back and say/do nothing and let things settle in my mind before i make a decision I might regret.

 

[Definitelyme]

Did you look in to your local chapter of AA? Many are running zoom meetings to attend. Alcoholism is a disease, no amount of “checking your privilege” can stop that disease taking hold. You can have everything go in the world you want and still be an alcoholic. Please seek help this weekend before you relapse.

 

[Scorpihoe]

it’s difficult because we all think we will be able to have / bear a child, which is why I was so complacent Obviously I don’t want to scare monger but I regret wasting 5 years with someone who didn’t want kids (I thought I could change his mind! But I’m so glad I didn’t now)

Of course, I never get into relationships unless I am certain they share the same long term goals as me. Otherwise I’ll just end up wasting my time and falling in love and just hurting myself I did that with my ex. He was really immature even though he was 5 years older than me!

 

[judgejohndeed]

And it means one less thing to hold me back (which sounds harsh, but in a good way)

Not harsh at all, I'm so here for this energy tbh. Glad it sounds like you're feeling better! Moving to SA sounds like the right thing for you, it must be so hard being away from your family. Totally agree with what you've said re making an escape from the shit show here as well

 

[Bae56]

As for my girlfriend. Well if we do split up no big deal - more fish in the sea, as they say! Kids can wait despite my occasional maternal yearnings. Just want to focus on my career, qualifications and moving back home next year. And then by the time I'm 30 kids and wives will be my priority, but not now.

Thank you all

This sounds great, focusing on you & your own goals. Then, wife & kids will fall into place when the times right.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I started struggling with SAD when I moved to the UK. You need to buy a SAD lamp they do help. It’s because we are not used to all the darkness and cold because SA even has loads of sun in the winter.

 

[Mulholland Drive]

@Bezolabub If it’s any comfort you are a poster who always stands out to me. I enjoy your writing and always keep an eye out for you.
You are still very young at 27- you have plenty of time to start a family. When your partner is your age you will only be 30.

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I am relatively young, and still have a good few years to consider starting a family. But as I mentioned in my OP I am getting nagged from my parents, and when I read some of the threads on here (and elsewhere) and the talk of babies and children, I just get very broody and want to have kids of my own.

But best not to rush into these things until ever piece of the jigsaw fits into place - which is better said than done of course. Right now I am in my home on my own with nothing but silence and the tippy-tapping of this keyboard. I would love to have a baby or child playing in the next room and calling me "Mommy!"

But I can wait awhile longer for that dream to finally materialise

Contra Spem Spero

 

[If you say so...]

Thank you for the suggestion. Have taken a quick peek and it looks interesting, especially the free 7 day trial followed by an annual fee of around £40. Which as you say is less than I would pay for a case of Jacob's Creek Chardonnay that used to last me less than a week!

As for my girlfriend. Well if we do split up no big deal - more fish in the sea, as they say! Kids can wait despite my occasional maternal yearnings. Just want to focus on my career, qualifications and moving back home next year. And then by the time I'm 30 kids and wives will be my priority, but not now.

Thank you all

It really is!

It's when you approach 30 that the maternal feeling hit the hardest I think. you sound really positive and level headed which is good to hear!

 

[Bae56]

ETA: having children is a wonderful experience but it is also probably the hardest, most physically, emotionally and financially draining thing you will ever do. You need to get yourself into a good place before you even consider embarking on becoming a parent. Your life changes dramatically when you have a child and even though you love them with your whole heart there is no denying that my god, it is tough at times and there is no down time, no time off - it’s relentless! You are young - live your life and enjoy yourself before you commit to children/another person.

This is so true. It is non stop, every second of every minute. It's things you don't think of like being able to pee, shower or eat when you want. Housework, laundry and cooking doesn't end ontop of looking after them & making sure they're safe. Mine are tiny & I've spent a good portion of my day hanging laundry back up that they've persistently pulled down and threw all over the place. As funny as that sounds I really need it to dry or the saga won't end lol. Nothing can be left out, they'll find the tiniest crumb and eat it. It's constant. Everything else takes a back seat & it can get lonely at times although you're never alone. That being said you can't explain the love you have, it's overwhelming.

 

[Pizzledizzle]

It’s such a difficult position to be in when you care so much for someone and you begin to realise you’re not on the same path long term. I understand she might not have come to any decisions about kids yet but that also doesn’t mean that you should shelve your plans because of her. Can you imagine staying together & waiting just to find out she doesn’t change her mind?

You seem to have a great insight into yourself particularly with the SAD but don’t forget that you can ask for help if you need it, no judgement. You deserve some support. I also back what other posters have said in that you’re definitely a poster for me that I always enjoy reading your articulate & engaging post.

I hope you get the clarity & support you deserve x

 

[265]

Thanks for the replies. The more I think about it the more I am convinced I am to bide my time, ignore the whims of my parents, and just wait until I'm good and ready.

My intention was always to return to SA in the next year or so. But given this pandemic fiasco, I might bring that forward to early 2021 and take it from there. At least I will be near my family once more, and perhaps my SAD may lift.

Shame to be leaving the UK. I do love it here, but there are too many uncertainties. And the more I think about staying here the more tempted I am to go to the local supermarket and buy bottles of wine again.

First World problems, lol

From this post it sounds like you are part of the way to sorting out your issues, at least you are asking questions and actually doing something about it, perhaps the UK isn't really for you from what I understand. Moving back to SA IMO might be the solution, especially with the SAD condition.

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Have gone into another deep depression again.

Am sad, lonely, lost, and am trying to cheer myself up by posting on here. But I am also listening to some sad songs, which really don't help. And yet its all I really want to listen too right now.

This lockdown is sucking the lifeforce out of me, as it probably is for many other people out there. But I miss my ex-girl even though I have done everything short of begging her to return (even though I know we can never be in a relationship again). I just miss her friendship, her smile, her voice... just everything about her really. And yet she's gone and she's made it clear she won't be coming back.

I have had break-ups with previous women before, but this one really has hit me hard. Don't really know what makes her THAT special to want to break my heart/spirit, but there it is.

How many mistakes do we make before we realise how much we miss those people you drive away?

Yes, this is very much a "woe is me" post. And i shall cry, and sob, and get over it. But its good to post because it becomes a historical footnote. A footnote I hope one day I will be able to look back on and not feel so sad then as I do now.

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Just to compound my lot, had a big argument with my g/f yesterday over where we see our selves in the next few years.

Seems we had two visions, and mine didn't include her! Didn't go down too well, and now we've had a bit of a falling out possibly permanently. But will shall see,

The single life seems far more attractive and far less complicated.

 

[Barbie2020]

Have gone into another deep depression again.

Am sad, lonely, lost, and am trying to cheer myself up by posting on here. But I am also listening to some sad songs, which really don't help. And yet its all I really want to listen too right now.

This lockdown is sucking the lifeforce out of me, as it probably is for many other people out there. But I miss my ex-girl even though I have done everything short of begging her to return (even though I know we can never be in a relationship again). I just miss her friendship, her smile, her voice... just everything about her really. And yet she's gone and she's made it clear she won't be coming back.

I have had break-ups with previous women before, but this one really has hit me hard. Don't really know what makes her THAT special to want to break my heart/spirit, but there it is.

How many mistakes do we make before we realise how much we miss those people you drive away?

Yes, this is very much a "woe is me" post. And i shall cry, and sob, and get over it. But its good to post because it becomes a historical footnote. A footnote I hope one day I will be able to look back on and not feel so sad then as I do now.

Sorry you are struggling! As cliche as it sounds things will get better! We’ve all been in that position it’s rubbish but you will get through it. Depression is making me have horrible thoughts and I find things too much some days it’s really hard. tattle has been a massive support getting to talk to different people and not feeling too isolated. Keep talking to us

 

[Mulholland Drive]

If you disagree over things like having children you're really better off cutting your losses now. That probably sounds harsh and I don't intend it to. But if you stay hoping someone changes their mind, someone ends up resenting the other. Either you because you wanted children and she doesn't change her mind, or her because you ended up having kids she didn't want. Unfortunately this isn't really an issue where there can be much compromise, if she said she didn't want them 'yet' I would understand more because she is only 24. But equally I feel like the difference in where you're at in your lives is really quite big between your early-mid 20s and your mid-late 20s. If you want to have children sooner rather than later, that's not 'wrong' just because she's young. But it does mean you might need to focus on finding someone a bit older, or even someone who is young and ready, or of course - have your kids now without a partner at all, that's just as much an option as the others.

I second what Belulah said by the way, and I'm really sorry you're having a hard time. I hope things pick up for you.

Wise words. And the more I think about it, the more I would be better off biding my time before making big commitments.

There's a thread on here called something like "where do you see yourself 5 years from now". And I replied that I could well be back home in South Africa on a more permanent basis. And to be honest, I think I would rather wait until I move back before "settling down" with a wife and kids. As at the moment living in the UK (as much as I have loved it over the last 13 years or so), I don't think I should make any plans on the domestic front.

Ho hum.