Tough Times

[Mulholland Drive]

I am 27, female, living alone, in a lesbian relationship. I am also South African living in England, with my parents living in South Africa.

For the last few months I have become very maternal, and wanting desperately to settle down and have children. Not helped by pressure from my parents, who want to become grandparents.

They were quite surprised/shocked when I "came out" some 10 years ago, but they eventually accepted me for what I am. And now of course they keep on asking "when will we see children?"

However, my current partner, 3 years my junior, just interested in any overtures towards families and children. And I guess, given her age, I don't really blame her.

But then again she ticks so many of my boxes that I really don't want to lose her and start again elsewhere. Moreover, she has recently being diagnosed with covid-19, which she is now panicking about because she has a weak immune system, and is scared she may not make it through.

On top of all that, I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which kicked in big time when the clocks went back a week or so ago. And now all I can think is negative thoughts and a depression when the days become dark relatively early in the afternoon. As a consequence I feel like telling my partner to piss off if she doesn't want to commit. And yet I know this is a totally selfish thing to say because if I ever did say that she would more than likely walk out of my life, and I would be well and truly on my own.

I used to be an alcoholic during my university days, but gave all that up when I started full-time employment. But right now, I keep on thinking about going back to the bottle because I feel so sorry for myself, even though I should really check my privilege.

I'm not really sure where I am going with this post. Perhaps it demonstrates the state of my mindset right now. I just don't know what to do.

 

[Happy35]

I am rubbish at giving advice on forums as think I sound patronising but please get some counselling and don’t relapse back to drinking, Alcoholics Anonymous are still offering support virtually and I am sure there are others who would do the same.
Your GP would be able to help with your SAD and add you to the list for counselling, although in my area there is a long wait.
Fingers crossed your partner recovers well in the next week or two and you can support each other

 

[Definitelyme]

Did you look in to your local chapter of AA? Many are running zoom meetings to attend. Alcoholism is a disease, no amount of “checking your privilege” can stop that disease taking hold. You can have everything go in the world you want and still be an alcoholic. Please seek help this weekend before you relapse.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I started struggling with SAD when I moved to the UK. You need to buy a SAD lamp they do help. It’s because we are not used to all the darkness and cold because SA even has loads of sun in the winter.

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Thanks for the feedback. I have been thinking about getting some initial advice from AA, even though I am resisting any thoughts of going back to the bottle.

I haven't been able to get much sleep as of late either (am writing this at almost 5 in the morning). Guess I'm overthinking things, or just getting stressed out over relatively trivial things. I can still see/talk to my g/f via Skype while she's in isolation, so its not as though we can't stay in touch. But she is fretting that her immune system won't be resistant enough to fight the virus off. But that's in her GP's hands to take to the next level.

My mood has lifted slightly since writing this thread yesterday, in that my period has finished, and I feel just a little more uplifted,

And I have ordered one of those lamps from Amazon. I've had then before but never really worked for me. But will try again, even if it offers some marginal relief it will be better than nothing

Thank you

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Thanks for the feedback. I have been thinking about getting some initial advice from AA, even though I am resisting any thoughts of going back to the bottle.

I haven't been able to get much sleep as of late either (am writing this at almost 5 in the morning). Guess I'm overthinking things, or just getting stressed out over relatively trivial things. I can still see/talk to my g/f via Skype while she's in isolation, so its not as though we can't stay in touch. But she is fretting that her immune system won't be resistant enough to fight the virus off. But that's in her GP's hands to take to the next level.

My mood has lifted slightly since writing this thread yesterday, in that my period has finished, and I feel just a little more uplifted,

And I have ordered one of those lamps from Amazon. I've had then before but never really worked for me. But will try again, even if it offers some marginal relief it will be better than nothing

Thank you

Moving abroad is a process and after living here for fifteen years I still struggle. I miss my family as they are all still in SA and I also just miss other Saffas and our sense of humour.

Keep in mind that you are dealing with a lot. Despite the fantastic opportunities provided by the UK leaving your home country is difficult. I started struggling with anxiety a couple of years after I moved here and still do on and off. I got help and had both CBT and councelling. The CBT did not work for me but the councelling was amazing. I could talk in a non-judgmental environment and say all the "crazy" things I wanted and just in general got everything off my chest. Along with that I do journalling which also helps when you write down all your fears. Walking the dogs and yoga also helped.

Never be ashamed to ask for help. You'd be surprised once you start talking about it how many people have been or are in the same boat

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Moving abroad is a process and after living here for fifteen years I still struggle. I miss my family as they are all still in SA and I also just miss other Saffas and our sense of humour.

Keep in mind that you are dealing with a lot. Despite the fantastic opportunities provided by the UK leaving your home country is difficult. I started struggling with anxiety a couple of years after I moved here and still do on and off. I got help and had both CBT and councelling. The CBT did not work for me but the councelling was amazing. I could talk in a non-judgmental environment and say all the "crazy" things I wanted and just in general got everything off my chest. Along with that I do journalling which also helps when you write down all your fears. Walking the dogs and yoga also helped.

Never be ashamed to ask for help. You'd be surprised once you start talking about it how many people have been or are in the same boat

I usually return to SA this time of year, not only to see my family, but to enjoy some far better weather. I then return to the UK around March time, which is when the clocks go forward and the lighter mornings/nights return.

But with this covid circus doing the rounds I haven't been able to do that, and thus my SAD anxieties just become bigger problems, and each day becomes nothing more than a struggle at times. But I think you're right: perhaps I really should seek counseling and just get a few things off my chest. I really don't want to turn to the booze, and I am just relieved I don't have any in the house.

Thank you

 

[Belulah]

@Bezolabub If it’s any comfort you are a poster who always stands out to me. I enjoy your writing and always keep an eye out for you.
You are still very young at 27- you have plenty of time to start a family. When your partner is your age you will only be 30.

 

[Mulholland Drive]

@Bezolabub If it’s any comfort you are a poster who always stands out to me. I enjoy your writing and always keep an eye out for you.
You are still very young at 27- you have plenty of time to start a family. When your partner is your age you will only be 30.

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I am relatively young, and still have a good few years to consider starting a family. But as I mentioned in my OP I am getting nagged from my parents, and when I read some of the threads on here (and elsewhere) and the talk of babies and children, I just get very broody and want to have kids of my own.

But best not to rush into these things until ever piece of the jigsaw fits into place - which is better said than done of course. Right now I am in my home on my own with nothing but silence and the tippy-tapping of this keyboard. I would love to have a baby or child playing in the next room and calling me "Mommy!"

But I can wait awhile longer for that dream to finally materialise

Contra Spem Spero

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Just to compound my lot, had a big argument with my g/f yesterday over where we see our selves in the next few years.

Seems we had two visions, and mine didn't include her! Didn't go down too well, and now we've had a bit of a falling out possibly permanently. But will shall see,

The single life seems far more attractive and far less complicated.

 

[judgejohndeed]

Just to compound my lot, had a big argument with my g/f yesterday over where we see our selves in the next few years.

Seems we had two visions, and mine didn't include her! Didn't go down too well, and now we've had a bit of a falling out possibly permanently. But will shall see,

The singe life seems far more attractive and far less complicated.

If you disagree over things like having children you're really better off cutting your losses now. That probably sounds harsh and I don't intend it to. But if you stay hoping someone changes their mind, someone ends up resenting the other. Either you because you wanted children and she doesn't change her mind, or her because you ended up having kids she didn't want. Unfortunately this isn't really an issue where there can be much compromise, if she said she didn't want them 'yet' I would understand more because she is only 24. But equally I feel like the difference in where you're at in your lives is really quite big between your early-mid 20s and your mid-late 20s. If you want to have children sooner rather than later, that's not 'wrong' just because she's young. But it does mean you might need to focus on finding someone a bit older, or even someone who is young and ready, or of course - have your kids now without a partner at all, that's just as much an option as the others.

I second what Belulah said by the way, and I'm really sorry you're having a hard time. I hope things pick up for you.

 

[Mulholland Drive]

If you disagree over things like having children you're really better off cutting your losses now. That probably sounds harsh and I don't intend it to. But if you stay hoping someone changes their mind, someone ends up resenting the other. Either you because you wanted children and she doesn't change her mind, or her because you ended up having kids she didn't want. Unfortunately this isn't really an issue where there can be much compromise, if she said she didn't want them 'yet' I would understand more because she is only 24. But equally I feel like the difference in where you're at in your lives is really quite big between your early-mid 20s and your mid-late 20s. If you want to have children sooner rather than later, that's not 'wrong' just because she's young. But it does mean you might need to focus on finding someone a bit older, or even someone who is young and ready, or of course - have your kids now without a partner at all, that's just as much an option as the others.

I second what Belulah said by the way, and I'm really sorry you're having a hard time. I hope things pick up for you.

Wise words. And the more I think about it, the more I would be better off biding my time before making big commitments.

There's a thread on here called something like "where do you see yourself 5 years from now". And I replied that I could well be back home in South Africa on a more permanent basis. And to be honest, I think I would rather wait until I move back before "settling down" with a wife and kids. As at the moment living in the UK (as much as I have loved it over the last 13 years or so), I don't think I should make any plans on the domestic front.

Ho hum.

 

[Pizzledizzle]

It’s such a difficult position to be in when you care so much for someone and you begin to realise you’re not on the same path long term. I understand she might not have come to any decisions about kids yet but that also doesn’t mean that you should shelve your plans because of her. Can you imagine staying together & waiting just to find out she doesn’t change her mind?

You seem to have a great insight into yourself particularly with the SAD but don’t forget that you can ask for help if you need it, no judgement. You deserve some support. I also back what other posters have said in that you’re definitely a poster for me that I always enjoy reading your articulate & engaging post.

I hope you get the clarity & support you deserve x

 

[BettyCrocker]

You are so young! You are only 27!!!! Can you have a chat with your parents and ask them to refrain from putting on this pressure regarding grandchildren?? It’s really not fair on you and frankly it’s none of their business!!!!!

your g/f is also extremely young and yknow I’m not at all surprised that she’s no where near thinking about settling down or starting a family.

it sounds like you are at a crossroads and I’d suggest that you take some time on your own to figure out what you want to do. Are you in a position to relocate back to SA? You sound like you would be far happier there.

please seek help regarding the alcohol and your low mood - can you go to see your GP here to discuss your options?? Even a course of medication for a few months might help.

ETA: having children is a wonderful experience but it is also probably the hardest, most physically, emotionally and financially draining thing you will ever do. You need to get yourself into a good place before you even consider embarking on becoming a parent. Your life changes dramatically when you have a child and even though you love them with your whole heart there is no denying that my god, it is tough at times and there is no down time, no time off - it’s relentless! You are young - live your life and enjoy yourself before you commit to children/another person.

 

[Bae56]

It depends on how much you want it. If you really want to have kids then being in a relationship where that's never going to happen is a big sacrifice. If your girlfriend does tick all the other boxes, hopefully she'll reconsider if she knows how important it is to you.
My previous relationship was with someone younger than me. After a couple of years we had a talk about kids/marriage & it wasn't on his radar. I stayed for another 4 years & nothing changed on his part, everything changed on mine. We weren't a good match & not having kids was only a tiny fraction of why I broke it off.
I knew I'd rather be on my own than waste time with someone who wasn't right for me. Fast forward a few years and I'm a mum.

It's not good you're getting pressure from parents, as if we don't feel enough pressure from ourselves when we want it! I hope you do have babies until then enjoy every minute of your free time do the things that make you happy.

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Thanks for the replies. The more I think about it the more I am convinced I am to bide my time, ignore the whims of my parents, and just wait until I'm good and ready.

My intention was always to return to SA in the next year or so. But given this pandemic fiasco, I might bring that forward to early 2021 and take it from there. At least I will be near my family once more, and perhaps my SAD may lift.

Shame to be leaving the UK. I do love it here, but there are too many uncertainties. And the more I think about staying here the more tempted I am to go to the local supermarket and buy bottles of wine again.

First World problems, lol

 

[BettyCrocker]

Thanks for the replies. The more I think about it the more I am convinced I am to bide my time, ignore the whims of my parents, and just wait until I'm good and ready.

My intention was always to return to SA in the next year or so. But given this pandemic fiasco, I might bring that forward to early 2021 and take it from there. At least I will be near my family once more, and perhaps my SAD may lift.

Shame to be leaving the UK. I do love it here, but there are too many uncertainties. And the more I think about staying here the more tempted I am to go to the local supermarket and buy bottles of wine again.

First World problems, lol

If you feel the urge creeping in to turn to alcohol please contact AA and see if you can chat to someone

 

[Mulholland Drive]

If you feel the urge creeping in to turn to alcohol please contact AA and see if you can chat to someone

Have already done so. And I am trying to "say no" to my next drink. But sometimes when you're sitting in a room on your own, looking at photos of the person you thought you loved, and weighing other things up, coupled with this SAD shroud, you just push aside logic and think "Oh one more drink won't hurt!"

But for the moment I will resist the temptation

 

[Bae56]

ETA: having children is a wonderful experience but it is also probably the hardest, most physically, emotionally and financially draining thing you will ever do. You need to get yourself into a good place before you even consider embarking on becoming a parent. Your life changes dramatically when you have a child and even though you love them with your whole heart there is no denying that my god, it is tough at times and there is no down time, no time off - it’s relentless! You are young - live your life and enjoy yourself before you commit to children/another person.

This is so true. It is non stop, every second of every minute. It's things you don't think of like being able to pee, shower or eat when you want. Housework, laundry and cooking doesn't end ontop of looking after them & making sure they're safe. Mine are tiny & I've spent a good portion of my day hanging laundry back up that they've persistently pulled down and threw all over the place. As funny as that sounds I really need it to dry or the saga won't end lol. Nothing can be left out, they'll find the tiniest crumb and eat it. It's constant. Everything else takes a back seat & it can get lonely at times although you're never alone. That being said you can't explain the love you have, it's overwhelming.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

When I feel like this I step back and say/do nothing and let things settle in my mind before i make a decision I might regret.