Toddler advice thread #5

[Definitelyme]

This is going to sound so silly when I put it like this but do you think it’s ok that my child doesn’t really like play groups / toddler groups ?

I only ask this as I’ve been a bit worried about him in terms of development (he babbles a lot but isn’t really speaking) and when I take him to new groups etc he usually hates them and screams/cries when all the other toddlers there are like playing nicely (I know that’s not reality and that they won’t be like it all the time)

I feel like you have it drummed into you from somewhere that you must take your child to groups to socialise them etc but it’s just left me stressing and feeling there’s something wrong with both of us.

I have kind of snapped myself out of that and just trying to think: he hates busy new places, I hate busy new places so should I be surprised there’s a weekly group he does like andis used to, but other than that I’m thinking let’s just do stuff we like. Spend more time outside at parks etc. do library trips, just potter about.

There’s just something in my brain telling me I’m not doing enough for his development (again don’t know really where I am getting that message from).

Really need to let go of this constant worry / guilt and just spend time with my boy but why is it so hard sometimes !

My kids don’t love those sorts of groups either. They always found large amounts of unknown people a stressful situation. So I didn’t take them. They are shy kids, and that’s just fine. They socialise well with family and children they know, but never at big groups. They would just stay beside me, which is no fun for anyone.
The older two are 7 and 10 now and have perfectly normal, healthy, relationships with peers. My 4yo is still little, but she is still shy and struggles with people, but she’s improving all the time.

The best thing for a little one is being with a loved caregiver. They learn so many social cues from us as adults, and they don’t even properly play with other kids until well past the toddler stage. So please do not worry.

 

[gossipgal21]

Thank you for the reassurances everyone. You know when you just get a silly thing stuck in your head you feel you should be doing.

When he was born I swore I’d just follow my instincts and not get drawn into what everyone else was doing but it gets you sometimes!

We’re off out to a lovely park this morning so hopefully that’ll be nice. With the usual bag full of snacks. I’m sure my child is made up of 90% crisp at this point .

 

[AllTheBest2022]

This is going to sound so silly when I put it like this but do you think it’s ok that my child doesn’t really like play groups / toddler groups ?

I only ask this as I’ve been a bit worried about him in terms of development (he babbles a lot but isn’t really speaking) and when I take him to new groups etc he usually hates them and screams/cries when all the other toddlers there are like playing nicely (I know that’s not reality and that they won’t be like it all the time)

I feel like you have it drummed into you from somewhere that you must take your child to groups to socialise them etc but it’s just left me stressing and feeling there’s something wrong with both of us.

I have kind of snapped myself out of that and just trying to think: he hates busy new places, I hate busy new places so should I be surprised there’s a weekly group he does like andis used to, but other than that I’m thinking let’s just do stuff we like. Spend more time outside at parks etc. do library trips, just potter about.

There’s just something in my brain telling me I’m not doing enough for his development (again don’t know really where I am getting that message from).

Really need to let go of this constant worry / guilt and just spend time with my boy but why is it so hard sometimes !

I actually stopped taking my son because he would just stand and watch all the other kids play, rather than playing or joining in. It was so depressing, he'd literally just stand in front of me for the whole time watching the other kids. He also doesn't socialise much at nursery which is upsetting. He's behind in his speech so I don't think that helps. They've said he'd rather watch a child play than play with them. He also isn't a fan of 'busy' places like soft play, swimming pools, etc so we're limited in where we can go.

 

[smellsofbiscuits]

Gentle parenting just means (to me) holding the boundary in a respectful way. So in the example above the little boy threw. She started well, then when he threw again she should have repeated and given a consequence “if you throw again we will have to move out of this part so you don’t hurt anyone” and then when it happened again she should have reminded him “we don’t throw, you’re hurting other children. We are leaving this area now so you can’t hurt anyone else.”
Far too many people use gentle parenting as a cover for letting their kids run wild. But it’s not that at all. Having the boundaries in place, and using logical consequences, rather than punishments. So you throw things and hurt kids, you have to leave so you don’t hurt anyone else. You draw on the walls, you can’t have access to the pens anymore. You bit me, I’m moving away so you can’t hurt me again. It’s also the adult learning and making the environment suitable for the child to succeed - no pens freely available, watching closely for signs they are about to bite so you can stop it.

this is instead of:
you drew on the walls, I’m going to shout and make you sit out there for five minutes, (but you’ll still have access to the pens to do the same tomorrow)
You bit me so I’m going to smack you and show you hitting is ok if it’s an adult
You threw a toy so you can’t watch tv later

That’s just my take anyway! It’s consequence to your actions rather than punishment would be my biggest take away.

This sums gentle parenting up for me. Don't get me wrong, there are days I forget and shout because that's how I was disciplined as a child. And I can be strict by removing toys if Toddler Biscuit is throwing them (when they aren't meant to be thrown). A really good video on GP came up on Instagram reels for me yesterday and I meant to post it here. It was really good as it was a man describing how he used GP with children of different ages. And I think there needs to be more parenting figures who are men. I genuinely can't think of one man but could rattle off half a dozen parenting "influencers" who are women.

 

[armyofone]

Loving the gentle parenting discussion in here. It's really made me reassess how I talk to my little girl. I have a tendency to be the shouty, angry mum and have a really short fuse, and I'm determined to try and change how I respond to her. This has been very interesting reading, thank you all

This sounds like me too. I am trying really very hard to change my parenting and all the discussion on here is really helping, thanks everyone!

 

[sodit]

This is going to sound so silly when I put it like this but do you think it’s ok that my child doesn’t really like play groups / toddler groups ?

I only ask this as I’ve been a bit worried about him in terms of development (he babbles a lot but isn’t really speaking) and when I take him to new groups etc he usually hates them and screams/cries when all the other toddlers there are like playing nicely (I know that’s not reality and that they won’t be like it all the time)

I feel like you have it drummed into you from somewhere that you must take your child to groups to socialise them etc but it’s just left me stressing and feeling there’s something wrong with both of us.

I have kind of snapped myself out of that and just trying to think: he hates busy new places, I hate busy new places so should I be surprised there’s a weekly group he does like andis used to, but other than that I’m thinking let’s just do stuff we like. Spend more time outside at parks etc. do library trips, just potter about.

There’s just something in my brain telling me I’m not doing enough for his development (again don’t know really where I am getting that message from).

Really need to let go of this constant worry / guilt and just spend time with my boy but why is it so hard sometimes !

The luxury of being this age (unless you choose to homeschool etc) is that little ones can go with the flow and do more of what they like and less of what they don't. There will be institutions and mandatory mixing soon enough.
Sounds like you're doing absolutely right with following his lead, especially if you're saying you're both of a similar ilk with new & busy places.

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

I don’t even like soft play or play groups that much!! You get parents sat at tables drinking coffee not even watching what their little terror is doing to other kids!!
not every kid but this happens a lot I have noticed. It’s always the ones up to no good whose parents are on their phons oblivious to what’s going on. God I’ve even seen a mum sat with her nose in a book. She might have needed the break but they doesn’t mean her kid can terrorise others in my opinion .They’re more hassle than they are worth sometimes.

 

[Jellybean093]

I don’t even like soft play or play groups that much!! You get parents sat at tables drinking coffee not even watching what their little terror is doing to other kids!!
not every kid but this happens a lot I have noticed. It’s always the ones up to no good whose parents are on their phons oblivious to what’s going on. God I’ve even seen a mum sat with her nose in a book. She might have needed the break but they doesn’t mean her kid can terrorise others in my opinion .They’re more hassle than they are worth sometimes.

I loved soft play with my older 2. Hate it with my younger 2. The baby isn’t interested in the slightest at going to play. May as well be home than wasting money to sit there waiting for him to do something

 

[Definitelyme]

I have taken my kids to specific soft play…. Once in 10 years I hate it! But our local farm has a pretty good one, so when we go there every year or so, they go for an hour on that before the farm and it isn’t so bad. But soft play is not the one for me.
---

Thank you for the reassurances everyone. You know when you just get a silly thing stuck in your head you feel you should be doing.

When he was born I swore I’d just follow my instincts and not get drawn into what everyone else was doing but it gets you sometimes!

We’re off out to a lovely park this morning so hopefully that’ll be nice. With the usual bag full of snacks. I’m sure my child is made up of 90% crisp at this point .

ToddlerMe is absolutely obsessed with crisps. I’ve never seen anything like it. Pringles are his particular favourite (good choice tbf) he gets them out and pats his tummy “me, eat, bispies!”

 

[sodit]

I don’t even like soft play or play groups that much!! You get parents sat at tables drinking coffee not even watching what their little terror is doing to other kids!!
not every kid but this happens a lot I have noticed. It’s always the ones up to no good whose parents are on their phons oblivious to what’s going on. God I’ve even seen a mum sat with her nose in a book. She might have needed the break but they doesn’t mean her kid can terrorise others in my opinion .They’re more hassle than they are worth sometimes.

Last time we went to one my kid was being trailed by a toddler who stunk clearly needed a nappy change but mum and grandma seemed to be taking the day off. Only got checked in on by an older sibling, not fair on either of them.

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Last time we went to one my kid was being trailed by a toddler who stunk clearly needed a nappy change butmum and grandma seemed to be taking the day off. Only got checked in on by an older sibling, not fair on either of them.

I know it’s so sad. It happens all too often doesn’t it

 

[jackieweaver’sauthority]

I have an update on my ongoing preschool saga. I had found a place for her in a Montessori setting part funded part paid. I had some reservations but it was miles better than the current one she was in.

I had signed my son up for a forest school next to it and had a viewing for it on Tuesday when they told me they had a place for my three year old as two places had freed up abruptly due to a house move. She had a settling in session yesterday for two hours and she loved it. She was upset to leave. The lady who helped her settling in said she thinks my daughter is super intelligent and going to thrive there. In two hours they have more positive things to say about her than the last 8 months at the other preschool. She has her first day there tomorrow and she’s so excited to go. The relief I feel is incredible.

She wasn’t even upset about leaving the other preschool, just would miss one friend she’s made. But I gave my number to pass on to her mum and we’ve arranged a play date on Tuesday. They didn’t even give her a card to say goodbye!

I feel like the universe has aligned for me. Straight away she said she’s probably bored and needs some responsibility and opportunities to release her energy. Obviously they will keep an eye on her behaviour and I will keep an open mind for any assessments that she may need but right now I just want her to be a kid and enjoy that.

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

I have an update on my ongoing preschool saga. I had found a place for her in a Montessori setting part funded part paid. I had some reservations but it was miles better than the current one she was in.

I had signed my son up for a forest school next to it and had a viewing for it on Tuesday when they told me they had a place for my three year old as two places had freed up abruptly due to a house move. She had a settling in session yesterday for two hours and she loved it. She was upset to leave. The lady who helped her settling in said she thinks my daughter is super intelligent and going to thrive there. In two hours they have more positive things to say about her than the last 8 months at the other preschool. She has her first day there tomorrow and she’s so excited to go. The relief I feel is incredible.

She wasn’t even upset about leaving the other preschool, just would miss one friend she’s made. But I gave my number to pass on to her mum and we’ve arranged a play date on Tuesday. They didn’t even give her a card to say goodbye!

I feel like the universe has aligned for me. Straight away she said she’s probably bored and needs some responsibility and opportunities to release her energy. Obviously they will keep an eye on her behaviour and I will keep an open mind for any assessments that she may need but right now I just want her to be a kid and enjoy that.

Omg that’s brilliant. Just the fact she was there for two hours and enjoyed it. What more can you ask for. That’s fantastic fingers crossed she settles in well and continues to enjoy it

I’ve got a knot in my stomach about our stay and play later his dad said just bring him home if he doesn’t like it. But it’s still making me nervous

 

[WhatABore]

This is going to sound so silly when I put it like this but do you think it’s ok that my child doesn’t really like play groups / toddler groups ?

I only ask this as I’ve been a bit worried about him in terms of development (he babbles a lot but isn’t really speaking) and when I take him to new groups etc he usually hates them and screams/cries when all the other toddlers there are like playing nicely (I know that’s not reality and that they won’t be like it all the time)

I feel like you have it drummed into you from somewhere that you must take your child to groups to socialise them etc but it’s just left me stressing and feeling there’s something wrong with both of us.

I have kind of snapped myself out of that and just trying to think: he hates busy new places, I hate busy new places so should I be surprised there’s a weekly group he does like andis used to, but other than that I’m thinking let’s just do stuff we like. Spend more time outside at parks etc. do library trips, just potter about.

There’s just something in my brain telling me I’m not doing enough for his development (again don’t know really where I am getting that message from).

Really need to let go of this constant worry / guilt and just spend time with my boy but why is it so hard sometimes !

I've never taken my kids to any groups.
Like you say, he wouldn't like it and you don't. So why would you?

My youngest would be exactly the same.
If we go anywhere and it's busy, she will just cling to me and cry.
But she loves anywhere that's quiet/not many people. Which is perfect for me!

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Guys. I can not believe it. We’ve just been to the stay and play session at his new school . He didn’t cry once and he did a ducking wee in the ducking toilet. I am in shock!!!!. I am so proud of him and feel like a weight has been lifted. I’ve had a nervous tummy all Damn day

 

[SwizzleMalarkey]

Guys. I can not believe it. We’ve just been to the stay and play session at his new school . He didn’t cry once and he did a ducking wee in the ducking toilet. I am in shock!!!!. I am so proud of him and feel like a weight has been lifted. I’ve had a nervous tummy all Damn day

That’s fantastic! So pleased for you that it went well. They love surprising us don’t they!

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

That’s fantastic! So pleased for you that it went well. They love surprising us don’t they!

I rang his dad on the way there saying pls can you meet me I am so nervous . I really didn’t want to go! But he said I can’t I’m at work I said I know I’m just being soft. But he did SO well I could cry happy tears I’m so proud of him 🥹🥹🥹

 

[jackieweaver’sauthority]

I rang his dad on the way there saying pls can you meet me I am so nervous . I really didn’t want to go! But he said I can’t I’m at work I said I know I’m just being soft. But he did SO well I could cry happy tears I’m so proud of him 🥹🥹🥹

Really happy for you. So glad it went well, just shows how confident he is because of you!

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Really happy for you. So glad it went well, just shows how confident he is because of you!

Aww thankyou. Ohh do you think so 🥹. He came and sat on my knee when it was story time for a little while.

 

[Definitelyme]

Guys. I can not believe it. We’ve just been to the stay and play session at his new school . He didn’t cry once and he did a ducking wee in the ducking toilet. I am in shock!!!!. I am so proud of him and feel like a weight has been lifted. I’ve had a nervous tummy all Damn day

What brilliant news!!! he has absolutely smashed that, I’m sure you are just bursting with pride!