Toddler advice thread #5

[Definitelyme]

Need some advice. I’m SICK of bedtime/ Daytime dramas. Every night it’s a drama over something so so small. Bath was fine, getting into bed was fine, I told her I was putting her hair in a bobble and I must have snagged one of the hairs and she went into a complete meltdown, nursery have commented several times how she has an emotional meltdown over small stuff and I’m getting so so sick of it at home.

She cried earlier cos she picked the wrong ice cream and was screaming MUMMY whilst I was having a wee. I just don’t know what to do. I tell her not to get upset over small stuff but it’s getting to the point where I’m just at a loss. I can’t cope with bedtime anymore it’s just horrible. I’m sick of it. Nursery don’t get why she is so over emotional meltdown over everything, even if you say “don’t do this cos you’ll hurt yourself”.. she goes into meltdown

Ok here is the thing, I’m going to put lay it out straight. You are not understanding 3yos at all. You say she’s getting upset over small things like the wrong ice cream.
To a 3yo that is a HUGE thing. Not small at all, it’s literally a MASSIVE deal for them. It doesn’t matter if you think it is a big deal or not - she thinks it is and you should be respectful of that instead of diminishing her feelings and telling her not to get upset. Imagine if someone said that to YOU about something you were upset over. Would it actually stop you being upset? It wouldn’t for me, it would make me fucking raging tbh.
Anyone who has ever had a 3yo will tell you this is EXACTLY what they are like. They attempt to exert control over the small areas of their life where they can, and when they are unable to do so they get understandably cross about it. They can’t SPEAK their feelings, so they SHOW their feelings through their behaviour.
It is unendingly frustrating as a parent to have a child behave that way. I know, I’ve 4 kids, and it makes me wanna throttle the little sods.
But you are not helping matters by being so dismissive of her feelings.
Instead of “it’s not a big deal” try “you’re really upset because you wanted the other ice cream. It’s really frustrating when we don’t get what we want, I feel that way too. Next time we will make sure we get the right one.”
You’ll be surprised how much difference it will make.

 

[ThePidge]

I don’t use a naughty step either.

I usually get my little girl to crouch on the floor, pop the laundry basket over her and pile aloud of heavy objects on top so that she can’t leave and can have a good think.











JK.

 

[Definitelyme]

I’m a SAHM.
My 4 year old wants me to play with him ALL the time and I feel awful when I say I can’t. I try to play with him to begin with then once he’s busy I try to move away…but he notices and I feel like he nags me all the time! Sometimes I just don’t have the mental energy to join in with him. He has a wonderful imagination and likes me to play all sorts of role play games! I have a nearly 2 year too.
I felt awful yesterday because I ended up saying ‘I don’t want to play with you” I’d played for ages then he kept asking and crying when I said I couldn’t anymore…it got to me so much and I snapped. Just wanting to share. I feel like I might need to go back to work part time as I feel like I’m going a bit crazy.

We are not cruise directors. It is not our job to play with our kids 24/7. Independent play is such an important tool for them to learn, and getting bored is a great way to inspire that, and to inspire further imaginative play. So what I’m saying is you do NOT have to play constantly, nor do you need to feel bad about not doing it.
We also are not required to make ourselves miserable to make a child temporarily happy. So I hate - HATE - playing imaginative games with the kids. Because no matter what I do, it’s never right. I don’t do, say, play in the way they are imagining, so they get frustrated and constantly tell me what to do, and that’s not fun for me. So what I will say is “that’s not a game I like to play - we can read together or paint together if you’d like”. And sometimes it’s a flat out no, because I’m doing something else. And we are not required to drop everything to play. It’s ok to make them wait, or to say “I’m doing xyz now, I’ll read with you after snack”.
So while they are only little once, we also only have this part of our lives once, and we don’t have to make ourselves unhappy just because they want us to.
I would try setting clear boundaries such as “I will play with you every morning until snack time, then you can play what you’d like while I do a few jobs”.
It’s also totally ok for him to feel sad that you won’t play. We don’t always get our way and that’s an important lesson to learn.
I think one of the worst things we can do is push our own discomfort aside every day. That isn’t a valuable lesson to teach our kids - you must be miserable to make others happy.
Be sure that you play plenty, and are involved, and it’s ok to say no at times. He will get used to it.

 

[Definitelyme]

This morning’s toddler was a hellion.
This afternoon’s toddler was a delight.

It’s a rollercoaster, this toddler life.

 

[jackieweaver’sauthority]

I have an update on my ongoing preschool saga. I had found a place for her in a Montessori setting part funded part paid. I had some reservations but it was miles better than the current one she was in.

I had signed my son up for a forest school next to it and had a viewing for it on Tuesday when they told me they had a place for my three year old as two places had freed up abruptly due to a house move. She had a settling in session yesterday for two hours and she loved it. She was upset to leave. The lady who helped her settling in said she thinks my daughter is super intelligent and going to thrive there. In two hours they have more positive things to say about her than the last 8 months at the other preschool. She has her first day there tomorrow and she’s so excited to go. The relief I feel is incredible.

She wasn’t even upset about leaving the other preschool, just would miss one friend she’s made. But I gave my number to pass on to her mum and we’ve arranged a play date on Tuesday. They didn’t even give her a card to say goodbye!

I feel like the universe has aligned for me. Straight away she said she’s probably bored and needs some responsibility and opportunities to release her energy. Obviously they will keep an eye on her behaviour and I will keep an open mind for any assessments that she may need but right now I just want her to be a kid and enjoy that.

 

[Definitelyme]

Not wading in on the actual issue that was posted however…

It truly warms my heart to see so many kind, compassionate parents of toddlers on here. People who are listening, learning, and remembering that toddlers are complicated small people who need our love and understanding even in their truly shitty moments. It is lovely to think so many toddlers are growing up in emotionally supportive homes.

 

[Dianne]

Happy to say after my previous post about a crazy nursery session which I hated, I viewed a private nursery and felt much happier with that environment. It’s small with plenty of staff and home cooked meals, nice kids. Definitely go with your gut with these things! Don’t feel as sad and anxious about him going to nursery now.

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Is it the school holidays if you don’t end up in a&e . 130pm thought I’d curl my hair he ran over to tell me he needed a wee … I put the curler down and as I put it down he flung his arms a little and his hand went onto my curler.
omg he cried and screamed so much!! It started bleeding a little so we went straight to a&e. We’ve been there all afternoon. Got home 630. The senior doctor didn’t want to send us home without the plastic surgeon seeing it!!!! So I was sat there for three hours whilst the doctor was in surgery. He doesn’t need it. Sent us home with a bandage and have to go back on Wednesday
I feel absolutely terrible poor little munchkin. I’m gonna take him to his favourite ice cream shop tomorrow

 

[xoxo GG]

My 4yo is pretty much the same. Best thing I’ve found is relating it to myself such as ‘oh I don’t like it either when I have the wrong ice cream, shall we go swap it to the one that you like?’ or ‘sometimes I don’t like washing my hair either but let’s see if mummy can wash yours before you count to 10’ or ‘I know you really wanted to go on the swings but it’ll be your turn soon, why don’t we pick something else to go on!’

The outbursts of random screeching and tears tend to be when she doesn’t even understand herself why she’s upset, but she is. I’m 27, I can’t express to my husband sometimes why I’m overwhelmed, why I feel the need to just sit on the sofa and sob, but I do. I’d be more upset if he was to just walk away and tell me to come talk to him when I’m ready. I just let her ride it out, ask her if mummy can help her feel better and the only thing I don’t accept is any hitting/slapping.

Kids are hard. Really fucking hard. But they don’t understand anything like we do.

 

[Meg78]

“Mummy mummy I want a banana!”
“Ok darling go get one”
“Mummy mummy you need to peel it!”
*Mummy starts to peel*
*Toddler sinks to the ground with a blood curdling scream as they watch their best friend be skinned alive*

Why are they like this

 

[LilyRose1234]

Ah man, wet weekend and me and the hubby thought, let’s go pub for a few pints. Pack the kids iPads and away we go. Eldest is a dream, playing Minecraft, youngest being so loud screaming that we’ve cleared a few tables

I feel bad, those on the CF board would be ripping me a new one but maaaan I miss a wet Saturday afternoon pub sess

What makes me chuckle the most about people who complain about kids in public places (because obviously they’re sub human and should be kept at home out of sight) is their assumption that adults always behave impeccably out and about never seen a toddler starting a mass brawl or kicking off on a plane after one too many pre flight beers

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Just wanted to give anyone who is worrying about their child being behind etc a little glimmer of hope

Since September my nursery have made us feel like he was totally different to the others - I mean he is and that’s ok but they made me feel like he was seriously behind the others his age
He’s doing so well with his potty training. He hasn’t had any accidents at nursery this week.
He has come on with his speech a lot. He wasn’t saying anything this time last year
He was naming colours and Thomas & his friends . He was counting. Letting me read books to him now
He repeats a lot of what I say to him

After all the worrying and anxiety I feel like he is really flourishing lately. I knew he would get there in his own time but the pressure from nursery & family members has been really hard to be honest. I’ve had loads of sleepless nights where I’ve been worrying about him

He’s an amazing little boy and I am so proud how far we’ve come. Not all children develop at the same time and I feel there is SO MUCH pressure on parents

 

[DaisyDaisy87]

I HATEEE when you have older children running around the small baby/toddler section in a soft play as well and the parents just don’t care that their 5 year olds are trampling all over the babies in there

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Guess who did three wees on the potty at nursery today 🥲

 

[Definitelyme]

This is in no way potty training related so sorry for the off topic, but today my toddler had a full blown screaming, laying on the floor tantrum because the dog couldn’t do colouring with her

Your dog is very unreasonable.
---
Also I just saw I wrote CAT potty above. I meant CAR potty. I hope nobody is wondering wtf a cat potty is, or wondering if I make my kids pee in a litter tray.

 

[Definitelyme]

I can’t ever get cross at my kids when they throw something in a tantrum. I once threw a pan at the wall whilst having a (hormonal pregnancy) breakdown about it not cooking correctly.
Society expects children to behave like model citizens and never display big feelings, when as adults we are very guilty of doing it ourselves. A quick look through the local courts would show a large number of “crimes of passion”…… basically adults not controlling their big feelings
But we expect kids - who have the emotional intelligence of a thimble - to do it.
(I know not all adults are as unreasonable as I am though!)

 

[Definitelyme]

Nursery workers have a duty of care. Far better that everyone is reported and checked out by SS being over vigilant than they keep missing kids who end up dead.

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Guys. I can not believe it. We’ve just been to the stay and play session at his new school . He didn’t cry once and he did a ducking wee in the ducking toilet. I am in shock!!!!. I am so proud of him and feel like a weight has been lifted. I’ve had a nervous tummy all Damn day

 

[Definitelyme]

The problem I have with gentle parenting, and it’s not really a problem and hopefully one of you wise ladies can help, is that I don’t really understand it. I get the theory but I just never see it in practice. There seems to be a fine line between gentle parenting and just not really parenting and I don’t know how to walk it (for example at soft play, a child lobbed a toy at my then baby’s head, his mum said “oh no we don’t throw we use gentle hands” and he did it again, I moved her and then he did it to another child. Clearly that’s not really parenting (IMO anyway) but what actually constitutes “gentle parenting” in those circumstances?) I’m not sure if I’ve articulated it well at all, but I’m just confused about how far you go with boundaries etc. I didn’t realise the naughty step or going to their room was so controversial either (I don’t do them anyway as she’s too young and isn’t actually being naughty so what would it achieve )

I’m struggling anyway with pregnancy hormones m, usually quite chill but at the moment I’m so irritable and snappy all the time, feel like a terrible mum. Although I cried earlier because she waved at a bus and the bus driver and passengers waved back pregnancy is wild!

Anyway sorry that was a waffle!!!!

Gentle parenting just means (to me) holding the boundary in a respectful way. So in the example above the little boy threw. She started well, then when he threw again she should have repeated and given a consequence “if you throw again we will have to move out of this part so you don’t hurt anyone” and then when it happened again she should have reminded him “we don’t throw, you’re hurting other children. We are leaving this area now so you can’t hurt anyone else.”
Far too many people use gentle parenting as a cover for letting their kids run wild. But it’s not that at all. Having the boundaries in place, and using logical consequences, rather than punishments. So you throw things and hurt kids, you have to leave so you don’t hurt anyone else. You draw on the walls, you can’t have access to the pens anymore. You bit me, I’m moving away so you can’t hurt me again. It’s also the adult learning and making the environment suitable for the child to succeed - no pens freely available, watching closely for signs they are about to bite so you can stop it.

this is instead of:
you drew on the walls, I’m going to shout and make you sit out there for five minutes, (but you’ll still have access to the pens to do the same tomorrow)
You bit me so I’m going to smack you and show you hitting is ok if it’s an adult
You threw a toy so you can’t watch tv later

That’s just my take anyway! It’s consequence to your actions rather than punishment would be my biggest take away.

 

[Meg78]

Very grumbly tonight, we had a birthday party for my child recently and invited their entire antenatal class, their entire nursery class, and any children of our friends and family. About half of the nursery class ended up bringing siblings so the party was full to the brim and we were charged extra by the entertainment company but were happy to do so as we wanted to be inclusive. We also went out of our way to accommodate picky eaters, arranging entirely different food for them. In the last week I’ve found out that 4 children at the party have all had recent birthday parties and my child wasn’t invited to any of them. They didn’t have capacity issues, from the photos I’ve seen they were pretty sparse on the ground. I’m so annoyed at myself for going the extra mile to include asshats who give zero shits about my child, I’m so frustrated that I agonised for weeks over making sure we’d invited everyone and not left them out. My heart hurts for my poor kid, they love being around their peers and are so happy, I hate that the special needs child gets excluded and no one bats an eye, and I’m enraged that they turned up without a shred of embarrassment for how two faced they were being