Those with partners, how is work/housework split?

[Mermer89]

Hi all. Those with partners, talk to me about what you both do work wise and around the house.
My OH works full time- Monday to Friday 8-5. I now work part time around 26 hours a week but very long days (changed to part time about 2 months ago). I also do 2/3 agency shifts a month to top up my wage.

I do everything, well 95% of it all. On my work days he takes the youngest to school club and picks him up (only picks up once a week as their dad picks them up on Tuesdays). He will do their tea and have a tidy around and do our tea for when I’m back. A lot of weeks I only do one week day so this is usually a once a week thing.

Everything else is me. Cleaning, DIY, gardening, washing and ironing, changing the beds, food shopping, any appointments my youngest may have (autistic/ADHD). The boys are dressed and ready before I leave in a morning ad he gets up less than ten mins before they have to leave. Lunchboxes and meal planning all me. Lie ins at a weekend are always his- can’t remember the last time I stayed in bed after 6:30/7.
He’s got in a grump this afternoon because of an argument in the car after eldest’s football about positioning. He’s sat on the sofa since and I’ve cooked tea, cleaned up etc etc.
I get I have more days off and more days off without anyone at home but he usually gets that at the weekends when the boys go to their days- usually every other weekend but a few weeks not going atm due to their dad having a kidney transplant.
I cut my hours down because I was burnt out (diagnosed ADHD in January) but still bring home a good wage- can take home the most with the agency shifts included.

Just wondered what it’s all like in your houses?

 

[Megansnarkle]

Two adults no kids, both work part-time three days (although this has varied over the past few years with me working very long full-time hours, then him working full-time hours with me on three days etc). I've always taken the view that whoever is working fewest hours outside the home should be doing the bulk of the housework in the week. Any chores that then need to be done at the weekend (like washing up) should be shared.

If you're at home most of the week then I'd say that realistically there shouldn't be much cleaning that needs to be done in the evenings or at the weekend other than a bit of tidying up.

It sounds like the bits where you feel like you're lacking most support is with your boys. How long have you been together? Have you had a conversation about who does the bulk of the parenting?

 

[Sailorontheseasea]

3 kids under 5, I work 2 full days and he does 5 days usually 12+ hour days (chef). We split everything really equally and pick up where the other has left off usually. I’m very lucky that 1) my partner has adhd and so never sits still and always has to be doing something and 2) that he works SO many hours and still has the energy to do household duties/spend quality time with the kids.

Practically, yes, I do a lot more “chores” etc and obviously I cook when he isn’t home but I never ever feel short changed (wouldn’t do anyway as he works his arse off!) as whenever he is at home he will always give us 100%. We’ve never had to discuss it as we’ve always just got on with it.

 

[gummy-bear]

My partner and I work full time, no kids.
If my partner was left to it he’d do zero, but there’s no way I’m living like that. He has his weekly jobs (bins, changing the bedding, cleaning the bathrooms) and I have mine. We split the cooking and washing up 50/50. Whoever cooks on a particular evening, doesn’t do the wash up. We do the food shop together weekly and anything for the house goes in split wise (we don’t have a joint account) it works well at the moment. If there are weeks where one of us is working more and the jobs are a bit unfair then so be it but I couldn’t live in a house where it was all on me, I’d go mad!

 

[MrsLucas]

It drives me mad too I always feel like I’m running on empty. We have 3 girls eldest is 13, 6yo and a 6month old. I’m finding it harder than ever keeping on top of the constant washing, the constant tidying . We had a cleaner when I was also working full time and I have re hired her recently atm she just comes in once a week now baby is 6months is so much more difficult and I have a time frame with school runs and after school clubs. It really is a lot. My husbands got his own business and he works away a lot so he does bare minimum. I never ask him to do anything. It’s so difficult and it feels like a constant battle. Some days I feel like I’m winning when I change all our beds on the same day .

 

[Rosie glow]

Just me and husband at home I work 20 hours a week he works 50 to 60 hours a week hgv driving. I do most of the work at home he does the bins and the gardening he helps me with bits and bobs and does any DIY

 

[Some People!]

He works FT over around 3 days and usually spends around 2 days & nights a week away (no pattern to the days). The rest of the time he is at home.
I work 4 days a week, 1 tween kid.

He sometimes washes up, sometimes loads the dishwasher, sometimes hoovers.
I do absolutely everything - cooking, cleaning, shopping and meal planning, laundry, gardening, DIY, putting the bins out, overseeing homework, getting kid to/from school & clubs, paying bills... Definitely all of the emotional and administrative labour.

I swing between burning resentment of just how easy his life is, how much free time he has, how he wastes his free time, how little he has to worry about, etc and then when he'll try to do something helpful and it often just makes more work so I end up fine with just getting tit done myself.

He thinks I'm enormously controlling and want everything done "my way" and I don't dispute that to some degree: I'm the one who is here 24/7, 365 so I do need to have a handle on everything. It isn't 'helpful' to put things away where they don't go and we can't find them. It isn't 'helpful' to make a meal using food earmarked for other meals. It isn't 'helpful' to load the washing machine so full nothing gets cleaned and/or never get around to getting the stuff out.

That said, I don't keep on top of a lot of the domestic stuff - I'm terribly untidy and don't have a good routine for keeping up with the daily stuff and tend to try to get it all done on my day off.

 

[Codiaeum]

Two adults, no kids, we both work from home. I'm in a regular 40h/week employment, by partner is self-employed, but this is very recent, he used to be in a regular full-time position as well.
I think it's mostly fair, although I do perceive that I do more of specific things. We do most grocery shopping together, also cooking, as we enjoy doing that together.
I do a weekly cleaning of the bathroom and I also do more laundry. I love neither, but I feel like if I don't do it, it tends to pile up a bit. He on the other hand does a lot of the maintenance stuff like deep-cleaning the coffee machine, cleaning the filters of the dishwasher, etc. I'm no handywoman at all, but he is very good at that, so it makes sense that he takes care of such stuff. Overall, I'd say our split is 40:60, I do a bit more of the everyday stuff maybe, but he tends to tackle stuff I absolutely do not like (mopping the floors, yesterday he cleaned out the drains ). Since we have mostly equal working conditions and no commute, it works very well for us.

 

[JTsFringe]

Hi all. Those with partners, talk to me about what you both do work wise and around the house.
My OH works full time- Monday to Friday 8-5. I now work part time around 26 hours a week but very long days (changed to part time about 2 months ago). I also do 2/3 agency shifts a month to top up my wage.

I do everything, well 95% of it all. On my work days he takes the youngest to school club and picks him up (only picks up once a week as their dad picks them up on Tuesdays). He will do their tea and have a tidy around and do our tea for when I’m back. A lot of weeks I only do one week day so this is usually a once a week thing.

Everything else is me. Cleaning, DIY, gardening, washing and ironing, changing the beds, food shopping, any appointments my youngest may have (autistic/ADHD). The boys are dressed and ready before I leave in a morning ad he gets up less than ten mins before they have to leave. Lunchboxes and meal planning all me. Lie ins at a weekend are always his- can’t remember the last time I stayed in bed after 6:30/7.
He’s got in a grump this afternoon because of an argument in the car after eldest’s football about positioning. He’s sat on the sofa since and I’ve cooked tea, cleaned up etc etc.
I get I have more days off and more days off without anyone at home but he usually gets that at the weekends when the boys go to their days- usually every other weekend but a few weeks not going atm due to their dad having a kidney transplant.
I cut my hours down because I was burnt out (diagnosed ADHD in January) but still bring home a good wage- can take home the most with the agency shifts included.

Just wondered what it’s all like in your houses?

Sounds like you're better off on your own, not like you'd be missing anything.

 

[Elle Woods]

Both work full time, no children (I work 8.30 - 5 and he is self employed and tries to keep his hours similar to mine but often ends up working a couple of late nights a week).

I do all the cooking and cleaning, food shop, washing/ironing - generally everything tbh. I walk the dog twice a day, he'll try to come with me for the evening walk (provided he's not working) but never gets up early enough to come for the morning walk. The only thing he does is the washing up and taking the bins out. We always had the agreement I cook, he does the dishes. Everything else unfortunately does fall on me (not through choice, it's just how it's worked out).

I start my day at 5.30am and leave the house for work at 8. Between getting up and leaving I will do a load of washing, hoover, mop, clean the kitchen/bathroom, put dishes away, make both lunches for us and bath, get myself ready and walk the dog. He gets out of bed 10 mins before we leave for work.

This is not my ideal set up and I would prefer things to be 50.50. We have had a few disagreements about our set up recently, and admittedly if I nag he will do things, but it's never just done without me nagging! I remember making the mistake of complaining to his Mum about it before and she said "but that's what a woman does" and it just infuriated me I would like things to be a bit more even between us, after all, we are both out of the house for 40 hours a week minimum, so it's not like I just have tons more time than him to be doing everything.

 

[Blessed]

We both work full time (with hybrid working I.e. Going into the office 2 or 3 times a week), have an under 5 years old and one on the way. We split things equally.
OH does 3.5 days of taking care of our child fully (from wake up, nursery runs, dinner and sleep - on days I'm in the office, one weekend and one day we share) and i do the same.

Household chores are also divided - I do laundry, he does dishes, DIY handyman stuff (depends on task) we both alternate cooking or order food.

Thankfully we have a cleaner but when it's messy, we both clean.

It took a long time to lay down rules because I was exhausted doing everything myself and felt like giving up. Thankfully, he listened and took on a more hands-on role as a partner.

 

[Erling Haaland]

Regardless of who does what and how things are split. The fact he does SO little and is happy for you to do so much as well as working is so disrespectful. You wouldn’t treat a friend or family member like that? Not to mention all the lie ins on the weekend!

Split pretty evenly in my house hold. We both do separate things like I do all our washing and he does the bins, cat litter. Everything else we share. I grew up in a household where my mum did everything and I could never live like that.

 

[bongsandstuff]

He works full time and I study full time at university but live at his parents. We’ve been here for 5 years now and god it’s been tough. I finish uni next summer so hoping to get a job and finally move out. He works and pays rent and food and I just pay for my own things like my phone bill and anything else I buy. Besides working I do everything else! I cook, wash up afterwards, meal plan, clean, laundry and DIY! Sometimes I feel unappreciated but as long as he has the upper hand with working I try and help out as much as I can to make his life easy. It can be exhausting but I’m sure it’s way less than what he faces at work! When we move out (next year) I hope to split everything 50/50 bills wise, chores wise etc. I grew up in a home in which my dad did ZILCH besides working and my poor mum was and still is exhausted. I’d rather die than live that lifestyle so if he continues with his habits when we leave I’ll have no choice but to reconsider the relationship.

 

[Cheapseats]

Both retired. I do all the cleaning. He does all of the cooking. I do most baking. I do the gardening. He takes the bins out. Cat litter 70% he does, 30% me. Cat feeding I do mornings he mostly does evenings. Washing 100% me he would have to ask how to operate machine.. Changing bedcovers 50/50% House decor 50/50. DIY he does 95%.
I feel we share the tasks quite well. I would like to shove him out the kitchen more often.
Edited to add if you feel you are doing too much you need to ask him to do more or you will resent him.

 

[Pinhead Larry]

2 adults no kids. I work from home 3 days a week, 2 days in the office. He works currently 9-5, but this will change to nights, long days etc when he starts his training at work. I do most of the cleaning and washing, but we’ve just got a cleaner who’ll be coming once a fortnight. We cook together most evenings. I know I’ll do more of the chores when he’s on awkward shifts but it doesn’t bother me. He’s a higher earner than I am and he pays for a lot more than I can so I like being able to do things to make his life easier

 

[JoeBloggs]

2 adults and no kids, two cats. Technically I have no worked 'full time' since graduating. I tend to work 3-4 days a week, usual office hours as I am self employed. He works 5 8 hour shifts across the week (usually between the hours of 6am and 8pm) and has every other weekend off.

I refuse to work full time if I am doing 80-90% of the house work. Though ask my husband it he will call it a 50/50 split. We have had many an argument over the years and he claims he does more than most men and I should be grateful therefore I will not work 5 days a week. I also earn more doing 3 days a week so I feel it is justified.

However, I think it is all about expectation and that your expectation may not be your partners. I love a clean home and I enjoy cleaning. While my husbands likes a tidy home there are parts he just doesn't see and therefore I know I have to take on more to meet my expectations.

Also to add, my husband can be pretty lazy, like most men and I think most of the time they are just oblivious to things as women we notice. My mind is on 24/7, I barely sit down but that's just because it is not me. I don't enjoy sitting around where as my husband does.

Last night I was doing dinner, mine was ready so I was eating it. It was half time and I got up to finish his, he hadn't noticed and I had to ask him. I think most of the time they are so unaware, my husband will do most things if I ask but I know in the past I have expected it of him and he just doesn't realise.

I do all the finances, food shopping, cleaning, gardening, most of the washing and most of the DIY. If you are not happy with the way it works, you need to communicate with him. I bet he is completely unware of how you feel and what needs doing. You mention the boys go to their dads, do you two not have any children together?

 

[Mermer89]

2 adults and no kids, two cats. Technically I have no worked 'full time' since graduating. I tend to work 3-4 days a week, usual office hours as I am self employed. He works 5 8 hour shifts across the week (usually between the hours of 6am and 8pm) and has every other weekend off.

I refuse to work full time if I am doing 80-90% of the house work. Though ask my husband it he will call it a 50/50 split. We have had many an argument over the years and he claims he does more than most men and I should be grateful therefore I will not work 5 days a week. I also earn more doing 3 days a week so I feel it is justified.

However, I think it is all about expectation and that your expectation may not be your partners. I love a clean home and I enjoy cleaning. While my husbands likes a tidy home there are parts he just doesn't see and therefore I know I have to take on more to meet my expectations.

Also to add, my husband can be pretty lazy, like most men and I think most of the time they are just oblivious to things as women we notice. My mind is on 24/7, I barely sit down but that's just because it is not me. I don't enjoy sitting around where as my husband does.

Last night I was doing dinner, mine was ready so I was eating it. It was half time and I got up to finish his, he hadn't noticed and I had to ask him. I think most of the time they are so unaware, my husband will do most things if I ask but I know in the past I have expected it of him and he just doesn't realise.

I do all the finances, food shopping, cleaning, gardening, most of the washing and most of the DIY. If you are not happy with the way it works, you need to communicate with him. I bet he is completely unware of how you feel and what needs doing. You mention the boys go to their dads, do you two not have any children together?

We don’t have any children together. I’d just started uni again when we got together so that was 2 years and then a year or two qualified and then we decided gap was too big between my two. Also, youngest born at 24 weeks (he’s 9 now) means my mental health wouldn’t manage another baby.

We’ve had the conversation before when I was working full time (including 13 hour days) that it was too much. I eventually just burnt out (adhd making that worse).

I like doing the majority, I just hate that if I
Don’t do anything then it won’t get done.

 

[JoeBloggs]

I like doing the majority, I just hate that if I
Don’t do anything then it won’t get done.

As I said, many men just don't see it. I have mentioned things to my husband and he is just so oblivious it didn't even enter his remit.

You cannot force your expectations on someone else, therefore if it isn't their idea of a home but it is yours, then its something you have to take on. I am not saying he should do nothing, but I expect the beds changed weekly and the house cleaned weekly whereas my husband does not therefore I cannot expect him to clean it weekly.

Constantly being frustrated at your man doesn't do either of you any good. Maybe get a list together of jobs he could do (bins, DIY and maybe cook once a week) and see what he thinks, don't overload him and men love praise for the small things. They might as well have a reward chart!

 

[Randy Marsh]

We both work part time at the moment. Everything is 50/50. When he worked full time and I was part time I did all the cleaning, but everything else was 50/50.

 

[Dogtanian]

2 adults, no kids. I work 40-45 hours per week, my wife slightly less but commutes further.
I do the cooking, shopping, bins, washing up etc.
We share the laundry and cleaning (I do downstairs, the stairs and the landing, she tends to do the bedrooms and bathroom).
I'd pretty much say it was 50/50