Those with partners, how is work/housework split?

[Erling Haaland]

Regardless of who does what and how things are split. The fact he does SO little and is happy for you to do so much as well as working is so disrespectful. You wouldn’t treat a friend or family member like that? Not to mention all the lie ins on the weekend!

Split pretty evenly in my house hold. We both do separate things like I do all our washing and he does the bins, cat litter. Everything else we share. I grew up in a household where my mum did everything and I could never live like that.

 

[Some People!]

He works FT over around 3 days and usually spends around 2 days & nights a week away (no pattern to the days). The rest of the time he is at home.
I work 4 days a week, 1 tween kid.

He sometimes washes up, sometimes loads the dishwasher, sometimes hoovers.
I do absolutely everything - cooking, cleaning, shopping and meal planning, laundry, gardening, DIY, putting the bins out, overseeing homework, getting kid to/from school & clubs, paying bills... Definitely all of the emotional and administrative labour.

I swing between burning resentment of just how easy his life is, how much free time he has, how he wastes his free time, how little he has to worry about, etc and then when he'll try to do something helpful and it often just makes more work so I end up fine with just getting shit done myself.

He thinks I'm enormously controlling and want everything done "my way" and I don't dispute that to some degree: I'm the one who is here 24/7, 365 so I do need to have a handle on everything. It isn't 'helpful' to put things away where they don't go and we can't find them. It isn't 'helpful' to make a meal using food earmarked for other meals. It isn't 'helpful' to load the washing machine so full nothing gets cleaned and/or never get around to getting the stuff out.

That said, I don't keep on top of a lot of the domestic stuff - I'm terribly untidy and don't have a good routine for keeping up with the daily stuff and tend to try to get it all done on my day off.

 

[JoeBloggs]

2 adults and no kids, two cats. Technically I have no worked 'full time' since graduating. I tend to work 3-4 days a week, usual office hours as I am self employed. He works 5 8 hour shifts across the week (usually between the hours of 6am and 8pm) and has every other weekend off.

I refuse to work full time if I am doing 80-90% of the house work. Though ask my husband it he will call it a 50/50 split. We have had many an argument over the years and he claims he does more than most men and I should be grateful therefore I will not work 5 days a week. I also earn more doing 3 days a week so I feel it is justified.

However, I think it is all about expectation and that your expectation may not be your partners. I love a clean home and I enjoy cleaning. While my husbands likes a tidy home there are parts he just doesn't see and therefore I know I have to take on more to meet my expectations.

Also to add, my husband can be pretty lazy, like most men and I think most of the time they are just oblivious to things as women we notice. My mind is on 24/7, I barely sit down but that's just because it is not me. I don't enjoy sitting around where as my husband does.

Last night I was doing dinner, mine was ready so I was eating it. It was half time and I got up to finish his, he hadn't noticed and I had to ask him. I think most of the time they are so unaware, my husband will do most things if I ask but I know in the past I have expected it of him and he just doesn't realise.

I do all the finances, food shopping, cleaning, gardening, most of the washing and most of the DIY. If you are not happy with the way it works, you need to communicate with him. I bet he is completely unware of how you feel and what needs doing. You mention the boys go to their dads, do you two not have any children together?

 

[Elle Woods]

Both work full time, no children (I work 8.30 - 5 and he is self employed and tries to keep his hours similar to mine but often ends up working a couple of late nights a week).

I do all the cooking and cleaning, food shop, washing/ironing - generally everything tbh. I walk the dog twice a day, he'll try to come with me for the evening walk (provided he's not working) but never gets up early enough to come for the morning walk. The only thing he does is the washing up and taking the bins out. We always had the agreement I cook, he does the dishes. Everything else unfortunately does fall on me (not through choice, it's just how it's worked out).

I start my day at 5.30am and leave the house for work at 8. Between getting up and leaving I will do a load of washing, hoover, mop, clean the kitchen/bathroom, put dishes away, make both lunches for us and bath, get myself ready and walk the dog. He gets out of bed 10 mins before we leave for work.

This is not my ideal set up and I would prefer things to be 50.50. We have had a few disagreements about our set up recently, and admittedly if I nag he will do things, but it's never just done without me nagging! I remember making the mistake of complaining to his Mum about it before and she said "but that's what a woman does" and it just infuriated me I would like things to be a bit more even between us, after all, we are both out of the house for 40 hours a week minimum, so it's not like I just have tons more time than him to be doing everything.

 

[peachhes]

I work Monday - Thursday 8-4 , he works 12 hour shifts , 4 on 4 off in the military so is usually away for those 4 days so I do 99% of all household chores. My son's dad takes him to school when I'm working. I set my son up for school before I leave for work , come straight home to start dinner . I do all the cleaning on my day off , change beads etc. Washing , all me , he will take it out if the washing machine and out into the dryer when he is around. He will wash up after dinner , but I do all the cooking.
I always say , I work 30 hours per week and then I have my unpaid work at home . He finishes work and his free time is his own , whereas me , my " free time " is cooking , cleaning and clearing up after him and my son. I'm exhausted to be truthful , and fed up

I feel the same, most of my free time is housework. If I complain about it or I’m tired of it i get the response of ‘don’t do it then’

 

[Mermer89]

Hi all. Those with partners, talk to me about what you both do work wise and around the house.
My OH works full time- Monday to Friday 8-5. I now work part time around 26 hours a week but very long days (changed to part time about 2 months ago). I also do 2/3 agency shifts a month to top up my wage.

I do everything, well 95% of it all. On my work days he takes the youngest to school club and picks him up (only picks up once a week as their dad picks them up on Tuesdays). He will do their tea and have a tidy around and do our tea for when I’m back. A lot of weeks I only do one week day so this is usually a once a week thing.

Everything else is me. Cleaning, DIY, gardening, washing and ironing, changing the beds, food shopping, any appointments my youngest may have (autistic/ADHD). The boys are dressed and ready before I leave in a morning ad he gets up less than ten mins before they have to leave. Lunchboxes and meal planning all me. Lie ins at a weekend are always his- can’t remember the last time I stayed in bed after 6:30/7.
He’s got in a grump this afternoon because of an argument in the car after eldest’s football about positioning. He’s sat on the sofa since and I’ve cooked tea, cleaned up etc etc.
I get I have more days off and more days off without anyone at home but he usually gets that at the weekends when the boys go to their days- usually every other weekend but a few weeks not going atm due to their dad having a kidney transplant.
I cut my hours down because I was burnt out (diagnosed ADHD in January) but still bring home a good wage- can take home the most with the agency shifts included.

Just wondered what it’s all like in your houses?

 

[Sailorontheseasea]

3 kids under 5, I work 2 full days and he does 5 days usually 12+ hour days (chef). We split everything really equally and pick up where the other has left off usually. I’m very lucky that 1) my partner has adhd and so never sits still and always has to be doing something and 2) that he works SO many hours and still has the energy to do household duties/spend quality time with the kids.

Practically, yes, I do a lot more “chores” etc and obviously I cook when he isn’t home but I never ever feel short changed (wouldn’t do anyway as he works his arse off!) as whenever he is at home he will always give us 100%. We’ve never had to discuss it as we’ve always just got on with it.

 

[Pinkpenguinx]

I work Monday - Thursday 8-4 , he works 12 hour shifts , 4 on 4 off in the military so is usually away for those 4 days so I do 99% of all household chores. My son's dad takes him to school when I'm working. I set my son up for school before I leave for work , come straight home to start dinner . I do all the cleaning on my day off , change beads etc. Washing , all me , he will take it out if the washing machine and out into the dryer when he is around. He will wash up after dinner , but I do all the cooking.
I always say , I work 30 hours per week and then I have my unpaid work at home . He finishes work and his free time is his own , whereas me , my " free time " is cooking , cleaning and clearing up after him and my son. I'm exhausted to be truthful , and fed up

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

My husband and I (no kids) both work Monday-Friday 9-5 and we pretty much split it down the middle. It’s just kind of happened naturally that way, we never really discuss who does what.

We have a cat and he does all the litter tray upkeep, he does the bins, any DIY he will do.

Food shopping, cooking and cleaning the kitchen afterwards we always do together. Neither of us can comfortably sit on the couch while the other cooks, so we always stay in the kitchen and help each other out.

hoovering is 50/50, unless the cat has made a mess with his litter, it’s usually me who will mention getting the hoover out, but most of the time he will take the hoover off me and do it himself.

washing, I usually get the basket out and put it in the washer (he doesn’t always think to do it), but he will help me put the washing on the line & radiators etc.

the bathroom, dusting etc probably wouldn’t get done if I didn’t start doing it, but he will always join in.

im lucky that he had a very good example growing up with his dad, who’s always done his share. I do sometimes feel guilty that he does a lot because he’s a manager and works harder than me, but he insists on doing things.

don’t get me wrong, he isn’t perfect, he is very messy and doesn’t understand we own a bin half the time and he can’t seem to clean the toilet after himself, but I ignore that because he does do a lot and he works hard.

 

[Pinhead Larry]

2 adults no kids. I work from home 3 days a week, 2 days in the office. He works currently 9-5, but this will change to nights, long days etc when he starts his training at work. I do most of the cleaning and washing, but we’ve just got a cleaner who’ll be coming once a fortnight. We cook together most evenings. I know I’ll do more of the chores when he’s on awkward shifts but it doesn’t bother me. He’s a higher earner than I am and he pays for a lot more than I can so I like being able to do things to make his life easier

 

[Codiaeum]

Two adults, no kids, we both work from home. I'm in a regular 40h/week employment, by partner is self-employed, but this is very recent, he used to be in a regular full-time position as well.
I think it's mostly fair, although I do perceive that I do more of specific things. We do most grocery shopping together, also cooking, as we enjoy doing that together.
I do a weekly cleaning of the bathroom and I also do more laundry. I love neither, but I feel like if I don't do it, it tends to pile up a bit. He on the other hand does a lot of the maintenance stuff like deep-cleaning the coffee machine, cleaning the filters of the dishwasher, etc. I'm no handywoman at all, but he is very good at that, so it makes sense that he takes care of such stuff. Overall, I'd say our split is 40:60, I do a bit more of the everyday stuff maybe, but he tends to tackle stuff I absolutely do not like (mopping the floors, yesterday he cleaned out the drains ). Since we have mostly equal working conditions and no commute, it works very well for us.

 

[Pinkpenguinx]

Hi, not really sure where else to ask this and looked around for suitable threads, this is the closest I could find.. I’m on maternity leave, have 10 week old twins.. Partner has recently gone back to work full time; 8hr day shift/12hr nights. When he’s on nights, he only helps with one feed before he heads out to work. He is absolutely hopeless with housework, and mainly because I have particular ways I want things done, and he does try his best but I end up doing it myself. When he’s on days, it’s not too bad, he’s an amazing dad and I can work away (I actually quite enjoy cleaning). But when he’s on nights it’s hard to get anything done and look after two babies. We’ve discussed getting someone in to help with the housework, but more than likely a local teenager who’s looking for a bit of pocket money.

I used to do this, and was lucky to get €20 for 2-3 hours work, but we’re talking 15 years ago and I’m wondering would you pay someone like this minimum wage? At the moment I do not expect this person to look after my babies, although it would be a great opportunity down the line for this person to also babysit, as we’re new to the area, and are options are very limited..

sorry for the long spiel, just genuinely curious… TIA.

If I had the spare money would I pay someone, yes of cource...... A teenager no, minimum wage also no. If it was a teenager I knew well perhaps. Same with babysitting, I'd need to know someone very very well to be around my kids. I had no family around when my son was born and that was that, you just get on with it.

 

[Magnolia4]

He is absolutely hopeless with housework, and mainly because I have particular ways I want things done, and he does try his best but I end up doing it myself.

You have to let it go or you’ll have a breakdown very soon (especially with two small babies!!!)

 

[Giggling Squid]

There’s 2 of us, no kids. He works from home, I don’t and probably work more hours than he does

I do the majority of shopping and cooking (all dinners, and most weekend cooking), he will cook/make his own lunches and breakfasts. Occasionally makes dinner when it’s hello fresh or something easy. He also always washes up/cleans up/ does the dishwasher after I’ve cooked.. and after he’s done it too.

in terms of cleaning,we do a ‘big’ clean once a week, I do downstairs he does upstairs (I also do a deep clean upstairs when he’s away but he doesn’t know this……….). He also does the bins and cat litter because he’s wonderful.

Ill generally put a load of washing on before I leave for work, and it magically gets dried and colder ready for me to put away

He would love it if I let him cook more but a. I’m a self confessed control freak an b. He’s rubbish

I think it’s pretty fair between us. I probably “do more” but he does the shitty boring jobs so it works for us

edit: DIY we share, he does the manual stuff (drilling, stuff like that I do the stuff requiring attention to detail like painting especially cutting in)

 

[MrsLucas]

It drives me mad too I always feel like I’m running on empty. We have 3 girls eldest is 13, 6yo and a 6month old. I’m finding it harder than ever keeping on top of the constant washing, the constant tidying . We had a cleaner when I was also working full time and I have re hired her recently atm she just comes in once a week now baby is 6months is so much more difficult and I have a time frame with school runs and after school clubs. It really is a lot. My husbands got his own business and he works away a lot so he does bare minimum. I never ask him to do anything. It’s so difficult and it feels like a constant battle. Some days I feel like I’m winning when I change all our beds on the same day .

 

[Blessed]

We both work full time (with hybrid working I.e. Going into the office 2 or 3 times a week), have an under 5 years old and one on the way. We split things equally.
OH does 3.5 days of taking care of our child fully (from wake up, nursery runs, dinner and sleep - on days I'm in the office, one weekend and one day we share) and i do the same.

Household chores are also divided - I do laundry, he does dishes, DIY handyman stuff (depends on task) we both alternate cooking or order food.

Thankfully we have a cleaner but when it's messy, we both clean.

It took a long time to lay down rules because I was exhausted doing everything myself and felt like giving up. Thankfully, he listened and took on a more hands-on role as a partner.

 

[Megansnarkle]

Two adults no kids, both work part-time three days (although this has varied over the past few years with me working very long full-time hours, then him working full-time hours with me on three days etc). I've always taken the view that whoever is working fewest hours outside the home should be doing the bulk of the housework in the week. Any chores that then need to be done at the weekend (like washing up) should be shared.

If you're at home most of the week then I'd say that realistically there shouldn't be much cleaning that needs to be done in the evenings or at the weekend other than a bit of tidying up.

It sounds like the bits where you feel like you're lacking most support is with your boys. How long have you been together? Have you had a conversation about who does the bulk of the parenting?

 

[Dogtanian]

2 adults, no kids. I work 40-45 hours per week, my wife slightly less but commutes further.
I do the cooking, shopping, bins, washing up etc.
We share the laundry and cleaning (I do downstairs, the stairs and the landing, she tends to do the bedrooms and bathroom).
I'd pretty much say it was 50/50

 

[Rosie glow]

Just me and husband at home I work 20 hours a week he works 50 to 60 hours a week hgv driving. I do most of the work at home he does the bins and the gardening he helps me with bits and bobs and does any DIY

 

[theweekend]

No kids here. I work from home most days and he works long hours in the city. Tbh I would do more but my main mission in life is to not end up like my mother doing EVERYTHING for absolutely no reason or thanks so I play them at their own game and just don’t, or pretend I don’t ‘see’ certain things so he has to sort it out.

I did a lot more previously as was originally working a very low workload job I loved for shit pay so had a lot of extra time to help him out and do chores. Once I moved onto a well paid but very stressful role I realised he was taking the piss a bit, every day it was "can you take my car for an MOT" "can you go to the pharmacy for me" "can you post this letter for me" "my washing is in the machine can you hang it up" it was exhausting. It was essentially a second full time job just doing all of his life admin so I had to put my foot down - e.g. wet washing was left so now he only does it when he knows he will be there to hang it up, rather than just assuming I will do it.

I do all the cooking, shopping and meal planning. He does all DYI, gardening and takes the bins out (I pretend to forget when bin day is). Washing is 50/50. Cleaning is a bit of a Mexican standoff atm - but it's probably 50/50 in the end. Originally he cleaned the kitchen each night after I cooked which was probably unfair tbh but in the spirit of not ending up like my mum I tried to see how long I could make him do it... He stopped eventually though.

He did live on his own for a while which really helps in terms of the mental load as he literally had to set up his own mortgage and bills etc, but otherwise all planning falls to me. I really worry about if/when we have kids but I'm hoping this is a much fairer foundation on which to build a family and deal with all the associated workload (that will inevitably fall to me).