The Depression Thread

Sideboard Bob said:

Oh my gosh, that’s hard-going. I really hope you can take it easy day, getting by on just one hours sleep is SO hard, physically and mentally. I had a really bad period of insomnia years ago, and the only thing that helped in the end was Tesco’s own version of Nytol, but I know different things work for different people.

I am thank you, I’m lucky it’s the weekend and I can just hide from the world. I know that’s not very helpful to do, but hey.
I enjoyed it too, and yes, that totally makes sense. It’s such a cruel effect of MH problems, that even when you rationally know otherwise, you feel so alone. Chatting about it in a honest way helps me realise I’m just a normal person who’s unwell at the moment.

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Of course you are a normal person, we all are on here, but struggling with mh problems is so hard, especially with folks who don't understand, be so much easier to say oh I've broken my arm, look at this, but for us folks, we can't do that I hide away from the world as much as I can, which I know doesn't help, but when you've been knocked down and treated like crap, it really makes you guarded.

StillLucilleBluth said:

Hi everyone. First of all I just echo what everyone has said - thank goodness for this forum! Tattle generally and this thread have really got through some tough times. I hope everyone is OK-ish today?

I’m in a dark place, it was my birthday yesterday and I’m in my late 30s and freshly broken up, never thought I’d be single at this age and I miss my ex so much I feel like I’m dying. Even though my friends were lovely and tried to make it special, I just want to cry all the time because I’m so lonely and the pain of missing him is unbearable.

I’m hoping beyond hope that the sertraline I’ve started kicks in soon, as I’ve said on that thread. I just feel like an absolute failure and I’m being so horrible to myself but it’s hard to stop. It’s like part of me is constantly saying “you’re alone, you don’t have a family, you’ve failed, it’ll never happen, you have to go home alone, you’ve lost”. Luckily I’m back at the GP on Wednesday so I’m just hanging in there for that.

I also agree with what others have said about how frustrating it is to have to struggle so much, spend so much, and try so hard just to be at the same baseline of ‘normal’ mental health. I’m sure anyone with any kind of illness feels the same but god it’s hard.

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Am sorry you're feeling like this, you are not a failure, you can't help how you feel, and yes it sucks big time, give the serotonin time to work, unfortunately ads can take a while, how I wish for a miracle pill to take when I'm feeling like this!

You know, the other day I was doing okay and thinking, we are understanding and supportive of other people with chronic illnesses, why don’t we try to be understanding and supportive of ourselves? While it does not always have physical symptoms, depression is pretty much a chronic illness and can be debilitating. At first it was difficult to think of myself as ill, but it helped me on my way to being at peace with myself. It does not define me, but it is part of who I am.

I just wish I could follow my own advice sometimes, today nothing seems to help much and I’m so sad. It’s my birthday soon, I hate it with a passion as I feel like I only grow older and watch my life go by when my peers have successful careers, money and satisfying love lives.

Raymond Luxury-Yacht said:

You know, the other day I was doing okay and thinking, we are understanding and supportive of other people with chronic illnesses, why don’t we try to be understanding and supportive of ourselves? While it does not always have physical symptoms, depression is pretty much a chronic illness and can be debilitating. At first it was difficult to think of myself as ill, but it helped me on my way to being at peace with myself. It does not define me, but it is part of who I am.

I just wish I could follow my own advice sometimes, today nothing seems to help much and I’m so sad. It’s my birthday soon, I hate it with a passion as I feel like I only grow older and watch my life go by when my peers have successful careers, money and satisfying love lives.

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It’s so hard isn’t it. I definitely resist accepting a) my mental health challenges and b) the state of my life now, but I kind of know deep down that acceptance is the way forward.

I also totally get the friend comparison thing. It gets me really stuck on “this is so unfair”. I love my friends and I want to be around them but they’re all so much further ahead with their relationships than I am and it makes me more aware of my own status which is very difficult.

StillLucilleBluth said:

Hi everyone. First of all I just echo what everyone has said - thank goodness for this forum! Tattle generally and this thread have really got through some tough times. I hope everyone is OK-ish today?

I’m in a dark place, it was my birthday yesterday and I’m in my late 30s and freshly broken up, never thought I’d be single at this age and I miss my ex so much I feel like I’m dying. Even though my friends were lovely and tried to make it special, I just want to cry all the time because I’m so lonely and the pain of missing him is unbearable.

I’m hoping beyond hope that the sertraline I’ve started kicks in soon, as I’ve said on that thread. I just feel like an absolute failure and I’m being so horrible to myself but it’s hard to stop. It’s like part of me is constantly saying “you’re alone, you don’t have a family, you’ve failed, it’ll never happen, you have to go home alone, you’ve lost”. Luckily I’m back at the GP on Wednesday so I’m just hanging in there for that.

I also agree with what others have said about how frustrating it is to have to struggle so much, spend so much, and try so hard just to be at the same baseline of ‘normal’ mental health. I’m sure anyone with any kind of illness feels the same but god it’s hard.

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I just want to say I’m so sorry about your breakup. Being broken hearted is so painful, physically and mentally, I really feel for you. You should be proud of yourself that you got through your birthday, I don‘t mean that in a condescending way, it can’t have been easy. Here’s hoping the sertraline helps you soon.

Sideboard Bob said:

I just want to say I’m so sorry about your breakup. Being broken hearted is so painful, physically and mentally, I really feel for you. You should be proud of yourself that you got through your birthday, I don‘t mean that in a condescending way, it can’t have been easy. Here’s hoping the sertraline helps you soon.

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Raymond Luxury-Yacht said:

You know, the other day I was doing okay and thinking, we are understanding and supportive of other people with chronic illnesses, why don’t we try to be understanding and supportive of ourselves? While it does not always have physical symptoms, depression is pretty much a chronic illness and can be debilitating. At first it was difficult to think of myself as ill, but it helped me on my way to being at peace with myself. It does not define me, but it is part of who I am.

I just wish I could follow my own advice sometimes, today nothing seems to help much and I’m so sad. It’s my birthday soon, I hate it with a passion as I feel like I only grow older and watch my life go by when my peers have successful careers, money and satisfying love lives.

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Someone once told me when you're thinking negative thoughts about yourself imagine screaming them at a child version of yourself. It's meant to be like stopping to think that you're just hurting something within you. You wouldn't wish those things on a younger you so you should try not to project within. (Not advice or anything just something I was told as a bit of a different strategy for dealing with thoughts)

StillLucilleBluth said:

Spoiler: Me-rail breakup whinge

Thank you. I’m glad (but also sad) that you understand how hard it is. It was a month ago and I feel like most of my friends have already forgotten about it - apart from the ones who’ve had their hearts broken too, because they get it. Thank you for legitimising the shitness of it

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Following the chat about being a homebody, my boyfriend has decided even more so that cleaning up around the house isn’t something he’d like to partake in. I spent the last two days deep cleaning the house, and it’s a fucking tip already.

Sick to the back teeth of it. I don’t even know how he manages to get it in such a mess. I cook dinner and yet somehow he manages to turn the kitchen upside down. I find his socks in the most bizarre places. He’s incapable of hoovering. There’s rubbish piled up (his only job) and he just blindly ignores it. There’s stuff in the living room he swore he was going to take to the tip months ago.

I know full well he’s a clean freak at work and keeps everything clean and tidy. Why he can’t do the absolute basics at home is beyond me.

Feeling super depressed this weekend. I’m almost 30 weeks pregnant so I have an added guilt of feeling depressed when I should be excited. Don’t get me wrong I’m really excited to have my baby but I just can’t shake the low moods.

Mental health services are beyond crap in this country. In the last two weeks I’ve spoke to a GP, my midwife & IAPT mental health services and the best option I’ve been given is to read a self help guide about anxiety and depression I’m not bad enough to see a perinatal mental health team apparently. Long waiting list for any talking therapies. I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression for over 15 years. Explained that I would never harm myself but I constantly think what is the point of being alive feeling like this so much of the time?

I’m so glad i have my baby to focus on but I’m also really scared how my mental health is going to play out when she’s here and if I’m going to suffer with PND. I feel like if I needed help I wouldn’t get it. My husband has annoyed me too this weekend and I just feel really lonely and unsupported but maybe that’s just the depression making me feel that way.

Sorry just needed to get my thoughts out somewhere

I feel so down and just consumed by crippling lonliness every day. I don't want to go to work as I have to pretend to be happy but then I don't want to leave knowing I'm going back to an empty house.
I'm trying to fill my time but should life really be about just getting through it? I have nothing to look forward to, I'm single with absolutely no prospects around me and coming up to a milestone birthday which I thought would be very different a few years ago.

I hate my life but don't know how to change it. I want someone to love but can't seem to find options anywhere. I feel like I'll be alone forever and if that's the case I'd rather just not bother.

Pariszai said:

I feel so down and just consumed by crippling lonliness every day. I don't want to go to work as I have to pretend to be happy but then I don't want to leave knowing I'm going back to an empty house.
I'm trying to fill my time but should life really be about just getting through it? I have nothing to look forward to, I'm single with absolutely no prospects around me and coming up to a milestone birthday which I thought would be very different a few years ago.

I hate my life but don't know how to change it. I want someone to love but can't seem to find options anywhere. I feel like I'll be alone forever and if that's the case I'd rather just not bother.

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I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I totally get it. Sometimes I hate my life and just can’t be bothered either.

I also totally get not wanting to go to work and not wanting to go home either. It’s rough! And as for the birthdays… say no more

I will say, it’s such a positive thing that you want to and have the will to change your life. That’s not to be underestimated. Even if it seems daunting can you think of some micro changes or adjustments you could try, to see if things improve even slightly? Sometimes just a moment of relief can be enough to provide some hope.

My mental health nurse based in my GP surgery is just awful. I actually cancelled my appointment with her after i called up desperate to talk to her. I told her i had lost nearly three stone in 9 months and she said well why don't you eat (scoffing at me down the phone). I have a history of depression and panic attacks/cbt/tablets but when she speaks to me its like i am bothering her - its literally ur fucking job to help me. "I dont know what u think i can do for you" help me please! Not make me cry more on the phone because your dismissing my problems. I have a badly behaved child (just got CAHMS involvement) and the situation with her school refusal really contributes to the state of my mental health. What did my mental health nurse tell me? Go watch supernanny on youtube.
Why would you make someone feel like theres no hope when it is actually your job to hear your patients out. So dangerous

Sending my support and best wishes for each of you today.
When I first found this site a while ago, there was a hilarious poster, think her screen name was Freda, and she used the dancing mushroom frequently. Just seeing them always made me laugh, so here’s some for all of you:

Sending thoughts to everyone on this thread.

Does anyone just avoid stuff because it causes so much anxiety.

I do it at work all the time - I could be good at my job and want to be, but I'm just paralysed with anxiety sometimes and I don't know why. Mostly since the pandemic, where I've worked alone my entire time in this job, and because I'm not closely supervised I just sit here and I hate it. Its like I'm sabotaging myself (it's a good and interesting job, if a bit laborious and thankless at times) and I can't help it.

Overall my mood is much better generally, my mental health is way better overall than it has been for a long time and this feels like the last hurdle.

nothanksbabes said:

Does anyone just avoid stuff because it causes so much anxiety.

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Yes. Really trivial stuff too.

I avoid replying to certain emails at work because I just know the tone that their going to reply with. So I sit with loads of unread and flagged emails in my inbox which then makes me more anxious.

I avoid the work kitchen at certain times because I know people will be in there and I can’t bare the awkward small talk. Even if I’m really thirsty or need the toilet it’s as if I’m frozen and glued to my office chair.

I avoid putting petrol in my car. I don’t know why it just makes me panic. I’ve been driving almost 10 years and I still can’t use the pumps without them clicking and nothing comes out. So I end up free-wheeling until my cars beeping at my with the warning “low fuel sign” and I have to fill up.

I sell a lot of clothes on depop/eBay and for some reason going to the post office makes me anxious. I leave it a few days and then panic and end up sending everything first class so I don’t get bad reviews.

Also avoid going to the manned checkouts in supermarkets. Even if they’re empty I’d rather stand in a small queue and wait for a self-service check out.

Many that will post on here will be mistaking sadness with depression, so before stating you have ‘depression’, go through the correct channels of diagnosis, do your research, and self reflect, because the whole flippant culture of ‘I feel depressed’ and ‘I have anxiety and depression’ is becoming monotonous.

keepitrealbarney said:

Many that will post on here will be mistaking sadness with depression, so before stating you have ‘depression’, go through the correct channels of diagnosis, do your research, and self reflect, because the whole flippant culture of ‘I feel depressed’ and ‘I have anxiety and depression’ is becoming monotonous.

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I don’t think this comment is fair.

This thread should be a safe and welcoming space for all to discuss their feelings and experiences.

Nobody has the right to tell someone they don’t feel depressed or suffer from anxiety. Mental health services (in my country, the UK) are so underfunded. It’s hard enough to get a GP appointment for a physical illness/infection and it’s even harder when it comes to appointments for mental health.

I’ve had bad bouts of depression since being a teenager. Literally stopped going to college. Couldn’t get out of bed. Didn’t take showers or brush my teeth for days. Didn’t eat. Just felt numb.

I’ve been suffering with anxiety since childhood and only recently had the courage to speak about my experiences with the GP and been prescribed medication to help my cope with the physical symptoms.

So I’d be insulted if someone tried to tell me I was mistaking my depression for “sadness” and my anxiety as “normal worrying”. I can function with the help of support and medication. But it doesn’t mean I don’t suffer.

keepitrealbarney said:

Many that will post on here will be mistaking sadness with depression, so before stating you have ‘depression’, go through the correct channels of diagnosis, do your research, and self reflect, because the whole flippant culture of ‘I feel depressed’ and ‘I have anxiety and depression’ is becoming monotonous.

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Not really sure which bit of this thread full of people on various anti-depressants, in therapy and recovering from self harm among other issues you think is just some people who feel a bit sad diagnosing themselves with depression for a laugh.

This is the reason I don't bother telling people. Outwardly I'm the life and soul of the party and function well enough, but have struggled with complex PTSD my entire adult life. But I have a laugh with my mates and manage to brush my hair so I must just be a bit sad .

justheretoread99 said:

Yes. Really trivial stuff too.

I avoid replying to certain emails at work because I just know the tone that their going to reply with. So I sit with loads of unread and flagged emails in my inbox which then makes me more anxious.

I avoid the work kitchen at certain times because I know people will be in there and I can’t bare the awkward small talk. Even if I’m really thirsty or need the toilet it’s as if I’m frozen and glued to my office chair.

I avoid putting petrol in my car. I don’t know why it just makes me panic. I’ve been driving almost 10 years and I still can’t use the pumps without them clicking and nothing comes out. So I end up free-wheeling until my cars beeping at my with the warning “low fuel sign” and I have to fill up.

I sell a lot of clothes on depop/eBay and for some reason going to the post office makes me anxious. I leave it a few days and then panic and end up sending everything first class so I don’t get bad reviews.

Also avoid going to the manned checkouts in supermarkets. Even if they’re empty I’d rather stand in a small queue and wait for a self-service check out.

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Thanks for replying. I'm exactly the same and I wish I knew how to just crack on with stuff, but the procrastination just makes everything a million times harder in the long run. I just feel like I need a rest but gotta keep a roof over my head I guess.

keepitrealbarney said:

My

I disagree, my comment is fair.

I am also based in the UK, and know first hand that the mental health organisations are overwhelmed, and the reason for that is what I said in my initial comment, people are incorrectly self diagnosing and as a result, wasting time of GP’s and unnecessarily utilising facilities that are for those in actual need of them.

So I stand by what I say, there is a minority claiming depression for sadness and anxiety for worrying, making it difficult for the majority that really NEED the support from the mental health organisations that are overwhelmed.

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We’ll agree to disagree.

So sad that there’s clearly still so much stigma around depression (and other mental health conditions).

My point is, none of us know what’s going on in someone’s else’s head. Not me. Not you. Not anybody but them.

If someone just seems “sad” or “worried” to you, you really have no idea what they truly feel. A lot of people with depression are ‘high functioning’. (Although, I hate that term). To strangers in public I seem bubbly and chatty. When in reality I’ve just spent the past 2 weeks in bed, surviving off 1 small meal a day with un-brushed hair and un-cleaned teeth.

To the person “worrying” over something but seems calm on the outside. You have no idea about the heart palpitations they have. The trembling. The sweating. The shortness of breath and tight heavy chest. Their racing thoughts and sense of dread on the inside.

Comments like yours put people off opening up and asking for help/support.

To claim a “minority” of people are wasting GP’s time and unnecessarily utilising facilities is so ignorant. In an ideal world everybody should be able to have time with GPs and have access to facilities. No matter how big or small their “sadness” or “worrying” may seem to others.

I don’t want to sound like I’m trying to police a thread but this probably isn’t the thread for you.

nothanksbabes said:

Thanks for replying. I'm exactly the same and I wish I knew how to just crack on with stuff, but the procrastination just makes everything a million times harder in the long run. I just feel like I need a rest but gotta keep a roof over my head I guess.

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Oh totally! It’s such a vicious cycle isn’t it. Feeling so anxious about something then procrastinating and feeling even more anxious because we’ve procrastinated. It’s good to know there are others that feel the same. I feel crazy and pathetic sometimes like “why can’t I just do it now”