The Depression Thread

[Sideboard Bob]

I really hope everyone’s doing as ok as can be.

I’m so sorry I just need to rant. I’ve asked if I can try a different antidepressant and have been referred to the community mental health team, which is fine, but it means a potentially long wait for an appointment, and I don’t know how to deal with that.

Spoiler: Self h*rm thoughts

Every single day I keep thinking about violently hurting myself. I can’t stop these thoughts. Thankfully I’ve not acted on any of them, but it’s wearing me down so much, on top of being so depressed it’s hard to do anything,

I’ve spoken to MH professionals about this, and no one will explain what these thoughts mean. It’s not like actual self-harm (thankfully), and I looked up “intrusive thoughts” but that’s connected to OCD, which I don’t have.

I’m just scared it will get too much. It’s like my brain obsesses over things like stabbing myself or breaking my own arm.

I really try to get better, I don’t want to be stuck this way, but it takes so much energy just to deal with these thoughts.

 

[Maid22]

I really hope everyone’s doing as ok as can be.

I’m so sorry I just need to rant. I’ve asked if I can try a different antidepressant and have been referred to the community mental health team, which is fine, but it means a potentially long wait for an appointment, and I don’t know how to deal with that.

Spoiler: Self h*rm thoughts

Every single day I keep thinking about violently hurting myself. I can’t stop these thoughts. Thankfully I’ve not acted on any of them, but it’s wearing me down so much, on top of being so depressed it’s hard to do anything,

I’ve spoken to MH professionals about this, and no one will explain what these thoughts mean. It’s not like actual self-harm (thankfully), and I looked up “intrusive thoughts” but that’s connected to OCD, which I don’t have.

I’m just scared it will get too much. It’s like my brain obsesses over things like stabbing myself or breaking my own arm.

I really try to get better, I don’t want to be stuck this way, but it takes so much energy just to deal with these thoughts.

I'm so sorry to read this, you're one on here who has so much good advice for others. I can so understand those thoughts, I'm surprised I'm still here tbh, I really hope you get to see someone soon , sending love x

 

[Silverplume]

Are there any MH phone services available near you? An emergency room or hospital? I think it would be good for you to talk to a professional and I don’t know how to push you to the front of the line so you don’t have to wait.
I know that here in the US, if you say you are feeling like harming yourself, you will be escorted to the mental health wing (or floor or building, whatever) and you have to stay for at least 72 hours. You get counseling and your medication will be reviewed. I really hope you have something similar. Life changes like the sky, so watch for when the clouds in your life clear, because they will.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I'm so sorry to read this, you're one on here who has so much good advice for others. I can so understand those thoughts, I'm surprised I'm still here tbh, I really hope you get to see someone soon , sending love x

Thank you love, I think everyone here gives good advice because we’re not judgmental or freaked out by what people go through. I’m so so sorry you know what it’s like. Sending love to you too, and thank you so much for your kind words, I really hope you’re doing ok x

Are there any MH phone services available near you? An emergency room or hospital? I think it would be good for you to talk to a professional and I don’t know how to push you to the front of the line so you don’t have to wait.
I know that here in the US, if you say you are feeling like harming yourself, you will be escorted to the mental health wing (or floor or building, whatever) and you have to stay for at least 72 hours. You get counseling and your medication will be reviewed. I really hope you have something similar. Life changes like the sky, so watch for when the clouds in your life clear, because they will.

There are yes, and in theory that would be what I’d do. I’ve been though this before and I called the emergency line for the MH hospital because I was terrifed I was going to hurt myself. But the guy on the phone said that they couldn’t see me since I was already on a waiting list.
I think here in the uk, mental health services are already so stretched that they can only deal with so much, and luckily for me it’s “just” thoughts and not actions.

BUT I don’t want my experience to put anyone else off of seeking help. I was just unlucky that day.

Thank you for your sweet words @Silverplume you’re so right, and I will try to remember that x

 

[Maid22]

Thank you love, I think everyone here gives good advice because we’re not judgmental or freaked out by what people go through. I’m so so sorry you know what it’s like. Sending love to you too, and thank you so much for your kind words, I really hope you’re doing ok x


There are yes, and in theory that would be what I’d do. I’ve been though this before and I called the emergency line for the MH hospital because I was terrifed I was going to hurt myself. But the guy on the phone said that they couldn’t see me since I was already on a waiting list.
I think here in the uk, mental health services are already so stretched that they can only deal with so much, and luckily for me it’s “just” thoughts and not actions.

BUT I don’t want my experience to put anyone else off of seeking help. I was just unlucky that day.

Thank you for your sweet words @Silverplume you’re so right, and I will try to remember that x

Bless you asking how others are, I'm ok, was worried about you, mh services here are crap, I know this is an anonymous forum, but please keep in touch x

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Bless you asking how others are, I'm ok, was worried about you, mh services here are crap, I know this is an anonymous forum, but please keep in touch x

Omg please don’t worry I’ve had these thoughts since 2018, it’s got to the point where I don‘t know if I’m over-reacting or under-reacting. I will be fine, I was just so gutted when they said it could be 6 months before I see someone, like there’s only so much a person can take you know? I will keep in touch though, thank you for being so sweet x

 

[Maid22]

@Silverplume am being a nosey bugger, but are you in USA, how do they deal with mh problems there?
In my experience here, it's crap, I've slipped through the cracks, just get a repeat prescription of ads, if I want CBT, my Dr gave me a an envelope with an address for me to contact, waiting list is months, as for counselling, have to pay, I haven't the money tbh and I wouldn't know where to start, so would cost alot! That's why I've ended up the way I am, apart from my other oh, I really have have no one.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

@Maid22 sorry to jump in, but it’s such a good question re, MH care in the USA. What you said about falling through the cracks really resonates with me, and I’m sure a lot of others here.

I think it really highlights how a lot of us are struggling even though we try to do the right things. Its just so horrible that you’ve ended up that way. It‘s inhumane how there’s basically a two-tier system of healthcare here.

I have always said that when (not “if”), I’m feeling better, I’m going to find out the source of the cuts to MH funding in the NHS, then find out who is campaigning about this in a useful way and do what I can to support them.

It‘s just so hit and miss. My GP is amazing, but she can only deal with MH so much before it gets passed to someone else.

So much depends on how the practitioner treats you. I’ve seen three different psychiatrists just because the clinic is short staffed. Two were so great. They got it. One psych I spoke to said “I know you’re here about your adhd but we really need to focus on your depression“, and I felt in such safe hands with him, but then the next appointment was with a different guy.

Spoiler: Me-rail, sorry

And that’s who I’m with now, and I feel like he doesn’t “get” it. I got taken off the care of the community MH team because I didn’t turn up to appointments, but that was because I didn’t care enough about myself to keep getting help, and I didn’t trust the guy. At my last appointment with him I told him I wanted to stop my depression and adhd medication, then didn’t turn up for the next check-in appointment. I know these people can’t be mind-readers, but looking back, I wish he could have seen that I was struggling and showing self-destructive behaviours.

 

[Maid22]

You are lucky with your gp, I hadn't seen mine for years, but I was so bad (nearly crashed when I was driving, anxiety attack) spent days in bed, physically couldn't function, my oh was so worried about me (had tried suicide years before) made me realise I needed help, first Dr was crap, prescribed Amitriptyline and told me to go to Waterstones and get a book on anxiety and depression!!!

 

[Sideboard Bob]

You are lucky with your gp, I hadn't seen mine for years, but I was so bad (nearly crashed when I was driving, anxiety attack) spent days in bed, physically couldn't function, my oh was so worried about me (had tried suicide years before) made me realise I needed help, first Dr was crap, prescribed Amitriptyline and told me to go to Waterstones and get a book on anxiety and depression!!!

Omg! What does it take for them to take you seriously?! Ugh I’m so so sorry. Thank duck your oh has your back, but they can only do so much. It’s devastating (I know that sounds dramatic but it really is), when they just fob you off and point you to a book.
I had a mental health professional give me print outs from a website when I explained my dark thoughts, I really tried to engage with it but it was all flowcharts about thoughts and reactions, and I was beyond that point, I just couldn’t take it in.

I know I am so lucky to have a good gp though, she is the first point of contact and although she can only do do much I know she takes it seriously, I just wish everyone was that lucky.

 

[Maid22]

@Sideboard Bob Thank you for that, but how are you now? Also, is that the lovely Debbie Harry your Avi?

 

[Sideboard Bob]

@Maid22 I’m ok thank you (genuinely I am), I can get though each day, I’ve got so used to feeling like this, it’s only sometimes it gets too much if that makes sense.

Yes! I love Ms Harry, not long after I joined tattle I realised I’d be spending a lot of time here so I chose a pretty avatar!

 

[Maid22]

I feel the same, am so glad for this thread, and talking to folks like you I feel so lonely alot, and insomnia doesn't help, has been worse since I lost my dog last September, I've had dogs all my life, but blimey, that one really got to me and he used to sleep next to me, I miss him soo much.
Debbie Harry was and still is stunning, am a rock music lover, but love Blondie music to!!

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I feel the same, am so glad for this thread, and talking to folks like you I feel so lonely alot, and insomnia doesn't help, has been worse since I lost my dog last September, I've had dogs all my life, but blimey, that one really got to me and he used to sleep next to me, I miss him soo much.
Debbie Harry was and still is stunning, am a rock music lover, but love Blondie music to!!

It really does help a bit doesn’t it. But again, I’m so sorry you know what it’s like. I’m so so sorry for the loss of your sweet dog, that’s so sad. No wonder you miss him, he sounds like such a comforting presence. I lost a pet I love so much in 2020 and I’ve never got over it. He was my little soulmate and not everyone understands the loss of a pet, so it’s hard to grieve x

I love how Blondie’s music appeals to fans of so many different genres, they’re iconic, and I totally agree, Debbie Harry is still so stunning.

 

[Maid22]

Am sorry you lost a beloved pet too, it's really hard, I do have another dog, which I'm glad I have, but I've never been so upset (that includes all my pets and my only one close family member) over my little boy, I'd give everything to have him back.
Still can't sleep, got a few decisions to make tomorrow, shall go listen to some pink Floyd!! Thanks for the chat @Sideboard Bob, take care x

 

[Silverplume]

@Silverplume am being a nosey bugger, but are you in USA, how do they deal with mh problems there?
In my experience here, it's crap, I've slipped through the cracks, just get a repeat prescription of ads, if I want CBT, my Dr gave me a an envelope with an address for me to contact, waiting list is months, as for counselling, have to pay, I haven't the money tbh and I wouldn't know where to start, so would cost alot! That's why I've ended up the way I am, apart from my other oh, I really have have no one.

I am in the US, and here we have a messy system of private health insurance (some through employers, like I have, and we pay hundreds of $$ in monthly premiums) and social/welfare benefits for low income folks. There also are many charitable organizations that offer various types of help.
It takes time to find the right kind/s of help, and also the right kind/amount of meds. It takes money you might rather spend on (insert Desired Thing here), but it’s money you have to spend on your mental health. I have “great” health insurance that has stopped covering a med I really need, and it costs $600/month. NOT happy about that!! Hopefully my doctors will prevail in convincing my insurance company to cover the med and that a similar version is not going to do the job. I don’t want to pay so much, it’s not sustainable, it’s not fair, and it’s causing me stress. But for now, it’s money I have to spend on my body, instead of new clothes or a vacation.
I’m happy to answer your questions, you aren’t any sort of booger. I hope you keep trying, keep asking, and that you find the right kind of help.

I’m sorry you both have lost beloved pets recently, on top of the rest of troubles. It’s super-difficult, I know.
We’re currently enjoying our sixth and seventh hounds. My husband swears no more after these two, but if he sticks to that position he’s been warned I will just kill him and get another dog before the funeral.

My partner and I have been talking about what will best suit our relationship going forward (especially with my MH), and I think we’re taking the approach of I will be more of a homebody and work part time. I think this’ll work best for us, especially me as an individual. I get really overwhelmed juggling full time work and maintaining a house.


Does anyone else find this helped them?

I’m currently preparing to leave full-time work to ease my stress. I, too, am overwhelmed by too many responsibilities and need to cut back.

I have high hopes that it will work for me and for you, too!

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Am sorry you lost a beloved pet too, it's really hard, I do have another dog, which I'm glad I have, but I've never been so upset (that includes all my pets and my only one close family member) over my little boy, I'd give everything to have him back.
Still can't sleep, got a few decisions to make tomorrow, shall go listen to some pink Floyd!! Thanks for the chat @Sideboard Bob, take care x

Aww I totally understand. I do have another pet who I love just as much, and I’m so grateful. I guess you have to just keep them in your memory, then they’re always there. I really hope you got a good sleep in the end. Thank you too. I couldn’t find the words last night, but your kindness and understanding means the world to me x

 

[Maid22]

Aww I totally understand. I do have another pet who I love just as much, and I’m so grateful. I guess you have to just keep them in your memory, then they’re always there. I really hope you got a good sleep in the end. Thank you too. I couldn’t find the words last night, but your kindness and understanding means the world to me x

Thank you too, I managed an hours sleep, would love to be able to have a proper nights sleep, really doesn't help my mh issues.
Hope you're feeling better today? I really enjoyed chatting to you last night, makes me feel that I'm not alone, if that makes sense?

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Thank you too, I managed an hours sleep, would love to be able to have a proper nights sleep, really doesn't help my mh issues.
Hope you're feeling better today? I really enjoyed chatting to you last night, makes me feel that I'm not alone, if that makes sense?

Oh my gosh, that’s hard-going. I really hope you can take it easy day, getting by on just one hours sleep is SO hard, physically and mentally. I had a really bad period of insomnia years ago, and the only thing that helped in the end was Tesco’s own version of Nytol, but I know different things work for different people.

I am thank you, I’m lucky it’s the weekend and I can just hide from the world. I know that’s not very helpful to do, but hey.
I enjoyed it too, and yes, that totally makes sense. It’s such a cruel effect of MH problems, that even when you rationally know otherwise, you feel so alone. Chatting about it in a honest way helps me realise I’m just a normal person who’s unwell at the moment.

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

Hi everyone. First of all I just echo what everyone has said - thank goodness for this forum! Tattle generally and this thread have really got through some tough times. I hope everyone is OK-ish today?

I’m in a dark place, it was my birthday yesterday and I’m in my late 30s and freshly broken up, never thought I’d be single at this age and I miss my ex so much I feel like I’m dying. Even though my friends were lovely and tried to make it special, I just want to cry all the time because I’m so lonely and the pain of missing him is unbearable.

I’m hoping beyond hope that the sertraline I’ve started kicks in soon, as I’ve said on that thread. I just feel like an absolute failure and I’m being so horrible to myself but it’s hard to stop. It’s like part of me is constantly saying “you’re alone, you don’t have a family, you’ve failed, it’ll never happen, you have to go home alone, you’ve lost”. Luckily I’m back at the GP on Wednesday so I’m just hanging in there for that.

I also agree with what others have said about how frustrating it is to have to struggle so much, spend so much, and try so hard just to be at the same baseline of ‘normal’ mental health. I’m sure anyone with any kind of illness feels the same but god it’s hard.