The Depression Thread #3

[ATV2021]

This will potentially be complete waffle. I tried to journal and that was waffle. Friends do not get it. I have tried talking therapy, CBT, hypno, meditation, exercise, medication...everything. Will try to nutshell.

Short back story...Mum (only parent) died and I lost my home due to it. This is a recurring anxiety thought.

I am in a career I hate. But I am trapped. I cannot not earn what I do now. Or I'd lose my home (see above). I have no family I could go to if it went tits up. I changed teams, made no difference. Last year I completely burnt out and on my return there was 0 support.

As Robbie Williams once sung - I dont wanna die, but I'm not keen on living either. That's how I feel. I don't want to die. But I also can't imagine this life until retirement. I search indeed...I can't afford to retrain elsewhere. Careers advice service only give advice if you know what you want to do...if I knew that I could find out access routes myself thanks.

I have tried SO hard to be positive and manifest. But when the black dog and anxiety fire take told there isn't much reasoning. Nobody in my life would have a giraffe this was all in my head. I'm a very good fronter. My job is absorbing trauma every day. Helping people. Supposed to be "Ikigai". Definitely isnt. I haven't even a clue of the purpose of my post but I just needed to blah my head.

 

[tinklypom]

Can I join? I’ve literally never felt so low and I don’t know where to turn.

 

[Littleelf]

I had no idea there was a thread...I've suffered with depression for my whole adult life. Going through a very rough patch at the moment with no light at the end of the tunnel

 

[Jadejones9596]

Hi all,

apologies to blurt this all out but I’m completely done and I don’t know where to turn

I joined a new job 4 months ago after being bullied and isolated by my last employer. At first it was great but there are 2 people on my team who actually refuse to talk to me and dislike me for reasons I am unable to fathom.
I have depression and this turn in events has caused me to spiral again to the point that I just don’t want to be here anymore.

I’m single too have been for years and desperately want a relationship but cannot handle the pain and rejection to put myself out there right now

I’m just so deeply unhappy and don’t want to be here anymore. I’m on my 6th choice of antidepressant and have been referred to a well-being service to be on the waiting list for a well-being practitioner but i just don’t think I can carry on that long.

I don’t know what to do
Sorry to rant Xx

 

[bitterntwisted]

I've had this sense of dread or feeling like someone has died and I end up in a flood of tears. There is absolutely no precipitant or trigger for it, it just happens. I am completely fine as I can be one minute and then my mood just plummets and I have to wait it out. This just sucks.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Hey, hope everyone is doing ok and you’re being kind to yourselves.

I haven’t posted here for ages, I forget it’s here half the time which is a shame because it’s such a safe space that has helped so much.

I wanted to share my recent experience if that’s ok. I’ve struggled with depression for a long time and as a bit of back story, I’ve had a difficult few years, feeling sad and fretting over my son’s autism but for about 10 months, it’s been worse than ever. What in the love of all things holy have women done to deserve the perimenopause?! I’m going to pop the rest under a spoiler just so it can be avoided. Love to you all

Spoiler: Perimenopause and thoughts of suicide

I first thought something was going on when I felt a red hot rage spark up from nowhere as it’s not like me. But there was also tears and low lows so I phoned the Dr for advice, because of my history of depression and she said HRT wasn’t the only option when I hadn’t even asked for it. I did get a blood test and no hormone changes were detected (which is apparently common) so I took a vitamin a day and gloried on.

Things got really bad for me, to the point that at least once a day, I would think I and everyone in my life would be better off if I wasn’t here. Sometimes it plagued me for days and I even made a plan to do it. The plan was something I hadn’t experienced before.

I joined a couple of online groups and made the decision to pay to speak to a specialist Doctor about the symptoms. She asked me a load of questions and the score was high for the perimenopause so she said she’d recommend HRT patches (less risk than tablets apparently) and said if I wanted her to, she could write me a private prescription that she’d send to me or I could wait for her to write to my GP and they’d prescribe it. I could have came out the other end of the menopause in the time the GP took so I got it from her. The prescription was £18 and it was money well spent.

I have a half a patch of one kind on a Monday then change to the other half on a Thursday for two weeks then a second patch following the same pattern. It’s made such a huge difference!

I have been being looked after by a Psychiatrist and I made a decision to stop having ‘check in’ appointments with him. He kept ramping up my anti-depressants (Amitriptylene) but when I said I thought I’d feel better about things outwith my control and he said he wouldn’t expect me to…I struggle with my mum experience being solely around autism and I admitted that while I have a good support network of mums in the same boat, they all have children who are neurotypical too so I feel different. His advice? Have another baby! I’m in my early 40s and that’s quite a radical approach…

I have a stressful job and he told me I have to learn to be resilient and if I can’t deal with the autism and my job, I should quit my job. I am not adverse a dose of reality or home truths but I found the lead up to the appointments stressful wondering what he was going to say. So while I feel a bit vulnerable (without a medical professional to speak to), I don’t feel totally worse off.


I know HRT isn’t for everyone and it has its risks, but for me it’s helping so much. My son is changing all the time and it’s allowing me to see him clearly and not focus on what he can’t do or worry about the future - just see him for the amazing wee boy he is. It’s a day at a time (like everything in life is for me. Well no, that’s a lie actually! I strive for that but I’m wayyyy off the mark a lot of the time )

 

[FlipFlop0706]

Hi everyone,
Depression and anxiety are kicking my arse at the moment. Had it for a few years now but never felt this low. Tried antidepressants (sertraline) and they didn’t work even though we kept upping the dosage. I noticed no change apart from just being numb to everything which I hated. Came off them.

Tried CBT, didn’t find that useful as basically felt incredibly patronised and infantilised. The only thing that did stick with me was “would someone who cares about you say what you think about yourself to you?” I recently had an argument with my mum and basically everything negative that I think about myself, she said directly to my face and even told me she pretends to like me so that’s just demolished any bit of self esteem I had left. She was the one person I thought I could trust and now I just feel sick that she thinks so little of me.

I’m just existing and I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t really want to try any antidepressants again. Everything I have read says exercise is good for depression, has anyone noticed any improvements getting out and about and exercising if they have depression? The thought of it is exhausting but I just need to feel like I’m doing something to lift this cloud.

 

[pecan]

I haven’t posted in this topic since January. Hope everyone is doing okay, or as okay as they can be

Spoiler: Personal Ramble / Vent

I’ll preface this with the warning that I just need to vent, so it might get a bit rambly. I hope it’s okay to vent here. I’ve had a big knock today and I just don’t know where to turn as I’ve no friends to speak to. My partner and I are getting served with a section 13 rent increase notice. April next year it will be going up to £1,000 per month. When I read the email I went into such a spin that I ended up . What’s worse is that the flat we live in is in such a horrible, deprived area. The other residents in the flat block are awful. Last year we went through 9 months of hell with a neighbour until they were finally evicted by bailiffs. Now we’re having problems with someone else living below us. I’m back to getting no sleep / having anxiety attacks. Yet they can still charge so much because of the base rental value for the wider area.

I suppose the ‘saving grace’ is that we’ve got a little while to try and assess our options. I am sensing an extremely stressful 6 or so months ahead and I don’t know how I’m going to cope. My MH has been so bad that I had to stop working, but I don’t qualify for any financial support so it’s looking like I will have to really push myself to just get any work I can. I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do. Have been considering going back on Mirtazapine but they turn me into such a zombie, when I was on them in lockdown following a trauma I could barely function until midday. Urgh. I don’t know what to do.

 

[Beckz1205]

I’ve been doing really well with my mental health lately (I was in a bad way after covid and somehow managed to turn things around) however recently my nan has been diagnosed with lung cancer which has spread. Surprising atm I’m doing ok, but I do feel like I’m on autopilot. I’m petrified when things start to get tough I’m not going to be able to cope. My nan practically raised me so we are extremely close and I just can’t imagine life without her around. Everything is still in the early stages and her cancer cannot be treated and I just don’t think I’m going to be strong enough as things progress.

 

[VeryNiceVeryEVIL]

I really hate this time of year.

Everyone is SO excited about Christmas whereas I'm terrified about the future.

I have a wife who I love more than anything in the world and she loves me and she truly couldn't be a better wife if she tried. She's my true other half. The other half of my heart.

I can't help but feel like I don't deserve her though.

My depression has really ramped up in the last few months.

Our dog daughter was very unwell for the last 3 months and unfortunately has now died and I feel like it's made me go into a huge slump losing her.

I just want to feel like I have a future but right now I don't at all.

I'm currently undergoing some health tests so that doesn't help but I'm so mentally fucked and exhausted right now.

Life is an odd one.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I loathe all this idea about manifesting and your thoughts are creating your future. It's a terrible idea for people who no fault if their own that have a brain which "manifests" deep depression. The idea that you can think your way out of mental illness is so damaging. Not only that, the only people who really benefit are the bullshit gurus who say "go within" but pay me first. Who needs that added pressure and crushing guilt on their already stressed brain. Just my opinion obviously.
---
Also if you're in a job where your co workers are bullies or create atmospheres then it's impossible to enjoy any job unless you're a bully too.

 

[flutternutter]

Hope everyone is ok. Its shit reading so many similar feelings. Im in the zone of 1st anniversaries of something which made me very unwell mentally, and I've taken to my bed a lot.
People dont really understand it, even my husband who has his own mental health struggles. He thinks its laziness and i have loads of things i could be doing but im paralysed when it comes to effort. I know what I need to do to sort myself out but doing it...

If im honest with myself I've probably gone from having a mental breakdown straight into burnout at work. I have so many regrets about the last 12 months. Its just been total hell

 

[Good Egg]

My depression has reared its ugly head this week again. I can go weeks feeling fine, being OK and then dip. I’m in the down phase, if you saw me on Monday I was manic. I don’t feel like other people. I don’t feel normal. I can’t explain it but I feel like an outsider not fitting in and looking above myself spectating. It’s very odd. I’m my own worst critic and never feel good enough.
I’m not really living life. It’s all such a waste. I wake up and instantly want to go back to bed. I feel my best years are over and there is nothing left for me, nothing to look forward to.

I have a narc mother in my life who controls the narrative, my life, puts me down. Life isn’t fun with her on my shoulder.

I have a crush on a much older man which isn’t appropriate as he’s in a professional position. But I can’t stop thinking about our conversations and interactions and my goodness he’s easy on the eye. (He is single I checked his SM which I’m ashamed of). We had a connection. He’s a very interesting person. After our first meeting I felt a connection - I’m not sure what it is or was but I felt something. It was so odd. I brushed it aside until we met again last week...

Not that I’d act on it because why would someone be interested in me? It’s made me question a lot of deep thoughts, like what is wrong with me? Why a much older man? Because I want to feel safe? To be looked after? Why am I feeling this way. Because I’m lonely and sad about life?

In all honesty I just want someone on the same page as me who wants to go to a art gallery, go out for breakfast and coffee, expand our mind have interesting conversation and this guy seems like a perfect fit. I have never had a ‘crush’ before but yeah even at forty i was shocked and blew over by him. What is it? Why does it happen?

So yeah I feel stupid for feeling this way. Now I’m back in the spiral of depression... feeling not worthy of love, life and all those things I yearn. Questioning this ‘crush’ I feel like an idiot.

 

[ATV2021]

@ATV2021 I get where you are coming from. Society tells you to do a job you love and you will never work a day in your life. It's such bullshit. Most people don't like what they do for a living; it is a means to an end. I'm not happy with what I am dong for a living, if you can call it that. I've been doing a job working from home before it was thing with COVID. It worked for me because I needed the money. I wasn't finding any work outside of home after I was laid off (and other crap that happened at the same time, when it rains it pours) and was going into my umpteenth bout of depression as a result. Some days I can get on with it, but if I am left to think about things, I feel like I am just existing. I hate living in a world that doesn't allow people to check out when they want, without going broke.

There are so many "manifesting" and "coaches" around now who say decide what you want to do and take action. What if you don't know (like I don't?) It adds pressure, and what I want to do, is take about a year out to do absolutely nothing and repair my MH but as you said, the world doesn't allow checking out without going broke. "Money is just energy, there is unlimited amounts", great but where is it then? All I see is me, solo, one salary, and bills flying up (including my tax doubling this month thanks to a "bonus" pushing me upwards). Applied for a very different job in a different sector - one I have more than enough skills for but the title is different so I got a "impressed with your qualifications but going with experience". Well find out what I actually do and you'll see I'm probably more experienced than those who've held the actual title. Just feel trapped as can't take a paycut to retrain anywhere else. And so the spiral continues

 

[mochibean]

I keep thinking I'm okay then it hits me like a ton of bricks again. This past week I've been so depressed to the point of severe physical exhaustion. I'm not even sad I'm just so exhausted with life atm and I'm barely even doing anything. Outside of work I just lay in bed scrolling on my phone, I have so many things I want to do but I just can't do them. No matter how much I think and dream about doing the thing I'm just finding it impossible atm.

I'm just super burnt out and depressed and it sucks. I can't wait for it to go away..

 

[Underhiseye]

Not been on here in a while, hope everyone’s as ok as they can be. I’ve had a period of good mental health which I’m grateful for but the depression has reared its ugly head again over the past few weeks. I only realised today when it occurred to me I hadn’t sang in the car for a while.
I think I’m just overwhelmed with life and my brains response is to cut off all my serotonin. Don’t really know how to make it better though. Work is a lot at the moment, but I love my job and it won’t be too much forever, it’s just a busy time of year. I’m doing a college course which will help my career but everyone expects me to smash it because I’ve always been academically smart and I’m an over achiever but honestly trying to do college whilst working full time is hard. My social life is busy but I just can’t enjoy it at the moment. And I go to the gym 4-5 times a week to help my mental health but that is also increasing my level of overwhelmed-ness. Dunno why I’m writing all this just wanted to vent and hopefully feel like a weights been lifted.

 

[ariawyn]

Been feeling rough all week. I did a lot of work last month, and then I tried to replicate it at the start of this one and I think I just pushed myself too far and my brain said no and enforced a rest - so I’m not capable of much beyond watching TV and reading this week. And I get it, technically speaking I’ve earned the rest, but whenever I do, I feel so guilty about it that it doesn’t even feel like a real rest - so then I try to get back into pushing myself and instantly feel worse.

I think I’m gonna set an actual day where I say to myself “I can take it easy until Monday” or whatever, and then I can actually enjoy the rest instead of worrying about how long this bad spell will last and trying to drag myself out of it too early, because that ends up being counterproductive every time.

I’m new to this thread but I’m glad I found it tonight — I’m sorry you guys know what this is like (and that plenty of you might not even have the option to just take it easy), but I’m glad I found you

 

[Dogtanian]

I'm feeling better I think. I feel like I'm feeling better anyway. I don't seem to dwell on the downsides, second guess myself or dwell on what could have been if I'd made different decisions. I think the weather changing has also helped and maybe the early wet spring will make way for warmer and drier weather.
Unfortunately I've put on a crap load of weight with the Mirtazipine but such is life. I'm trying to control my appetite and get some weight lost now.

 

[aac_124]

Hey everyone I’m new to this thread so apologies but for the past 2 years I’ve really been struggling with depression and anxiety spending 6 weeks in a psychiatric hospital but I’m starting to feel things getting bad again, I’m just very scared

 

[LaBlonde]

sorry for posting here as it’s technically about my ocd and not my depression but i cannot find an active ocd thread and just wanted to get this out there somewhere.

i posted here a few times about my contamination ocd and, in particular, how this manifests into a deep obsession with bed bugs (don’t ask). i’ve just seen there’s some kind of infestation in paris right now and have convinced myself that i will inevitably catch them on a trip to london i have at the end of the month.

i’m really looking forward to this trip because it’s with a friend i haven’t seen for a while and who i love hanging out with but i am two seconds away from telling her i want to cancel and covering all of our costs because i now just don’t want to go. for the most ridiculous reason. but i know i will spend the whole time convincing myself that i have caught the bugs from our hotel and so brought them home with me (and all of november will then be spent obsessing over this). i can’t bring myself to cancel but i desperately want to.

ocd, man. fun times!