Throw on your favorite knitted scarf from nanna, dust off your Spode and add a splash of Pepto Bismal to the Earl Grey (you’ll thank me later), It’s time for Cadeaux at the Shat-a-loo!
Stephanie would like to remind you that if you watch Cadeaux, that we, the viewers, are complicit in the exploitation of underprivledged, potential fashion students in South Africa for views and ad sense monies. (Well maybe not in so many words, but we’ll get to that later). This has been a service announcement from the High Supreme Ruler of the LaLande Philanthropist’s Society. Back to our regular programming...
We are joined by a new hostage...I mean volunteer, Jenny the Peacock Lady. She‘s there for a couple weeks to help with the gardening. Mummy must have summoned her using the ‘old bat’ signal. Stiffaknee explains why they are sitting so far apart. And guess what, it was because of that all so necessary Bourges trip, you know, the one everyone could have lived without. Does this mean I have to socially distance from my husband every time he goes to work? If so, challenge accepted! Bring on the presents Stephanee! I’m chomping at the bit to see what joy you’ll be filled with today...
Oh wait, we’re not doing that yet? No we are not. Do you remember when I said we are complicit with exploiting young students in SA if you’re a viewer of Cadeaux? Well, you’re about to find out why. Through an, ahem interesting, partnership (one based on lies, flattery, the gifting of thrice worn yellow dress, and cross promotion) between Villian-otti Fashion Institute, and Lalalande ”philanthropists” Isabel, Percy, and Stephie, (and viewers like you), a scholarship has been made using funds from Cadeaux ad sense. Funny, I don’t remember having a say in this, do you? We are introduced to a lovely young applicant, who’s life will be changed if she receives the scholarship. She’s well spoken, loves fashion, and her goal is to achieve her dreams, and would really like to take her grandmother to a buffet for meat if she’s able to be successful, as they have been living off of rice and vegetables. I’ll refer you to the video, if you’d like to watch, that’s when the Pepto Bismal will come in handy...
The lovely applicant, her grandmother, Spero, the teachers, and Percy and Isabel (on Zoom) are all in a room. They make her plead her case to the crowd this time, while recording yet again. Spero gets a surprise call from Scholarship Stephanie and she announces to the girl and her grandmother that she’s the winner. In a golden buzzer moment, confetti shoots out, (you couldn’t make this stuff up!) and her grandmother is awarded a gift voucher to buy some meat. After watching this exploitation for views, from both parties, I had an overwhelming sense of ickiness. Bonus points if you figure out which movie that line is from. When did charity become a play for views? Do you record yourself donating to a food bank? Volunteering at a shelter? Giving a homeless person change or a dollar? Of course not, because you’re not a lunatic! In the world of the YouTubes, nothing is off limits! None of this needed to be recorded, it should have been arranged privately...
After Grandma was being given the voucher for meat, we juxtapose to Nati opening a huge box of food. They flash around a bunch of sweets, all smiles, and giggles as they clutch them to their bosom. I’m feeling sick at how sociopathic this all feels. I’m going to fast forward you through the rest, because you probably feel nauseous too.
More sweets, more scarves, broken St. Joseph statue for the chapel (fixed by Philip), silicone molds of peacocks and hedgehogs. Nati sitting so close to Peacock Lady, she’s practically in her lap. I guess social distancing didn’t apply to Nati, she went MIA in the Bourges Cathedral anyway, so who cares. Nati and Peacock Lady make chocolates in the molds. Tea, biscuits, you know the drill.
Congratulations to the winner. To the rest of the dog and pony show, you can bugger right off! I’ll never watch another Cadeaux again, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me today. I will no longer be complicit in the Villian-otti Fashion Institute Hunger Games, sponsored by Cadeaux at the Chateau.
Now I will escort myself out to wash this filth off me, maybe watch a few cat videos, reruns of The Office and return to my happy place, I suggest you all do the same.