The advice thread for random problems

[watermelon sugar]

Hi all just want to know if you think I'm overthinking and to forget it or whether my idea is a good one or too much!

Short version: I accidently woke up my friends toddler and he then took forever to go back to sleep meaning his dad missed dinner so I was going to get a voucher for just eat or something so he can have a hot dinner

Long version: I was going round my sisters best friend's house last night to plan her hen do. Another friend was joining us.

I went to my mums beforehand as she lives 10 mins away from sisters BF and it made sense for me to kill 2 birds as it were and not have to go home between working in the office etc. She was winding me up, as she often does, by being a bit of a mug in regards to my sister and she had had a drink which is never good with her.

Anyway I ended up leaving hers to avoid an argument. I had in my head we were meeting at 7 so left at 6:45 got there about 6:55 sat in the car replying to some texts and then rang the doorbell at bang on 7.

This is when I then realise I might have made a mistake. The dog starts barking and then I hear the toddler yell.

BFs husband invites me in. I sit down and he goes up to help with said toddler and swap with BF. On the cross over on the stairs I hear BF say he had just gone off but is awake now

BF comes down and we have a hug and a chat. BF then says other friend is on their way and I realise my error.

We were meant to be meeting at 7:15 not 7. I profusely apologise and BF said it's OK I'm used to your sister (who I have ranted about previously as she is always 30 mins early at least) I said noooooo I just got my times wrong.

When other friend arrives at the right time, they have kids and obvs know not to ring the doorbell!!!! So as they was expecting her at 7:15 the door was ajar ready for her to just walk in

So basically toddler doesn't end up going to sleep until nearly 9pm! And dad missed dinner with us and basically had to eat his pizza cold

My husband was like well BF should have said don't ring the doorbell. I said I shouldn't have been 15 mins early.

Anyway, well done if you have made it this far!!! I was thinking of sending them like £10/£15 just eat voucher or similar with a note apologising and saying treat yourself to some hot pizza?

Am I overthinking and should just leave it? And the voucher is a bit much? Or is that a nice gesture when I woke their kid up? Or will they think "oh dear child free idiot thinks this one bad night was her fault, how silly of her"

it’s an easy mistake to make, toddlers wake up allllll the time and take ages going back to sleep so they should have been more careful. I think an apology is just necessary but if you feel better giving them the gift card then you should. But I don’t think its needed

 

[Pinhead Larry]

Ok so I’m assuming advice on anything and this is a long one but… I want advice and opinions.

So I was talking to a guy for 5 years in the middle of those 5 years we were friends with benefits for two years. Due to work schedules (he works away during half term and then works at a school) we found it very hard to meet up but we spoke everyday got really close I think we both didn’t expect to get as close as we did.

Anyway, he told me he had a girlfriend which I was perfectly fine with because during the years we spoke and he got with someone we didn’t do anything just talked because we have similar hobbies he always tried to break boundaries and it’s hard to describe but vibe from messages would change when he got a girlfriend but this time it was odd nothing changed. So I questioned him having a girlfriend because it just didn’t seem like he had one. He would be really sexual with me I found him on socials (we only had each other on Snapchat and WhatsApp) and nothing to say he was in a relationship. To be fair everything he told me was always the truth and this was just before lockdown.

Fast forward to lockdown, we got more close. We never said “I love you” but we had our own phase to each other equivalent to it and nicknames too each other. He was very open to me and kept being the one mentioning meeting up but then mid way through convo he like “oh we can’t because I have a girlfriend” “I can’t give you want you want… you want a relationship but I have a girlfriend” I always told me I don’t want a relationship with him, well I did at the start when me and him started getting close both single but I told him why would I if hes like this with his girlfriend?

So during lockdown he messaged me and basically told me he cheated on his girlfriend with another man who they work with. He previously told me he had a gay experience and both times he said he’s more worried over my reaction then his girlfriends. I don’t understand why but . Anyway he was telling me he was watching porn then the guy FaceTimed him while they both jerked off and he felt like “a see you next Tuesday” and asked me what he should do I told him tell the girlfriend.

Since he got with this “girlfriend” he kept telling me he’s confused. He even messaged me right after seeing her (they’re long distance) that all he could think about was me and my body and when he sleeps with her he thinks of me. He’s even FaceTimed me jerking off and mouthing he loves me blowing me kisses and saying he wishes I was his girlfriend.

I ended up finding the girlfriend they ended up having each other as there profile pics on Facebook and told her. It didn’t go down well with her and he didn’t seem to bothered over it. I seen all this coming.
I know I did the right thing but I do feel bad a betrayed someone who I really care about and basically trusted me by being so open to me and “grassing” their sexuality to someone and that I may possibly hurt someone I have strong feelings for.

But I just can’t help question was mine and his bond was all a lie? How can someone be so open and honest with you when all along the chemistry/bond wasn’t even true? Why have someone in your life for so long to string them along. To be honest I expected this too happen long ago anyway so it’s not like it come to a surprise. I’m more surprised I’ve not heard from him in 18 months I don’t want to but I can’t help question what the hell we had

To be completely honest with you. This was probably nothing emotional to him. He didn't want to be with you because if he did he wouldn't have been actively getting in relationships with different people, it'd have been you. He found someone willing to accommodate him cheating on his girlfriend in you.

I think it'd be good for you to put this behind you and work on self respect and boundaries, because you acknowledge he's cheated when he's carried on with this man, but he's done the same and more with you and you seem to think that is fine? Block them all, forget them all, just leave them alone and move on from it. I get this will be harder for you if you felt you had a connection but it isn't a healthy situation at all.

I don't agree at all with the way he has been with the girlfriend, but taking the right to come out from someone because you feel hurt is horrible.

 

[Blondeangel2515]

To be completely honest with you. This was probably nothing emotional to him. He didn't want to be with you because if he did he wouldn't have been actively getting in relationships with different people, it'd have been you. He found someone willing to accommodate him cheating on his girlfriend in you.

I think it'd be good for you to put this behind you and work on self respect and boundaries, because you acknowledge he's cheated when he's carried on with this man, but he's done the same and more with you and you seem to think that is fine? Block them all, forget them all, just leave them alone and move on from it. I get this will be harder for you if you felt you had a connection but it isn't a healthy situation at all.

I don't agree at all with the way he has been with the girlfriend, but taking the right to come out from someone because you feel hurt is horrible.

I didn’t think it was right to cheat I told him I’m fully against cheating after seeing someone close in family doing it. That’s why when I managed to find his girlfriend I immediately told her. I didn’t tell her about him cheating on her with a guy out of spite I felt she had the right too know especially when he did it more than once behind her back and from research it was with someone they both work with otherwise I wouldn’t of told her about him being into guy stuff.

 

[Magee]

I’ve been in a new job for 9 months, I was employed on a full time basis, with a dual role (3 days doing one thing, 2 another). It still hasn’t materialised, so I work 5 days doing what I should be doing for 3. I don’t like what I’m doing. The company is a mess. The senior leaders lack direction. I’m told the two days will start mid-Sept.

I’ve seen two jobs come up I’m interested in. Apply by early Sept.

Do I stick it out or do I apply for other things?

 

[Fearne]

I’ve been in a new job for 9 months, I was employed on a full time basis, with a dual role (3 days doing one thing, 2 another). It still hasn’t materialised, so I work 5 days doing what I should be doing for 3. I don’t like what I’m doing. The company is a mess. The senior leaders lack direction. I’m told the two days will start mid-Sept.

I’ve seen two jobs come up I’m interested in. Apply by early Sept.

Do I stick it out or do I apply for other things?

Apply for the other things.

The haven't followed through from the start so why believe it will start mid September? Don't be miserable in a job you don't enjoy

 

[JoeBloggs]

Ok so I’m assuming advice on anything and this is a long one but… I want advice and opinions.

So I was talking to a guy for 5 years in the middle of those 5 years we were friends with benefits for two years. Due to work schedules (he works away during half term and then works at a school) we found it very hard to meet up but we spoke everyday got really close I think we both didn’t expect to get as close as we did.

Anyway, he told me he had a girlfriend which I was perfectly fine with because during the years we spoke and he got with someone we didn’t do anything just talked because we have similar hobbies he always tried to break boundaries and it’s hard to describe but vibe from messages would change when he got a girlfriend but this time it was odd nothing changed. So I questioned him having a girlfriend because it just didn’t seem like he had one. He would be really sexual with me I found him on socials (we only had each other on Snapchat and WhatsApp) and nothing to say he was in a relationship. To be fair everything he told me was always the truth and this was just before lockdown.

Fast forward to lockdown, we got more close. We never said “I love you” but we had our own phase to each other equivalent to it and nicknames too each other. He was very open to me and kept being the one mentioning meeting up but then mid way through convo he like “oh we can’t because I have a girlfriend” “I can’t give you want you want… you want a relationship but I have a girlfriend” I always told me I don’t want a relationship with him, well I did at the start when me and him started getting close both single but I told him why would I if hes like this with his girlfriend?

So during lockdown he messaged me and basically told me he cheated on his girlfriend with another man who they work with. He previously told me he had a gay experience and both times he said he’s more worried over my reaction then his girlfriends. I don’t understand why but . Anyway he was telling me he was watching porn then the guy FaceTimed him while they both jerked off and he felt like “a see you next Tuesday” and asked me what he should do I told him tell the girlfriend.

Since he got with this “girlfriend” he kept telling me he’s confused. He even messaged me right after seeing her (they’re long distance) that all he could think about was me and my body and when he sleeps with her he thinks of me. He’s even FaceTimed me jerking off and mouthing he loves me blowing me kisses and saying he wishes I was his girlfriend.

I ended up finding the girlfriend they ended up having each other as there profile pics on Facebook and told her. It didn’t go down well with her and he didn’t seem to bothered over it. I seen all this coming.
I know I did the right thing but I do feel bad a betrayed someone who I really care about and basically trusted me by being so open to me and “grassing” their sexuality to someone and that I may possibly hurt someone I have strong feelings for.

But I just can’t help question was mine and his bond was all a lie? How can someone be so open and honest with you when all along the chemistry/bond wasn’t even true? Why have someone in your life for so long to string them along. To be honest I expected this too happen long ago anyway so it’s not like it come to a surprise. I’m more surprised I’ve not heard from him in 18 months I don’t want to but I can’t help question what the hell we had

He had his cake and ate it. He got from you what he needed and I don’t think there is much more to it in afraid.

 

[Purrrrrrr]

I didn’t think it was right to cheat I told him I’m fully against cheating after seeing someone close in family doing it. That’s why when I managed to find his girlfriend I immediately told her. I didn’t tell her about him cheating on her with a guy out of spite I felt she had the right too know especially when he did it more than once behind her back and from research it was with someone they both work with otherwise I wouldn’t of told her about him being into guy stuff.

Its not your duty to tell, a stranger that they are being cheated on. Its pure revenge. As others have said, He got what he wanted from you, sex and a listening ear without any hassles and drawbacks.

 

[Blondeangel2515]

Its not your duty to tell, a stranger that they are being cheated on. Its pure revenge. As others have said, He got what he wanted from you, sex and a listening ear without any hassles and drawbacks.

How’s it revenge letting the girl know she’s being cheated on? I know if I was in her situation I would want to know what my partner is doing behind my back

 

[Purrrrrrr]

How’s it revenge letting the girl know she’s being cheated on? I know if I was in her situation I would want to know what my partner is doing behind my back

but she isn't you and you don't have that right to make the decision for her. I would say differently if you knew her and knew what her reactions would be etc.

 

[Blondeangel2515]

but she isn't you and you don't have that right to make the decision for her. I would say differently if you knew her and knew what her reactions would be etc.

I thing she had the right to know he’s doing this behind her back otherwise he’ll be doing it for years without her knowing. Especially when they live long distance for all I know he could be doing it too other girls also behind her back and their keeping there mouths shut. I rather follow girl code and tell her so she isn’t wasting her time then let a guy think it’s acceptable behaviour

 

[Mamacita]

but she isn't you and you don't have that right to make the decision for her. I would say differently if you knew her and knew what her reactions would be etc.

Nah she has the right to know. I definitely think telling her is the right thing to do

 

[Pinhead Larry]

I rather follow girl code and tell her so she isn’t wasting her time then let a guy think it’s acceptable behaviour

You should've followed girl code and not entertained him knowing he was in a relationship.

 

[Blondeangel2515]

You should've followed girl code and not entertained him knowing he was in a relationship.

As I said before I wasn’t sure if he was or not, he kept asking me what we where and it kept pointing to him not being in a relationship but once I found out I told her.

 

[HoGi]

Thanks all. I will save my tenner

As someone who is child free by choice um not hot on toddlers and doorbells.

My purse is happy you all think I'm over thinking it

 

[Fearne]

My friends Mum passed away yesterday. We're the type of friends who don't see each other often but are very close and can always rely on each other. Any of you have advise how to best help them? If you've been in that position what was the best thing someone helped with? I don't want to just say, here if you need anything, it can be hard to reach out when needed.

 

[WilmaHun]

My friends Mum passed away yesterday. We're the type of friends who don't see each other often but are very close and can always rely on each other. Any of you have advise how to best help them? If you've been in that position what was the best thing someone helped with? I don't want to just say, here if you need anything, it can be hard to reach out when needed.

My friend very suddenly lost her Mum earlier in the year and like you I was really unsure of what I could do to help. Someone suggested to me that because she'll be so consumed in the grief and shock of it all she might not be eating properly, and said I could try taking some food round to her. I made a shepherds pie and took it round to her with a bunch of flowers and she was so grateful as she said she'd been struggling to get the motivation to cook for herself and her little boy. Perhaps you could do that? Shows you are thinking of them and want to help.

 

[JoeBloggs]

My friends Mum passed away yesterday. We're the type of friends who don't see each other often but are very close and can always rely on each other. Any of you have advise how to best help them? If you've been in that position what was the best thing someone helped with? I don't want to just say, here if you need anything, it can be hard to reach out when needed.

It’s the mundane things that become erelevant when your consumed by grief. A shop, a dinner, maybe off to clean or do some washing. Things that will allow her to focus on herself and I suspect the funeral arrangements. If she’s alone, perhaps offer to go with her to the funeral directors etc.

 

[Justhereforthebantslll]

Just looking for some advice as I’m not sure what to do or how to go about this situation. My friends in RL are split pretty 50/50 so I’m taking it to the Internet

So last night one of our family cats died. I have three children (6 - just turned 6 today, 8&10) as you can imagine we are all devastated.

The vets have said we can have her cremated and she stay with them. Or we can pay a little bit extra and bring her ashes home. I can’t work out how to handle this situation, weather it’s better to give the cat some form of send off. Allow the children to say their goodbyes etc. Or let the vets deal with the cat and leave the kids to heal in their own space and time. Today they seem much more chipper however, I think that may be because it’s my youngest birthday and We are out celebrating. I don’t want to keep bringing it up and hurting them all over again but also don’t want them to feel robbed off saying goodbye.

 

[Purrrrrrr]

Just looking for some advice as I’m not sure what to do or how to go about this situation. My friends in RL are split pretty 50/50 so I’m taking it to the Internet

So last night one of our family cats died. I have three children (6 - just turned 6 today, 8&10) as you can imagine we are all devastated.

The vets have said we can have her cremated and she stay with them. Or we can pay a little bit extra and bring her ashes home. I can’t work out how to handle this situation, weather it’s better to give the cat some form of send off. Allow the children to say their goodbyes etc. Or let the vets deal with the cat and leave the kids to heal in their own space and time. Today they seem much more chipper however, I think that may be because it’s my youngest birthday and We are out celebrating. I don’t want to keep bringing it up and hurting them all over again but also don’t want them to feel robbed off saying goodbye.

We have always had a send off for our pets. the kids really love being involved and put photos, letters drawings and saying our memories about the pet etc.

But others dont do anything except chat about it.. . I don't think there is a right or wrong way.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Just looking for some advice as I’m not sure what to do or how to go about this situation. My friends in RL are split pretty 50/50 so I’m taking it to the Internet

So last night one of our family cats died. I have three children (6 - just turned 6 today, 8&10) as you can imagine we are all devastated.

The vets have said we can have her cremated and she stay with them. Or we can pay a little bit extra and bring her ashes home. I can’t work out how to handle this situation, weather it’s better to give the cat some form of send off. Allow the children to say their goodbyes etc. Or let the vets deal with the cat and leave the kids to heal in their own space and time. Today they seem much more chipper however, I think that may be because it’s my youngest birthday and We are out celebrating. I don’t want to keep bringing it up and hurting them all over again but also don’t want them to feel robbed off saying goodbye.

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way. Let the vets take care of the cat and then ask the children if they’d like to have a little ceremony.