The advice thread for random problems #6

[HelloStereo]

If someone was like this with me, I'd walk away, I'd take it as they were wanting to end the friendship, if other friends were bringing it up or similar then I'd think maybe there was something I'd need to work on but if it's only just one then it's clear he's wanting to move on an I'd let him

If in future after I'd moved on an they brought something up along the lines of "why are you distant" I'd throw their own line back at them like "the weather's too nice to spend it on people who I've moved on from"

Yeah, it's been going on for years where he'd say something like "I don't want you in my life and I don't want to be in yours" and before I used to let it go but now I've deleted him from everything and I'm not sad about it.

I'd love to throw it back at him but also I don't know if I ever want to speak to him again haha. Even when I think we're having a pleasant conversation he finds a way to make me feel bad about myself.

 

[boomska]

Yeah, I have asked my friends in the past if I am what he says I am and they say no. They don't really like him or understand why I still talked to him. He has always brought up a reason for us to fall out in the past, but never that I lack self awareness. Sometimes that I'm annoying though, but it will be around things like one time I invited him over to do some cooking as he had said in the past he enjoyed it, and he got annoyed that i was "pressuring him" or constantly asking him for things and then blocked me. And then he comes back as normal a few weeks later acting like nothing has happened.

I think in the end we're not compatible even as friends. I always feel like I am walking on eggshells to not upset him so he won't block me or fly off the handle, and it means I don't always say how I feel. And he obviously finds me unbearably annoying.

I was once super needy as a friend because I hated my own company and hated my living arrangement so I used to want to see/talk to my friends all the time espically those I'm close with. One close friend of mine and I stopped talking for a bit because her girlfriend got really insecure with mine and close friend's friendship (strickly platonic, we're just very similar in a lot of ways!) And a close friend told a mutual friend that i was needy but she didn't want to stop talking to me. Now, me and close friend are closer than ever and I know that if I do become needy again as a friend, she would tell me (and vice versa) but still would appreciate our friendship.Same with being annoying; she can annoy me, I can annoy her but we look at the bigger picture which is that we care about being in each other lives and know that we might be annoying each because of the circumstances, feelings like we might be tired.

EVERYONE can be annoying at times but he definitely sounds like a user and emotional fuckward with the blocking/unblocking. He definitely doesn't sound like a friend, and sounds like he's calling you a friend to keep you in his life when it suits him. I wouldn't take on board what he has said about you.

I would reply back going "I've reviewed everything you've said and I do think this friendship has ran its course and I no longer want to be friends. take care "

 

[HelloStereo]

I was once super needy as a friend because I hated my own company and hated my living arrangement so I used to want to see/talk to my friends all the time espically those I'm close with. One close friend of mine and I stopped talking for a bit because her girlfriend got really insecure with mine and close friend's friendship (strickly platonic, we're just very similar in a lot of ways!) And a close friend told a mutual friend that i was needy but she didn't want to stop talking to me. Now, me and close friend are closer than ever and I know that if I do become needy again as a friend, she would tell me (and vice versa) but still would appreciate our friendship.Same with being annoying; she can annoy me, I can annoy her but we look at the bigger picture which is that we care about being in each other lives and know that we might be annoying each because of the circumstances, feelings like we might be tired.

EVERYONE can be annoying at times but he definitely sounds like a user and emotional fuckward with the blocking/unblocking. He definitely doesn't sound like a friend, and sounds like he's calling you a friend to keep you in his life when it suits him. I wouldn't take on board what he has said about you.

I would reply back going "I've reviewed everything you've said and I do think this friendship has ran its course and I no longer want to be friends. take care "

Thank you for this and to put it into perspective with your own experience. You are right that in a friendship sometimes they don't act the way you would have done but it doesn't mean they're not a good friend. If you have a good enough friendship communication and then moving on is just part of that. Not trying to put someone down or thinking of a way to cut communication with them when it's convenient to you and then picking things back up when it is.

I think I stopped caring as much about 5 years ago and now I've got to the point where I was the one to delete him off everything and not feel bad about it which I've never done before.

 

[boomska]

Thank you for this and to put it into perspective with your own experience. You are right that in a friendship sometimes they don't act the way you would have done but it doesn't mean they're not a good friend. If you have a good enough friendship communication and then moving on is just part of that. Not trying to put someone down or thinking of a way to cut communication with them when it's convenient to you and then picking things back up when it is.

I think I stopped caring as much about 5 years ago and now I've got to the point where I was the one to delete him off everything and not feel bad about it which I've never done before.

You’re welcome I currently have an issue with a friend which we never dated, but my friends think he fancies me with what he says and his behaviour and I’m one of those people that ending friendships are really hard for me. But being in his friend is way harder than ending it and potentially waking up to sassy messages, or uncomfortable behaviours.

I think you know what you want to do Espically if this isn’t something you’ve ever considered before. Sometimes you’ve got to look at short time pain vs long term gain.

 

[HelloStereo]

You’re welcome I currently have an issue with a friend which we never dated, but my friends think he fancies me with what he says and his behaviour and I’m one of those people that ending friendships are really hard for me. But being in his friend is way harder than ending it and potentially waking up to sassy messages, or uncomfortable behaviours.

I think you know what you want to do Espically if this isn’t something you’ve ever considered before. Sometimes you’ve got to look at short time pain vs long term gain.

I am one of those people too, and it means we put up with more in a friendship than most. Cutting someone off hurts but it's so much better than keeping someone in your life who makes you feel rubbish about yourself.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

How do you take criticism from people without getting defensive or brushing it off. Or how much do you balance their criticism vs your own perception of yourself?

I had an argument out of the blue with someone I used to date but am still ~friends~ with on Friday. We started the chat normally and pleasantly in the morning and then abruptly he said something along the lines of "the weather is too nice to be spending it on this conversation" which i thought was a little off.

I asked what he meant by that and he said that he was unsure if I added any value to his life anymore. And whether he did to mine beyond being someone I "can annoy".

He then went on to say he knows he's an irritable see you next Tuesday, but I lack self awareness and that's impacted things. I think because I annoy him and don't realise, or don't reflect on how my words annoy him.

Anyway, I'm not too sad about the conversation itself, just the part where he said it lack self awareness, and bringing up me being annoying. I don't think i talk to him any differently to any of my other friends and they've never said I lack self awareness or am annoying. Is me not accepting that i lack self awareness fulfilling his statement that I lack self awareness? Am I unaware of my self unawareness?

How much do you take on board what they say and balance it with thinking "no, I don't think I'm like how you're saying i am"?

In the past I've been defensive when people have brought up things and I'm trying to get better and grow as a person. But I also don't want people to tell me what or who I am, or let the opinion of one person define me.

How would you take this feedback on board? It feels quite broad and it's not really something anyone has ever said i was before.

I’ve done a lot of self reflection and know my annoying habits etc So I don’t lack self awareness but I do acknowledge there are parts of my personality that is annoying and cannot be changed.

If you are unsure if you lack self awareness chat with a friend you trust to be honest. If it’s true and you’d like to work on it then do but also if that is part of “you” then maybe it can’t be changed and that is ok too. We are all different and that’s what makes the world interesting.

I for example have no patience with people. I know this and acknowledge it. So when people get upset with me for my lack of patience I apologise but am honest that it’s a struggle for me. I’ve tried to change it but I guess it’s an integral part of what makes me, me

 

[HelloStereo]

I’ve done a lot of self reflection and know my annoying habits etc So I don’t lack self awareness but I do acknowledge there are parts of my personality that is annoying and cannot be changed.

If you are unsure if you lack self awareness chat with a friend you trust to be honest. If it’s true and you’d like to work on it then do but also if that is part of “you” then maybe it can’t be changed and that is ok too. We are all different and that’s what makes the world interesting.

I for example have no patience with people. I know this and acknowledge it. So when people get upset with me for my lack of patience I apologise but am honest that it’s a struggle for me. I’ve tried to change it but I guess it’s an integral part of what makes me, me

Thank you, I might ask a friend I know will be honest but still kind. I think I've had friends in the past bring up issues but never around a lack of self awareness, and it's always been where they've said "I was upset by this" and I say "sorry" and try not to do it again and then we move on.

It's just - is it a self fulfilling prophecy. I don't think I lack self awareness and this is the first time I've heard it from someone, so I'm likely to dismiss it - but is this an example of me lacking self awareness?

I hate it when people say "you're like this" or "you're like that" without giving examples. It just feels like criticism for the sake of it, without really trying to fix any issues.

 

[Snippysnips]

Stuck with a decision between two cars, what would people go for

Toyota aygo
Or
Hyundai i9

Both are similar size which is the size I am looking for, originally I was thinking the aygo but after seeing the i9 am now thinking of it

Am also at the very fortunate stage where I could go new with both an also have colour choice so I can't even make the choice based on the milage or age of the car or colour

 

[boomska]

Stuck with a decision between two cars, what would people go for

Toyota aygo
Or
Hyundai i9

Both are similar size which is the size I am looking for, originally I was thinking the aygo but after seeing the i9 am now thinking of it

Am also at the very fortunate stage where I could go new with both an also have colour choice so I can't even make the choice based on the milage or age of the car or colour

I know nothing about cars so I can't help but i usually go milage and how much parts would be if they neded to be replaced

 

[Kim Mild]

Stuck with a decision between two cars, what would people go for

Toyota aygo
Or
Hyundai i9

Both are similar size which is the size I am looking for, originally I was thinking the aygo but after seeing the i9 am now thinking of it

Am also at the very fortunate stage where I could go new with both an also have colour choice so I can't even make the choice based on the milage or age of the car or colour

I was recently looking at used cars and Hyundai have a brilliant reputation, both according to the salesmen and online reviews. Not sure what an i9 is but I had a look at a used i10, which was very spacious for a small car . It also had 5 seat belts, whereas an aygo has 4.

I had a Toyota years ago and I didn't get on with it

 

[littlepup]

For balance, I have a Toyota and it never skipped a beat for years or cost a penny until it finally just failed (gear box needed replacing).

 

[Snippysnips]

I was recently looking at used cars and Hyundai have a brilliant reputation, both according to the salesmen and online reviews. Not sure what an i9 is but I had a look at a used i10, which was very spacious for a small car . It also had 5 seat belts, whereas an aygo has 4.

I had a Toyota years ago and I didn't get on with it

For balance, I have a Toyota and it never skipped a beat for years or cost a penny until it finally just failed (gear box needed replacing).

So a vote for each then

The i9 is very very similar to the aygo, I think I seen the i10 an it was a little big, am a very nervous driver an this will be first time back out on the road in a while so I want something small an both cars have quite a flat back which helps since I don't need to worry about it extending out an me accidently hitting something while reversing

I haven't been to Toyota to see their range yet, am going this week, but the i9 offers built in sensors an cameras for the back as well as navigation, if the aygo also does this its still not going help because right now the back sensors is what's helping

 

[Snippysnips]

Ok my bad, it's a i10

Not me sitting trying search online for a i9 an wondering how it doesn't exist I viewed a few cars today lol, so it's between the i10 an aygo

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Ok my bad, it's a i10

Not me sitting trying search online for a i9 an wondering how it doesn't exist I viewed a few cars today lol, so it's between the i10 an aygo

My vote is for Toyota. Honestly super reliable and cheap to run

 

[Former_Antelopee]

My parents shave an Aygo and they like it, it had cameras in for reversing. They had one that was written off in a crash and then got a second one so must like it as they didn't change to another car.
Although I prefer the look of an i10 I would've got one at some point if I didn't get a good deal on a family members car they were selling. Although an Aygo would've been my second choice and I would've just picked whichever was the better deal at the time as wouldn't have been that bothered

 

[bozlem3080]

My daughter’s first car was an Aygo (08 plate), had 130000 miles on it but was really good, she had it 3yrs till traded it in for a newer model Aygo, it only needed a new tyre in the time she had it on the MOT.

 

[Snippysnips]

Glad to hear the aygo has cameras on it because those are a huge plus for me, I know most modern cars have them now but my parents one doesn't even though it's a young car, so wasn't sure if the aygo did or didn't, also good to hear there's very little problems with them

The place today was trying to talk me into one of those rent schemes which I don't want, whatever I go for I want to own it an want it for years so need it to last

 

[Former_Antelopee]

Glad to hear the aygo has cameras on it because those are a huge plus for me, I know most modern cars have them now but my parents one doesn't even though it's a young car, so wasn't sure if the aygo did or didn't, also good to hear there's very little problems with them

The place today was trying to talk me into one of those rent schemes which I don't want, whatever I go for I want to own it an want it for years so need it to last

I guess it depends (like most cars I think?) whether the person who first bought it selected the cameras? My parents first one didn't have the cameras but their new one does. They were both newish when bought I think a 2017 plate and a 2019 plate. I know my dad wanted another 2017 plate due to the cheaper tax but found the 2019 one for a good price so ended up with that even though the tax is more

 

[Snippysnips]

I guess it depends (like most cars I think?) whether the person who first bought it selected the cameras? My parents first one didn't have the cameras but their new one does. They were both newish when bought I think a 2017 plate and a 2019 plate. I know my dad wanted another 2017 plate due to the cheaper tax but found the 2019 one for a good price so ended up with that even though the tax is more

Ah, I'll make sure to check if they have them, with the i10 it was all standard fitting for the base model, but with the aygo I don't know what's all standard for it and what needs to be added, the i10 had the option to go mid range an it was adding in tinted windows an heated seats with a heated steering wheel, can't remember what the top range was but I was happy at just the base

 

[klarakluckbag]

I love Hyundai cars, I've had an i10 and I now drive an i20. My little i10 was bombproof, I drove it around London every day for 8 years, you could squeeze it into the smallest parking space, and it used around a teaspoon of petrol a day, it was so economical. I only let it go because it had some steering issues, and at 14 years old, it wasn't worth repairing, plus I needed something a little bigger, but I was very sorry to see it go.
Having said that, I love my i20. And I was very sniffy about using reversing sensors, but I couldn't live without them now!