The advice thread for random problems #4

[stargirl23]

They told me to speak to him and try to resolve it between ourselves in first instance.

That’s awful! I’m so sorry they’re being so tit at listening to your concerns and helping you. They’re covering their back instead of being there for you as the victim. Please consider going to the police, they won’t victim blame you or make you feel like you’re in the wrong for speaking up. You’ve absolutely done the right thing to report this and I feel you’ll feel more safe and reassured going via police as they’ll help you to endure justice is served. We’re all here if you need us

 

[cee-bee]

They told me to speak to him and try to resolve it between ourselves in first instance.

oh my god. Im lost for words.

your harasser doesn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt. He doesn’t deserve an opportunity to bully or belittle you furthur.

HR are basically telling you their bullying tactics haven’t worked and you’re not backing down, so they’re passing you back to the sexual harasser to try and beat you down into dropping it. That’s basically what’s happening here.

 

[Popcornshovel]

They told me to speak to him and try to resolve it between ourselves in first instance.

This is awful! They shouldn't let this harasser anywhere near you, let alone encourage further contact.

No job is worth your peace. The employer is behaving appallingly (and illegally!) and I think this needs police and lawyer involvement.

 

[Captainmouse]

This may help

What sexual harassment is - Sexual harassment - Acas

What sexual harassment is. What you can do if you're affected by it at work. How employers should handle sexual harassment complaints.

www.acas.org.uk

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

No I haven't.


I've had messages from people saying they feel I should be suspended because it's my word against his (they obviously don't know about all the evidence I have) I'm so upset

I'm going to recommend exactly what others have. He's committed a crime (possibly more than one) and you have evidence. Please, please report it to the Police. You can do that online via a live chat box (with an actual person though) initially, if that would feel easier than going into a station.

I also think you should give some thought to the level of stress you're actually feeling over Christmas, paying attention in particular to how you feel as your return to work date approaches. You may need to consider getting the GP to sign you off for a little while. Don't push yourself to put a brave face on it unnecessarily. This is a perfectly reasonable situation to need time off for. Your mental health is a priority.

 

[Thank(space)you]

I'm going to recommend exactly what others have. He's committed a crime (possibly more than one) and you have evidence. Please, please report it to the Police. You can do that online via a live chat box (with an actual person though) initially, if that would feel easier than going into a station.

I also think you should give some thought to the level of stress you're actually feeling over Christmas, paying attention in particular to how you feel as your return to work date approaches. You may need to consider getting the GP to sign you off for a little while. Don't push yourself to put a brave face on it unnecessarily. This is a perfectly reasonable situation to need time off for. Your mental health is a priority.

Honestly the thought of work right now makes me feel sick with anxiety. I've been checking my work email each night in case there's something from HR - nothing yet.

 

[littlepup]

Honestly the thought of work right now makes me feel sick with anxiety. I've been checking my work email each night in case there's something from HR - nothing yet.

It really might be worth speaking to a doctor about some talking therapy or victim support help. With everything you’ve been going through now coupled with the serious incidents you mentioned some time ago on another thread, it’s an awful lot for a person to take. Even if you feel mentally strong, these things can creep up on you. I know there are charities and helplines for SA survivors. Don’t be afraid to reach out.

 

[cowtastrophe]

bleeping hell @Thank(space)you. I’ve just caught up with this and like everyone else, I’m furious on your behalf. Your company‘s behaviour is disgraceful, not having dealt with a claim like this before is no excuse to interrogate you. Absolutely un bleeping believable.

I‘m going to echo what everyone else has said - please, please report this to the police. I am betting this is not this guy’s first rodeo - no one behaves like that to a colleague unless they think they can get away with it.

You poor love, no wonder you’re feeling so stressed.

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

I know it's a hard step to take but I really would talk to Acas. They're usually as much help as a chocolate teapot but under circumstances like this, they know the law inside out and what your employer HAS to do legally to protect you in the workplace. They're breaking the law just as much as this p is. Hold onto that, start getting angry and get some proper advice and support. He has no right to make you feel like this. We're all right behind you.

 

[Thank(space)you]

What happens at a disciplinary hearing? (Not my hearing) I've been told I won't need to be there but he gets a final chance to put forward his case that he did nothing wrong? Is that correct?

 

[Thank(space)you]

Massively freaking out as the guy from the HR situ is apparently telling people that he's got my address saved in Google maps & he has pics of me in my lingerie!

I know I've never given him either but I'm Massively freaking out if he has got them how he has?

I'm hoping he's bullshitting because if he had that info why wouldn't he have given it to HR sooner?

I'm genuinely getting so scared

 

[Snippysnips]

Massively freaking out as the guy from the HR situ is apparently telling people that he's got my address saved in Google maps & he has pics of me in my lingerie!

I know I've never given him either but I'm Massively freaking out if he has got them how he has?

I'm hoping he's bullshitting because if he had that info why wouldn't he have given it to HR sooner?

I'm genuinely getting so scared

Honestly, time to call the cops

 

[Thank(space)you]

Honestly, time to call the cops

I've not wanted to involve the police because I've been worried I'm overreacting but now I'm actually scared so maybe it is time.

 

[Snippysnips]

I've not wanted to involve the police because I've been worried I'm overreacting but now I'm actually scared so maybe it is time.

Definitely not over reacting, he sounds a unhinged lunatic, but as soon as someone mentions they have your address an have photos then it's definitely time for the cops, he needs some sort of restraining order

 

[Popcornshovel]

Massively freaking out as the guy from the HR situ is apparently telling people that he's got my address saved in Google maps & he has pics of me in my lingerie!

I know I've never given him either but I'm Massively freaking out if he has got them how he has?

I'm hoping he's bullshitting because if he had that info why wouldn't he have given it to HR sooner?

I'm genuinely getting so scared

Please contact a charity like Women's Aid to talk it through. They have a helpline. It sounds like harassment and they might have some good advice.

And personally I would be reporting him to the police. Even if they do nothing, then there's a log and if anything more happened in the future there's that history that it's been reported before.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Massively freaking out as the guy from the HR situ is apparently telling people that he's got my address saved in Google maps & he has pics of me in my lingerie!

I know I've never given him either but I'm Massively freaking out if he has got them how he has?

I'm hoping he's bullshitting because if he had that info why wouldn't he have given it to HR sooner?

I'm genuinely getting so scared

Hi,

*This is going to come across as blunt. I apologise. But... He hasn't. Calm down. Please stop panicking. If you have such photos on your phone (taken with others or alone) and you have never sent them to him and he comes into possession of them and then publishes them, it's all illegal.

He is a liar and he will be found out.

Also, please talk to the police. Log it at least. Honestly, even if you feel it's daft, just humour me (us, because it's not just me saying it).

 

[Thank(space)you]

Hi,

*This is going to come across as blunt. I apologise. But... He hasn't. Calm down. Please stop panicking. If you have such photos on your phone (taken with others or alone) and you have never sent them to him and he comes into possession of them and then publishes them, it's all illegal.

He is a liar and he will be found out.

Also, please talk to the police. Log it at least. Honestly, even if you feel it's daft, just humour me (us, because it's not just me saying it).

You're right. I'm just overthinking and panicking.

I'm not sure what the police will do

 

[Captainmouse]

They will have a record at least, and, it may turn out this is not the first time he has done this, nor the last. It needs reporting.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

You're right. I'm just overthinking and panicking.

I'm not sure what the police will do

It's possible that what he has already done would be considered Malicious Communication, bordering on Harassment and therefore they may begin an investigation.

If it doesn't meet that threshold yet it is still important that there is a record of what is happening.

I'm also concerned about the possibility of his behaviour escalating in which case it's much better to have a contemporary record of incidents rather than having to remember everything at a time of heightened stress. He may also have behaved like this previously.

If I was in your situation I would absolutely be involving the police at this point. However, if you really don't feel you can, then start making notes of everything that is happening. So time/date, type of contact, threats, comments, everything that is happening at work and how it's making you feel.

 

[Snippysnips]

You're right. I'm just overthinking and panicking.

I'm not sure what the police will do

At the very least they will start to keep records, I don't think they will approach unless you want to go further but right now it's best having them involved to start the paperwork so that if it does escalate then they have a file that's started to get built, it will make it easier for them to pull up records if you begin it