The advice thread for random problems #4

[nataliaaaaa]

That’s all very fair, thank you. My GP has referred me for talking therapy so I will go to that and I’ll have a look at BetterHelp while I wait. It seems it’s a severe hormone imbalance / reaction to medication. I guess what I find hard is I do actually try to deal with these things on my own or with help from others, but my partner then usually says I should have asked him for help. So I guess I was trying that approach although I realise what you’re saying, he is now at such a breaking point that he can’t help maybe. The thing is, I KNOW this isn’t the ‘real’ me, and everyone that knows me also knows this. But I also know it’s not okay to ruin some else’s life by being this way so I do want to get help.
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The thing is, I know I have REALLY messed up and I just don’t know how to go about the immediate future! I think I’ll give this afternoons party a miss and see if I can speak with him tomorrow. I think it’s me that needs to make the effort going forward but I also think if he needs space I don’t want to be too full on?

 

[littlepup]

The thing is, I know I have REALLY messed up and I just don’t know how to go about the immediate future! I think I’ll give this afternoons party a miss and see if I can speak with him tomorrow. I think it’s me that needs to make the effort going forward but I also think if he needs space I don’t want to be too full on?

Unless you feel very strongly about it, Ask him what he wants you to do. He seems to feel shut out. Ask him if he feels you should go, will he be let down if you don’t or if he needs more space.
If he wants you to go, explain that you will try but if you feel it’s too much you will make your excuses and leave, it will be on you and no reflection on him.

 

[nataliaaaaa]

I did ask this morning as I thought that was the right thing to do, he said he doesn’t understand me and he has no idea whether I should go. Which made me have another breakdown (but I have spoken to a friend and to my mum so had some support). So I apologised and he told me again what I’m doing to him which I feel absolutely terrible about. I have told him I love him and I want to fix things and he has now text to say to come over. But the party starts soon (if not already) and I just feel worse now after this mornings conversation but I know it’s my own fault so I’ll just get myself ready and go.

 

[littlepup]

I did ask this morning as I thought that was the right thing to do, he said he doesn’t understand me and he has no idea whether I should go. Which made me have another breakdown (but I have spoken to a friend and to my mum so had some support). So I apologised and he told me again what I’m doing to him which I feel absolutely terrible about. I have told him I love him and I want to fix things and he has now text to say to come over. But the party starts soon (if not already) and I just feel worse now after this mornings conversation but I know it’s my own fault so I’ll just get myself ready and go.

Sending you lots of love and strength for today. It’s incredibly has to see through your own negative voices and pick out what’s the depression thinking and what’s how you truly feel. Try to look at things abstractly. How would you advise someone else in that situation, how would you feel if the situation was reversed etc.
I hope it goes well.

 

[Meg78]

How do you make friends with nice people in your 30’s? Everyone already seems to have set friendship groups and I live in an area where they don’t have meet-ups for hobbies

 

[Snippysnips]

Bit of a long shot but I'll try, my mum's seen this revitive foot an leg circulation thing, it's quite pricey an out my budget for Xmas, does anyone use anything similar that's maybe around the £100 mark, I've seen some on Amazon around that price range but I don't know the brands an if they are any good

 

[Rxt156]

Can someone recommend a kids tablet for a 2year old please I want to be able to download disney +
Thank you

 

[chickhicks86]

Can someone recommend a kids tablet for a 2year old please I want to be able to download disney +
Thank you

The Amazon ones are on offer at the moment. They have a 2 year guarantee too on the kids ones - if it gets broken they will replace!

 

[stargirl23]

Personally wouldn’t use the Amazon ones. We had 3 that broke and eventually after complaining we found out the ones they send you as a replacement are actually refurbished and they also all broke within a few months too. We got an iPad mini instead and had no issues and apple customer service was much better than Amazon

 

[avabella]

Personally wouldn’t use the Amazon ones. We had 3 that broke and eventually after complaining we found out the ones they send you as a replacement are actually refurbished and they also all broke within a few months too. We got an iPad mini instead and had no issues and apple customer service was much better than Amazon

I second this.

 

[Rxt156]

The Amazon ones are on offer at the moment. They have a 2 year guarantee too on the kids ones - if it gets broken they will replace!

Thank you. Do you know if you can download Disney on it? Thank you
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Personally wouldn’t use the Amazon ones. We had 3 that broke and eventually after complaining we found out the ones they send you as a replacement are actually refurbished and they also all broke within a few months too. We got an iPad mini instead and had no issues and apple customer service was much better than Amazon

Ooooo interesting. Thank you.

 

[Thank(space)you]

Does anyone have any advice on how to not be such a horrible person when I'm stressed?
If any of you are on the rant thread you'll know I'm going through some stuff with HR at work (a colleague sent me an unsolicited video of him wanking) & the investigation is stressful AF. I'm such a grump and a horrible person to be around whilst it's been going on. My nearest & dearest don't deserve this taken out on them.

 

[AladdinSane]

Urghhhhhh I am so stressed about my move on Wednesday. I can't sleep cos I'm panicking about the size of the removal van and if they'll even show up. It's the first time I'm moving as part of a chain and I'm really feeling it. I'm so so so nervous and worried that it's all going to go wrong!
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Does anyone have any advice on how to not be such a horrible person when I'm stressed?
If any of you are on the rant thread you'll know I'm going through some stuff with HR at work (a colleague sent me an unsolicited video of him wanking) & the investigation is stressful AF. I'm such a grump and a horrible person to be around whilst it's been going on. My nearest & dearest don't deserve this taken out on them.

I'm sure you're not being as horrible as you think. It sounds like you've gone through a tough time with an investigation at work etc. And you're bound to be stressed. Do they know what you're going through?
One thing I try to do when I'm stressed is take a second before I say something to someone. Just to make sure I'm reacting the right way.

I also always go put an episode of my favourite TV show on, have a cuppa and just try to switch off from my issues for 30 minutes. Sometimes that's all you need

 

[chickhicks86]

Thank you. Do you know if you can download Disney on it? Thank you
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Ooooo interesting. Thank you.

Yes, we have 3 and all have Disney on. And in regards to them being faulty, have had them for years and had one that got dropped in the bath replaced, and one that was stood on, but no other problems! They are refurbished, but I don't think you can expect them to replace a used one with brand new every time.

 

[conrea37]

Anyone had physical effects from stress? I’ve taken 2 sick days and waiting on the GP phone call. I feel awful.

 

[cee-bee]

Does anyone have any advice on how to not be such a horrible person when I'm stressed?
If any of you are on the rant thread you'll know I'm going through some stuff with HR at work (a colleague sent me an unsolicited video of him wanking) & the investigation is stressful AF. I'm such a grump and a horrible person to be around whilst it's been going on. My nearest & dearest don't deserve this taken out on them.

that sounds horrendous. I’m assuming the investigation is a criminal one and not just an internal HR one?

as such, I wonder how much the complaint is stressing you and how much of the stress stems from the actual crime committed against you. You were targeted in a horrible way, in a place you should’ve been safe. Have you been offered counselling or support?

Get help after rape or sexual assault

If something sexual happened to you without your consent – or you're not sure – we are here for you. No matter when it happened.

rapecrisis.org.uk

grape crisis gave a hotline for you to even just have a vent. When you feel stressed and irritable, you could maybe pick up the phone?

I’d also recommend speaking to your GP. Being snappy and irritable after being the victim of a crime isn’t a personal failing on your part. It’s a natural human reaction, a response to something traumatic. Your GP might be able to refer you to talking therapies. I got access to Silvercloud via my GP, a type of CBT therapy which can help with processing the emotions you’re feeling right now.

 

[stargirl23]

Anyone had physical effects from stress? I’ve taken 2 sick days and waiting on the GP phone call. I feel awful.

Very normal to have physical affects from stress, it’s crazy the impact it has on your body. I hope the drs goes well and you’re able to get the help you need. Just remember you’re not alone and how you’re feeling is normal given the circumstances

 

[Thank(space)you]

that sounds horrendous. I’m assuming the investigation is a criminal one and not just an internal HR one?

as such, I wonder how much the complaint is stressing you and how much of the stress stems from the actual crime committed against you. You were targeted in a horrible way, in a place you should’ve been safe. Have you been offered counselling or support?

Get help after rape or sexual assault

If something sexual happened to you without your consent – or you're not sure – we are here for you. No matter when it happened.

rapecrisis.org.uk

grape crisis gave a hotline for you to even just have a vent. When you feel stressed and irritable, you could maybe pick up the phone?

I’d also recommend speaking to your GP. Being snappy and irritable after being the victim of a crime isn’t a personal failing on your part. It’s a natural human reaction, a response to something traumatic. Your GP might be able to refer you to talking therapies. I got access to Silvercloud via my GP, a type of CBT therapy which can help with processing the emotions you’re feeling right now.

It is just an internal HR investigation, I was worried to raise it anyway in case I was making a fuss. But HR keep pulling me in for further questioning, like Thursday I was in for an hour and a half whilst they asked me stuff like "how does he know what car you drive?" .... I drive to work so it's no secret

 

[cee-bee]

It is just an internal HR investigation, I was worried to raise it anyway in case I was making a fuss. But HR keep pulling me in for further questioning, like Thursday I was in for an hour and a half whilst they asked me stuff like "how does he know what car you drive?" .... I drive to work so it's no secret

oh my god. It’s deeply unethical IMO that they’ve kept this internal. No wonder you’re stressed. They are working to safeguard their reputation, not protect you. That’s why they are trying to discredit you.

I’d strongly encourage you to ensure you have captured any evidence (so potentially saving any emails for example, showing interactions with this man as well as the actual video itself). I’d then suggest you contact the police as soon as you’ve done this. Preferably today.

this is a crime, a criminal offence. A serious one. You are absolutely not kicking up a fuss. This type of sexual offending is not a small thing, because men like this can and do go on to commit more serious offences. That’s why it’s so important it’s on his police record. It’s shocking that your place of work is dismissing this and trying to place the blame on you by the sound of things. The only person kicking a fuss up out of nothing is this guy, when he decided to sexually harass you and break the law. He has caused the disruption, not you. Victims of crimes are allowed to advocate for themselves. That is not kicking up a fuss.

please, please report this. Because not only is your workplace denying you justice for the crime committed against you, they are heaping more stress on you and denying you the support that is available to victims of crime. Truly abhorrent behaviour. Both this man and your work colleagues are seriously ducked up.

please please call the police. Don’t discuss it with HR or any colleagues. And if you have a moment of doubt, jump on this thread and tag me. I’m SO sorry you’re being treated this way. If it helps, you’re not alone. I am sick to death of hearing from my female friends and colleagues, the myriad of ways we get dismissed and mistreated. If you ever worry you’re making up a fuss, then remind yourself you are important. Your feelings and experiences matter and deserve to take up space, attention and time. Especially when you’ve been wronged.

 

[littlepup]

It is just an internal HR investigation, I was worried to raise it anyway in case I was making a fuss. But HR keep pulling me in for further questioning, like Thursday I was in for an hour and a half whilst they asked me stuff like "how does he know what car you drive?" .... I drive to work so it's no secret

It sounds like perhaps he’s claiming it’s not unsolicited. While the HR action is horrendous for you and verging on victim blaming they need to have it tied up legally if he’s going to lose his job. While it’s horrible, he could sue them and go after you for false accusations if there’s any doubt. They just need to have it all in writing, from the horse’s mouth so to speak.
As distressing and unfair as it will be, it’s for the best. Stand your ground.
It’s exactly why so many people don’t bother to pursue these things and abuseres know that.

Depending on the size of your company and their insurance, they may be able to offer some formal help in terms of a talking therapy or similar.