The advice thread for random problems #3

WeHadFunRight · Jun 22, 2023

tomato_paste said:
I could really use some advice about a friendship I'm struggling with. We work together, so it's difficult because it's a mixed context. The situation was that we had a company event where we were talking to one of our partners and she afterwards criticised me quite severly about talking over her the entire time; and also brought up a different incident where I stood up for her when she was bullied by a mutual teammate - claming I percieve her as less than, and incompetent, thus the talking over her, and stepping in when it was neither wanted nor neccessary (according to her) with the bullying.

I'm angry but I don't know how justified it is. I thought the event went well and we had a fun time with the partner, I did not get a bad vibe at all. She claims the partner was impatient with me and unhappy about my behaviour - I can't see that but she might be right.

As for the bullying and perceiving her as "less than" - well... she does have the girly girl "help me you're a strong man" act down to a T, which is part cultural (different country of origin). It's a sensitive topic and I don't want to be cruel and throw that in her face that a lot of the reactions she gets isn't because my coworkers inherently disrespect women; I'm a woman too, and never felt that way with my coworkers. Instead, it's because she unconsciously uses the "helpless doe" act when she needs help, and that creates a certain type of response.

I accept and agree with her that I overstepped a boundary by bringing our friendship into a work context and behaving like I would with a friend, not a coworker; but I strongly resent being the only one with a responsibility here - that her behaviour is fine and dandy and has nothing to do with the reactions she gets - instead everyone else needs to change around her to accomodate her instead.

I want to talk to her about this eventually but I don't know how to bring it up without sounding like I won't take any of the blame; and I also want to be cognisant of the cultural differences as not to make her uncomfortable, because that happens a lot when we talk. Whether it being about dating where she doesn't get my perspective at all, or cultural phenomena of our respective countries. It's like we don't really understand what the other is saying.

This is a really tough one. I think I would say I didn’t realise it had that your actions had that impact on her. I would probably not worry about how she felt the evening with the partner went though as she sounds a bit like she’s lashing out at you unfairly or she could have interpreted it differently to you (whose to say which of you has the closest interpretation).

If you want to address it I would let some water flow under the bridge first and then go into it after some time has passed. That said, I think it’s always worth accepting feedback and reflecting on it, just make sure you’re not out to balance the scales.

houdini · Jun 24, 2023

Can anyone recommend a website to create colour palettes?

I need one in which I can input three or four of my already selected colours and then have it suggest other colours to go with them.

I can only seem to find websites that generate random palettes that you can’t input your already selected colours into.

Thanks in advance

CallMeHollywood · Jun 24, 2023

houdini said:
Can anyone recommend a website to create colour palettes?

I need one in which I can input three or four of my already selected colours and then have it suggest other colours to go with them.

I can only seem to find websites that generate random palettes that you can’t input your already selected colours into.

Thanks in advance

Adobe illustrator, indesign and photoshop have colour themes. It’s super easy to use and Adobe has tutorials on it. You can get a seven day free trial on Adobe (just remember to cancel it).

Snippysnips · Jun 24, 2023

There's coolors which lets you generate random pallettes or you can type in a colour an it generates the rest to see what will go, or canva which I think shows random photos an gives the colours or you can upload your own photo or colourmind which is another generator

Sprezza · Jun 25, 2023

Does anyone know if its possible for pest control to come and do their thing without you having to vacate the property? We have a rat problem but we also have 2 cats and a dog (you'd think that would be the end of the rat problem but nope) plus my mum is disabled with various health issues so we can't really just pack up and relocate for a bit without a serious amount of upheaval and stress.

Snippysnips · Jun 25, 2023

Sprezza said:
Does anyone know if its possible for pest control to come and do their thing without you having to vacate the property? We have a rat problem but we also have 2 cats and a dog (you'd think that would be the end of the rat problem but nope) plus my mum is disabled with various health issues so we can't really just pack up and relocate for a bit without a serious amount of upheaval and stress.

It would depend on what they use an what chemicals, some may use toxic chemicals that would require you to vacate for the day, while others may use traps to catch them an you'd be fine at home

CoffeeMamma · Jun 25, 2023

Sprezza said:
Does anyone know if its possible for pest control to come and do their thing without you having to vacate the property? We have a rat problem but we also have 2 cats and a dog (you'd think that would be the end of the rat problem but nope) plus my mum is disabled with various health issues so we can't really just pack up and relocate for a bit without a serious amount of upheaval and stress.

When I was a wee student we had rats and they sorted it while we were out, however the people in the other part of the house had pets which had to be removed for 48 hours, but people could stay. This was a good 10 years ago mind.

Spidey2020 · Jun 25, 2023

I’m going to get my haircut this week, which I really don’t enjoy.
It is very thick and currently long. No ‘style’.

I’m quite rubbish at doing hair and making time to get it looking ok. I’m contemplating a hidden undercut to take some of the weight out. I was also thinking about curtain fringe maybe some layers kind of ‘wolf cut’ ish. No idea how low maintenance that would be??

Any ideas please?

Bedd5 · Jun 25, 2023

Spidey2020 said:
I’m going to get my haircut this week, which I really don’t enjoy.
It is very thick and currently long. No ‘style’.

I’m quite rubbish at doing hair and making time to get it looking ok. I’m contemplating a hidden undercut to take some of the weight out. I was also thinking about curtain fringe maybe some layers kind of ‘wolf cut’ ish. No idea how low maintenance that would be??

Any ideas please?

Have a look at Jamesbusbyhair on tiktok, he does a lot of styles similar to what you are describing

Spidey2020 · Jun 25, 2023

Ah that’s great thanks loads of great ideas and I’ve just used TikTok for the first time!

Vinegar Lips · Jun 27, 2023

Apologies in advance if there is a thread regarding child maintenance.
The father to my 6 year old son and I had a private agreement drawn up 2.5 years ago. Recently, due to my mortgage likely going up by about £400 a month from Nov. I asked him if he would mind just recalculating the amount we agreed. He currently pays me just over £200 a month but has our son 3 nights a week. I only asked him to recalculate and did not mention an amount. He immediately went ballistic and started asking for an itemised list of what I spend on our son every month. Any way to cut a long story short I decided to make an official application through CMS. This had lead to him becoming increasingly confrontational and difficult. Whilst my application is now being processed he has now requested that I pay for the petrol for when he drops off our son. He lives 1.9 miles from me and I don’t drive.
I don’t want to agree to this but am not sure if he has any rights to ask me? What if I say no and he just refuses to drive him back to me?
Any thoughts on this greatly appreciated, thanks guys xx

Rxt156 · Jun 27, 2023

Vinegar Lips said:
Apologies in advance if there is a thread regarding child maintenance.
The father to my 6 year old son and I had a private agreement drawn up 2.5 years ago. Recently, due to my mortgage likely going up by about £400 a month from Nov. I asked him if he would mind just recalculating the amount we agreed. He currently pays me just over £200 a month but has our son 3 nights a week. I only asked him to recalculate and did not mention an amount. He immediately went ballistic and started asking for an itemised list of what I spend on our son every month. Any way to cut a long story short I decided to make an official application through CMS. This had lead to him becoming increasingly confrontational and difficult. Whilst my application is now being processed he has now requested that I pay for the petrol for when he drops off our son. He lives 1.9 miles from me and I don’t drive.
I don’t want to agree to this but am not sure if he has any rights to ask me? What if I say no and he just refuses to drive him back to me?
Any thoughts on this greatly appreciated, thanks guys xx

This is tough as I imagine his mortgage is going up too. Not sure he should be paying towards yours if he has your son 3 days? It’s just less than half of the week.

I await other responses

PS the petrol thing he is just being petty to get back at you

stardust1 · Jun 27, 2023

Vinegar Lips said:
Apologies in advance if there is a thread regarding child maintenance.
The father to my 6 year old son and I had a private agreement drawn up 2.5 years ago. Recently, due to my mortgage likely going up by about £400 a month from Nov. I asked him if he would mind just recalculating the amount we agreed. He currently pays me just over £200 a month but has our son 3 nights a week. I only asked him to recalculate and did not mention an amount. He immediately went ballistic and started asking for an itemised list of what I spend on our son every month. Any way to cut a long story short I decided to make an official application through CMS. This had lead to him becoming increasingly confrontational and difficult. Whilst my application is now being processed he has now requested that I pay for the petrol for when he drops off our son. He lives 1.9 miles from me and I don’t drive.
I don’t want to agree to this but am not sure if he has any rights to ask me? What if I say no and he just refuses to drive him back to me?
Any thoughts on this greatly appreciated, thanks guys xx

personally i don’t think she should contribute towards the mortgage if he has his own bills and has your son 3 days i feel that is fair enough. The issue with doing the official claim is they might say he owes even less than he usually pays. My friends ex partner pays £7.77 a week

in terms of petrol to drop him home, he is being a wanker there.

CoffeeMamma · Jun 27, 2023

Vinegar Lips said:
Apologies in advance if there is a thread regarding child maintenance.
The father to my 6 year old son and I had a private agreement drawn up 2.5 years ago. Recently, due to my mortgage likely going up by about £400 a month from Nov. I asked him if he would mind just recalculating the amount we agreed. He currently pays me just over £200 a month but has our son 3 nights a week. I only asked him to recalculate and did not mention an amount. He immediately went ballistic and started asking for an itemised list of what I spend on our son every month. Any way to cut a long story short I decided to make an official application through CMS. This had lead to him becoming increasingly confrontational and difficult. Whilst my application is now being processed he has now requested that I pay for the petrol for when he drops off our son. He lives 1.9 miles from me and I don’t drive.
I don’t want to agree to this but am not sure if he has any rights to ask me? What if I say no and he just refuses to drive him back to me?
Any thoughts on this greatly appreciated, thanks guys xx

He doesn’t have any right but if he’s seeing it as “doing you a favour” then if you say no, he may well expect you to share transport. CMS will sort out correct amounts but it will be based on the amount of nights spent with each parent, and his income (not the income of any additional adult in the house either)

Rxt156 · Jun 27, 2023

stardust1 said:
personally i don’t think she should contribute towards the mortgage if he has his own bills and has your son 3 days i feel that is fair enough. The issue with doing the official claim is they might say he owes even less than he usually pays. My friends ex partner pays £7.77 a week

in terms of petrol to drop him home, he is being a wanker there.

£7 a week what on earth

shadowcat5 · Jun 27, 2023

Rxt156 said:
£7 a week what on earth

my dad was ordered to pay £11.65 a week (this was in 2008). You’d be surprised

Vinegar Lips · Jun 27, 2023

Thanks all.
I mentioned the mortgage as more of an example to him as to why I wanted him to do a recalculation, and that was all I was asking him to do, which he refused. I guess I felt that I had no choice but to contact the CMS as I felt like I wasn’t being listened to and being spoken to in an aggressive way. I of course fully accept that they might come back with the same or even a less amount.
I don’t drive so I feel he is using this fact to be a petty bastard which most of you realise (phew).

littlepup · Jun 28, 2023

Vinegar Lips said:
Thanks all.
I mentioned the mortgage as more of an example to him as to why I wanted him to do a recalculation, and that was all I was asking him to do, which he refused. I guess I felt that I had no choice but to contact the CMS as I felt like I wasn’t being listened to and being spoken to in an aggressive way. I of course fully accept that they might come back with the same or even a less amount.
I don’t drive so I feel he is using this fact to be a petty bastard which most of you realise (phew).

Pay the mileage. It’s about £1 a week, just so he doesn’t hold it over you.

I don’t know how they work out things like a mortgage increase but I think it’s all worked fairly to ensure someone doesn’t go and buy a lavish, expensive house and expect an ex to contribute on an average housing cost. The way I understood it (and it may be wrong) is that he has to pay half of what it costs to house your child over and above what it would cost you as a single person. Deduct from that his 3 nights a week and I don’t think you’ll see very much contribution to the mortgage at all. Let’s say a one bed would be £500/mth but a 2 bed is £750 - he would owe 1/2 of the £250 extra. However he has the child for 3 nights so depending when he collects and drops them, he might not own anything at all.
There are online checkers you could have a look at.

JoeBloggs · Jun 28, 2023

Vinegar Lips said:
Thanks all.
I mentioned the mortgage as more of an example to him as to why I wanted him to do a recalculation, and that was all I was asking him to do, which he refused. I guess I felt that I had no choice but to contact the CMS as I felt like I wasn’t being listened to and being spoken to in an aggressive way. I of course fully accept that they might come back with the same or even a less amount.
I don’t drive so I feel he is using this fact to be a petty bastard which most of you realise (phew).

Looking at if from the other side I can see why he’s cross, you’ve rocked the boat. Your increased costs are not his fault, nor are they due to more costs for your son they are just the current state of things and he is likely to be experiencing the same. You both have him nearly 50/50 so really he’s paying his fair share when he’s with him and should only be helping to cover other costs (uniform etc). If you had him the majority of the time that would be different. Also if he’s doing all the driving then while it’s petty it is costing him money. If you’re expecting him to cover more of your costs then he should be due the same.

petitspois · Jun 28, 2023

Vinegar Lips said:
Thanks all.
I mentioned the mortgage as more of an example to him as to why I wanted him to do a recalculation, and that was all I was asking him to do, which he refused. I guess I felt that I had no choice but to contact the CMS as I felt like I wasn’t being listened to and being spoken to in an aggressive way. I of course fully accept that they might come back with the same or even a less amount.
I don’t drive so I feel he is using this fact to be a petty bastard which most of you realise (phew).

I think I'd send a well thought out text backtracking to be honest. This could really backfire. It's a myth that fathers are liable for a certain percentage of living costs. It's all dependent upon how many nights your child is with his Dad, his income and how many other children he has. There's a really easy calculator online that will tell you how much you would get going via CMS in about 60 seconds.
The most you'd probably be adding is about £30 and is that worth it for his attitude?

The advice thread for random problems #3

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