Teenager boyfriend/girl sleepovers

[unidentified]

Hi all, I’m looking to see if it just me that thinks this way and I’m being an overprotective parent.
My daughter is 15 and her boyfriend 14 and when she was with her dad he let the boyfriend sleepover. I was not comfortable with this in the slightest and when I found out said no to it happening again. When she was next at her dads they lied to me (he encouraged my daughter to also lie) and said she was at his when in fact she had slept at the boyfriends. I’ve since spoken to the boyfriends mum and said I am not comfortable with the sleepovers so I’m coming to you mum to mum that if they’re suggested it’s a no. I didn’t think it was unreasonable at all. They have been together 3 months which I know is forever in teenage time but the reality is different. I am also conscious that teenagers have hormones running crazy through their bodies and my daughter has been open in saying she is not ready for anything and I am worried that she would feel some pressure if they’re in that situation. Yes I don’t want to be dealing with a potential pregnancy but I want her to be safe emotionally too.
I had thought that my decision was more than reasonable for no sleepovers at this age. However, my friends son has his first girlfriend (he is 14) and she’s said that once she meets the parents she isn’t adverse to it (they’ve been together a week). Is it me being a crazy overprotective parent that needs to relax a little or what are others thoughts?

 

[Keera]

I am not a parent so sorry I’m advance but I AM a woman whose parents allowed the sleepovers with my first boyfriend way back when I was 15 and he 14. We also started having sex around that time which I really regret (not at the time but now I’m older I see that actually we were much too young for all the emotions and potential issues that come along with it).
teenagers will find a way to do all sorts whether they stay overnight together or not but I genuinely wish I had been given more of a curfew (home by 10/11 or whatever) as I think the relationship would have remained a “teenage relationship” and not an adult one as obviously neither of us had the emotional maturity to deal with that. We ended up spending way too much time together (at his - where his mum worked shifts/was single and out herself a lot and so we basically played house for about 4 years), to the detriment of our other friendships and teenage life.

IMO there’s just no need for sleepovers - they aren’t dating at bars and restaurants so staying together as it’s too late/alcohol has been taken and at that age majority of relationships are within the same town or school catchment so long travel isn’t an issue.

sorry I can’t give advice from a parental perspective but from a daughter who had the opposite I can tell you your daughter might be unhappy/angry but in a few years she will appreciate and realise you were right.

you also sound a lovely mum given that your daughter has been open with you about her private life - since you have a good relationship with her I’m sure the channels are already open to having an honest chat about the concern you have.

 

[Bubbledoggyyeah]

If you’re worried to allow sleepovers because they may have sex, they’ll just find somewhere else to have sex. I’d rather it be under my roof and not some alleyway somewhere. Also the more you push against it, the less they’ll come to you with any issues or worries. Educate your daughter on safe sex, be an open and honest space for conversation and be safe in the knowledge you’re a good mum. You push against it, it’ll happen anyway and you’ll be none the wiser.

 

[shadowcat5]

Christ on a cracker that's a tough one. I'm not a parent but I do think 3 months is way too soon either way, I don't think I'd be comfortable having a sleep over after 3 months as an adult

My bigger concern is that her dad is encouraging her to lie. I think that needs addessing before anything else.

If she's open about not wanting anything then I think you need to lean on that and have a discussion about what 'wanting it' and being ready for her will look like. It's a tricky one because it may not be on her radar (it wasn't when I was that age) but this may be pushing it onto her radar. I would also ask her what she likes about her boyfriend and have a discussion on safety in relationships and what she thinks a relationship at her age should look like. No lecture, just a genuine question. I think it might help to get an idea of where her head is at and listen from a teen perspective. I think it's really easy for us adults to look at kids and apply an adult lens to the situation when often, they aren't developed enough to have that thought process yet.

ETA: I also think it depends on the emotional maturity of your daughter and her BF. Some teens are so switched on it's like talking to an adult, and others are not so much so I think that is important.

 

[Snippysnips]

My aunt was in this stage as well with being usure with letting my cousin have her bf stay over, she an the bf are both 14, she really didn't want the bf over but my cousin was going to his as his parents didn't bother

The compromise was that she went to bed an the bf slept on the sofa, they could stay up an watch films or whatever but they were not allowed to fall asleep together, she also had a very stern talk about sex an made sure to talk to her about it an why you need to be an adult an such an when the time comes when she is an adult how to be safe

I think the more you push teens the more they will go against you, I think a talk with her dad is in order though, he should not be encouraging her to lie an it's out of order really, both parents need to be on board an it's not right he's letting her get away with whatever an lying about it

 

[Megansnarkle]

If you’re worried to allow sleepovers because they may have sex, they’ll just find somewhere else to have sex. I’d rather it be under my roof and not some alleyway somewhere. Also the more you push against it, the less they’ll come to you with any issues or worries. Educate your daughter on safe sex, be an open and honest space for conversation and be safe in the knowledge you’re a good mum. You push against it, it’ll happen anyway and you’ll be none the wiser.

This. If they really want to they'll find the time and place, whether that's half an hour when nobody is in the house, at some house party or in a park somewhere.

 

[unidentified]

Thank you for the replies.

Yes, the dad situation is not a nice one. We’ve got on for 15 years and it all crashed when this happened and he told me he doesn’t care about my feelings nor respects me as her mum. Not sure how we move forward in that but my daughter and I had a long discussion about that. She wants sleepovers to spend more time with him not for anything else which I totally get. We talk a lot about safe sex but also about being emotionally ready. Her last boyfriend and her had a bit of a fondle and she told him to stop because she wasn’t ready, he did and I was so proud of that situation. That she recognised it and he respected her. She was open with me and I explained how it’s normal to get caught up in moments but what is so important is that she vocalised how she felt and but a stop to it. I’m also really open in discussing masturbation. I explain how it is nothing to be ashamed of and we should know what we like and enjoy ourselves before a man tries to show us and then you can explain what feels good and what doesn’t (fully believe more women need to do this). I am lucky with my daughter and I know there’s noway she would be having sex down an alley etc or finding anywhere to do it. She’s not a ‘typical’ teenager stereotype. She’s in bed for 9:30 every night and struggles socialising after school because (in her words) her social battery is empty. We’re going through an assessment for autism and although she would be deemed highly functioning those difficulties are still there. I think to me, bedtime is a really intimate and personal part of the day and when that person is there there’s no escape if you did feel you need it.

 

[Web30]

I'd be fine with it in a longer relationship but not after 3 months.

 

[Kikidoyouloveme]

No real advice - just wanted to drop in and say what a lovely mom you are, it must be really tough but it sounds like you have a really strong, open relationship with your daughter and I hope you can navigate this little road bump

 

[Hinchhater1442]

Curious how far she is off turning 16? As the reality is in the not too distant future she is considered old enough to have sex regardless. I think for most parents, sex isn’t the issue, perhaps more the fear of them being unsafe? But I can’t speak for you there.
She seems mature enough if she’s said no before in sexual situations, and sounds like she’s very open and honest with you about her experiences. If, for example, you were to have to worry about this boyfriend not being so respectful if she said no, would you not rather you be close by so she feels safe enough to come straight to you?
My dad had a 6 month rule, so if the relationship lasted that long then sleepovers allowed dependant on the ages, but I was 16 before I ever bought a boy home but then it didn’t stop us having sex at home during the day when my parents were out so I don’t know if it would have made a difference either way!

 

[unidentified]

Ah thank you so much for the lovely comments. She’s my absolute world and it’s such a difficult age of parenting. I’m definitely finding this the toughest. Possibly not helped by the fact I’ve lost my mum so I haven’t got her to go to for advice either. Plus I was a boring teenager (and even more boring adult ) and didn’t have a boyfriend until I was nearly 17. She’s 16 in a few months so I know that reality is there but it definitely her emotional safety I worry about. I’d feel happier if it was all in my house so I was here. I worry if this happens when I’ve been away for the weekend at work and I’m not present for her if she needs me. I definitely don’t want a pregnancy but wary of pumping her full of hormones if she doesn’t need them but that’s a whole other issue.

 

[Deeznutslol]

I find it quite creepy that your ex is encouraging a sleepover between a 14 and 15 year old boy and girl, and then encouraging her to lie about it to her mum! Sounds like he’s using her as a way of getting to you

 

[unidentified]

I find it quite creepy that your ex is encouraging a sleepover between a 14 and 15 year old boy and girl, and then encouraging her to lie about it to her mum! Sounds like he’s using her as a way of getting to you

Sad thing is I know it is 100% lazy parenting.

 

[Blondie]

I think you're teaching your daughter very well and she will make good choices because of it.
Have faith in yourself too.

Its difficult when others parent differently, it makes you think you're doing something wrong, but you're not. It's different choices and whatever your choice, it will be right because you know your daughter best.

 

[J3N1800]

You're a good mum.
Sorry that your ex didn't respect your boundaries that were set around sleepovers and encouraged your daughter to lie.
I don't know the solution, sorry - but think discussions need to be had. Could you raise your concerns about your daughters mental health, autism ect so your ex understands your POV?

 

[MrsLucas]

Im a mum of 3 girls my eldest is 13 she turns 14 in June. My god honestly this is something I know will be coming in the future for us and I dread it. I haven’t been there yet but I know when I was 14 my mum let my bf stay over. I won’t be doing the same. Me and my husband have both agreed that if she’s been in a relationship long enough when she’s of age. It’s a hard one though unless you are actually going through. There’s been certain things I always used to say ‘oh no never would I let her’ but we have. I was quite surprised to read how her dads been usually it’s the dads that will not allow it to happen.

 

[Rxt156]

It sounds like you are a really good parent (shame it seems her dad is a total bum). I think it’s uncommon to have such open chats about sex and relationships with parents. I certainly never did and my friends didn’t either.
Everyone else is right saying that they’ll find a way to do things if it’s what they want. Surely better to be in your house and safe. Not in a park or something?

 

[Kaylarina]

My little girl is only 11 months so I've got a while until I get to this point but honestly, I think I would let him stay over, with certain conditions in place - a detailed sex, STI/STD talk, contraception etc and the bedroom door always staying open.


Someone I went to school with had baby early (think she was 15) and someone asked her mum how did it happen when you didn't let him stay over. Her answer was "you don't need a bed to have sex" which has always stuck to me. if they are going to do it, they will do it whether, I'd much prefer it to happen in a safe place then anywhere else.

 

[Sunflower91]

I’m not a parent myself but from my own experience I was never allowed sleepovers. I didn’t sleep over with a boyfriend until I was 18 after both my mum and dad agreed it was okay (main concern being we’d only been together a couple of months). That didn’t stop me sleeping with a previous boyfriend at 15- we just found other ways to get around it. But it’s something I do regret.

It’s tricky because sex is often a bit of an embarrassing conversation with an adult when you’re a teen- in my house we didn’t talk about it at all other than the contraception talk and sex just sounds risky and mysterious. I do think sometimes when things are approached in a “don’t do it” way it makes it all the more attractive. Is there a way of approaching it differently like “hey, I don’t feel comfortable with your bf sleeping over because I’m worried it will lead to sex. I trust you to make safe decisions but I care about you and don’t want you to make a hasty decision you might regret, especially if you’re feeling pressured to have sex.” That way you’re opening up space for her to talk to you without judgement and without it looking like you’re saying no and shutting it down.

 

[Kim Mild]

This has never come up with us ( my teen is now over the age of consent) . I absolutely detest sleepovers and having house guests so I'm not in favour of them any way . So no , I wouldn't want them staying in my house.

However, I do believe that teens will have sex whether they sleep over or not . It only takes a short while in an afternoon. Parents trying to prevent any intimacy between teens just leads them to be determined, and more sneaky.