Support for anyone that needs to vent #4

[really_whythough]

Thank you.

Yes, it really helped. Your post really helped me gain some perspective and made me look at things with a bit more empathy. Thank you

I too moved abroad at a young age and I can remember those initial days of getting settled in. It’s a lot and the novelty of it all may make you a bit forgetful as there’s so much to absorb.

Thank you

Oh I’m so glad. Well done for venting here rather than putting it straight on them. Excellent elder sibling skills!

I’m sure the two of you will have an amazing time together. Come back and tell us how it went?!

 

[TheGlossy]

Oh I’m so glad. Well done for venting here rather than putting it straight on them. Excellent elder sibling skills!

I’m sure the two of you will have an amazing time together. Come back and tell us how it went?!

Thank you so much! Yes, I’ll come back to tell how it went

 

[Aliceegordo]

Hi everyone,
Bit of a long-winded one I apologise! I've (F27) been with my current boyfriend (M27) for around a year and we've just bought a house together. My family and my friends absolutely adore him and think we are perfect together. For context, my six year relationship with my ex ended pretty traumatically last year and everyone is thrilled to see me happy and being treated how I deserve, I truly have never been happier.

However, there has been an ongoing situation over a couple of months that has been upsetting me. My boyfriend and my best mate (F27) went to school together, they have known each other their whole lives. They didn't keep in touch after school but have obviously now rekindled as a result of our relationship. A few months ago on a night out, my best friend started to really criticise my boyfriends best mate and his relationship (both of whom she also went to school with). It was totally uncalled for and she should have known better than to ag off someone's best friend in front of them. My boyfriend was upset about it and had a conversation with his friend about what she'd said and he was understandably upset. We bumped into them a couple of weeks later where my best friend continued to talk about their relationship in front of him, despite me trying to change the subject a million times.

Cut to a few months later, we were on a night out (me, my best friend and my partner), when we bumped into my boyfriends best mate and his girlfriend. They ignored each other until the end of the night when they were leaving and her sister deliberately barged into my friend which was totally uncalled for. My friend was upset and my boyfriend had a frank conversation with her where he did tell her that he was upset by the comments she had made about his best friend, so he had told him and he was clearly upset by it. We were both mortified by the sister's behaviour and are in no way excusing that. My friend was grateful for the honesty, even though she was upset that he'd told his friend what she'd said (although I'd argue that if someone was saying those things about my best friend, I would also want her to know). She also made it very clear that she didn't want us to speak to the other couple about what had happened. We cleared the air and I thought the situation was in the past.

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriends best mate and his partner got engaged and they had an impromtu engagement party. I didn't tell my best friend as I didn't think she'd want to hear about two people she doesn't like getting engaged/thought she would annoyed if it looked like I was 'asking permission' to go. Cut to this weekend, when she saw photos of the party and was incredibly upset. She called me and said that if it was her, she wouldn't have gone to the party at all and that it looked like I was 'choosing' to be mates with them because that's what my boyfriend wants, despite how it makes her feel. I tried to make it very clear that I'm not 'choosing' to be friends with them, but as they are my boyfriend's best friends I am going to have to be around them. I apologised for not letting her know about the party and that I appreciated for her, it looked shady even though in that moment I really thought I was doing the right thing. By the end of the conversation, she accepted (I think) that I am going to have to see them as a result of them being my boyfriends friends and that I will be transparent about when that is happening in the future, but it doesn't mean that I'm best friends with them or excusing their behaviour.

However, as an anxious soul I feel like I'm now just constantly on edge about it all. I can totally appreciate that she is upset and her feelings are valid, but I do think she's putting me in an impossible situation. My boyfriend is here to stay and as a result, so are his friends. I will never be best friends with them but as a fact of life, I am going to have to see them. We're meant to be going up to Manchester for their actual engagement party in a few weeks and I'm dreading telling my best friend in case she falls out with me again.

Any advice on how you would handle this/how I can stop feeling so anxious about this situation would be really appreciated!!

TLDR: Best friend making me feel guilty for spending time with boyfriends friends

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Hi everyone,
Bit of a long-winded one I apologise! I've (F27) been with my current boyfriend (M27) for around a year and we've just bought a house together. My family and my friends absolutely adore him and think we are perfect together. For context, my six year relationship with my ex ended pretty traumatically last year and everyone is thrilled to see me happy and being treated how I deserve, I truly have never been happier.

However, there has been an ongoing situation over a couple of months that has been upsetting me. My boyfriend and my best mate (F27) went to school together, they have known each other their whole lives. They didn't keep in touch after school but have obviously now rekindled as a result of our relationship. A few months ago on a night out, my best friend started to really criticise my boyfriends best mate and his relationship (both of whom she also went to school with). It was totally uncalled for and she should have known better than to ag off someone's best friend in front of them. My boyfriend was upset about it and had a conversation with his friend about what she'd said and he was understandably upset. We bumped into them a couple of weeks later where my best friend continued to talk about their relationship in front of him, despite me trying to change the subject a million times.

Cut to a few months later, we were on a night out (me, my best friend and my partner), when we bumped into my boyfriends best mate and his girlfriend. They ignored each other until the end of the night when they were leaving and her sister deliberately barged into my friend which was totally uncalled for. My friend was upset and my boyfriend had a frank conversation with her where he did tell her that he was upset by the comments she had made about his best friend, so he had told him and he was clearly upset by it. We were both mortified by the sister's behaviour and are in no way excusing that. My friend was grateful for the honesty, even though she was upset that he'd told his friend what she'd said (although I'd argue that if someone was saying those things about my best friend, I would also want her to know). She also made it very clear that she didn't want us to speak to the other couple about what had happened. We cleared the air and I thought the situation was in the past.

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriends best mate and his partner got engaged and they had an impromtu engagement party. I didn't tell my best friend as I didn't think she'd want to hear about two people she doesn't like getting engaged/thought she would annoyed if it looked like I was 'asking permission' to go. Cut to this weekend, when she saw photos of the party and was incredibly upset. She called me and said that if it was her, she wouldn't have gone to the party at all and that it looked like I was 'choosing' to be mates with them because that's what my boyfriend wants, despite how it makes her feel. I tried to make it very clear that I'm not 'choosing' to be friends with them, but as they are my boyfriend's best friends I am going to have to be around them. I apologised for not letting her know about the party and that I appreciated for her, it looked shady even though in that moment I really thought I was doing the right thing. By the end of the conversation, she accepted (I think) that I am going to have to see them as a result of them being my boyfriends friends and that I will be transparent about when that is happening in the future, but it doesn't mean that I'm best friends with them or excusing their behaviour.

However, as an anxious soul I feel like I'm now just constantly on edge about it all. I can totally appreciate that she is upset and her feelings are valid, but I do think she's putting me in an impossible situation. My boyfriend is here to stay and as a result, so are his friends. I will never be best friends with them but as a fact of life, I am going to have to see them. We're meant to be going up to Manchester for their actual engagement party in a few weeks and I'm dreading telling my best friend in case she falls out with me again.

Any advice on how you would handle this/how I can stop feeling so anxious about this situation would be really appreciated!!

TLDR: Best friend making me feel guilty for spending time with boyfriends friends

Didn't you post all of this before?

 

[Aliceegordo]

Didn't you post all of this before?

Oh I'm actually so thick - I meant to paste with a new bit at the top with an update Sorry!

UPDATE: Things have been much better with my best friend, her and my boyfriend have been getting on great. However...we've now been invited to the actual engagement party for his best friend and fiancee (who the post above is about) and I'm struggling to know how to navigate it with my best friend. I don't want to not go to the party, as it's my boyfriends best mate and he is a groomsman at the wedding. But I am dreading telling my best friend in case she falls out with me again. I feel like our last convo ended in a good place, with her saying that she understands that I'm going to have to see them but I'm not sure if me actively going to their engagement party is a bit seperate to that... Advice please??

 

[WeHadFunRight]

Oh I'm actually so thick - I meant to paste with a new bit at the top with an update Sorry!

UPDATE: Things have been much better with my best friend, her and my boyfriend have been getting on great. However...we've now been invited to the actual engagement party for his best friend and fiancee (who the post above is about) and I'm struggling to know how to navigate it with my best friend. I don't want to not go to the party, as it's my boyfriends best mate and he is a groomsman at the wedding. But I am dreading telling my best friend in case she falls out with me again. I feel like our last convo ended in a good place, with her saying that she understands that I'm going to have to see them but I'm not sure if me actively going to their engagement party is a bit seperate to that... Advice please??

Not sure why you need permission from your friend to go about your life? It’s got nothing to do with her whether you go to a party or not.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Oh I'm actually so thick - I meant to paste with a new bit at the top with an update Sorry!

UPDATE: Things have been much better with my best friend, her and my boyfriend have been getting on great. However...we've now been invited to the actual engagement party for his best friend and fiancee (who the post above is about) and I'm struggling to know how to navigate it with my best friend. I don't want to not go to the party, as it's my boyfriends best mate and he is a groomsman at the wedding. But I am dreading telling my best friend in case she falls out with me again. I feel like our last convo ended in a good place, with her saying that she understands that I'm going to have to see them but I'm not sure if me actively going to their engagement party is a bit seperate to that... Advice please??

I think most of the advice you received before still stands. You’re grownups. She doesn’t have to like your other friends but she needs to accept it. And if she can’t you need to consider if this friendship had run it’s course

 

[tomato_paste]

Oh I'm actually so thick - I meant to paste with a new bit at the top with an update Sorry!

UPDATE: Things have been much better with my best friend, her and my boyfriend have been getting on great. However...we've now been invited to the actual engagement party for his best friend and fiancee (who the post above is about) and I'm struggling to know how to navigate it with my best friend. I don't want to not go to the party, as it's my boyfriends best mate and he is a groomsman at the wedding. But I am dreading telling my best friend in case she falls out with me again. I feel like our last convo ended in a good place, with her saying that she understands that I'm going to have to see them but I'm not sure if me actively going to their engagement party is a bit seperate to that... Advice please??

Why do you need to tell her in the first place? Stop giving into her emotional manipulation and draw some boundaries - as I've said before, unless these people have done something terrible to her which you said they didn't, there is no reason to "take sides" where there aren't any.

Honestly the nerve of her to be upset with you for living your life.

 

[Aliceegordo]

Why do you need to tell her in the first place? Stop giving into her emotional manipulation and draw some boundaries - as I've said before, unless these people have done something terrible to her which you said they didn't, there is no reason to "take sides" where there aren't any.

Honestly the nerve of her to be upset with you for living your life.

You're very right - I do need to be better at not letting her emotions dictate my own. I do want to tell her that I'm going, last time she was upset that she had to find out I went via Facebook... I know there will probably be photos online, plus all our friendship group has each others locations so I'd end up getting caught out and I'd rather give her the heads up rather than feeling like I was sneaking around (Even though I know I'm not doing anything wrong)

 

[tomato_paste]

You're very right - I do need to be better at not letting her emotions dictate my own. I do want to tell her that I'm going, last time she was upset that she had to find out I went via Facebook... I know there will probably be photos online, plus all our friendship group has each others locations so I'd end up getting caught out and I'd rather give her the heads up rather than feeling like I was sneaking around (Even though I know I'm not doing anything wrong)

You don't need to tell her, and if she's upset that you're going and you haven't told her, that's a HER problem not a you problem. It's none of her business what you do with your free time, and however much or little you are willing to share with her is a privilege not a bleeping right. Why was she even upset in the first place? Sorry, but finding out on Facebook you went some place with some people she disapproves of is so high school. Also, I'm very curious to hear what her actual goal is here - does she want you to stop hanging out with those people, or does she want to be included in the group? I'm sure she doesn't know either and is simply caught in a drama loop.

You know what adults do when people they like hang out with people they dislike? They don't care. They do nothing, politely ignore it, maybe say "I don't want to talk about those people" if it's a strong conflict, and they move the duck on. Do you think I like every single one of my friend's friends? Nah babes, I don't, but it's none of my bleeping business who my friends hang out with. As long as they're decent people in principle, I don't give a tit.

 

[TheGlossy]

I’m here to complain about another sibling

I have a younger sister who has changed major 4 times since 2022. Every single major, she hates. She had her 3rd first day of 1st year yesterday, and after 4h of orientation she decided she doesn’t like the course or the school. Classes haven’t even started yet.

She texted me yesterday saying she’s lost in life and doesn’t like her new major. I spoke to her a month ago when she was deciding to switch majors and she said she hated her previous one despite successfully completing her 1st year. Prior to that, she’d dropped out of another major after 3 weeks and another one after 3 months.

She’s literally tried every major there is (Business, Arts, Linguistics).

I asked her what is it she doesn’t like about this new major, never got a response. Honestly, at this point, it’s not about the major anymore. She needs to look deep inside and figure out what’s going on. No one loves every module of their major, but they stick to it regardless. No one can choose a major for her.

I legit don’t know how to help her. My other sister seems to want to try and help her, but I’m honestly worried about this situation.

 

[Renegade]

I need some reassurance here… my sister, brother and I are each godparent to the 3 grandchildren in our family. I have just had a baby (grandchild #4) and asked my sister in law (brother’s wife) to be godmother. My sister found out today and made me feel truly horrible about it. She basically said she expected me to choose her.

I am not godmother to her child, nor would I ever have expected to be, let alone comment on not being asked. I am a chronic people pleaser and feel incredibly anxious about having hurt her feelings and feel terrible about something that is ultimately my husband and I’s decision. We wanted to spread the love and my SIL and I are very close . My sister seems to have a way of ruining everything with her victim mentality, hate that she has made me so upset.. am I wrong?

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I’m here to complain about another sibling

I have a younger sister who has changed major 4 times since 2022. Every single major, she hates. She had her 3rd first day of 1st year yesterday, and after 4h of orientation she decided she doesn’t like the course or the school. Classes haven’t even started yet.

She texted me yesterday saying she’s lost in life and doesn’t like her new major. I spoke to her a month ago when she was deciding to switch majors and she said she hated her previous one despite successfully completing her 1st year. Prior to that, she’d dropped out of another major after 3 weeks and another one after 3 months.

She’s literally tried every major there is (Business, Arts, Linguistics).

I asked her what is it she doesn’t like about this new major, never got a response. Honestly, at this point, it’s not about the major anymore. She needs to look deep inside and figure out what’s going on. No one loves every module of their major, but they stick to it regardless. No one can choose a major for her.

I legit don’t know how to help her. My other sister seems to want to try and help her, but I’m honestly worried about this situation.

I think the issue here is that nobody has insisted that your sister sees something through to the end. Not to be rude but is she normally a bit spoilt, being the youngest?
You rightly point out that nobody love's all aspects of anything. I think it might be time that she is sat down and a good talk is had about expectations. This doesn't mean she has to continue studying but she needs to stick to something for at least a year

 

[TheGlossy]

I think the issue here is that nobody has insisted that your sister sees something through to the end. Not to be rude but is she normally a bit spoilt, being the youngest?
You rightly point out that nobody love's all aspects of anything. I think it might be time that she is sat down and a good talk is had about expectations. This doesn't mean she has to continue studying but she needs to stick to something for at least a year

Thank you.

We had a long 2h chat with herself, my other sister and I during which we both told her she has to adjust her expectations and that it’s normal she’s not going to like every module. We spoke about the topic at lengths, through all angles. I told her to do a list of pros/cons and what she likes/dislikes. We both told her she needs to stick to something.

She is definitely a bit spoilt and treated like a baby, but the spoilt days are gone. When my dad passed years ago, my mother’s income shrunk as a result and she doesn’t have the means to take care of a grown adult which should have in itself made my sister come to the realization she needs to get her education sorted to get a job and earn a living asap.

As much as I’d like to help her, I may no longer get involved because I got involved this one time and she’s still complaining.

 

[emmer_moans]

I’m here to complain about another sibling

I have a younger sister who has changed major 4 times since 2022. Every single major, she hates. She had her 3rd first day of 1st year yesterday, and after 4h of orientation she decided she doesn’t like the course or the school. Classes haven’t even started yet.

She texted me yesterday saying she’s lost in life and doesn’t like her new major. I spoke to her a month ago when she was deciding to switch majors and she said she hated her previous one despite successfully completing her 1st year. Prior to that, she’d dropped out of another major after 3 weeks and another one after 3 months.

She’s literally tried every major there is (Business, Arts, Linguistics).

I asked her what is it she doesn’t like about this new major, never got a response. Honestly, at this point, it’s not about the major anymore. She needs to look deep inside and figure out what’s going on. No one loves every module of their major, but they stick to it regardless. No one can choose a major for her.

I legit don’t know how to help her. My other sister seems to want to try and help her, but I’m honestly worried about this situation.

Honestly, she might need to decide if college is even hat she wants to do, perhaps the indecision over the majors so much could be due to deep down not wanting to be there at all? It's possible... but equally she may also need to just choose something and stick to it as most degrees can be a bit of a hard slog. Even doing English Literature for me sucked some of the joy out of reading for a long while but the degree overall gave me some skills that have been useful. Maybe she needs to focus on the end prize of graduating rather than focusing on loving every aspect of every module.
---

I need some reassurance here… my sister, brother and I are each godparent to the 3 grandchildren in our family. I have just had a baby (grandchild #4) and asked my sister in law (brother’s wife) to be godmother. My sister found out today and made me feel truly horrible about it. She basically said she expected me to choose her.

I am not godmother to her child, nor would I ever have expected to be, let alone comment on not being asked. I am a chronic people pleaser and feel incredibly anxious about having hurt her feelings and feel terrible about something that is ultimately my husband and I’s decision. We wanted to spread the love and my SIL and I are very close . My sister seems to have a way of ruining everything with her victim mentality, hate that she has made me so upset.. am I wrong?

I don't think you are wrong, it's your choice and it sounds like the sister is being unkind and ruining it for you.

 

[really_whythough]

I need some reassurance here… my sister, brother and I are each godparent to the 3 grandchildren in our family. I have just had a baby (grandchild #4) and asked my sister in law (brother’s wife) to be godmother. My sister found out today and made me feel truly horrible about it. She basically said she expected me to choose her.

I am not godmother to her child, nor would I ever have expected to be, let alone comment on not being asked. I am a chronic people pleaser and feel incredibly anxious about having hurt her feelings and feel terrible about something that is ultimately my husband and I’s decision. We wanted to spread the love and my SIL and I are very close . My sister seems to have a way of ruining everything with her victim mentality, hate that she has made me so upset.. am I wrong?

You are in no way wrong. If your sister is choosing to not only have that reaction but pass it on to you and upset you, that’s on her.

Keep focused on the joy of having your son and let the SIL/Godmother prove to you that you made the right choice. I’m sure she will and your sister might even come around and calm down once you haven’t risen to her tantrum.
---

Thank you.

We had a long 2h chat with herself, my other sister and I during which we both told her she has to adjust her expectations and that it’s normal she’s not going to like every module. We spoke about the topic at lengths, through all angles. I told her to do a list of pros/cons and what she likes/dislikes. We both told her she needs to stick to something.

She is definitely a bit spoilt and treated like a baby, but the spoilt days are gone. When my dad passed years ago, my mother’s income shrunk as a result and she doesn’t have the means to take care of a grown adult which should have in itself made my sister come to the realization she needs to get her education sorted to get a job and earn a living asap.

As much as I’d like to help her, I may no longer get involved because I got involved this one time and she’s still complaining.

I’m not sure what country she is studying in but in the U.K. at least, repeating uni years would be so expensive to then not end up with a degree. If it’s costing a lot for her to keep attending, maybe she’d be better off starting with a job and finding her path while being paid, rather than paying a lot in tuition fees?

 

[emmer_moans]

Thanks. She’s not based in UK. College is pretty much free where she lives (except for some specific courses), so she can switch majors as many times as she’d like. The pressure isn’t so much to do with tuition since there’s none but the fact that the longer she keeps switching majors, the longer it will take for her to gain her independence.

I spoke to her and I’m not particularly fond of the reasons why she does not like her new course. She said it’s because her peers are ‘far too different’ and she felt isolated. Yet, when I spoke to her a month ago about her last major where she completed year 1 before switching, she said she had no friends there and only took the course because she was I interested in learning a language but she hates studying it.

She also dropped out of another course to go to a college where people were more like her and she dropped out.

It sounds to me like she’s having a serious identity crisis if all she’s focused on is being with like minded people either through modules or her peers instead of focusing on the actual purpose of the course.

I told her she needs to do some introspection and really assess what she’s looking for in a major. I also highlighted to her that college and work will inevitably lead to her meeting new people from all parts of life, so if she’s looking for exact clones of herself, she might need to rethink her approach. I think she’s refusing to see beyond her own bubble which is seriously hindering her.

It does sound like she doesn't yet realise that once you leave the education bubble, your colleagues will be a mixed bag of characters of all walks of life, plus people you become friends with might be completely different to you. Perhaps once she finds something she actually wants to do, then that will click for her, but until then it seems like she's floating around looking for an identity. Even if the tuition is free, if she's not drawn to any of the courses then maybe she needs to consider getting some work experience instead, something to commit to for a bit.

 

[tomato_paste]

I don’t know what was wrong with me.

I came back from my trip where I went to see my other sister halfway across the world. We had a great time and get along seamlessly. It was my first time over there and I felt a bit disoriented at first, but it was nice.

I returned to work and have been in a horrific mood ever since. Not one person asked me how my trip was when I dialled into my first team call on Monday (not even my manager who claims to be all about people), worse some of them pinged me to talk about their personal problems instead. I always ask people about their breaks but never get the same courtesy back. Then, I got wind the golden child of the team got recognition for a piece of work I substantially helped on and I got nothing.

Last but not least, I got reminded of the lack of progression prospect in my current role of 2.5 years. I’ve honestly been in the worst of moods since I got back to work wondering what I’m doing with my life.

It's frustrating when you're not getting back the same energy as you're putting in, and from what you're saying it's pretty clear that they're more than happy to take, but not give in return. It might always have been this way but since you had a brain reset, it only hits you now? So, I would make sure to stop giving, slowly but surely, and then go looking for new challenges with a company that fits you better - or you could adjust your expectations at work and decide to leave the personal at home. It's your choice, really, I know plenty of people on both sides of the fence, and whatever works for you is fine. Just figure out what counts for you and then make it happen.