Single by Choice

[qqwertyy]

I’m really not anti-relationships, I’d love to meet someone. But based the experiences I’ve had and the experiences my friends and family have had, the older I get the more certain I am that I’d rather be single than with at best a useless emotionally immature manbaby and at worst an abuser.

The crap some women put up with just because it’s better(?) or easier(?) than being single shocks me. And actually the fact that society considers people in relationships more successful in this imaginary game of life is what annoys me most.

 

[Lalla]

I’m really not anti-relationships, I’d love to meet someone. But based the experiences I’ve had and the experiences my friends and family have had, the older I get the more certain I am that I’d rather be single than with at best a useless emotionally immature manbaby and at worst an abuser.

The crap some women put up with just because it’s better(?) or easier(?) than being single shocks me. And actually the fact that society considers people in relationships more successful in this imaginary game of life is what annoys me most.

I completely agree with all of this!

Like you, I'd like to meet someone, albeit my chances of meeting anyone are very low for many reasons (I'm slightly envious of women who readily fall into relationships, find it easy to meet men), and also because I don't want the same tit relationship that so many other women find themselves in. Or indeed the sort of relationship I've had in the past.

Equally I know that despite having a law degree, professional qualifications, raising my two sons single handed, in fact everything I've achieved is less important, less valued than a relationship. I honestly think I'd get way more congratulations and kudos from just finding a partner, let alone getting married, than anything else I could ever do

 

[Closedeyes]

This is my perfect life tbh

Academic conference, hen. Go get your ag on!!

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

For anyone who’s decentred men… do you struggle to relate to your friends who are totally male-centric? The more I decentre men the more I give an internal side eye to some of my friends who are just totally obsessed with male validation.

(I don’t mean to be smug about this at all btw - I was focused on male validation for the best years of my life (so far) and have made so many mistakes and wasted so much energy on men when I could have been doing something else. I just find it depressing seeing people I love make excuses for men and worship them unduly.)

 

[Sprezza]

For anyone who’s decentred men… do you struggle to relate to your friends who are totally male-centric? The more I decentre men the more I give an internal side eye to some of my friends who are just totally obsessed with male validation.

(I don’t mean to be smug about this at all btw - I was focused on male validation for the best years of my life (so far) and have made so many mistakes and wasted so much energy on men when I could have been doing something else. I just find it depressing seeing people I love make excuses for men and worship them unduly.)

I've always struggled to be interested in other people's relationships and love lives tbh (or my own tbh which is why I'm still single!) so I've always struggled with those conversations. I'm noticing more with my friends who are dating how unappealing it all sounds though and how one in particular doesn't seem to really be in love with her partner, she just doesn't want to be alone and have to go back on the apps. She's said as much herself. Just confirms that I'm better off out of it.

 

[monepierce]

For anyone who’s decentred men… do you struggle to relate to your friends who are totally male-centric? The more I decentre men the more I give an internal side eye to some of my friends who are just totally obsessed with male validation.

(I don’t mean to be smug about this at all btw - I was focused on male validation for the best years of my life (so far) and have made so many mistakes and wasted so much energy on men when I could have been doing something else. I just find it depressing seeing people I love make excuses for men and worship them unduly.)

I’m dealing with this at the moment. I’m ceasing contact with my cousin because all she cares about is getting a boyfriend and she’s a complete relationship hopper, and she only wants to know about your life if there’s a man involved.
and the first question she asks isn’t how’s work? any travel plans? etc. it’s always “do you have a man yet?”

I’ve dealt with a boy crazy friend in my teenage years and she had no problem throwing me under the bus at any given opportunity, didn’t think twice to embarrass me to make herself look better by comparison, fixed me up with really bad guys with bad intentions because she assumed I wanted a boyfriend too (even though I never communicated it with her) and the worst was when she left me alone on a night out and went home without calling me and left me with a dangerous and creepy guy and blamed me for getting in that situation. after that I’ve cut her off and I became so picky with who I consider a friend, even my own family.

im reminded of a scene in sex and the city when all the girls except miranda had a boyfriend and they were all giving out about their relationships and miranda couldn’t even talk to them anymore and she said “all we talk about is men. why don’t four interesting intelligent women have nothing better to talk about? what about our feelings and opinions?”and I’ve never related more

 

[Tell.A.Tale]

For anyone who’s decentred men… do you struggle to relate to your friends who are totally male-centric? The more I decentre men the more I give an internal side eye to some of my friends who are just totally obsessed with male validation.

(I don’t mean to be smug about this at all btw - I was focused on male validation for the best years of my life (so far) and have made so many mistakes and wasted so much energy on men when I could have been doing something else. I just find it depressing seeing people I love make excuses for men and worship them unduly.)

I struggle (full stop) with people not understanding that I am really ok single. I briefly dated for 3 months this year (after being single for 4 years), and guess what - I hated it. For so many reasons but mainly it disturbed my balance and peace. I like my alone time, I like making my own rules, I like not having to consider anyone else’s emotions or moods. All the positives that we all discuss on this thread.

The 3 month toe tip into dating just validated 100% that I *want* to be single - but genuinely all of my coupled friends were disappointed it didn’t work out. This was not just friends who centre men in their lives. My best friends are a gay (female) couple and when I tried to explain it was the last time I ever intended to date I was met with “we just want you to be happy” and “but everyone wants to be loved.”

I’ve come to the conclusion that no one in a relationship will ever understand us / try to understand us or admit that they understand us but are not as brave as us

 

[TheLearningChannel]

Delighted to read this thread. I'm single a long time. I'm very happy with my life. I have an excellent job, my own house, older children, lots of hobbies, friends. After years of minding small kids I now have freedom to live my life, organise my house, go where I want.
But I'm constantly asked about men. Have I found one, any news with men. I even had one acquaintance tell me that I've cut myself off from meeting anyone as I give out loner vibes. Am I not lonely. My single status has been the butt of jokes.
Honestly I'm not shut off to meeting someone but it would want to be someone very very special. Most men I know/have met are not and as someone in my fifties now, my male contemporaries are far from special (and often sadly right wing).
I'm also completely turned off by looking at friends and neighbours in relationships with/dating completely hole men.
I've heard women needing to check extremely small things with the boyfriend . Putting up with cheating, control, moods, anger, drinking. Plus the arrogance of the mediocre man.

 

[GiftedNotFree]

I love when this thread pops back up! I was at a wedding two weeks ago and honestly, I’ve never been more glad to be single. Literally every other couple I encountered there seemed miserable in one way or another. I kept on overhearing things that reaffirmed my desire to stay single — bickering, moaning about how much the other person was drinking, etc! Some women in relationships came across more like a mother figure than an equal. It’s quite sad. Obviously not every couple there was unhappy, but sometimes I do think people couple up just because it’s the social norm, rather than because it makes them happy or because they’re a compatible match.

 

[sleepflowers]

For anyone who’s decentred men… do you struggle to relate to your friends who are totally male-centric? The more I decentre men the more I give an internal side eye to some of my friends who are just totally obsessed with male validation.

(I don’t mean to be smug about this at all btw - I was focused on male validation for the best years of my life (so far) and have made so many mistakes and wasted so much energy on men when I could have been doing something else. I just find it depressing seeing people I love make excuses for men and worship them unduly.)

Yes, although I think I'm lucky in that I have a range of friends and with a lot of them they barely talk about men (even the ones who are married - those are the healthy relationships that exist!) so it's not a pressing issue for me. With a few friends I do want them to free themselves from the shackles of trying to find a man because it doesn't do them any good but they still persist because they believe they can find the mythical Good Man. A lot of them will say they don't like men etc etc but still chase them. Walk it like you talk it!

That said, I'd love to find more women around my age (the worst age for man obsession, the marriage/baby years) who do not even aspire to have a man and stay single. I'm so used to having friends for a bit then they disappear when they finally find someone.

I hope you've all seen this! It's gone mega viral, and about time these things are being said:

Is Having A Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?

“Being partnered doesn’t affirm your womanhood anymore,” writes Chanté Joseph. “It is no longer considered an achievement and, if anything, it’s become more of a flex to pronounce yourself single.’

www.vogue.co.uk

 

[Catlady1973]

hello! Didn’t know this thread existed until today. I’ve been single again now for nearly two years and have absolutely no desire to meet anyone. After years of disappointment I’m done, friends have stopped asking now if I’m looking to date
It’s just so much more peaceful not having to worry if someone actually gives a toss about you, being the one to plan everything, dealing with their gross habits. I’m happy doing my own thing now.

 

[kendallroysdownfall]

It's bloody BRILLIANT isn't it? I'm 10+ years and one house move of my choice in. It just gets better and better!

 

[BanditHealer]

Dipped my toe into something this year and really wish I hadn't! I felt pressured to give more space in my life to him than I was really able to, and it still wasn't enough for him, so I ended it.

I won't be doing that again.

 

[Tell.A.Tale]

Dipped my toe into something this year and really wish I hadn't! I felt pressured to give more space in my life to him than I was really able to, and it still wasn't enough for him, so I ended it.

I won't be doing that again.

I did the same! And it was a big lesson to me. I just don’t want a relationship badly enough to give it all my free time. It affected my mental health not ever feeling like my time was own (even when not together the pressure to text and reply and sit on the phone daily). Nope - The 1st Friday night after I ended it, when I got into bed at 20:00 and scrolled what to watch on telly I was like “Yes, this is how I want to end my week - alone in bed watching whatever the duck I want to, and not having to talk to / sleep with someone”

 

[boatofbubbles]

My reason for being single is i had a pretty rough relationship with daughters dad, he was abusive but it only got physical once which is when I left. (That's when my problems "really" started). It absolutely traumatised my eldest (previous relationship) so he's dead set against me ever dating again. I dont have any intentions of anyways, I'm put off for life.
Yet all I hear is "you got to find your own happiness not just theirs(kids)" or people with "good intentions" trying to set me up with some guy (cos he seems normal). Nah that guy is great as a mate but I'm just not interested. I know it isn't just about sex but i can't even use a tampon these day let alone anything else.

 

[unidentified]

When I hear people talk about their husbands, my word, it makes me so glad I don’t have one. They sound awful! I actually struggle to see the benefits of being in a relationship. I think if I was to ever find myself in a relationship (unlikely, I have been single 11 years) I would never want to live with that person. I think it would be more along the lines of a ‘companionship’

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I've had 'the companionship ' and that was a nightmare in itself! It still involved keeping in contact and having to make time (with the underlying hope of "cuddles/sex") on his part. No siree, complete freedom from The Cloy is all I desire.

 

[freddofrog]

I feel so seen on this thread! I worry when i say these things to other people they just think im bitter but I genuinely recoil at the thought of any man touching me and from what i’ve experienced and seen from other relationships, there’s no desire in me to put myself through the bs ever again.

 

[Quattro formaggi]

I was at a do last night and every man there just made my skin crawl

 

[Tell.A.Tale]

At this point I genuinely want to look into those living together apart type communities. I think something like that would really suit me. Space to be social but equally space for myself. Anyone know what I’m talking about?