Single by Choice

[scottie84]

i think you said earlier that you identify with being demi too? (sorry if this wasn’t you ) but THIS exactly. i cannot feel an instant attraction to anyone really, i have to have some degree of feeling of what they’re like as a person and some level of slow build before i even consider it. meeting in bars doesn’t work for me and i’m not sure if i would/will ever meet a man who will go at the glacial pace i need. maybe one day!

i always like speaking to other demisexual people. it’s still so new and it’s valuable to know it’s not just me

This is 100% me. I’ve always been like this and it’s only recently I’ve kinda clicked that I’m not abnormal but in fact demi. Like you, not sure I’ll ever find anyone 1. That I like….. and 2. Go at my snails pace. If I don’t it’s not the end of the world for me. I’m 38, have a great life with lots of friends and feel pretty fulfilled. When I was younger I thought I would have children but the older I get the less I’m fussed about it. All seems like a lot of hard work and I think I’m too selfish for it.

It’s nice to hear I’m not alone!

 

[shadowcat5]

i think you said earlier that you identify with being demi too? (sorry if this wasn’t you ) but THIS exactly. i cannot feel an instant attraction to anyone really, i have to have some degree of feeling of what they’re like as a person and some level of slow build before i even consider it. meeting in bars doesn’t work for me and i’m not sure if i would/will ever meet a man who will go at the glacial pace i need. maybe one day!

i always like speaking to other demisexual people. it’s still so new and it’s valuable to know it’s not just me

im really glad we can have conversations like this. I still haven’t quite figured out what I am (im on the asexual spectrum somewhere) but hearing people talk really helps with that and making me feel like I’m normal.

maybe this is down to being autistic or whether it’s a sexuality thing or both, so I am eager to know if this is a thing other people experience on here and where better to ask I guess

i can recognise sexual attraction vs romantic attraction vs I just find you aesthetically very pleasing but that’s where it ends. I’ve never done research on it so I don’t know but I’m wondering if other people feel this way

 

[MarthaFarkus]

im really glad we can have conversations like this. I still haven’t quite figured out what I am (im on the asexual spectrum somewhere) but hearing people talk really helps with that and making me feel like I’m normal.

maybe this is down to being autistic or whether it’s a sexuality thing or both, so I am eager to know if this is a thing other people experience on here and where better to ask I guess

i can recognise sexual attraction vs romantic attraction vs I just find you aesthetically very pleasing but that’s where it ends. I’ve never done research on it so I don’t know but I’m wondering if other people feel this way

100% yes! I mentioned up thread that I can find men very attractive but that’s where it ends. I’m open to going and and doing stuff with men as a companion type thing but again, that’s where it ends. I’m being testing for adult autism but I don’t think being Ace is specifically aligned with being neurodiverse but I’m willing to bet a lot of asexuals fit that bill.

Just go with how you feel, there are no rules

 

[LaBlonde]

im really glad we can have conversations like this. I still haven’t quite figured out what I am (im on the asexual spectrum somewhere) but hearing people talk really helps with that and making me feel like I’m normal.

maybe this is down to being autistic or whether it’s a sexuality thing or both, so I am eager to know if this is a thing other people experience on here and where better to ask I guess

i can recognise sexual attraction vs romantic attraction vs I just find you aesthetically very pleasing but that’s where it ends. I’ve never done research on it so I don’t know but I’m wondering if other people feel this way

i wonder that myself! i have ocd and a few of the other ace folk i’ve spoken with definitely seem to be neurodiverse. i wonder if having some degree of anxiety or triggers plays into it in some way. i can certainly see why my ocd causes me to overthink situations like this, but also i don’t know if it necessarily causes the lack of initial attraction that i feel.

it’s weird. i can find someone aesthetically pleasing at a first glance, but that sexual attraction doesn’t even come into play until i can connect with them as a person. this is even with celebrities and such.

i’ve always had a fairly low sex drive too, and find sex in itself awkward and like i’m playing a role and get into my own head during it. admittedly i don’t know if i’ve slept with many people who i have a genuine connection with on my level or rather that i did it in relationships etc because i felt like i should and it was expected.

idk, feelings!

 

[shadowcat5]

i wonder that myself! i have ocd and a few of the other ace folk i’ve spoken with definitely seem to be neurodiverse. i wonder if having some degree of anxiety or triggers plays into it in some way. i can certainly see why my ocd causes me to overthink situations like this, but also i don’t know if it necessarily causes the lack of initial attraction that i feel.

it’s weird. i can find someone aesthetically pleasing at a first glance, but that sexual attraction doesn’t even come into play until i can connect with them as a person. this is even with celebrities and such.

i’ve always had a fairly low sex drive too, and find sex in itself awkward and like i’m playing a role and get into my own head during it. admittedly i don’t know if i’ve slept with many people who i have a genuine connection with on my level or rather that i did it in relationships etc because i felt like i should and it was expected.

idk, feelings!

100% yes! I mentioned up thread that I can find men very attractive but that’s where it ends. I’m open to going and and doing stuff with men as a companion type thing but again, that’s where it ends. I’m being testing for adult autism but I don’t think being Ace is specifically aligned with being neurodiverse but I’m willing to bet a lot of asexuals fit that bill.

Just go with how you feel, there are no rules

I just want to say quickly, I wasn't insinuating neurodiverse = ace. It was more that I was wondering as I compartmentalise everything so I wasn't sure if my splitting up of attraction was an asexual/ace thing or my autistic brain lol!

ETA: or both, or neither... you catch my drift

 

[LaBlonde]

I just want to say quickly, I wasn't insinuating neurodiverse = ace. It was more that I was wondering as I compartmentalise everything so I wasn't sure if my splitting up of attraction was an asexual/ace thing or my autistic brain lol!

ETA: or both, or neither... you catch my drift

oh dw! i think it’s a valid comparison to make in all honesty, i’ve certainly found that my ocd directly or indirectly influences it

 

[Millais]

It’s so nice to find some other people who identify as somewhere on the ace spectrum. I spent years thinking the existence of Aidan Turner had ruined men for me and made me too picky to fancy anyone in real life because normal men don’t look like Aidan Turner turns out I don’t actually fancy Aidan Turner even, he’s just nice to look at like a painting. I don’t understand the difference between romantic/sexual/aesthetic attraction at all really - like I get that your boyfriend isn’t just friend + good looking = boyfriend, but I also cannot comprehend was it is. Sometimes I think maybe I could be with someone (as long as they were fine with us never living together. I couldn’t do that) but every time I try to imagine it, I realise I’m imagining like a fictionalised version of myself in a relationship. Looking back, the signs were there. I remember playing a game in primary school that in some way involved having choose a famous person you fancy. I was absolutely baffled and my friends ended up choosing Bart Simpson for me

 

[MarthaFarkus]

I just want to say quickly, I wasn't insinuating neurodiverse = ace. It was more that I was wondering as I compartmentalise everything so I wasn't sure if my splitting up of attraction was an asexual/ace thing or my autistic brain lol!

ETA: or both, or neither... you catch my drift

Oh no, don’t worry I was just surmising. Like you say, could be either/or. Humans are complex eh

 

[Sglodion]

My next step is move back abroad and see where my feet take me

Same - I've just given notice on my tenancy this evening, although in my case it's moving abroad for the first time rather than going back. Where in the world are you headed?

 

[unidentified]

I have found my people! YES YES YES to everything that’s been said.

It is funny people have mentioned autism. This again is something I have considered of late. My sister was diagnosed earlier this year in her late 40’s and my daughter is awaiting the outcome of her assessment and as I have completed the family side of their assessments it was like this is ME. I think this links very closely with me identifying as Demisexual and needing that connection. It is strange how you also say about playing a role during sex, I too have done this in the past. Maybe oversharing here but with the men I have had sex with I always felt like I needed to play this role which meant my brain never switched off and I would never climax. There is only my ex boyfriend that ever gave me an orgasm and that it because he got my head and I got his and that sex was incredible. It was the whole feeling as one sick:) and I don’t think that helps in me never finding someone else. I can’t entertain the idea of needing to act again.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I really appreciate hearing from people explaining what it’s like to be demisexual or asexual. I can’t relate, and no-one I know talks about this in real life.

Seriously, thank you all for being so honest. In my eyes, it’s clearly just a “normal thing” now.

 

[OmgObsessed]

Was watching Euphoria and this lol. I've literally been able to have sex with every guy I ever wanted. I'm just so bored of dating and sex. Now if only my brain would catch up and stop making me have crushes. ‍

 

[Tangent Tiger]

Thanks for starting this. I don’t get romantic feelings for people hence my choice. Interested to know why others have chosen to be single

I don't either at the moment, which I do actually miss.

So many men seem to move so fast and push boundaries which I dislike. I got chatting to a bloke on a local history site (NOT a dating site!) and within 2 days he was completely full on and wanted a wild romance, then came the sex talk. He wanted to meet every day.

He startled me and I blocked him.

 

[MarthaFarkus]

I don't either at the moment, which I do actually miss.

So many men seem to move so fast and push boundaries which I dislike. I got chatting to a bloke on a local history site (NOT a dating site!) and within 2 days he was completely full on and wanted a wild romance, then came the sex talk. He wanted to meet every day.

He startled me and I blocked him.

Why do they always do that? There’s no where far enough I can run to when men do that. So annoying. Being able to have a nice chat with a guy is worth its weight in gold but it’s just so rare, they always want the pictures and the sex chat.

 

[Tangent Tiger]

Why do they always do that? There’s no where far enough I can run to when men do that. So annoying. Being able to have a nice chat with a guy is worth its weight in gold but it’s just so rare, they always want the pictures and the sex chat.

That would be nice, wouldn't it? I swear to god things have changed since I was younger, it was far more innocent then. It seems so much more permissive now. If you're up to that sort of thing, fine, but personally I'd like more of a connection if I ventured into anything again.

He also kept calling me 'dinky' and have a great body which I was askance at. Whatever happened to you have a nice smile?

 

[unidentified]

I HATE the sex chat. The second they bring up sex (usually within a few messages) I am out of there. There is so much more to me and I wanted there to be so much more to them.

 

[soph30]

I’ve always just been so picky? I’ve been attracted to like two men in my life, I’ve never been attracted to anyone on a dating app or whom I’ve met socially. I don’t get how my contemporaries are always dating and having relationships, I don’t think I’m asexual but 98% of men give me the ick and I’d honestly rather be single than have one of them, although I’d quite like someone I genuinely like

 

[Mrs Fluff]

I’ve always just been so picky? I’ve been attracted to like two men in my life, I’ve never been attracted to anyone on a dating app or whom I’ve met socially. I don’t get how my contemporaries are always dating and having relationships, I don’t think I’m asexual but 98% of men give me the ick and I’d honestly rather be single than have one of them, although I’d quite like someone I genuinely like

I just don't like the idea of waking up with anyone. Morning breath etc.

 

[newtoyou]

I just don't like the idea of waking up with anyone. Morning breath etc.

This made me laugh I saw on another thread someone saying they love the smell of men’s bodies and was just like

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I just don't like the idea of waking up with anyone. Morning breath etc.

Having to use the bathroom after them too. I just don't get how couples cope with all this!
Talking of pervy men, a friend of mine was having a chat with an apparently nice man. She couldn't believe it when he told her how fit he was, how he'd had sex last night and how sexy he found her. He's mid seventies and not a looker, quite the opposite