Single by Choice

[drewydrop]

I wouldn't say it was a choice to be single but for my entire life every person I've been attracted to or had a relationship with has been unavailable in some way, emotionally or already in a relationship. And every person who has been available and attracted to me I've had no attraction to. Ive found myself agreeing with a lot of what's been said here about treasuring alone time, not sharing bed, putting up with bad habits, and wonder if subconsciously I don't want a relationship and deliberately sabotage myself? Consciously I do want a relationship though, and would like the perks that come with being in a couple, the emotional bond, better financial status, having kids etc, but it just doesn't seem to be happening easily.

This is exactly my situation. I’ve had relationships but few and far between and deep down I know I want to be with someone but I cannot be arsed with dating. If it happens it happens but if it doesn’t I’ll be ok. I’ve been the most content with being by myself this year.

I also echo about alone time. I’ve spent all weekend by myself and it’s been great. I went on holiday back in June with a girl from my gym that I didn’t know that well. We had a great time but it was intense. I went to get cash out one night on my own and took the long route back just to be alone! I came back home and booked a solo trip to ibiza, which I went on a couple of weeks ago. I wasn’t looking forward to going as it approached as I thought I am the only person I know that goes away alone because I don’t have a partner, and I thought I’d be bored, but once I got there I had a great time. I met another woman on her own at a yoga class and we went out for food that night. Then I had a couple of drinks with an older couple on my last night. That was enough social interaction for me for the week.

I do worry that because I’m so independent (because I’ve had to be), I’m self-sabotaging or just give off a vibe that I’m not interested for any potential dates but who knows. I do get approached but just not by the people I’m interested in! I know I do have some self-esteem issues I need to overcome when it comes to dating and really struggle with the apps so I choose to be on my own.

I listened to Rylan’s episode on the Happy podcast today and he was discussing being alone as he’s always had people around him, but he’s recently been to Barcelona by himself and enjoyed it. However he and Fearne were talking about the fact that they can’t watch boxsets alone as the enjoyment is watching them with someone. If that was my thinking, I’d never watch anything!

 

[al255]

God I feel like I could have written this myself. I discovered the term demisexual this year and I feel this resonates with me perfectly.

I have been single for nearly 9 years. I had a very deep emotional connection with my ex and I’m not sure I can ever recreate that again but without that I can’t entertain the idea of being with someone.

I’ve never heard of this before, demisexual! I’m going to look it up more. I absolutely hate the idea of someone invading in my space and I love being able to come home and shut the door to everyone. I hate people coming over

 

[btw]

I’d class myself as single by choice! I have a 6 year old who I had when I was 17 with my ex (we weren’t together anymore by the birth). Our relationship was a lot at a very young age. We were together all throughout secondary school and we had a very serious and ‘adult’ relationship considering how young we were. In reflection I regret that relationship because it left me with a lot of big feelings, heart break and issues to deal with alongside becoming a single mum at such a young age.
I’ve not been interested in a relationship since becoming a mum. I’ve worked hard on myself to repair after heartbreak, continue my education / career and a lot of self growth.
The main thing I find hard is everyone else’s opinions and expectations about my dating life. Constant questions about when I’m going to find myself a boyfriend, every night out with friends is always focused on them trying to find me someone to set me up with people just find it crazy that I’m actually quite content with my life, being single and focusing on myself. I’m still working on my life and the idea of having another person to consider just freaks me out. Also the idea of dating makes me feel so awkward, especially having to consider my child.
It can be lonely at times as every single one of my friends are in a relationship so they’re often busy with their partners.

 

[shadowcat5]

I’d class myself as single by choice! I have a 6 year old who I had when I was 17 with my ex (we weren’t together anymore by the birth). Our relationship was a lot at a very young age. We were together all throughout secondary school and we had a very serious and ‘adult’ relationship considering how young we were. In reflection I regret that relationship because it left me with a lot of big feelings, heart break and issues to deal with alongside becoming a single mum at such a young age.
I’ve not been interested in a relationship since becoming a mum. I’ve worked hard on myself to repair after heartbreak, continue my education / career and a lot of self growth.
The main thing I find hard is everyone else’s opinions and expectations about my dating life. Constant questions about when I’m going to find myself a boyfriend, every night out with friends is always focused on them trying to find me someone to set me up with people just find it crazy that I’m actually quite content with my life, being single and focusing on myself. I’m still working on my life and the idea of having another person to consider just freaks me out. Also the idea of dating makes me feel so awkward, especially having to consider my child.
It can be lonely at times as every single one of my friends are in a relationship so they’re often busy with their partners.

Out of interest (and feel free to ignore this if it's too personal) - do you feel having a relationship all through secondary school changed your experiences or focussed your attention elsewhere and do you think it impacted your life now (your child aside obviously!)? I ask because, my old friends and little cousin did the same thing whereas I didn't (mostly because I was autistic and bullied so no one liked me haha) and whilst at the time it felt like I was missing out, I look back and I'm not sure if I did miss out really. So I am interested in your perspective (if you're willing to give it!)

 

[btw]

Out of interest (and feel free to ignore this if it's too personal) - do you feel having a relationship all through secondary school changed your experiences or focussed your attention elsewhere and do you think it impacted your life now (your child aside obviously!)? I ask because, my old friends and little cousin did the same thing whereas I didn't (mostly because I was autistic and bullied so no one liked me haha) and whilst at the time it felt like I was missing out, I look back and I'm not sure if I did miss out really. So I am interested in your perspective (if you're willing to give it!)

I’m more than happy to give my perspective. I 100% feel that having a long term relationship during secondary school has impacted my life. Like I said previously, it was a very mature relationship from the age of 12/13 - 17. We would see eachother every evening, stay over at eachothers houses, go on days out with both of our families, go away for family weekends away and also being sexually active from a young age. I didn’t realise it at the time, but now as an adult, I realise those intense and big feelings were just too much for two teenagers to deal with and cope with. It left me with a lot of heart break when it ended. I would say it’s also left me quite nervous about dating / new relationships because I never “flirted” and got to know other people. I was tied down to one person and reliant on that relationship during a time when I should have been exploring myself as a teenager.
I personally (I don’t want to be a controlling parent and restrict my child) but I would advise my child(ren) to enjoy being young and not to get into too serious relationships during their school age years as I just don’t think anyone is mentally mature enough for the feelings that come with it (no matter how grown up you feel at the time, you realise when your an adult how young and immature you were).
Having said that, I do believe everything happens for a reason and it’s shaped the person I am today both positively and negatively. And some people do have amazing stories of being together throughout school and staying together in a healthy relationship.
I’m still only in my early 20’s so I cannot comment on how it’s affected my relationships as an adult since I haven’t had one since my child. The main thing I would say, is I do feel like I’m more aware about what I want and need from a partner but I would say part of that is just general maturing into an adult, not necessarily purely from having a relationship during school.
Sorry I rambled on abit but I hope that helps to understand my perspective x

 

[shadowcat5]

I’m more than happy to give my perspective. I 100% feel that having a long term relationship during secondary school has impacted my life. Like I said previously, it was a very mature relationship from the age of 12/13 - 17. We would see eachother every evening, stay over at eachothers houses, go on days out with both of our families, go away for family weekends away and also being sexually active from a young age. I didn’t realise it at the time, but now as an adult, I realise those intense and big feelings were just too much for two teenagers to deal with and cope with. It left me with a lot of heart break when it ended. I would say it’s also left me quite nervous about dating / new relationships because I never “flirted” and got to know other people. I was tied down to one person and reliant on that relationship during a time when I should have been exploring myself as a teenager.
I personally (I don’t want to be a controlling parent and restrict my child) but I would advise my child(ren) to enjoy being young and not to get into too serious relationships during their school age years as I just don’t think anyone is mentally mature enough for the feelings that come with it (no matter how grown up you feel at the time, you realise when your an adult how young and immature you were).
Having said that, I do believe everything happens for a reason and it’s shaped the person I am today both positively and negatively. And some people do have amazing stories of being together throughout school and staying together in a healthy relationship.
I’m still only in my early 20’s so I cannot comment on how it’s affected my relationships as an adult since I haven’t had one since my child. The main thing I would say, is I do feel like I’m more aware about what I want and need from a partner but I would say part of that is just general maturing into an adult, not necessarily purely from having a relationship during school.
Sorry I rambled on abit but I hope that helps to understand my perspective x

Thank you so much for replying and being honest!
It really is interesting to hear another perspective xx

 

[blockbaby0]

Single women are the happiest women. It is only society and the media that tells us in order for us to be happy we have to aspire to marriage and chidren, and that if we work, we aren't truly happy as we secretly want to be at home raising children and being homemakers. No.

Dead and gone is the 1950s housewife with nothing else to do but raise children and be a maid to her husband. Live your life ladies. I am single for 6 months now and never been happier.

Slimmer, clearer headspace, focus on ME, more money the list goes on. I'm 26 and childless, I don't want children. My next step is move back abroad and see where my feet take me

 

[Mrs Fluff]

Single women are the happiest women. It is only society and the media that tells us in order for us to be happy we have to aspire to marriage and chidren, and that if we work, we aren't truly happy as we secretly want to be at home raising children and being homemakers. No.

Dead and gone is the 1950s housewife with nothing else to do but raise children and be a maid to her husband. Live your life ladies. I am single for 6 months now and never been happier.

Slimmer, clearer headspace, focus on ME, more money the list goes on. I'm 26 and childless, I don't want children. My next step is move back abroad and see where my feet take me

You remind me of me at 26. Go for it

 

[EvilJigglypuff]

I arranged a date tonight, first one in a long time. He stood me up waited in the cold for an hour. I really am better off by myself

 

[popb1tch]

I’m 44 and I’ve spent almost all of my adult life being single, bar a small number of very short >3 months relationships

When I was younger I desperately wanted a person of my own and wondered what was wrong with me (as if it wasn’t obvs)

Now I find the problem is that single men are just so thoroughly unpleasant - sex obsessed, rude, boorish, bad manners, poor personal hygiene, confusing dating with porn, no self awareness….these days I am single for my sanity

I arranged a date tonight, first one in a long time. He stood me up waited in the cold for an hour. I really am better off by myself

Shockingly bad manners

 

[LaBlonde]

I arranged a date tonight, first one in a long time. He stood me up waited in the cold for an hour. I really am better off by myself

i’m so sorry this is beyond rude - i hope you’re back in the warm now. it sounds like you had a luck escape x

 

[Thatswhattatsaid]

I arranged a date tonight, first one in a long time. He stood me up waited in the cold for an hour. I really am better off by myself

Hope you’re ok. I hate this, such a cowardly thing to do xx

 

[blockbaby0]

You remind me of me at 26. Go for it

thank you! I definitely will. Nothing here for me I feel.

 

[LaBlonde]

This is exactly my situation. I’ve had relationships but few and far between and deep down I know I want to be with someone but I cannot be arsed with dating. If it happens it happens but if it doesn’t I’ll be ok. I’ve been the most content with being by myself this year.

I also echo about alone time. I’ve spent all weekend by myself and it’s been great. I went on holiday back in June with a girl from my gym that I didn’t know that well. We had a great time but it was intense. I went to get cash out one night on my own and took the long route back just to be alone! I came back home and booked a solo trip to ibiza, which I went on a couple of weeks ago. I wasn’t looking forward to going as it approached as I thought I am the only person I know that goes away alone because I don’t have a partner, and I thought I’d be bored, but once I got there I had a great time. I met another woman on her own at a yoga class and we went out for food that night. Then I had a couple of drinks with an older couple on my last night. That was enough social interaction for me for the week.

I do worry that because I’m so independent (because I’ve had to be), I’m self-sabotaging or just give off a vibe that I’m not interested for any potential dates but who knows. I do get approached but just not by the people I’m interested in! I know I do have some self-esteem issues I need to overcome when it comes to dating and really struggle with the apps so I choose to be on my own.

I listened to Rylan’s episode on the Happy podcast today and he was discussing being alone as he’s always had people around him, but he’s recently been to Barcelona by himself and enjoyed it. However he and Fearne were talking about the fact that they can’t watch boxsets alone as the enjoyment is watching them with someone. If that was my thinking, I’d never watch anything!

i could have written all of this

but especially the part about maybe accidentally self sabotaging. i’m incredibly independent and incredibly happy in my own company - when i’m out with friends they’re usually surveying the room, seeing what talent is around, whereas i’m just chilling with some wine and probably looking really unapproachable i think i’ve made my life so nice, and so perfectly set up as i love it, that someone would have to be pretty special to be allowed in. if that makes sense. i’m very protective of myself and my space and i think dating is, to some degree, dropping that protection down and i don’t know if i ever can or if i would want to!

 

[unidentified]

when i’m out with friends they’re usually surveying the room, seeing what talent is around, whereas i’m just chilling with some wine and probably looking really unapproachable

This is funny because it reminds me of me when I used to go out. I have good friends who were my ‘young’ friends. Same age but they didn’t have kids so I would go visit and we would go out in Manchester. I ALWAYS got told off for giving this ‘don’t come near me because I’m not sleeping with you’ look. Now they have kids so we no longer meet and go out so I don’t ever go out out.

 

[LaBlonde]

This is funny because it reminds me of me when I used to go out. I have good friends who were my ‘young’ friends. Same age but they didn’t have kids so I would go visit and we would go out in Manchester. I ALWAYS got told off for giving this ‘don’t come near me because I’m not sleeping with you’ look. Now they have kids so we no longer meet and go out so I don’t ever go out out.

thankfully my close friends (who i mainly go out with!) aren’t like that and we go out really to enjoy each other’s company (and drink cocktails ) - but i hear you on other friends. a mutual friend once told me i was a terrible wingwoman because i didn’t look like i was “inviting people over”, i said sorry but i wasn’t sure why i was apologising

 

[unidentified]

thankfully my close friends (who i mainly go out with!) aren’t like that and we go out really to enjoy each other’s company (and drink cocktails ) - but i hear you on other friends. a mutual friend once told me i was a terrible wingwoman because i didn’t look like i was “inviting people over”, i said sorry but i wasn’t sure why i was apologising

Oh I’m luckily in that it wasn’t for them and they wanted me to be open because you just never know and I totally get that but I don’t know how. This is where I don’t know how I would find someone when I need something there first.

 

[shadowcat5]

Do you ever hear other people complain about their partner and get the itch to tell them that their partner is being a fool on purpose?

 

[LaBlonde]

Oh I’m luckily in that it wasn’t for them and they wanted me to be open because you just never know and I totally get that but I don’t know how. This is where I don’t know how I would find someone when I need something there first.

i think you said earlier that you identify with being demi too? (sorry if this wasn’t you ) but THIS exactly. i cannot feel an instant attraction to anyone really, i have to have some degree of feeling of what they’re like as a person and some level of slow build before i even consider it. meeting in bars doesn’t work for me and i’m not sure if i would/will ever meet a man who will go at the glacial pace i need. maybe one day!

i always like speaking to other demisexual people. it’s still so new and it’s valuable to know it’s not just me

 

[al255]

I’m single by choice because I just enjoy being by myself (and my daughter) I love my own space, I have had a good few serious relationships since I was 16 and I’m at the point where I just can’t be bothered to date. I’ve got the apps installed but I can’t really be assed to scroll through the same people over and over again, to have boring conversation. Im SO OVER IT!!! I’m nearly 30 and I’m happy being single.

I do what I want, when I want, I don’t have to run anything by anybody. I don’t have to hide my purchases.. not to mention that I’m happier on my own