Single by Choice

[sleepflowers]

I had to have a stern word with a good friend this week because she far too often drops phrases like ‘when you find your person’ into our conversations. It’s so patronising. I’m nit actively dating and I really like my solo life, where does she imagine I’m unearthing this mystery ‘person’ and for what purpose?! There is pretty much nothing a partner would bring to my life apart from financial support but I’m so proud that I run my life and my home on just my income. All this to say, balls to being spoken down to as if my life is a waiting room for something else!

I hate this 'my person' thing that's become popular in recent years. No one is anyone's person. Everyone is their own and doesn't belong to anyone. I've never been in love but I think the attraction and beauty of it is both of you choosing the other person actively, not just assuming ownership. Saying we are all finding 'our person' just implies none of us are complete on our own.

 

[Lalla]

Tomorrow is 3 years since I split with my Ex; in that time I've gone through menopause and found it very freeing, for pretty much the first time ever in my adult life I don't feel compelled to seek out a relationship. I always felt I was missing out, that I had to find my 'lid' etc. and now I don't really care. I'm certainly not actively looking for anyone.

Like others I rarely see anyone I think is attractive. I bumped into a man in Morrison's the other day (neither of us was looking where we were going) and noticed he was quite handsome, but that's probably the first man I've noticed in at least a year. I do live in an area where men are pretty unappealing tbh

I can also relate to the financial downsides of being single and just the general slog of it all. Like I'm trying to sort out my garden at the moment and it's quite hard physical work (which I'm not used to). I'm kind of enjoying it, so it's not like I need someone to do it for me, more that when I finish it would be nice to not have to then do dinner and tidy up and everything else myself as well.

 

[Kellybobz]

I’ve been single for about 16 years following a mentally abusive relationship in my late teens-mid twenties and aim to stay that way. I have lost a lot of friends who just can’t get their heads around the idea that anybody could be happy on their own. I have a nice life, I own my home and can do what I want when I want, so although I find it sad that I’ve lost these friends sometimes, I don’t really feel like my life is lacking in any huge way. What does irritate me though is how some middle aged married men look at an overweight 40 year old single woman and think they must be a sure thing side piece. It’s happened to me a few times but most recently, I contacted the mechanic I’ve used for years a couple of weeks ago to book in my car’s MOT and since then it has been endless inappropriate messaging from him every day. Even if he wasn’t married I wouldn’t be interested. When he came to pick up and drop off the car, he was being really touchy feely with me and I didn’t like it, he was also saying he might pop in for a cuppa sometime which creeped me out a bit and the messaging is still going on. I’ve always thought he was a nice bloke, our families have known each other for years, but I find this behaviour really odd and so it’s made me feel quite uncomfortable. Sorry for offloading!

 

[hehehe]

Finished work at noon and came home for some self-pampering, organised my wardrobe, checked my financials, baked cakes to deliver to my nephews, did my skincare, all in the peace and quiet of my own flat surrounded by my clean freshly washed sheets. I'd ordered myself some Dior makeup which arrived in Valentine's packaging with a gift note for myself as my own beautiful Valentine.

Happy Vals day my singles!

While couples are in meltdown in various crowded frazzled restaurants across the city I'm over here like:

 

[petitspois]

I absolutely love being single. Every couple I know of- friends, acquaintances, work colleagues, etc. has a situation that is far from ideal. I’ve known a few couples that genuinely seemed to have a lovely relationship but they are of an older generation.

 

[aidil]

My mum was talking to one of her friends about some of my hobbies this week and her friend said “it’s nice she has something to keep her occupied seeing as she’s been single for so long.”

 

[Catlady1973]

hello! Didn’t know this thread existed until today. I’ve been single again now for nearly two years and have absolutely no desire to meet anyone. After years of disappointment I’m done, friends have stopped asking now if I’m looking to date
It’s just so much more peaceful not having to worry if someone actually gives a toss about you, being the one to plan everything, dealing with their gross habits. I’m happy doing my own thing now.

 

[Thank(space)you]

So I am single by choice, in that I've not met anyone & unwilling to settle. Anyway, I'm usually quite miserable about being single however I was at my friend's recently, she's got 4 kids with her partner and he does naff all. Wouldn't even make her a cuppa or watch the kids when she felt a migraine coming on! If she doesn't clean it, it doesn't get cleaned, if she doesn't watch the kids, they run riot. She also works and is at college, (she's 27 not a teenager) and he doesn't work, one of those who won't get a job. They rarely have sex and I just think gosh, I may do it all because I'm a single mum, but I'd much rather that than someone who could help me but chooses not to

 

[aidil]

My boss’ wife popped into work today and was talking about holidays. I was saying how I’ve not been away in years as I can’t afford it with all my bills etc. She looked at me with a sad face and goes “aww do you not have a partner? ”

No and that’s my CHOICE. I’d rather be single and stuck in England than stuck with a moronic man just so I can have a crap package holiday every summer

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

Happy Christmas Happy Singletons I'm just recovering from that blasted flu which was a nightmare! It does mean though I'm not obligated to socialise this Christmas which is wonderful. 🧍

 

[Tell.A.Tale]

Merry Christmas lovelies. I’m tossing and turning in bed, and thinking how great it is that a) I’m not worried about disturbing anyone other than my cat, b) I bought my own gifts so I’m getting exactly what I want and c) No compulsory family / in laws tomorrow. Can just do whatever the fuck I want to. The best Christmas really!

 

[GiftedNotFree]

Just weighing in my opinion (this thread is definitely for me). I am 35 years old. From the age of 27-33, I really, REALLY tried hard with the dating thing. Gave it my best intentions, and I feel so bad for my younger self and the absolute sh*t I had to put up with. Some really awful experiences, being absolutely used by men when I was looking for something real and genuine, it's just sad really especially when I tried to start dating 'older' men (ie 37-42) in the hope they'd be more genuine.

The last couple of years of my dating was fuelled by the fact I knew I wanted to buy a house and that it would be more realistic sharing the expenses with a man (sad but true). Well, this year I made my house purchasing a reality and I did it myself. It's been an absolute stretch but I did it, and without needing a man. Now I've done it, my desire to ever date again has fizzled out to 0%. I count myself lucky I've no desire to have a baby and that I'd need to force myself into a desperate dating situation for this. I am so happy ever since I deleted my apps and erased the expectations of people around me to 'find' someone. What needs to change is society's expectations that everyone needs to be coupled up. Women don't need a husband these days, things have changed and society needs to catch up.

This is me too! I am 33 this year and so uninterested in dating or attempting to meet anyone on purpose. If it happens it happens, I guess? But I put in no effort. I am over it - it’s boring and demoralising (online dating/apps!) and zaps me of energy.
I bought a house myself 2 years ago and live alone — it wasn’t easy but so so worth it. To have a place to live that is solely yours is so freeing!

 

[DrNooo]

Agreed, I don't think being single by choice and wanting/being open to a relationship are necessarily mutually exclusive, I see it as choosing not to be in a relationship for the sake of it just because you don't want to be single. I've chosen to remain single until I meet someone who I properly want to be with and whilst I hope there is someone out there, I'd rather be on my own than settling for someone who isn't a good fit.

 

[Shawads]

I stayed single for years for multiple reasons. Then a friend I much liked asked me for a date, it was casual then not casual, he did anll the pursuing. I thought we fell in love and he hurt me so badly I don’t think I’ll ever date again.

 

[Tell.A.Tale]

Agree wholeheartedly with so many of the last few posts.
- The “single person tax” is so very real. My coupled friends have literally no idea how tough it can be to carry the full financial life load. Being in a relationship often makes sense financially, and to me that would be my primary driver if I did get into a relationship. Would just love someone to split the mortgage with as money is the thing I stress about the most so it would make my anxiety so much better. But of course - this is absolutely not a real reason to start a relationship
- I’m 39 and suspect in early perimenopause, I could not think of anything I’d like to do less than getting intimate. Genuinely - would just rather sleep thank you, and no I don’t want to share a bed.
- 100% there are some lovely people out there but the “every pot has its lid” sentiment is entirely false and I look at about 7/10 relationships and it’s simply not what I would want

 

[LaBlonde]

Sometimes I wish I was a different kind of person who thrived in a relationship and felt the rewards of sharing a life with someone in a home. I think life would be easier financially and socially, if I could feel happy with a partner. And despite all this, the thought of coming home to the sort of marriages I see in my friends' lives scares the shit out of me.

I'm sure they are happy so I keep my thoughts to myself but fucking hell, I hope I never become the kind of person who looks at herself and wonders "who she used to be before him" as soon as her husband leaves the country for a work trip. Verbatim, quoted from her text, with a laughing emoji.

I felt so embarrassed on her behalf, a woman in her 30s who has a full time job, hobbies, interests and intellect. Wondering what to do with herself now that the guy is away for just 10 days. They couldn't waterboard that shit out of me but she must have thought it sounded cute and quirky, maybe romantic. Mega cringe.

THIS

i mentioned this in another thread recently but a woman i worked with once asked me why i made an effort with my appearance, wore perfume, dressed up just to go shopping etc if not to attract a man - i was like idk, for ME?? are you seriously saying you would only do any of these things for a MAN?!?

male centered women fascinate me and make me sad in equal measure. like you say, couldn’t waterboard that information out of me.

 

[petitspois]

From time to time I come across a couple that genuinely get on really well, have a laugh and are a team. They build a life together and have a family and that seems just wonderful but a truly equal, loving partnership is so rare, in my opinion at least.

 

[aidil]

Was chatting to one of my friends the other day who is currently going through a divorce after her husband left her for another woman. She was saying she’s lost count of the amount of people who’ve come up to her saying “don’t worry, you’ll find someone else” Why is that the automatic thing to say?!

 

[Thank(space)you]

I had a catch up with my niece (she's 22) and honestly she's got her head screwed on right when it comes to dating and men. She's always had this attitude of, when it happens it happens but she's really not bothered about it. I asked her last night if she was dating anyone and she said she wasn't, but she can't be bothered. She's too busy working her way up the ladder at work and having fun with her friends and going on holidays. Her plan is the rich wine aunt. I wish I was a lot more like her at her age!

 

[pinkmug]

I will come back with my own insights at some point but I just wanted to say that you people made me feel less alone and less "crazy", along with the members on the childfree threads. I hope everyone's having a really nice Christmas.