Single by Choice

[Tell.A.Tale]

I had to have a stern word with a good friend this week because she far too often drops phrases like ‘when you find your person’ into our conversations. It’s so patronising. I’m nit actively dating and I really like my solo life, where does she imagine I’m unearthing this mystery ‘person’ and for what purpose?! There is pretty much nothing a partner would bring to my life apart from financial support but I’m so proud that I run my life and my home on just my income. All this to say, balls to being spoken down to as if my life is a waiting room for something else!

Resonate with this loud and clear. My closest friend said to me the other day that “everyone wants to be loved / everyone wants “their person” and it really grated on me. She met “her person” at 36 (they’re both women), and honestly 6 years in and I hate being around them now, because it’s just non stop bickering. Why do people think that is what others want just because they are alone? I’ll take my single and peaceful status over a paired up but constantly annoyed status any day of the year!

And I was genuinely in love once. I know I’ll never feel the way I did about someone I was with for 7 years but I also know it was very toxic / unhealthy / abusive and isn’t something I want again so I choose to be single. And I am genuinely happy with that choice.

 

[qqwertyy]

I’m not wife material and I don’t want a husband or even a boyfriend, and I don’t want a man in my house, but if it was the 1800s and I was a rich French lady I’d definitely be taking a lover. Sadly I don’t think that’s a thing nowadays.

I downloaded the dating apps again tonight and noped the hell out of there in record time.

 

[sleepflowers]

I had to have a stern word with a good friend this week because she far too often drops phrases like ‘when you find your person’ into our conversations. It’s so patronising. I’m nit actively dating and I really like my solo life, where does she imagine I’m unearthing this mystery ‘person’ and for what purpose?! There is pretty much nothing a partner would bring to my life apart from financial support but I’m so proud that I run my life and my home on just my income. All this to say, balls to being spoken down to as if my life is a waiting room for something else!

I hate this 'my person' thing that's become popular in recent years. No one is anyone's person. Everyone is their own and doesn't belong to anyone. I've never been in love but I think the attraction and beauty of it is both of you choosing the other person actively, not just assuming ownership. Saying we are all finding 'our person' just implies none of us are complete on our own.

 

[newtoyou]

I hate this 'my person' thing that's become popular in recent years. No one is anyone's person. Everyone is their own and doesn't belong to anyone. I've never been in love but I think the attraction and beauty of it is both of you choosing the other person actively, not just assuming ownership. Saying we are all finding 'our person' just implies none of us are complete on our own.

Exactly this, ditto with “the other half”. Never been in love and it seems lovely from the outside. But the way society pushes the idea of not being a whole human or have had a successful life without a romantic partner is crazy.

 

[Tell.A.Tale]

Probably taking it a step too far and outside of this thread I would just come across as bitter but I equally hate the term husband (or wife). As in, I’ll be making plans with a friend and she’ll respond with “I’ll check with my husband” and it grates on me because your husband has a name, and I knew him before you so just use his name FFS. What point is it ever to use the terms wife or husband around people you know very well?

 

[qqwertyy]

Probably taking it a step too far and outside of this thread I would just come across as bitter but I equally hate the term husband (or wife). As in, I’ll be making plans with a friend and she’ll respond with “I’ll check with my husband” and it grates on me because your husband has a name, and I knew him before you so just use his name FFS. What point is it ever to use the terms wife or husband around people you know very well?

I daren’t open that can of worms but Harry and Meghan are the absolute worst for this.

 

[QueenBW]

I had to have a stern word with a good friend this week because she far too often drops phrases like ‘when you find your person’ into our conversations. It’s so patronising. I’m nit actively dating and I really like my solo life, where does she imagine I’m unearthing this mystery ‘person’ and for what purpose?! There is pretty much nothing a partner would bring to my life apart from financial support but I’m so proud that I run my life and my home on just my income. All this to say, balls to being spoken down to as if my life is a waiting room for something else!

Lots of people, both coupled and single, treat being single as some problem to fix/a medical condition to heal. It is infuriating. We can be perfectly happy, fulfilled and complete on our own. Singleness is not a limbo we're trying to escape.

But I think a lot of people are really unhappy with themselves and need to be with someone all the time because they can't stand themselves. I guess in that case, you do need to escape being single.

 

[Nurseali]

Being single is a luxury most of my friends wish they could afford

 

[Millais]

They don’t wash.

 

[Tell.A.Tale]

If I never smell a cheesy ball sack again - I will die a happy woman!

 

[Missmopps]

If I never smell a cheesy ball sack again - I will die a happy woman!

don’t buy those deli sausage treats if you have a dog then as they smell exactly like sweaty ballsacks!!

 

[qqwertyy]

I went out last night for a friend’s birthday - all women, 30s/40s, some I knew and some I didn’t. Non-stop chat about men and dating (yawn). So many women stressed about being behind/not settled down/feeling like a loser and listing out their failures, which basically covers every aspect of my life - renting, living alone, single, doing stuff alone rather than making memories with a partner.

I don’t know how to do this anymore. I’m constantly feeling like my life and choices are not enough, that I’m less important, that I have nothing to add to conversations. Nobody directly says it to me and I don’t actually believe it myself, but the thought of so many people feeling sorry for me simply because I don’t have a bleeping partner is exhausting. And that’s without even starting on being childfree.

I can’t afford to buy a house and I couldn’t afford a child even if I wanted one. I don’t want to live in the suburbs. I like doing stuff alone. The sole purpose of my existence is not to find a man. I feel like I’m a caricature of a single girl sometimes, like a modern day Bridget Jones who everyone secretly judges and pities.

Sorry for the long rant but I am so, so tired right now. Society and the patriarchy has done a number on everyone and I don’t know why so many people just can’t see it.

 

[aidil]

I went out last night for a friend’s birthday - all women, 30s/40s, some I knew and some I didn’t. Non-stop chat about men and dating (yawn). So many women stressed about being behind/not settled down/feeling like a loser and listing out their failures, which basically covers every aspect of my life - renting, living alone, single, doing stuff alone rather than making memories with a partner.

I don’t know how to do this anymore. I’m constantly feeling like my life and choices are not enough, that I’m less important, that I have nothing to add to conversations. Nobody directly says it to me and I don’t actually believe it myself, but the thought of so many people feeling sorry for me simply because I don’t have a bleeping partner is exhausting. And that’s without even starting on being childfree.

I can’t afford to buy a house and I couldn’t afford a child even if I wanted one. I don’t want to live in the suburbs. I like doing stuff alone. The sole purpose of my existence is not to find a man. I feel like I’m a caricature of a single girl sometimes, like a modern day Bridget Jones who everyone secretly judges and pities.

Sorry for the long rant but I am so, so tired right now. Society and the patriarchy has done a number on everyone and I don’t know why so many people just can’t see it.

You’ve perfectly articulated how I feel right now! I met up with a couple of friends recently who are both in long term relationships - they were talking about weddings, babies, weekend breaks with their partners. I was talking about the work I was putting in for my post-graduate certificate at work and immediately got a load of “god do you not want a break”, “there is more to life than studying”, “you need to give it a rest” etc. Why are my life choices to be pitied just because they’re not what society says I should be doing in my 30s?!

 

[newtoyou]

I know someone who came into a lot of money and decided to self fund a phd. The immediate response from someone else I knew was “why doesn’t she buy a house?!”. Maybe cos she doesn’t want to??!!

 

[pinkmug]

Having a tough time with adulthood lately (or since forever) and today I got overwhelmed and cried because while I don't want to invest emotionally in a romantic relationship or a partnership, from the bottom of my heart I wished there was someone I could rely on during weird times like this. All my mental alarms are going off nowadays for multiple reasons and there is nobody else to pick up the slack and lighten the load. But also there is no safe feeling that comes with the thought of a husband and boyfriend either. I don't know what's the point of this post, maybe it's just that being single can be very hard even when you don't want to be a part of a couple.

 

[Remotecontrol]

Having a tough time with adulthood lately (or since forever) and today I got overwhelmed and cried because while I don't want to invest emotionally in a romantic relationship or a partnership, from the bottom of my heart I wished there was someone I could rely on during weird times like this. All my mental alarms are going off nowadays for multiple reasons and there is nobody else to pick up the slack and lighten the load. But also there is no safe feeling that comes with the thought of a husband and boyfriend either. I don't know what's the point of this post, maybe it's just that being single can be very hard even when you don't want to be a part of a couple.

I hear you, I’ve had a lot on and been in a state of worry at the world for a while and could have done with someone at home to lean on. I’m in my 40s and recent events have made me feel it’s going to be tough getting older as a woman alone in this country.

 

[Tell.A.Tale]

Agree with both of you but also a reminder to be proud of yourselves for living life successfully in a world that was designed for couples. I genuinely don’t want to be in a relationship but I would be lying if I said I didn’t think my life would be a lot easier if I did want to couple up. From finances to day to day practical stuff I really can see the appeal of relationships.

 

[Laughingforlife]

I guess this is both single and child free by choice but I see these reels on Instagram that are like "my biggest dream?.... Always has been to be a Mom <3" and then show their baby.
Fine great, really cute! Good for you. Sweet baby.
However, I've never had that? Like I can't even find a boyfriend/husband first so how can I want to be a mum? One step at a time!
It's like these people take it for granted that they found a nice guy to start a family with.
I never cared for baby dollies as a kid either...
I think if I had a nice boyfriend/husband then yes then you'd perhaps want a baby. But I can't even find a nice boyfriend as they're all idiots so far!
But yes it just made me think how I've never had that desire...
I feel it's something that can't just totally pre-plan and just have to see what happens in life...

 

[Mooordgirl]

I guess this is both single and child free by choice but I see these reels on Instagram that are like "my biggest dream?.... Always has been to be a Mom <3" and then show their baby.
Fine great, really cute! Good for you. Sweet baby.
However, I've never had that? Like I can't even find a boyfriend/husband first so how can I want to be a mum? One step at a time!
It's like these people take it for granted that they found a nice guy to start a family with.
I never cared for baby dollies as a kid either...
I think if I had a nice boyfriend/husband then yes then you'd perhaps want a baby. But I can't even find a nice boyfriend as they're all idiots so far!
But yes it just made me think how I've never had that desire...
I feel it's something that can't just totally pre-plan and just have to see what happens in life...

See my sister wants kids so much she is completely overlooks what a terrible partner she has. The fear of not meeting someone else to have kids with, overpowers the fear of the tit life she'll have with him.

I agree with your view, and feel the same way, but i do think a lot of women are like my sister

 

[Tell.A.Tale]

So many women settle for the sake of having children. They marry the men that are in their lives at the “right time.” A time defined by both biological clocks and society that dictate when we should procreate. I almost did the same thing myself at 36 because I was desperate to have children. I knew I could make it work for a few years but ultimately I would have been miserable in the long term.

Instead I chose to do IVF with donor sperm and am a mum to a 2.5 yr old (born when I was 39) and a 2 week old (I’m 41 now).

Signed your resident SMBC (solo mum by choice), to remind you that thanks to science we no longer have to settle. We don’t *need* men. We can have them if we want them and if we don’t, there are now other options to having a family.