Rubbish friends, how did you decide your cut off point?

Rxt156 said:

She stole from you and her family have the nerve to threaten you as well. WTF!!!

Click to expand...

The mother never liked me any way. Apparently I humiliated her daughter. No she did that herself by stealing someone who was a friend to hers belongings.

Met a new friend on the school run who first of all lied about her job (said she had a better job than she does), then kept saying we'll meet up, but whenever I pinned her to a date she would never turn up and never reply to texts. Then days later say she'd had an emergency. Lots of school run conversations which had red flags put me off...

She would basically just slag her whole family off and talk about how evil they are and what a victim she is. I found her instagram account and she is a Mrs hinch wannabe. She said she didnt text on my birthday because she dropped her phone down the toilet but I saw that she'd been posting on her ig account. I would also go as far as to say from things she says that she emotionally and financially abuses her husband. So I pretty quickly stopped trying with her. I still have to talk to her because our kids are very good friends but that's as far as it goes for me And I never go past just small talk.

She said she takes her husbands phone off him on a Sunday to annoy his family as she won't let them speak to him until they start helping with the kids. Imagine what she'd do to me if I became a friend

Eta i think when we meet new people its important to take your time to see if you want to be friends. I think its easy to jump in too quick. A bit like romantic relationships I guess.

Lucyxxxx said:

I had a so called friend before. Lol the cheek of this girl. She come round my house one day and I'd just been out clothes shopping. I have the chest of an overweight pre pubescent boy, she had/has enormous massive melons. She was also 2 dress sizes bigger then me. She tried on my (expensive) new jacket. I calmly explained to her that the reason the jacket was riding half way up her belly and she couldn't zip it up properly was cause it didn't fit. Oh no that couldn't possibly be the reason, it just fitted us 'differently'. She left after a bit and I thought nothing of it. Later in the evening I realise one of my bags and all my new clothes were missing - she had smuggled my clothes out my house using my bag to do so, the nerve lmao. I go to ask her about it and I've been deleted on fb, number blocked and all sorts. So I put a public post on fb asking mutuals if they could let her know I'd like my stolen items back please. Her mother sent me some big long angry message about how she's the most loyal friend I'd ever have, I better watch my back and if I want my stuff I need to come and ask for it.

Last time I checked she has a child now - doesn't appear to be a father on the scene. Lol.

Click to expand...

Wow that is insane, what a nut job she and her family are

The moment I decided to step back was when I met up with them and ended up walking away from the meeting feeling bad about myself and that I hadn't enjoyed myself at all.

I also learned you don't have to completely cut off ..just a simple fade away. The trick is learning which friend fits into which category.

pepe le pew said:

Just after Christmas we were watching TV and the Ring doorbell went off. So I looked on the video cam, and there stood my ex friend on my doorstep. I couldn’t believe it. I had gone totally non contact with her for over 3 years. She was an absolute horror of a human being. A leech, a drain, and a spiteful narcissist. Even though I was on benefits she used to drain me of money weekly, cigarettes, petrol, groceries. Could I cook something for
her boys, she hadn’t had time to get to the shops. Yes, this floated. I fed her family four times a week, and there was four of them. She used me, and at the same time abused me. She loved to sound of her own voice. You couldn’t tell her anything that had happened during the day, you know, those little stories. Like who you bumped into, or something in the news. All she wanted to do was talk and repeat the same crap, over and over again. Her life was a drama. She used to call or text me over ten times a day. If I didn’t respond she would simply turn up on the doorstep. She never left me alone. She was struggling so I stayed in her life.
She drained me, financially emotionally mentally, when she used to leave my house I would almost collapse she was such hard work.

One day my daughter and I got caught in a rainstorm. It absolutely bucketed down with rain. We were soaked. We rushed home and had to take all our clothes off because we were saturated, almost like we’d jumped into a swimming pool fully clothed. As we are peeling off my mobile goes off. It’s her. So I say quickly to her, ‘I will call you back, we got caught in that rain, and I got to get this stuff off’ and I hung up. 30 minutes later she calls back and this is what she says. ‘There’s no rain forecast for Bolton today”. Me, well it bucketed down, me and Ang got soaked. Her, “I just called Irene who lives near you, and she said it wasn’t raining there’. Me, well it definately rained, you know it is possible for it to rain on one side of town and not the other’. Silence. me, do you think I’m making this up? Her, yes. Me, why would I make up a story about it rainin? Her, I can never tell when you are lying to me, your life is boring,so it makes sense you’d lie about something like that.
BYE

Three years free of her and her bullshit. And it turned out to be the straw that broke the camels back. I live my life without her. She was awful.

Click to expand...

Please could you update with why she was at your door three years later? Or didn’t you answer? I’m very invested

So I haven’t actually cut out any friends yet but am in the process of drifting. Had a very close core group of friends at uni and all through our 20s we remained close, despite me being at a different life stage to them. Basically I got married in my mid 20s and had moved into my own home and had a child by 30, we’re all early 30s now and they’ve only just got houses/engaged. Despite being at totally different stages I always made an effort to still go to things I could do (birthday brunches, nights out, always recognised birthdays and job promotions with a card and bunch of flowers) but naturally there were some things I just couldn’t do because of my role as a mother or because of finances, such as girls holidays abroad.

Anyway, one of them is getting married abroad and having her hen do abroad this year, and after originally agreeing to it when we were asked a year ago, the situation has totally changed now. Cost of living crisis has affected us massively, plus I’m pregnant again and the wedding is no kids. We could’ve made it work for my older child but not for the baby. I explained this (still with 9 months to go before the wedding) and it hasn’t gone down well at all. Zero empathy or understanding for the situation, just that she’s disappointed I haven’t prioritised her. Then speaking to my other friends about how I’m not a good friend.

Looking back, I’ve realised that similar to what other people have said, she’s just the main character and everyone else is there to support her. She never checks in on me/my family, never messages, whenever we do meet up it’s all gossip about her other friends (which makes me wonder what she says to them about me). With regards to the other friends, one came to me immediately when she found out I wasn’t attending, asked if I was okay, arranged to meet up and has been really supportive. The other friend (who I assume has also been told) has essentially stopped replying to my messages. So I’m currently in the process of letting it drift. Haven’t messaged either of them since the start of December and neither have made any attempts to get in touch with me. It really hurts, I don’t feel like anything prepares you for the heartbreak of friendships ending, but ultimately they don’t deserve my energy. There’s plenty of friends who love me and rather than trying to impress girls who couldn’t give a shit, I’d rather spend time with those who genuinely like me for who I am.

Lucyxxxx said:

I had a so called friend before. Lol the cheek of this girl. She come round my house one day and I'd just been out clothes shopping. I have the chest of an overweight pre pubescent boy, she had/has enormous massive melons. She was also 2 dress sizes bigger then me. She tried on my (expensive) new jacket. I calmly explained to her that the reason the jacket was riding half way up her belly and she couldn't zip it up properly was cause it didn't fit. Oh no that couldn't possibly be the reason, it just fitted us 'differently'. She left after a bit and I thought nothing of it. Later in the evening I realise one of my bags and all my new clothes were missing - she had smuggled my clothes out my house using my bag to do so, the nerve lmao. I go to ask her about it and I've been deleted on fb, number blocked and all sorts. So I put a public post on fb asking mutuals if they could let her know I'd like my stolen items back please. Her mother sent me some big long angry message about how she's the most loyal friend I'd ever have, I better watch my back and if I want my stuff I need to come and ask for it.

Last time I checked she has a child now - doesn't appear to be a father on the scene. Lol.

Click to expand...

You've just reminded me of a psycho friend from school who stole from me on multiple occasions, then when I called her out on it called me mad, and told everyone from school that i was mad (not that they listened.)

She's a very derranged person and a compulsive liar. Had an affair with a teacher in sixth form. Married now but I suspect not happily as she seems obsessed with her teacher ex...

I thought I'd give a little context, friend A began seeing friend b's ex. Everyone else knew except friend b. Friend b had her suspicions and made it clear that she was hurt about it. So friend A pretended to break it off. Long story short friend A kept going with the ex, and kept trying to drag me in, by tricking me into a night with them and giving me constant updates on how it was going. But it was made out to be just a laugh for friend A and friend B should just get over it. I was very uncomfortable with the situation as I repeatedly told friend A and told her I didn't want to know so I stopped answering calls and messages. Which would have been fine until friend A began to question my child (preteen) on the street. So I couldn't help myself but to say something to friend A as far as I'm concerned that's a dirty trick. This proceeded to friend A to bad mouth me to everybody else. I guess I'm best out of it.

Girl 1: After someone cancelled on me for the third time in a row, but I had already waited an hour outside. We started talking again after three years, but I realized that if I didn't call her first she wouldn't ever call me. At times I did feel like I was a third wheel in that friendship group with four others. I didn't know she was pregnant until a mutual friend told me. I did think of getting a gift for her as I had known her for so long, but my brother, was right in asking me what was the point? Not spoken to her in around two years now.

Girl 2: Someone who used to be in my class but she was very mentally ill. She would not start therapy. Was hanging out with the wrong crowd. Doing drugs. I tried to help her but I just couldn't. It was always just asking me for money which I knew would never get paid back. I stopped being so available for her.

My two friends that I do now talk to regularly are both gay men and I feel a lot more comfortable knowing their not interested in me. Honestly just so much less drama. Not saying I'm such alluring beauty, but it has just been weird otherwise for me. I was asked to be a friend with benefits by one I used to spend hours talking to on the phone. I declined- but it got awkward between us. We were supposed to go to a show together but I flaked. The second boy I was previously close with got angry at me when I said I didn't want to date him. It just didn't feel right.

I'm a lot better with boundaries now then I was at age 24. I am just no longer willing to put up with nonsense.

Drifting seems less brutal. I’m trying to do that at the moment, and finding it hard because it’s making me feel rude!.
I’ve a friendship group that I feel very much in the edges of. Some of it is my fault; I’m a quieter, more reserved person than the others and often don’t get a word in edgeways.
But I always remember what people tell me. if someone is going away, or something important is happening. At least I’ll ask how it went, etc., None of them seem to have any real interest in what everyone else is doing, unless it’s to copy or better it.
I once dropped everything to go and help one of them out in a crisis. A few months later, she was relating the story to me, as if I weren’t there; she’d completely completely forgotten! Which just made me feel so insignificant.
Another time I was with this same person when she picked up a box of Christmas Cards, saying that they’d do for neighbours etc, and she’d get better ones for close friends. She later gave one of them to me!! This year she did a similar thing; it’s all these little things that make me realise that i’ve been investing more in the friendship than them.
I had a Birthday recently. One of them remembered and sent me a card, another messaged a few days later to apologise for missing it. No one else knew or remembered. We’ve been friends for around 7 years now.
I’ve come to realise that, rightly or wrongly, I don’t want to feel the way they make me feel.
But I feel rude at the moment because I’ve not responded to a group chat about a possible night out. And I’ve agreed to something else that’s happening at the end of the summer that I now know I don’t want to go to.
It’s not easy. I’m sorry you’re having a rough time, and I hope you find a way through it.

mee43 said:

Drifting seems less brutal. I’m trying to do that at the moment, and finding it hard because it’s making me feel rude!.
I’ve a friendship group that I feel very much in the edges of. Some of it is my fault; I’m a quieter, more reserved person than the others and often don’t get a word in edgeways.
But I always remember what people tell me. if someone is going away, or something important is happening. At least I’ll ask how it went, etc., None of them seem to have any real interest in what everyone else is doing, unless it’s to copy or better it.
I once dropped everything to go and help one of them out in a crisis. A few months later, she was relating the story to me, as if I weren’t there; she’d completely completely forgotten! Which just made me feel so insignificant.
Another time I was with this same person when she picked up a box of Christmas Cards, saying that they’d do for neighbours etc, and she’d get better ones for close friends. She later gave one of them to me!! This year she did a similar thing; it’s all these little things that make me realise that i’ve been investing more in the friendship than them.
I had a Birthday recently. One of them remembered and sent me a card, another messaged a few days later to apologise for missing it. No one else knew or remembered. We’ve been friends for around 7 years now.
I’ve come to realise that, rightly or wrongly, I don’t want to feel the way they make me feel.
But I feel rude at the moment because I’ve not responded to a group chat about a possible night out. And I’ve agreed to something else that’s happening at the end of the summer that I now know I don’t want to go to.
It’s not easy. I’m sorry you’re having a rough time, and I hope you find a way through it.

Click to expand...

I'm so sorry.

I can relate. About 4 years ago I felt like this with a friendship group. Not saying it's the same as what you're going through now because what you've described sounds very hurtful. But I know what it's like to feel as though you're on the periphery and that people are just unthinking.

I am back in the fold now and things are better, but I have made other friends so that I'm not reliant on one group as much.

Do you think that might help you?

Catnmouse said:

I'm so sorry.

I can relate. About 4 years ago I felt like this with a friendship group. Not saying it's the same as what you're going through now because what you've described sounds very hurtful. But I know what it's like to feel as though you're on the periphery and that people are just unthinking.

I am back in the fold now and things are better, but I have made other friends so that I'm not reliant on one group as much.

Do you think that might help you?

Click to expand...

I definitely feel that I have to broaden my horizons a bit and meet new people. Or just find new interests to pursue and content myself with those and with my family.
It annoys me that I worry so much about being rude and cutting myself off from people who don’t care either way
I’m glad you got to a better place

mee43 said:

I definitely feel that I have to broaden my horizons a bit and meet new people. Or just find new interests to pursue and content myself with those and with my family.
It annoys me that I worry so much about being rude and cutting myself off from people who don’t care either way
I’m glad you got to a better place

Click to expand...

Don't put loads of pressure on yourself, but great that you have that mindset and also you're not being rude.

I'd also say that even if you think the door is almost closed on a friendship, people can surprise you. For me, there were some difficult circumstances I was in that meant I cut myself off a bit without realising and at the time it seemed like my friends' lives were completely great/rosy. Fast forward a few years and they've been through some tough things themselves. Think it has helped them get a bit of perspective.

You're well within your rights to put yourself first.

i had a toxic, narcissistic friend for 20 years. we were joined at the hip, hard to get away from. Felt so much relief after cutting her off. she truly drained me and caused so much trouble in my life. feels amazing had no contact for 6 years

I had another 'friend' try say she could only drive to my house if I paid fuel. Obviously that never happened. She said it cost £15 in fuel. I found some website that could calculate how much fuel you would use in a journey. The fuel cost was something like £2.60. Get gone you absolute SCAB.

I had a group of friends and although we had a lot of good times over the years, the bad times started to outnumber the good as I got older. After a couple of years, I started to feel bad in myself and that's when I decided to do the fade on them and in some cases, just ghost them.

disillusionedbythegram said:

Please could you update with why she was at your door three years later? Or didn’t you answer? I’m very invested

Click to expand...

My daughter reckons it was because she needed cash. She knew my very generous family gave me cheques for Xmas instead of gifts as we are on benefits. One Xmas she cracked her halogen hob and I ended up buying her a new one, not paid back of course. When I asked her for some money towards it she said, and I quote, ‘It wasn’t your money anyway, why should I pay you. You can see I’m struggling too.” (40 a day ciggie habit and hoarder). God I am so glad she’s gone.

Lucyxxxx said:

I had a so called friend before. Lol the cheek of this girl. She come round my house one day and I'd just been out clothes shopping. I have the chest of an overweight pre pubescent boy, she had/has enormous massive melons. She was also 2 dress sizes bigger then me. She tried on my (expensive) new jacket. I calmly explained to her that the reason the jacket was riding half way up her belly and she couldn't zip it up properly was cause it didn't fit. Oh no that couldn't possibly be the reason, it just fitted us 'differently'. She left after a bit and I thought nothing of it. Later in the evening I realise one of my bags and all my new clothes were missing - she had smuggled my clothes out my house using my bag to do so, the nerve lmao. I go to ask her about it and I've been deleted on fb, number blocked and all sorts. So I put a public post on fb asking mutuals if they could let her know I'd like my stolen items back please. Her mother sent me some big long angry message about how she's the most loyal friend I'd ever have, I better watch my back and if I want my stuff I need to come and ask for it.

Last time I checked she has a child now - doesn't appear to be a father on the scene. Lol.

Click to expand...

I would have contacted the police

boatofbubbles said:

I'm going through a pretty rough time, at what point did you realise that some of the people around you wasn't all that great? And how do you cut them from your life and survive afterwards?

Click to expand...

Think about how you’d react towards a friend in the same situation and why. Then compare this to how your friends are behaving. Consider if there are any extenuating circumstances making them behave badly. Think about whether if you gave them another chance they would ever change their behaviour.

If the answers are - they are not treating you as you’d behave, there is no good reason why not, and they’ll continue not meeting basic standards of care/decency then cut them loose. Life is really too short to waste time on people who add nothing to your life but often expect to take from it.

I had a friend of 20 years who had always been hard work. When she was in a good mood she was great to be around, she could be kind, thoughtful and funny. But her mood could change in an instant and then she was hell to be around - angry, paranoid, aggressive, giving the quiet treatment etc.

I did so much for her over the years we were friends, although for a few years we didn’t see that much of each other because she lived in different countries. I had a difficult break up which I told her about and she really wasn’t there for me at all. She didn’t contact me on my birthday and when it came round to hers (a notable year) I thought I’d reach out to find out what was going on. I said I had been disappointed about the lack of support, but perhaps there had been things going on in her life that weren’t obvious from what had been portrayed on social media and it would be good to find out what had happened. She replied saying how good it was of me to acknowledge social media didn’t show the whole picture and of course there was a reason she’d stopped talking to me. That was it. There was a reason, she just wasn’t going to tell me what it was. I didn’t reply. Some months passed.

Then during the pandemic I had a pang of guilt and reached out to see how she was doing. She was happy to hear from me, she was back in the U.K but her husband was not yet back and she was lonely. I offered to go and visit (when it was allowed) and she didn’t bother to respond. That was the final straw for me - I deleted her from social media and life carries on.

I miss the times when we had fun together but I could counteract those with numerous more times she was a complete and utter nightmare to be around. I bumped into a couple of her family members on the tube a few months ago and discovered they were also estranged from her because she’d kicked off at them for some imagined slight. I think she may end up pretty lonely as friends fall away. None of our joint friends are still in touch with her.

You wondered how you might survive culling them. Think about how you might survive keeping such toxic people close to you, draining your energy and positivity. For some of the people who have replied their friends also drained their bank balance, wardrobe, self-esteem and confidence. It is better to have quality over quantity when it comes to friendships. Good luck with getting the best outcome for you x