Rubbish friends, how did you decide your cut off point?

[shadowcat5]

I knew I had to cut them off when I realised that they actually gave me intense anxiety. I couldn't trust them, I hated spending time with them cause I always came away feeling inadequate and lonely but I couldn't not go out with them cause I was worried they'd slag me off behind my back.

I ended up leaving the chats and I let it fizzle until I eventually blocked them. I feel better for it. They don't really deserve to have access to my life tbh and last I heard, they were still playing their games.

 

[pepe le pew]

Just after Christmas we were watching TV and the Ring doorbell went off. So I looked on the video cam, and there stood my ex friend on my doorstep. I couldn’t believe it. I had gone totally non contact with her for over 3 years. She was an absolute horror of a human being. A leech, a drain, and a spiteful narcissist. Even though I was on benefits she used to drain me of money weekly, cigarettes, petrol, groceries. Could I cook something for
her boys, she hadn’t had time to get to the shops. Yes, this floated. I fed her family four times a week, and there was four of them. She used me, and at the same time abused me. She loved to sound of her own voice. You couldn’t tell her anything that had happened during the day, you know, those little stories. Like who you bumped into, or something in the news. All she wanted to do was talk and repeat the same crap, over and over again. Her life was a drama. She used to call or text me over ten times a day. If I didn’t respond she would simply turn up on the doorstep. She never left me alone. She was struggling so I stayed in her life.
She drained me, financially emotionally mentally, when she used to leave my house I would almost collapse she was such hard work.

One day my daughter and I got caught in a rainstorm. It absolutely bucketed down with rain. We were soaked. We rushed home and had to take all our clothes off because we were saturated, almost like we’d jumped into a swimming pool fully clothed. As we are peeling off my mobile goes off. It’s her. So I say quickly to her, ‘I will call you back, we got caught in that rain, and I got to get this stuff off’ and I hung up. 30 minutes later she calls back and this is what she says. ‘There’s no rain forecast for Bolton today”. Me, well it bucketed down, me and Ang got soaked. Her, “I just called Irene who lives near you, and she said it wasn’t raining there’. Me, well it definately rained, you know it is possible for it to rain on one side of town and not the other’. Silence. me, do you think I’m making this up? Her, yes. Me, why would I make up a story about it rainin? Her, I can never tell when you are lying to me, your life is boring,so it makes sense you’d lie about something like that.
BYE

Three years free of her and her bullshit. And it turned out to be the straw that broke the camels back. I live my life without her. She was awful.

 

[Lucyxxxx]

The moment someone does something with intent towards my kids or me, it's bye bye forever. I don't tell them either. They are grown adults they know what they did and don't deserve an explanation. It's often been for things like owing me money and not paying me back thinking I'll be OK with it. Take your shitty £20, shove it up your arse and call it a severance payment. I cut people off and they always try over and over again to come back. They know what I'm like for cutting people off and always think they will be the exception. Haven't spoken to my own mother in 9 years and never will ever again cause she tried some slick shit with one of my kids. It's nothing for me to erase these losers and leeches out my life. Bon voyage, inabit, cya later, adios, hasta la vista and don't come back!!!

Also alot of people have tried to use me over the years when they didn't even like me. Your not about to use AND resent me dickhead. Go find some other clown.

 

[Sailorontheseasea]

No advice just solidarity. We are going through a rough time too with our little boy and I have 2 very close friends in particular who have offered little to no support over the past month. Just empty words really - if that. One of them lives 5 mins away and literally works in the hospital we were staying at. People show their true colours in times of need, I’ll be drifting slowly and just reducing contact to be honest xx

 

[Mollywobbles]

After 25 minutes on the phone listening to her I realised that she only talked about herself, never asked how I was.
Everyone in the world was wrong apart from her.
Best of all, she thought my consultant had me on the wrong drugs and next time I had a hospital appointment she would come with me discuss it with him.
I hung up on her.

It was a relief to have her out of my life

 

[yogiessexdubs]

* Two of my friends I grew up with & were like family to me didn't call me when my brother died (who they also grew up with) and then made the decision not to come to the funeral because someone they 'didn't like' would be there. Yeah, erm, bye.

* Most recently my friend of many years knew I was moving back to the country & have no family. Previously I'd mentioned to her before I'd be up for renting her spare room temporarily (she lives in a large house with her & husband & wanted to rent a room for extra £). Never heard anything more from her regarding that, which is totally fine, BUT she never once offered me any help or a place to stay for a few nights or anything.

People are the worst.

Edit: People generally show you who they are through actions & we can't help but give people chances. I really do think though they entirely know what they're doing a lot of the time.

 

[Clickbait]

I'm going through a pretty rough time, at what point did you realise that some of the people around you wasn't all that great? And how do you cut them from your life and survive afterwards?

Think about how you’d react towards a friend in the same situation and why. Then compare this to how your friends are behaving. Consider if there are any extenuating circumstances making them behave badly. Think about whether if you gave them another chance they would ever change their behaviour.

If the answers are - they are not treating you as you’d behave, there is no good reason why not, and they’ll continue not meeting basic standards of care/decency then cut them loose. Life is really too short to waste time on people who add nothing to your life but often expect to take from it.

I had a friend of 20 years who had always been hard work. When she was in a good mood she was great to be around, she could be kind, thoughtful and funny. But her mood could change in an instant and then she was hell to be around - angry, paranoid, aggressive, giving the quiet treatment etc.

I did so much for her over the years we were friends, although for a few years we didn’t see that much of each other because she lived in different countries. I had a difficult break up which I told her about and she really wasn’t there for me at all. She didn’t contact me on my birthday and when it came round to hers (a notable year) I thought I’d reach out to find out what was going on. I said I had been disappointed about the lack of support, but perhaps there had been things going on in her life that weren’t obvious from what had been portrayed on social media and it would be good to find out what had happened. She replied saying how good it was of me to acknowledge social media didn’t show the whole picture and of course there was a reason she’d stopped talking to me. That was it. There was a reason, she just wasn’t going to tell me what it was. I didn’t reply. Some months passed.

Then during the pandemic I had a pang of guilt and reached out to see how she was doing. She was happy to hear from me, she was back in the U.K but her husband was not yet back and she was lonely. I offered to go and visit (when it was allowed) and she didn’t bother to respond. That was the final straw for me - I deleted her from social media and life carries on.

I miss the times when we had fun together but I could counteract those with numerous more times she was a complete and utter nightmare to be around. I bumped into a couple of her family members on the tube a few months ago and discovered they were also estranged from her because she’d kicked off at them for some imagined slight. I think she may end up pretty lonely as friends fall away. None of our joint friends are still in touch with her.

You wondered how you might survive culling them. Think about how you might survive keeping such toxic people close to you, draining your energy and positivity. For some of the people who have replied their friends also drained their bank balance, wardrobe, self-esteem and confidence. It is better to have quality over quantity when it comes to friendships. Good luck with getting the best outcome for you x

 

[Lucyxxxx]

I had another 'friend' try say she could only drive to my house if I paid fuel. Obviously that never happened. She said it cost £15 in fuel. I found some website that could calculate how much fuel you would use in a journey. The fuel cost was something like £2.60. Get gone you absolute SCAB.

 

[Lucyxxxx]

I had a so called friend before. Lol the cheek of this girl. She come round my house one day and I'd just been out clothes shopping. I have the chest of an overweight pre pubescent boy, she had/has enormous massive melons. She was also 2 dress sizes bigger then me. She tried on my (expensive) new jacket. I calmly explained to her that the reason the jacket was riding half way up her belly and she couldn't zip it up properly was cause it didn't fit. Oh no that couldn't possibly be the reason, it just fitted us 'differently'. She left after a bit and I thought nothing of it. Later in the evening I realise one of my bags and all my new clothes were missing - she had smuggled my clothes out my house using my bag to do so, the nerve lmao. I go to ask her about it and I've been deleted on fb, number blocked and all sorts. So I put a public post on fb asking mutuals if they could let her know I'd like my stolen items back please. Her mother sent me some big long angry message about how she's the most loyal friend I'd ever have, I better watch my back and if I want my stuff I need to come and ask for it.

Last time I checked she has a child now - doesn't appear to be a father on the scene. Lol.

 

[justonemorepage]

So as I've got older I've become a master of cutting people out of my life. I lived a lot of my life being a people pleaser and it just got me hurt over and over. I suffer with anxiety and a group of girls I'd been friends with in school became unbearable to be around. Whenever I'd see them they'd constantly bitch about other people and it just didn't sit well with me, especially as I worked with some people they bitched about and I liked those people. I used to dread going out with them and they hated all of my other friends and I had to hide when I saw them if I was out with other friends as they made my life hell over it. They also never accepted my boyfriend (definitely a race issue) and if they were going out as couples I was expected to go on my own, including weddings. One day I snapped and haven't spoken to them since.

Another girl I was close with who was ten years younger than me, she suffered with bad mental health like me and I suppose that's what we bonded over but I'm an empath and that friendship drained me so much. She actually ended up ghosting me but I actually felt relieved.

Since getting new friends I've felt the calmest I have in years. I enjoy my friendship groups now and there's no pressure on anyone. We're all adults and no one acts like high school mean girls

 

[LaBlonde]

i’ve only ever really cut off one rubbish friend (and at the beginning of last year) - she was always extremely self absorbed, just in the way that she is the Main Character of her life and everyone else is just the supporting cast. you were never really allowed to be fallible around her, she would stop speaking to friends the instant they didn’t treat her absolutely perfectly.

i always rode it out because we’d been friends for so long but i lost both my remaining grandparents in 2021 and she straight up forgot that my grandmother died. like it was just a detail that didn’t even feature with her. when i looked back i then realised that she frequently forgot things about me and what was going on with me, and i just couldn’t be bothered. i have other friends so

 

[Tommyb]

The moment I decided to step back was when I met up with them and ended up walking away from the meeting feeling bad about myself and that I hadn't enjoyed myself at all.

I also learned you don't have to completely cut off ..just a simple fade away. The trick is learning which friend fits into which category.

 

[boatofbubbles]

After months of agonising over things, coming to absolute breaking point. I have come to the decision that maybe we were just "friends" just because we went to school together. Breaking away from the mean girl mentality is the best for me, if that means I will be topic of conversation for a bit it's fine because I won't know either way. Once I came to terms with that, its the calmest I felt in a long while. Its a odd feeling.

 

[Mycatoliver]

I’m sorry you’re having a shit time
Shit times, having a baby (not from personal experience) and weddings (personal experience) seem to bring shit friends to the forefront. Important or significant life events somehow weed out the good and bad friends.

A running theme is you realise certain so called friends are just self absorbed and fair weather friends so it’s actually no loss when the friendship dies a death. If you have self absorbed friends as you get older honestly you’re glad to kick em to the curb.

I had one friend who I realised was self absorbed and we weren’t friends. I tried so hard. I knew deep down she would mess me around about my wedding and she did …no acknowledging the invite, I chased repeatedly for rsvp, cheeky bitch said weeks later she was coming and then a day or so before didn’t apologise but said she wasn’t coming anyhow….so it was the perfect excuse but I’d already not given a shit about her or our friendship as I knew it was done.
Her behaviour around the wedding was the excuse/reason for just cutting her off completely and it felt wonderful.

another friend who again I had tried for years with but she’s self absorbed to the point of it being ridiculous dropped out of my wedding the night before….ok but that wasn’t the reason I thought fuck off but it was her
Her message to me which of course revolves around her and her achievements she ended with her telling me she’s now head of a department at her school and all about her nothing about good luck for tomorrow it was any excuse to talk about herself
Since the wedding she hasn’t once messaged to ask how it went or to see pics and I thought yeah that’s done.

In both cases I mentally detached. I will never ever bother with them again and wouldn’t respond to their messages if they contacted me, but they won’t contact me so technically it’s drifting apart.

Would love to tell them what I really think and their lack of manners and self obsession but then I look at them both and see that they’ve haemorrhaged loads of friends over the years and it’s not just me
People just get fed up.

I knew I had to cut them off when I realised that they actually gave me intense anxiety. I couldn't trust them, I hated spending time with them cause I always came away feeling inadequate and lonely but I couldn't not go out with them cause I was worried they'd slag me off behind my back.

I ended up leaving the chats and I let it fizzle until I eventually blocked them. I feel better for it. They don't really deserve to have access to my life tbh and last I heard, they were still playing their games.

Yes with first friend it was major anxiety. I didn’t want to interact with her. So stressful and I felt forced Because our mutual friend was desperate to keep us as a weird little threesome

 

[Rxt156]

I had a so called friend before. Lol the cheek of this girl. She come round my house one day and I'd just been out clothes shopping. I have the chest of an overweight pre pubescent boy, she had/has enormous massive melons. She was also 2 dress sizes bigger then me. She tried on my (expensive) new jacket. I calmly explained to her that the reason the jacket was riding half way up her belly and she couldn't zip it up properly was cause it didn't fit. Oh no that couldn't possibly be the reason, it just fitted us 'differently'. She left after a bit and I thought nothing of it. Later in the evening I realise one of my bags and all my new clothes were missing - she had smuggled my clothes out my house using my bag to do so, the nerve lmao. I go to ask her about it and I've been deleted on fb, number blocked and all sorts. So I put a public post on fb asking mutuals if they could let her know I'd like my stolen items back please. Her mother sent me some big long angry message about how she's the most loyal friend I'd ever have, I better watch my back and if I want my stuff I need to come and ask for it.

Last time I checked she has a child now - doesn't appear to be a father on the scene. Lol.

She stole from you and her family have the nerve to threaten you as well. WTF!!!

 

[LittleMy]

I find it relatively easy to cease contact with someone when a friendship has drifted off course or I feel like they’re toxic or not good for my mental health. I just no longer give them my attention. I’m quite a detached person though by nature and I know for some people that would be too difficult to do. I’ve learnt over the years that I don’t have to waste my time on things and people that aren’t making a positive impact on my life. You only get one.

 

[mee43]

Drifting seems less brutal. I’m trying to do that at the moment, and finding it hard because it’s making me feel rude!.
I’ve a friendship group that I feel very much in the edges of. Some of it is my fault; I’m a quieter, more reserved person than the others and often don’t get a word in edgeways.
But I always remember what people tell me. if someone is going away, or something important is happening. At least I’ll ask how it went, etc., None of them seem to have any real interest in what everyone else is doing, unless it’s to copy or better it.
I once dropped everything to go and help one of them out in a crisis. A few months later, she was relating the story to me, as if I weren’t there; she’d completely completely forgotten! Which just made me feel so insignificant.
Another time I was with this same person when she picked up a box of Christmas Cards, saying that they’d do for neighbours etc, and she’d get better ones for close friends. She later gave one of them to me!! This year she did a similar thing; it’s all these little things that make me realise that i’ve been investing more in the friendship than them.
I had a Birthday recently. One of them remembered and sent me a card, another messaged a few days later to apologise for missing it. No one else knew or remembered. We’ve been friends for around 7 years now.
I’ve come to realise that, rightly or wrongly, I don’t want to feel the way they make me feel.
But I feel rude at the moment because I’ve not responded to a group chat about a possible night out. And I’ve agreed to something else that’s happening at the end of the summer that I now know I don’t want to go to.
It’s not easy. I’m sorry you’re having a rough time, and I hope you find a way through it.

 

[Rosie glow]

I had a work friend we got on great I even made her part of my wedding, then she left for another store and the calls etc started to drop off I then realised she was the kind if person who was just friends with who they were with at the time if that makes sense.
I still occasionally see her in the shop but not very often and I get the we will have to meet up.
I don't get in touch with her anymore agree with above poster let it drift and it will fizzle out naturally

 

[disillusionedbythegram]

Just after Christmas we were watching TV and the Ring doorbell went off. So I looked on the video cam, and there stood my ex friend on my doorstep. I couldn’t believe it. I had gone totally non contact with her for over 3 years. She was an absolute horror of a human being. A leech, a drain, and a spiteful narcissist. Even though I was on benefits she used to drain me of money weekly, cigarettes, petrol, groceries. Could I cook something for
her boys, she hadn’t had time to get to the shops. Yes, this floated. I fed her family four times a week, and there was four of them. She used me, and at the same time abused me. She loved to sound of her own voice. You couldn’t tell her anything that had happened during the day, you know, those little stories. Like who you bumped into, or something in the news. All she wanted to do was talk and repeat the same crap, over and over again. Her life was a drama. She used to call or text me over ten times a day. If I didn’t respond she would simply turn up on the doorstep. She never left me alone. She was struggling so I stayed in her life.
She drained me, financially emotionally mentally, when she used to leave my house I would almost collapse she was such hard work.

One day my daughter and I got caught in a rainstorm. It absolutely bucketed down with rain. We were soaked. We rushed home and had to take all our clothes off because we were saturated, almost like we’d jumped into a swimming pool fully clothed. As we are peeling off my mobile goes off. It’s her. So I say quickly to her, ‘I will call you back, we got caught in that rain, and I got to get this stuff off’ and I hung up. 30 minutes later she calls back and this is what she says. ‘There’s no rain forecast for Bolton today”. Me, well it bucketed down, me and Ang got soaked. Her, “I just called Irene who lives near you, and she said it wasn’t raining there’. Me, well it definately rained, you know it is possible for it to rain on one side of town and not the other’. Silence. me, do you think I’m making this up? Her, yes. Me, why would I make up a story about it rainin? Her, I can never tell when you are lying to me, your life is boring,so it makes sense you’d lie about something like that.
BYE

Three years free of her and her bullshit. And it turned out to be the straw that broke the camels back. I live my life without her. She was awful.

Please could you update with why she was at your door three years later? Or didn’t you answer? I’m very invested

So I haven’t actually cut out any friends yet but am in the process of drifting. Had a very close core group of friends at uni and all through our 20s we remained close, despite me being at a different life stage to them. Basically I got married in my mid 20s and had moved into my own home and had a child by 30, we’re all early 30s now and they’ve only just got houses/engaged. Despite being at totally different stages I always made an effort to still go to things I could do (birthday brunches, nights out, always recognised birthdays and job promotions with a card and bunch of flowers) but naturally there were some things I just couldn’t do because of my role as a mother or because of finances, such as girls holidays abroad.

Anyway, one of them is getting married abroad and having her hen do abroad this year, and after originally agreeing to it when we were asked a year ago, the situation has totally changed now. Cost of living crisis has affected us massively, plus I’m pregnant again and the wedding is no kids. We could’ve made it work for my older child but not for the baby. I explained this (still with 9 months to go before the wedding) and it hasn’t gone down well at all. Zero empathy or understanding for the situation, just that she’s disappointed I haven’t prioritised her. Then speaking to my other friends about how I’m not a good friend.

Looking back, I’ve realised that similar to what other people have said, she’s just the main character and everyone else is there to support her. She never checks in on me/my family, never messages, whenever we do meet up it’s all gossip about her other friends (which makes me wonder what she says to them about me). With regards to the other friends, one came to me immediately when she found out I wasn’t attending, asked if I was okay, arranged to meet up and has been really supportive. The other friend (who I assume has also been told) has essentially stopped replying to my messages. So I’m currently in the process of letting it drift. Haven’t messaged either of them since the start of December and neither have made any attempts to get in touch with me. It really hurts, I don’t feel like anything prepares you for the heartbreak of friendships ending, but ultimately they don’t deserve my energy. There’s plenty of friends who love me and rather than trying to impress girls who couldn’t give a shit, I’d rather spend time with those who genuinely like me for who I am.

 

[Itsjustmesmee]

I'm going through a pretty rough time, at what point did you realise that some of the people around you wasn't all that great? And how do you cut them from your life and survive afterwards?

For me it just go to a point where it was actually causing me more headaches to put up with the crapyness , so i stopped instigating texts phonecalls and meet ups, months went past and I hadn't heard from them so I just left it