Relationship issues and relationship talk

[Quarrantinemadness]

Please keep a record of everything he says and does, with screenshots/recordings etc.

Speak to organisations that can offer help and support.

His behaviour is worrying. Have you got a friend that you could stay with that he doesn't know so you can get some space and seek some support?

Thank you I will do x
I know, he’s turned up plastered in the morning before now shouting and being agressive. Not really, no one knows what he’s like as I’ve only told one person. I’ve got animals I can’t leave either. I’ve put the catch thing on the door so it can’t be opened xx

 

[ToolaRoola]

@LouBug19 I know you posted on the other thread too but just wondering has it always been like this since you met?

 

[Ray1403]

We are both 35

About 2 years - since the youngest was born!

have you been to your GP about it? it could be a hormonal issue, it's quite common post partum. i had my first baby 2 years ago and due to trauma from the labour we didn't have sex for like a year afterwards, then it was sporadic every few months until we decided to try for another baby in april. lo and behold i started enjoying it again and i think it was because i'd come off contraceptives and for the first time since the conception of our 2 year old my hormones were "normal". of course then we conceived in the first month and i'm now so sick in my first trimester we're back to not doing it at all. it's just a season, we'll get back to it. my point is, there may be an actual medical reason that's worth looking into if you want to.

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

Hi everyone, posted here before about my ex partner. Since I posted I haven’t been allowed to see him as he’s on bail, but we have spoken secretly because I’m pathetic and feel like he needs help.
I told the police I didn’t want to support a prosecution or provide a statement. It appears they are nearing the end of their investigation and are referring the case to the CPS, so they believe they have grounds to prosecute for DV.
My ex has said that he’s just going to blame me so they don’t take it further and tell them it was all my fault that he used to call me all kinds of names, threatened to destroy me for cheating on numerous occasions (I have NEVER cheated, it’s all in his head when he’s drunk) turning up at my house at all hours hammered shouting at me etc
I’ve been through every single one of our messages and I’ve never been like that to him, but for some reason I’m worried.
I can’t seem to grasp that I’m not in the wrong, and that it wasn’t right the way he was speaking to me. He’s adamant that none of what he’s said or done matters because he hasn’t physically hit me.
I feel like I need help, like counselling. I’ve had to give up my career due to ill health so only work a few hours a week now in a basic job, so I can’t be affording £100 a session counselling, but then I can’t go to my GP for NHS help because they have me down as living at my parents house (I lied as I don’t want to move surgery) and letters always end up being sent there despite me saying I don’t want letters.
when I was in really bad health in and out of hospital my mum would always open the letters to help me out remembering appointments and procedures etc, so now she just opens all letters sent there as they’re all medical. I can’t suddenly say don’t open my letters as she’ll know something is wrong. I just know a letter would slip through the net and end up on their doormat!
I feel like I’ve got nowhere to turn. I’m questioning myself, like is it normal for a partner to be like he was, and have I been too sensitive? But then at the same time surely his messages and actions were not right if the police are referring to the CPS?
Why do I care more about helping my ex than my own sanity and well being? Why can’t I just turn my back on him?
Sorry if none of this makes sense x

 

[whoareyouu]

No, not really. We used to have flirty phone calls, we had sex when we first met. Just died down over the last few months.

It is really tough to bring a subject like this up at times. I do think you both need to discuss it though because you do not want it to turn to resentment on either side.

 

[KirstyC]

Hey I don’t post on here often but needed someone to talk to.

Back story.. I’ve been with this guy for 4 years, we call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I am a single (coparenting) mum of one 9 year old daughter.. I was married to her dad for 4 years then we broke up and not long that I started dating this guy. He works in my home town as a contractor but lives 2.5 hours away and has a 7 year old son where he lives that he coparents with his sons mum.

Started off great in the relationship, in the first year together he said he planned to move to my town and move in together, we discussed possibly starting a family etc etc things were good. I met his family, me and my daughter spent time at his house and vice versa. His son’s mother has tried to come in between us several times but we just shrugged this off and got on with things.

Fast forward into around year 2/3 of the relationship and he realised he doesn’t want to leave his home and son as he spends a lot of time with his son when he’s not working. His own dad walked out on him when he was young and he realised he didn’t want to move 2.5 hours away from his son. Part of me was gutted but I decided that he’s my “person” and that those things didn’t matter, I thought we could work it out.

We still spend as much time together as we can, go away together, spent time with friends and family, we’ve been on holiday together, but my mental health has started to take a dip. I don’t feel enjoyment from many things anymore and im struggling with what I want from my life. I’m
40 and feel like I’m having an identity crisis/ midlife crisis.

I’ve never been in a relationship that hasn’t naturally progressed and I’m not sure how I feel about the relationship at present. I love him so much and want a future together but he’s just happy to live separately and carry on as we are.

I’m really torn as he is the most wonderful person I’ve ever met, we get on so well, we have a laugh together, he’s a great person and a great dad to his son but I can’t help feeling I want more from him.

I’ve had “the chat” with him so many times but he won’t budge, he said he’s happy bringing up his son where he is now and if he didn’t have his son he would have moved here with me, started a family etc.

Part of me thinks I’ll just wait and stay as things are now until our kids get older then we can move in etc but the other part of me wants the family unit, a partner that lives with me, marriage etc etc.

I guess I’m saying have found my person but we’re at different stages and want different things.

I don’t know if I’m looking to vent, looking for advice or what I just can’t really talk to my friends and family properly as they generally just say “I don’t know how you do it”

Part of me wants to leave and try and “move on” but the other part of me thinks that he’s the person I’m meant to be with despite the struggles and that I’d feel awful leaving him just because he doesn’t want to move away from his son. Helllllpppp!

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

I hope everything is ok now. Everything you described about that situation was terrifying. Please don’t let him worm his way back in again xxxx

Thank you xx
I won’t, as much as I don’t want to be alone.
I don’t think he’d contact me anyway, he will be livid that he got arrested, especially if they can prove he was drink driving. He’ll lose his job if they can, and it will make things very difficult for him having his son. I can imagine he’ll hate me now x

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

Reading this has reminded me of what happened with my ex. I got him arrested when he had been drinking as he was kicking off, threatening to kill me etc. He was arrested the sunday morning and I felt relieved but by the Monday after people even telling me to leave him and the police advising me that he might kill me i took him back. He was on bail and he came back to live with me and I had to hide him for months. I didn't want him prosecuted and made it clear I wouldn't turn up for any trial. He blamed me for everything, asking why I told the police what he did and I was thinking because you did?! I honestly regret every decision I made in that time. I cared about him too much, I wanted the best for him and that fucked me up. He died 3 years later and that also ruined me and I wish I had listened to all those people telling me to run. So I would say to you stay away from him. He will never change and you will regret this decision.

I’m so sorry you went through that. They never admit they’re in the wrong and take responsibility for their actions.
I’ve told him I’m done and won’t be trying to help him further. His response was I’ve bought you a candle. Just another attempt to keep me dangling.
I’ve never felt so drained in my life. Can’t wait until all this is behind me and I only have myself to worry about x

 

[lallallalalalalalala]

Do you mind me asking how old you are?

We are both 35

how long has it been??

About 2 years - since the youngest was born!

 

[LouBug19]

I know it’s difficult but you need to talk to him about it, in a relaxed manner, you could cover the basics first, what he likes dislikes, what you like/don’t like.

Tell him you would like him to be more proactive, ask him if he prefers you to do the same. I know for some couples, they schedule a night a week at least for their own special time, works for busy parents mostly but could help get you started

It is difficult and these are conversations that make me nervous but I know need to be had. The more time goes on the worse it will get. My sex drive has went away recently but I don't want to be a sexless couple and we both get frustrated.

 

[Lovenews]

We are both 35

About 2 years - since the youngest was born!

Would u want to have sex with someone else or is it a case of you got your kids now sex is over?

 

[Erling Haaland]

I’m definitely getting a camera and got the locks changed. I still feel bad, I do love him, but he was scaring me when he’d had a drink
I don’t know what the police are going to do but they said he’s now on bail and can’t contact me or come to my address etc. I’ve told them I don’t want to give a statement or take it further.
I’m gutted this didn’t work out, I won’t put myself out there ever again, I’m just going to be alone, it’s easier that way x

I hope everything is ok now. Everything you described about that situation was terrifying. Please don’t let him worm his way back in again xxxx

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

We are both 35

About 2 years - since the youngest was born!

Sorry for the delay!
Could you be peri? My drive reduced massively until I was put on low dose testosterone and now it’s high again! X

 

[LouBug19]

Looking for advice, me and my boyfriend have been together over a year. It's a great relationship, he treats me really well and we have a great time together but intimacy is lacking. I think both of us are lacking self confidence and it's like we are waiting on the other one making a move. I'm scared to incase he rejects me which sounds stupid but that would make me feel a lot worse. I came out of a 9 year relationship before meeting him so this is all new to me again.

 

[Codiaeum]

No, not really. We used to have flirty phone calls, we had sex when we first met. Just died down over the last few months.

Maybe a bit weird, but how about watching a series like Sex Education together? My partner and I have been together since forever, pretty much learned intimacy together, but also find it awkward to talk about many things and fell into a bit of a rut. We watched Sex Education mostly because it is really funny (last season is crap though) but surprisingly it somehow made us talk as well.

 

[Monkeymagic85]

It is difficult and these are conversations that make me nervous but I know need to be had. The more time goes on the worse it will get. My sex drive has went away recently but I don't want to be a sexless couple and we both get frustrated.

I absolutely get it, I grew up in a house where anything to do with sex was ‘dirty’ and forbidden and I find it cringe to talk about, my partner is on the opposite end and just comes out and asks which usually spurs on the conversation.

Could you maybe message him if you find it difficult?

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

He’s just driven here paralytic
Tried and tried to get in my door banging
On it
Shouting up to my bedroom at the front door
I said I was calling the police and eventually he went
He’s not left my key
I don’t want to waste police time
Now getting messages calling me every name under the sun

 

[LouBug19]

Once we watched outlander and that spurred him on i adore him, he's been amazing for me after what I've been through. Sometimes I want to give myself a kick and say just come on to him but something is holding me back!

 

[Monkeymagic85]

Looking for advice, me and my boyfriend have been together over a year. It's a great relationship, he treats me really well and we have a great time together but intimacy is lacking. I think both of us are lacking self confidence and it's like we are waiting on the other one making a move. I'm scared to incase he rejects me which sounds stupid but that would make me feel a lot worse. I came out of a 9 year relationship before meeting him so this is all new to me again.

I know it’s difficult but you need to talk to him about it, in a relaxed manner, you could cover the basics first, what he likes dislikes, what you like/don’t like.

Tell him you would like him to be more proactive, ask him if he prefers you to do the same. I know for some couples, they schedule a night a week at least for their own special time, works for busy parents mostly but could help get you started

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

So many of you on this thread are having such an awful time, but so glad you're getting support and advice.

I feel so silly writing this one but I'm considering leaving a good man just because I have no sex drive any more. We have been together fifteen years,since teenagers, and have two young kids - 2 & 4. I don't want to have sex very often. He wants it. He never forces me - but there's just this sad, angry air in our house all the time because he feels rejected by me and angry I don't want him. I don't know how to change how I feel. I don't know how to change how he feels. I keep thinking the only solution is to walk away from him so he can find someone who matches his desire. But that would really cause problems for our children. Help!

Do you mind me asking how old you are?