Relationship issues and relationship talk

[Erling Haaland]

My ex has said that he’s just going to blame me so they don’t take it further and tell them it was all my fault that he used to call me all kinds of names, threatened to destroy me for cheating on numerous occasions (I have NEVER cheated, it’s all in his head when he’s drunk) turning up at my house at all hours hammered shouting at me etc

without wanting to sound harsh, he clearly hates you. What exactly are you getting from this ‘relationship’?

i agree you need to contact Women’s Aid ‍🩹

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

I’m stuck in a relationship I can’t get out of.
Everytime I try to end it, he turns up at my house and manipulates me, even puts on the waterworks. Then every week we have the same thing. Agressive behaviour, wants someone to put up and shut up, a little wife that does everything, but that doesn’t actually get anything in return. Like a wife from the 50’s where they did everything for their husbands, running round like idiots after them, food on the table etc etc
He drinks at weekends then the next day he’s so nasty and aggressive but denies drinking. I’m not stupid, he’s a totally different person after drinking.
How can I end it for good? He’s just turned up again and marched upstairs (I’m ill in bed) and started shouted at me swearing. saying I want him out of the way to cheat (wtf). I asked him to leave my house key and go, and he’s just driven off with my key (we don’t live together).
Tomorrow he’ll be all apologetic, will probably cry about how much he loves me, and say he was ill and I did something to make him agressive the last time he practically had a breakdown that I’d ended things.
I’ve done nothing wrong. But it’s always me that’s caused him to be like he is apparently.
I said why are you being aggressive and he said if I was being agressive you’d know about it because I’d smash your head against the wall.
Posting here as I can’t tell anyone close to me this is happening. I just don’t know how to stop it for good.
I’m not scared anymore, now that I’m used to this pattern of behaviour. I would call the police if he tried to hurt me so I’m not worried in that respect

 

[LouBug19]

Thank you x
I feel so bad though, he’s in custody. He needs help he turns into a different person when he’s been drinking, it’s really sad.
Yeah can get them changed today, the police id get my key etc for me x

Don't feel bad, I can completely relate to what you're going through. He needs to understand that he needs help and if he's not willing to do it then he needs to be on his own. Drink is the devil and it killed my ex boyfriend. I wish i made him get help but he didnt want it.

 

[neverbeeninfluenced]

OK. First of all, know none of this is your fault and you can and will get through this.

Have you told anyone IRL?
Are there any children involved?
Do you share assets? Like a purchased home etc.
Do you have the financial ability to leave?

I have been there. I wasn’t married and he didn’t physically hit me but it was exactly as you describe, even down to the button incident.

Please contact Women’s Aid.

Gosh, thank you so much for ‘validating’ what I’m feeling. In situations like this there I feel the perpetrator makes the victim feel like they are to blame. He wouldn’t have done it if I had just sewn on the button. He got in my personal space as he thought I was getting into his first etc
Friends know he is a bit of a dick
We do have a child - this has always been the reason I was happy to play the long game and sacrifice my happiness as long as our child wasn’t impacted
We do have a house but with this I feel like he’s financially bullied me. In that he got a redundancy so paid off the mortgage so in his eyes most of the house is his.
I do have some savings and I do work - thankfully

Once again. Thank you

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

That is the worst part, right - you give in because for a short while, it will be easier - then things get bad again, you try to distance yourself, but the loop just continues. If he does indeed ring your work, etc I believe that in itself is grounds for filing a complaint with the police as it would count as stalking. When you have made it clear you want no further contact with him that should be sufficient, but as @qqwertyy wrote, things get the most dangerous when women try to leave. I think I've read that it takes seven tries on average for a woman to leave an abusive situation, precisely because it is very hard, dangerous and for a short while a lot easier than trying to get away.
I really think some sort of organisation would be your best call - as you say, physically you stand no chance and most of the abusive behaviour is verbal and emotional right now, which leaves unable to get away.

Thank you, I’m definitely going to end the loop this time. I text earlier asking if he could post my key and driving licence through the door and he rang me and called me every name under the sun, including a c*nt. I’ve done nothing wrong
I’ve blocked him on everything now.
Will put the latch on my door tonight so he can’t get in a with a key either x

 

[YeahBrackie]

Thank you xx
I won’t, as much as I don’t want to be alone.
I don’t think he’d contact me anyway, he will be livid that he got arrested, especially if they can prove he was drink driving. He’ll lose his job if they can, and it will make things very difficult for him having his son. I can imagine he’ll hate me now x

How are you doing now? I hope you're okay

 

[Magwitch]

Thank you x
I feel so bad though, he’s in custody. He needs help he turns into a different person when he’s been drinking, it’s really sad.
Yeah can get them changed today, the police id get my key etc for me x

Ah that’s great about the keys, you’ll feel much safer when that’s done. My partner is a recovering alcoholic, and although he was never violent I totally understand what you are saying. He was a completely different person when he had been drinking. Don’t feel bad though. It was a very dangerous situation for you and he needs to be dealt with. Hopefully this will be a wake up call for him. But actually this is not your problem anymore. Stay strong, don’t take him back!

 

[neverbeeninfluenced]

Thank you for your comments.
I’ve took steps to build up a support network and told a friend so I now feel like I’ve got support network and somebody to go to.

On Monday I sent him a message as I’ve often found this to be the best way to make him listen. He has an adult daughter from a previous marriage and I just asked him what he’d do if she said her boyfriend had held an iron to her face. He didn’t respond. When he got back from work I said have you seen my message.
His response was why are you bringing this up now I thought we’d settled it yesterday. Sorry I was sick of arguing after having a hot iron held up to my face. Him - it wasn’t hot. Erm yes it was as I felt the heat in my face. Well you put your face in the way of the iron. Yes so apparently in his version I put my head on the ironing board while he was ironing. Sure the police will believe that story!

I don’t know whether I’m being naive but I actually don’t feel like he would ever physically hurt me so I’m actually not afraid as such (appreciate this sounds stupid and naive). He thinks he is threatening me but I see him for what he is which is a bully who is using his size to intimidate and get his own way and actually he is coward.

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

No, it isn’t normal behaviour from him.

I went through something similar and it took an intervention staged by my mam involving a woman who went through the same as me to realise how fucked it all was. You cannot help this man. He is saying he is going to blame you. He is literally going to try to implicate you to save his own skin. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t care for you, he is a parasite. I would speak to the police again and advise what he is saying to you.

You cannot be in touch with or help this man. Please, I beg of you.

You are trauma bonded. I remember screaming and crying on the floor begging my ex not to leave. I told myself I’d be better. I tried to change every single element of myself to stop him reacting. I believed that if only I was better that he’d be happier. All I had done wrong is try to give everything to a man who was using me and didn’t care for me.

I met someone new a year after my ex moved out and not once has he raised his voice, called me a name or made me feel unsafe. I know I’m fucked up now because I see that normal behaviour as something special when it should be the standard.

You have got this babe and I’m hear to listen and help as much as I can. You CAN do this. X

Thanks so much xx
Hearing what you went through made me feel so sad for you, it’s mad how I can see how wrong it is when reading what someone else has gone through, yet when it comes to yourself you just can’t see it
I feel really sad for him, it’s so wrong.
I’ve never had a nice relationship, even my marriage of 11 years, I just took it and thought that was how life was. It’s taken me 10 years after divorce to be in a proper relationship again, and after this one I don’t think I could do it again
I’m glad you’ve found someone who treats you how you should be treated. I agree, it should come as standard. I always seem to get “you just want to be treated like a princess”, and I don’t, I just want to be treated right and with respect

 

[Codiaeum]

Hi Tattlers. I have a question about physical abuse, so I will put it behind a cut

Spoiler: Tw: hitting

If a guy hit you on the bum a lot, to the point where it was really painful and you often had to run away, or walk around not turning your back to him, would you consider that violence?

I guess I never thought of it that way, because he passed it off like it was sexual teasing and he always grinned when he did it. But it really hurt, it didn't feel like a normal slap on the bum. And he knew I was always trying to get away or not turn my back to him. Today I was just wondering is this any different than being slapped across the face?

I'll put my answer behind a spoiler as well:

Spoiler: spoiler

Yes, this would count as violence. It does not matter where you have been slapped, whether he meant it in a sexual fashion or that he was laughing, the key point is: it hurt you. You were actively trying to avoid being with your back towards him or even trying to get out of reach. You did not consent to being slapped.
Please, if you have not already, remove yourself from this man

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

Thank you everyone x
He didn’t turn up, or at least I didn’t hear anything. No key or licence posted through.
I slept like a log for the first time in ages
Had an abusive voicmail off him from a withheld number, the sad thing is he was with people and thought it was ok to speak to me like he did in the message in front of people. Never had any respect for me at all apparently he wants all his stuff back. He doesn’t have anything here just trying to be Billy big bollocks in front of his friends.
I’ve woke up thinking of changing my dark hair to blonde, and you know what they say about the hair change!

 

[LouBug19]

Hi everyone, posted here before about my ex partner. Since I posted I haven’t been allowed to see him as he’s on bail, but we have spoken secretly because I’m pathetic and feel like he needs help.
I told the police I didn’t want to support a prosecution or provide a statement. It appears they are nearing the end of their investigation and are referring the case to the CPS, so they believe they have grounds to prosecute for DV.
My ex has said that he’s just going to blame me so they don’t take it further and tell them it was all my fault that he used to call me all kinds of names, threatened to destroy me for cheating on numerous occasions (I have NEVER cheated, it’s all in his head when he’s drunk) turning up at my house at all hours hammered shouting at me etc
I’ve been through every single one of our messages and I’ve never been like that to him, but for some reason I’m worried.
I can’t seem to grasp that I’m not in the wrong, and that it wasn’t right the way he was speaking to me. He’s adamant that none of what he’s said or done matters because he hasn’t physically hit me.
I feel like I need help, like counselling. I’ve had to give up my career due to ill health so only work a few hours a week now in a basic job, so I can’t be affording £100 a session counselling, but then I can’t go to my GP for NHS help because they have me down as living at my parents house (I lied as I don’t want to move surgery) and letters always end up being sent there despite me saying I don’t want letters.
when I was in really bad health in and out of hospital my mum would always open the letters to help me out remembering appointments and procedures etc, so now she just opens all letters sent there as they’re all medical. I can’t suddenly say don’t open my letters as she’ll know something is wrong. I just know a letter would slip through the net and end up on their doormat!
I feel like I’ve got nowhere to turn. I’m questioning myself, like is it normal for a partner to be like he was, and have I been too sensitive? But then at the same time surely his messages and actions were not right if the police are referring to the CPS?
Why do I care more about helping my ex than my own sanity and well being? Why can’t I just turn my back on him?
Sorry if none of this makes sense x

Reading this has reminded me of what happened with my ex. I got him arrested when he had been drinking as he was kicking off, threatening to kill me etc. He was arrested the sunday morning and I felt relieved but by the Monday after people even telling me to leave him and the police advising me that he might kill me i took him back. He was on bail and he came back to live with me and I had to hide him for months. I didn't want him prosecuted and made it clear I wouldn't turn up for any trial. He blamed me for everything, asking why I told the police what he did and I was thinking because you did?! I honestly regret every decision I made in that time. I cared about him too much, I wanted the best for him and that fucked me up. He died 3 years later and that also ruined me and I wish I had listened to all those people telling me to run. So I would say to you stay away from him. He will never change and you will regret this decision.

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

It really should just be as easy as block his number, change the locks and call the police if he turns up. Thank god you don’t live with him.

But as we all know the most dangerous time when you’re involved with an abusive man is when you try to leave. I agree that you might need to contact a women’s organisation to help you to do it properly.

I know you’d think it would be, but he just manages to worm his way back by doing stuff such as ringing my work etc then I just give in out of sheer embarrassment because it’s easier.
Thank you x

 

[ToolaRoola]

Please keep a record of everything he says and does, with screenshots/recordings etc.

Speak to organisations that can offer help and support.

His behaviour is worrying. Have you got a friend that you could stay with that he doesn't know so you can get some space and seek some support?

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

First of all, none of this is your fault, and I’m very sorry that this is happening into you. It is difficult to leave and as you say, anytime you try, you get stuck in a loop. But I’m also concerned for your safety and knowing that you would call the police doesn’t make the danger any less serious. Not all abuse is physical and to me your situation reads like abuse.
Is there a women’s shelter like Refuge that you could contact? They might be able to advise how to proceed safely and can also assist you leaving.

Thank you xx I feel so stuck.
I’d feel so stupid though, he’d just manipulate any situation to being my fault, like I’d made a mountain out of a molehill and make our I’m a psycho.
I should be asleep resting because I’m ill, but I can’t because now my heart is in my mouth everytime I hear a car door slam in case it’s him again.
id also be worried about repercussions if I contacted someone, whether that be from him, or someone acting out for him.
I’ve tried to “quietly quit” in the hope that he’d end it but that doesn’t work either.
I know and to be fair if he did do anything I don’t think I’d be in any position to call the police, he’s huge compared to me, I’d have no chance. I don’t think he would do anything sober, but when he’s had a drink who knows.
A few weeks ago I got a load of abuse over text in the night, calling me a slut, saying that he knew I was cheating etc
The next day he turned up sobbing but then said he couldn’t remember calling me a slut.
I haven’t been in a relationship for 10 years prior to this one, and after this the last thing I’d want is to be with another one and cheat! I’m done with the lot of them, rather be happy on my own x
Thanks for listening to me, I couldn’t tell most people I know because I feel stupid x

 

[Meringue22]

Hi everyone, posted here before about my ex partner. Since I posted I haven’t been allowed to see him as he’s on bail, but we have spoken secretly because I’m pathetic and feel like he needs help.
I told the police I didn’t want to support a prosecution or provide a statement. It appears they are nearing the end of their investigation and are referring the case to the CPS, so they believe they have grounds to prosecute for DV.
My ex has said that he’s just going to blame me so they don’t take it further and tell them it was all my fault that he used to call me all kinds of names, threatened to destroy me for cheating on numerous occasions (I have NEVER cheated, it’s all in his head when he’s drunk) turning up at my house at all hours hammered shouting at me etc
I’ve been through every single one of our messages and I’ve never been like that to him, but for some reason I’m worried.
I can’t seem to grasp that I’m not in the wrong, and that it wasn’t right the way he was speaking to me. He’s adamant that none of what he’s said or done matters because he hasn’t physically hit me.
I feel like I need help, like counselling. I’ve had to give up my career due to ill health so only work a few hours a week now in a basic job, so I can’t be affording £100 a session counselling, but then I can’t go to my GP for NHS help because they have me down as living at my parents house (I lied as I don’t want to move surgery) and letters always end up being sent there despite me saying I don’t want letters.
when I was in really bad health in and out of hospital my mum would always open the letters to help me out remembering appointments and procedures etc, so now she just opens all letters sent there as they’re all medical. I can’t suddenly say don’t open my letters as she’ll know something is wrong. I just know a letter would slip through the net and end up on their doormat!
I feel like I’ve got nowhere to turn. I’m questioning myself, like is it normal for a partner to be like he was, and have I been too sensitive? But then at the same time surely his messages and actions were not right if the police are referring to the CPS?
Why do I care more about helping my ex than my own sanity and well being? Why can’t I just turn my back on him?
Sorry if none of this makes sense x

I think calling your local Domestic Abuse helpline would be useful. Also, as others have suggested, women’s aid x

 

[whoareyouu]

I have spoken to them once when I did a Clare’s law after one episode of him turning up drunk one morning. They asked me about his behaviour etc and I told them how he is, they asked if I wanted to take it further, so I said no, but because I’ve made them aware and it’s concerning behaviour it will come up should anyone make a Clare’s law application in the future

I know how scary and daunting this will be for you. I went through similar and basically I put up with it until he got bored and I wouldn’t recommend that at all/it’s not the right thing to do. Please speak to the police if you feel able to.

 

[Magwitch]

He turned up again so the police have dealt with it now: thank you for all your advice xxx

Well done for getting the police to deal with. You are not wasting their time, please don’t think that. It’s an awful situation for you. Can you get your locks changed today?

 

[Monkeymagic85]

He has offered me to move in with him but I would have to uproot my daughters life (she’s 9) and move her away from her dad, her friends and family and all she’s known for 9 years.

He says he’s happy where he is though and is unlikely to move anywhere!

If you’re not willing to stay as you are then it’s probably easier to end it now rather than go on for years more and just hope that it will work out.

You’re also asking him to do the same thing that you won’t do, it’s seems like for the same reasons.

Hope you do what’s right for you

 

[Peakyblinders]

I have seen some threads on dating but none really on relationships.

This is for any relationship talk or issues!

Currently in a relationship with a man with an avoidant attachment style and nearing the end of it............... really hard. Anyone have any experience with this?