Relationship issues and relationship talk

[LouBug19]

I’m so sorry you went through that. They never admit they’re in the wrong and take responsibility for their actions.
I’ve told him I’m done and won’t be trying to help him further. His response was I’ve bought you a candle. Just another attempt to keep me dangling.
I’ve never felt so drained in my life. Can’t wait until all this is behind me and I only have myself to worry about x

I look back now and think what was i thinking? Im now I'm a healthy happy relationship where I feel safe and loved. That's all I wanted in life. They will drag you down to their level and use anything to keep you but unfortunately alcohol makes them very selfish people who only care about themselves. I never wanted him to die but in all honesty it was my only escape out of that relationship. It's so draining and im sending my love to you. Look after yourself and just remember what he has put you through.

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

How are you doing now? I hope you're okay

Hey I’m ok, thank you for asking. Had some family things happen end of this week too which has kept me occupied. Still feel sad it came to this xx

 

[lockdown sux]

@Quarrantinemadness
I agree with the others talk to an organization. Get proper advice on how to handle him.

Change your locks in case he tries coming back in.
Stay elsewhere for a while once it dawns on him you are serious now that it is over or get a few friends to stay over.
You will need your family and friends support.
Hoping things get sorted soon

 

[whoareyouu]

Thank you xx
I won’t, as much as I don’t want to be alone.
I don’t think he’d contact me anyway, he will be livid that he got arrested, especially if they can prove he was drink driving. He’ll lose his job if they can, and it will make things very difficult for him having his son. I can imagine he’ll hate me now x

Maybe so, but he needs to sort himself out for the sake of his son. He’s a grown adult and he made the choice to drink despite knowing it turns him into a monster.
I was with someone who was the same when he drank but would never take responsibility for himself and seek help. He then ended up being an awful human being and it was 6 years of abuse which has fucked me up for life, basically. X

 

[lallallalalalalalala]

So many of you on this thread are having such an awful time, but so glad you're getting support and advice.

I feel so silly writing this one but I'm considering leaving a good man just because I have no sex drive any more. We have been together fifteen years,since teenagers, and have two young kids - 2 & 4. I don't want to have sex very often. He wants it. He never forces me - but there's just this sad, angry air in our house all the time because he feels rejected by me and angry I don't want him. I don't know how to change how I feel. I don't know how to change how he feels. I keep thinking the only solution is to walk away from him so he can find someone who matches his desire. But that would really cause problems for our children. Help!

 

[whoareyouu]

If you’re not willing to stay as you are then it’s probably easier to end it now rather than go on for years more and just hope that it will work out.

You’re also asking him to do the same thing that you won’t do, it’s seems like for the same reasons.

Hope you do what’s right for you

I agree with this. I think both of you have the kids wants and needs as a priority, as it rightly should be. If there’s no compromise and you aren’t happy then there’s only one thing you can do. I’m really sorry though, you’re in a bind.

 

[Peakyblinders]

Yes I was advised to post on the dating thread though snd got loads of advice x

 

[LouBug19]

We are going for dinner tonight so I'll wear my best underwear and hint that I am too.

 

[aliw]

You need to contact the police to get things in place like personal alarms when you go out and an alarm in your home - they should take this seriously. Then you need to be honest with your work (I know it's embarrassing) to stop the phone calls at the first point of contact so he can't get through to you.

 

[InkHeart]

Hi Tattlers. I have a question about physical abuse, so I will put it behind a cut

Spoiler: Tw: hitting

If a guy hit you on the bum a lot, to the point where it was really painful and you often had to run away, or walk around not turning your back to him, would you consider that violence?

I guess I never thought of it that way, because he passed it off like it was sexual teasing and he always grinned when he did it. But it really hurt, it didn't feel like a normal slap on the bum. And he knew I was always trying to get away or not turn my back to him. Today I was just wondering is this any different than being slapped across the face?

 

[whoareyouu]

He turned up again so the police have dealt with it now: thank you for all your advice xxx

Well done for calling the police. I truly hope you’re OK. X

 

[mochibean]

i was with this man and was blinded by him thought he was the one, turned out from day 1 he was cheating, he used to turn on the sob story every Friday when my wages got paid so I would end up lending him money but never once got a penny back, it makes me sick as it’s in to the thousands, just sort of moved himself in my home and never contributed anything. Found out he is a cocaine addict. I cut contact about 5/6 months ago and have nothing to do with him but since Christmas time he keeps driving round past my house multiple times a night, comes into the street and has been stood at the bottom of my path (all at 12/1am & he will be under the influence), he’s also going out of his way to bring me up to people calling me every name under the sun, he caused trouble for me at work and I’ve lost my work.
I don’t know what to do about this situation anymore or how to deal with it, I feel creeped out and paranoid all the time as if I’m being watched.
I don’t understand his game. Can anyone offer any advice how to maybe deal with this thanks x

I second calling the police! This is stalking and harassment.
The fact that he has caused you to lose work is awful. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. He's an absolute loser who wants to make you as miserable as possible. Please press charges against this man, I know it's stressful but what he is doing to you is terrifying.

 

[Codiaeum]

I’m stuck in a relationship I can’t get out of.
Everytime I try to end it, he turns up at my house and manipulates me, even puts on the waterworks. Then every week we have the same thing. Agressive behaviour, wants someone to put up and shut up, a little wife that does everything, but that doesn’t actually get anything in return. Like a wife from the 50’s where they did everything for their husbands, running round like idiots after them, food on the table etc etc
He drinks at weekends then the next day he’s so nasty and aggressive but denies drinking. I’m not stupid, he’s a totally different person after drinking.
How can I end it for good? He’s just turned up again and marched upstairs (I’m ill in bed) and started shouted at me swearing. saying I want him out of the way to cheat (wtf). I asked him to leave my house key and go, and he’s just driven off with my key (we don’t live together).
Tomorrow he’ll be all apologetic, will probably cry about how much he loves me, and say he was ill and I did something to make him agressive the last time he practically had a breakdown that I’d ended things.
I’ve done nothing wrong. But it’s always me that’s caused him to be like he is apparently.
I said why are you being aggressive and he said if I was being agressive you’d know about it because I’d smash your head against the wall.
Posting here as I can’t tell anyone close to me this is happening. I just don’t know how to stop it for good.
I’m not scared anymore, now that I’m used to this pattern of behaviour. I would call the police if he tried to hurt me so I’m not worried in that respect

First of all, none of this is your fault, and I’m very sorry that this is happening into you. It is difficult to leave and as you say, anytime you try, you get stuck in a loop. But I’m also concerned for your safety and knowing that you would call the police doesn’t make the danger any less serious. Not all abuse is physical and to me your situation reads like abuse.
Is there a women’s shelter like Refuge that you could contact? They might be able to advise how to proceed safely and can also assist you leaving.

 

[Codiaeum]

I know you’d think it would be, but he just manages to worm his way back by doing stuff such as ringing my work etc then I just give in out of sheer embarrassment because it’s easier.
Thank you x

That is the worst part, right - you give in because for a short while, it will be easier - then things get bad again, you try to distance yourself, but the loop just continues. If he does indeed ring your work, etc I believe that in itself is grounds for filing a complaint with the police as it would count as stalking. When you have made it clear you want no further contact with him that should be sufficient, but as @qqwertyy wrote, things get the most dangerous when women try to leave. I think I've read that it takes seven tries on average for a woman to leave an abusive situation, precisely because it is very hard, dangerous and for a short while a lot easier than trying to get away.
I really think some sort of organisation would be your best call - as you say, physically you stand no chance and most of the abusive behaviour is verbal and emotional right now, which leaves unable to get away.

 

[RC12]

Is this thread for relationship advice? I could do with some advice

 

[mochibean]

Thank you for your comments.
I’ve took steps to build up a support network and told a friend so I now feel like I’ve got support network and somebody to go to.

On Monday I sent him a message as I’ve often found this to be the best way to make him listen. He has an adult daughter from a previous marriage and I just asked him what he’d do if she said her boyfriend had held an iron to her face. He didn’t respond. When he got back from work I said have you seen my message.
His response was why are you bringing this up now I thought we’d settled it yesterday. Sorry I was sick of arguing after having a hot iron held up to my face. Him - it wasn’t hot. Erm yes it was as I felt the heat in my face. Well you put your face in the way of the iron. Yes so apparently in his version I put my head on the ironing board while he was ironing. Sure the police will believe that story!

I don’t know whether I’m being naive but I actually don’t feel like he would ever physically hurt me so I’m actually not afraid as such (appreciate this sounds stupid and naive). He thinks he is threatening me but I see him for what he is which is a bully who is using his size to intimidate and get his own way and actually he is coward.

Well done on making those steps!

I don't think you're being naive as such, but there's always a first time. Sending you lots of love and I truly hope your situation improves. Don't let him bully you <3

 

[whoareyouu]

Hey I don’t post on here often but needed someone to talk to.

Back story.. I’ve been with this guy for 4 years, we call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I am a single (coparenting) mum of one 9 year old daughter.. I was married to her dad for 4 years then we broke up and not long that I started dating this guy. He works in my home town as a contractor but lives 2.5 hours away and has a 7 year old son where he lives that he coparents with his sons mum.

Started off great in the relationship, in the first year together he said he planned to move to my town and move in together, we discussed possibly starting a family etc etc things were good. I met his family, me and my daughter spent time at his house and vice versa. His son’s mother has tried to come in between us several times but we just shrugged this off and got on with things.

Fast forward into around year 2/3 of the relationship and he realised he doesn’t want to leave his home and son as he spends a lot of time with his son when he’s not working. His own dad walked out on him when he was young and he realised he didn’t want to move 2.5 hours away from his son. Part of me was gutted but I decided that he’s my “person” and that those things didn’t matter, I thought we could work it out.

We still spend as much time together as we can, go away together, spent time with friends and family, we’ve been on holiday together, but my mental health has started to take a dip. I don’t feel enjoyment from many things anymore and im struggling with what I want from my life. I’m
40 and feel like I’m having an identity crisis/ midlife crisis.

I’ve never been in a relationship that hasn’t naturally progressed and I’m not sure how I feel about the relationship at present. I love him so much and want a future together but he’s just happy to live separately and carry on as we are.

I’m really torn as he is the most wonderful person I’ve ever met, we get on so well, we have a laugh together, he’s a great person and a great dad to his son but I can’t help feeling I want more from him.

I’ve had “the chat” with him so many times but he won’t budge, he said he’s happy bringing up his son where he is now and if he didn’t have his son he would have moved here with me, started a family etc.

Part of me thinks I’ll just wait and stay as things are now until our kids get older then we can move in etc but the other part of me wants the family unit, a partner that lives with me, marriage etc etc.

I guess I’m saying have found my person but we’re at different stages and want different things.

I don’t know if I’m looking to vent, looking for advice or what I just can’t really talk to my friends and family properly as they generally just say “I don’t know how you do it”

Part of me wants to leave and try and “move on” but the other part of me thinks that he’s the person I’m meant to be with despite the struggles and that I’d feel awful leaving him just because he doesn’t want to move away from his son. Helllllpppp!

God, that sounds impossible and so I’m sorry to hear this. Is there no way you could move closer to him? Can you not move to meet in the middle? I get that he doesn’t want to be away from his son.

 

[whoareyouu]

I have seen some threads on dating but none really on relationships.

This is for any relationship talk or issues!

Currently in a relationship with a man with an avoidant attachment style and nearing the end of it............... really hard. Anyone have any experience with this?

It is worth posting on the dating thread, lots of good advice advice and different view points in there.

 

[MissJoT]

It is difficult and these are conversations that make me nervous but I know need to be had. The more time goes on the worse it will get. My sex drive has went away recently but I don't want to be a sexless couple and we both get frustrated.

Maybe send a message saying "Ooh I've been sent a 40% discount code for Ann Summers. I might treat myself to some sexy/gorgeous/freaky (delete as suits the relationship ) underwear. What do you think?" I did that recently though and got 'I think it’s shut down near us" Erm okay then Hopefully you'll have more joy

 

[ToolaRoola]

Thank you I will do x
I know, he’s turned up plastered in the morning before now shouting and being agressive. Not really, no one knows what he’s like as I’ve only told one person. I’ve got animals I can’t leave either. I’ve put the catch thing on the door so it can’t be opened xx

Please look into speaking to the police if you can. You shouldn't have to live like this.