Pregnancy #65

[fishsticks]

My 12 week scan is on Thursday when I should be around 12+4. Absolutely shitting my pants to be honest.

Got some work issues as prior to finding out I was pregnant I asked to go back to full time, this has only just been granted from 1st October... Great, except now it's going to look like I'm taking the absolute piss to get full maternity pay when I tell them all I'm pregnant. They should know I'm not that kind of person, but it's weighing on my mind.

 

[ThisIsMyDragName]

My commute was hell on earth today. The schools aren’t all back yet (I drive through three local authority areas in my commute, also I live in Scotland and this is ‘normal’ that they go back now, haha!) but there are MORE roadworks on my commute (they start massive, all consuming works every few weeks for months on end and just when you think they’re over, they start a new lot) and I swear that everyone drives like a twit. If you’re going to sit in the right hand lane of a dual carriage way, you really need to drive faster than 64 miles an hour. I flipped the bird at no less than three people across my round trip for being douches, and my journey home took an extra half an hour and would have taken even longer, had I not gone on a country road diversion that saw me stuck behind some cyclist couldn’t overtake and it made me feel like I was filming the Tour de France or something.

I may be utterly conflicted about giving up my job for a year and whether it’s the ‘right time’ but oh my god I can’t wait to kiss goodbye to the commute!

 

[amarantine]

My 12 week scan is on Thursday when I should be around 12+4. Absolutely shitting my pants to be honest.

Got some work issues as prior to finding out I was pregnant I asked to go back to full time, this has only just been granted from 1st October... Great, except now it's going to look like I'm taking the absolute piss to get full maternity pay when I tell them all I'm pregnant. They should know I'm not that kind of person, but it's weighing on my mind.

I interviewed and got a new job before telling my new head I was pregnant - I only told her a couple of weeks ago despite the fact I was about 16 weeks when I interviewed so they gave me the job with no idea I would only be there until December and made lots of changes to accommodate my particular expertise - so although she was lovely about it I feel incredibly guilty…

 

[ThisIsMyDragName]

Nope nope nope ladies. They CANNOT discriminate against you for becoming pregnant. There is, realistically, no ‘perfect time’ to be pregnant as a woman and equally, as an employer there’s no perfect time to have a pregnant employee, either! Im currently both of those things basically, pregnant and an employer.

If, as an employer, you make the work environment supportive for a pregnant employee and offer as good a maternity package as you can, you hope you can retain staff who will want to come back to you in one form or another. Not everyone will be able to return, maybe they’ll come back and be part time instead of full time. but if you can retain staff you retain skill and experience and knowledge which is cool. If you can’t, well, you can’t. You wish that employee well and you thank them for the service they gave irrespective of how long they were there.

At the end of the day, no matter how great someone’s job might be, it -is- just a job. And you actually owe your employers nothing, no matter how great they might have been to you. And I say that as someone who has spent 99% of her life living to work rather than working to live. And whilst retaining people is awesome and it’s my preference, there isn’t a single person in an organisation that is irreplaceable, which often stings people when there are cuts and people are put at risk of redundancy, etc.

 

[amarantine]

I know they can’t discriminate legally but I’m quite sure in my case they could have just said “we gave the job to someone who specialised in that particular year group” if they’d known beforehand - which I know is wrong but I also know can very easily happen! So I waited until I’d got the job and the contract, hence why I feel a bit guilty I’m hoping I can go back after baby but the contract is technically only a year currently - I think if they can extend it they will but you never know what’s going to happen do you?

In other news I don’t consider myself *that* pregnant yet when I’m not due until December, but already I cannot get up properly from our very deep sofa - I feel I may be rolling off it before long

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Do you think they’d feel guilty making you redundant if they had to? No. I used to be very career driven and would feel guilty about various things and then my work absolutely screwed me over. Now I just get to worry that I’m a crap mum because I’m so tired all the time and my 4yr old is going through some kind of defiant/clingy stage and it’s my fault because I’ve not been able to be as good a mum as i would like - so who’s the real winner….?! 🫠

 

[Beefcake-tits]

Hellooo, I'm cautiously joining the ranks here from the lovely TTC ladies. Very early (be six weeks on Wednesday) but I need to speak into the ether about it 🥹

 

[fishsticks]

Nope nope nope ladies. They CANNOT discriminate against you for becoming pregnant. There is, realistically, no ‘perfect time’ to be pregnant as a woman and equally, as an employer there’s no perfect time to have a pregnant employee, either! Im currently both of those things basically, pregnant and an employer.

If, as an employer, you make the work environment supportive for a pregnant employee and offer as good a maternity package as you can, you hope you can retain staff who will want to come back to you in one form or another. Not everyone will be able to return, maybe they’ll come back and be part time instead of full time. but if you can retain staff you retain skill and experience and knowledge which is cool. If you can’t, well, you can’t. You wish that employee well and you thank them for the service they gave irrespective of how long they were there.

At the end of the day, no matter how great someone’s job might be, it -is- just a job. And you actually owe your employers nothing, no matter how great they might have been to you. And I say that as someone who has spent 99% of her life living to work rather than working to live. And whilst retaining people is awesome and it’s my preference, there isn’t a single person in an organisation that is irreplaceable, which often stings people when there are cuts and people are put at risk of redundancy, etc.

I completely agree with this. I had a situation when I finished maternity leave in July 2023. I went back to my employer and said due to nursery issues (which I had been very open about from about 16 weeks pregnant) I could only work 3 days a week, but could work from home (as I don't fancy driving 40 mins each way at 2pm) 2pm - 7pm to make up the hours on the other 2 days as my husband was back home at 2pm. Everything was looking fine until I went into the office to see colleagues with my little boy around three weeks before I was due back.

I got pulled into a room to be told if I didn't come back full-time I didn't have a job. They landed this on me randomly. Had no idea it was coming and obviously burst into tears, upsetting not only me, but my son. Then I got escorted out of the building. I'd been at that company for SEVEN years. Very loyal, very hardworking, gave them everything. It was that moment that made me realise that there is way more to life than work loyalty and work in general. I did go to Industrial Relations, but the stress was just too much for me at the time.

I applied for another job, which I thankfully got, and I never went back. Even e-mailed my notice in so I didn't have to converse with them. It's made me stronger as a person, but my maternal "duck you" instincts reallllllyyyy kicked in at that moment and this Mommy Bear has been very very very passionate about maternity rights ever since.

I work in the civil service now and my line manager is amazing, but having carved my way into a role that I genuinely love doing the last thing I want them to think is that I'm taking the piss. In reality, I'd be full-time for 5 months, have x amount of weeks full maternity pay, then come back a year later on part-time hours again bcus there is no way I can go back full-time with 1 year old twins and a toddler at school. Logistically it doesn't work, and putting twins in nursery full-time would financially cripple us as it'd be around £2k a month.

 

[ThisIsMyDragName]

The maths just ain’t mathsing with being a parent generally is it? Mat Pay is a joke (so is Pat Pay and Pat leave come to think of it!) childcare hours don’t match working hours, school hols don’t match holiday entitlement (unless you work in a school I guess!), free childcare hours are term time only. It’s all a hot mess and it’s a system that remains built on an idea that one parent stays at home, probably still the mother because it’s a patriarchal society. I mean, I’m not against staying at home full time in principle, but it’s not like the cost of living these days makes this possible for most mere mortals without it being really challenging. My brother and sister in law got lots and lots of free (I’m assuming) childcare from my in laws but we live a million miles from them so we don’t have that. My Mum will do what she can but she has health problems herself so I don’t want to rely on her. My husband works from home right now 95% of the time with occasional weeks away (which his employers have agreed are now on hold till at least next year due to impending small human) but he will need to be working and not doing childcare. It’s absolutely mad isn’t it?

So we carry all this sort of stuff around with us and we have to worry that our work will treat us like wicks, it’s really uncool. I am
Grateful that my ‘boss’ (I report to a Board) is an extremely senior HR person in her day job, so I have avoided any of the nonsense from my employers. it becomes difficult to prove when you’re being discriminated against and that’s what’s so tricky I guess. But irrespective of anything, no job is worth adding to the mum guilt!

 

[fishsticks]

Statutory mat pay doesn't even pay my mortgage let alone anything else. (Yes, we do have my husband's salary, but it's more for context) That's only for 9 months though, but then childcare between 9-12months is as much as my mortgage a month!!! Also trying to find a nursery space for under 1's or 1 - 2 is a nightmare where I live; it's like trying to find rocking horse tit. Lets make all that make sense.

Anywaaaaaaaaaay, would do anything for my babies so I'm ready for a wild ride.

 

[amarantine]

It is ridiculous isn’t it? I’m a teacher and I’m going to attempt to go as close as I can to my due date because money, I’ve already planned to go back full time for July so I can ensure I get full pay over the summer then drop down to part time in September, we also have savings to cover the 9 months I’m planning to not work, and we’re already having the conversation about whether or not we can feasibly financially manage a second child (we both want more than one) and baby number one isn’t even here yet! Everyone keeps saying it’ll be fine and it’ll all work out and people manage with less income (which yes, they absolutely do but it’s still a valid worry we think - please don’t all come for me!) but it’s all such a minefield! Hopefully Mr amarantine will find a new job nice and quickly but he won’t have been working long enough even if he finds one tomorrow to have any paid paternity I don’t think, so he’ll have to take that unpaid or see if he can use any leave which he also won’t have accrued - it’s all the worry of how it’s all going to work that I’m finding the hardest (but this might be because I am a control freak )

 

[ThisIsMyDragName]

Statutory mat pay doesn't even pay my mortgage let alone anything else. (Yes, we do have my husband's salary, but it's more for context) That's only for 9 months though, but then childcare between 9-12months is as much as my mortgage a month!!! Also trying to find a nursery space for under 1's or 1 - 2 is a nightmare where I live; it's like trying to find rocking horse tit. Lets make all that make sense.

Anywaaaaaaaaaay, would do anything for my babies so I'm ready for a wild ride.

It scares me how often I see people on our local FB page asking about childminders etc. and they can’t find anything, then there are these nursery places at either end of the street my house is on but one of them doesn’t even have a website so I can’t tell what age they take children from! And I’m like in what backwards world does anywhere not have a website now?! Might suggest to the Board we add a crèche to our organisation and just pop my son in as the first attendee. It’s not remotely related to the job but it’s the only solution I can think of! I haven’t even explored the costs of childcare, I’m not sure I can face it

 

[oatlatte]

Childcare is totally mind blowing isn’t it!!!!! I can’t believe I’m not even halfway through this pregnancy and I’m already super stressed about what I’m gonna do for childcare? I work in the NHS and our trust has a nursery attached which seems like a great idea but I also have like a 40 min commute via train and I am not sure that taking a small child on a commuter train is the smartest option? I emailed them to ask for a price list weeks ago and haven’t had a reply yet which also doesn’t fill me with confidence? Idk like if I’m trusting you with my child I feel like you should be somewhat contactable but also I want to take the full 12 months mat leave and I cannot believe I am already having to think about it?! We are near London and places just fill up soooo quickly.

both my sisters didn’t use any kind of formal childcare as our Mum/their in laws did it all for them but me and my partner don’t live near enough any family for it to be feasible for us. So when they tell me not to worry and it all works itself out…. I’m sure it will but it’s different when family are helping so much!!!

 

[LavaFlake]

I am literally being kept up at night wondering how I’m going to pay for two children in nursery. In Wales we don’t get the 30 free hours until they’re 3. Baby Lava goes to nursery three days costing nearly a grand a month. He’ll be a couple of months off being aged 3 if I took the whole year for maternity leave but not sure if I can afford lots of months unpaid this time around. And even when he’s 3 I’ll still have to pay for the newest Lava’s childcare.

I’ve been saying we’ll sit down and crunch numbers after my 20 week scan but it’s this week and I won’t be able to put it off any further.

 

[Hinchhater1442]

If it helps anyone I have my little one in nursery 2 full days a week, so 20 hours a week, and my fees with the funding are roughly £225 a month. Of that I pay roughly £180 as if you work (I don’t know the full requirements) then it’s tax free, so they top the rest up. So try not to freak out when you see it costs £80 a day and think how on earth can anyone afford that!
Costs of course vary up and down the country, childminders can be cheaper but we preferred the idea of a nursery, and it’ll depend what you’re entitled to. We both work, I’m part time now, and we get the funded hours and tax free

 

[fishsticks]

Unfortunately I don't live in England so we only get £325 a month (from pre-pre school year, Master Fishsticks is a July babe so late in the school year) which is a great help, but for four days a week I'm still paying over £550 a month. For under 2's, I was paying over £1k a month for 3.5 days a week. Now I have to think about that for twinnies and my brain explodes every time I do. We don't have family around who can help either, so we're not fortunate in that respect!

 

[amarantine]

Random question - trying to fathom out a pram and replacing my car, but no cars seem to fit the pram we’d like I currently have a fiat 500 which fits absolutely nothing in and was looking to upgrade to a Peugeot 208, but apparently that does not fit the pram we’d like! Any recommendations for a pram with active wheels because they seem the most practical, that also fit in a small car? We wanted the Silver Cross Cove but that might be too big…

 

[Beefcake-tits]

Damn it's bad over in England too it seems? In NI we don't get any free childcare hours. *Yay devolved government*. Mini beefcake currently costing about 700 a month in childcare. That's with the Tax free childcare and a subsidy scheme we have here.
Horrendous that it's damn crushing as a mam just trying to have a career and look for your little. Incoming beefcake 2 will be a decider if it's feasible for me to actually keep up work or just pack it in for a few years.

 

[Thatsnotmyname123]

I’m 17 weeks and my stomach (all over) has been really sore and achy all day. I thought it was just my muscles but as it didn’t seem to be letting up I tried to call my pregnancy unit but no answer after trying a lot.

So I called 111, they triaged me and they tried to call my unit with no luck but spoke to the birthing centre and said I should go in but just to a&e and they would book me in. Before leaving the house, I tried the unit again and they answered - did the triage with them and they said no don’t come in. I’ve been advised to take some pain medicine and it if gets no worst but I still have it call my midwife tomorrow. If it gets really bad, go to a&e.

 

[amarantine]

I’m 17 weeks and my stomach (all over) has been really sore and achy all day. I thought it was just my muscles but as it didn’t seem to be letting up I tried to call my pregnancy unit but no answer after trying a lot.

So I called 111, they triaged me and they tried to call my unit with no luck but spoke to the birthing centre and said I should go in but just to a&e and they would book me in. Before leaving the house, I tried the unit again and they answered - did the triage with them and they said no don’t come in. I’ve been advised to take some pain medicine and it if gets no worst but I still have it call my midwife tomorrow. If it gets really bad, go to a&e.

I hope you’re feeling better now - it’s such a minefield! I’m 22 weeks and have called triage 3 times already in the last 2 I promised myself I would not be that person who overthinks every last little thing but it would seem that I am that person after all but always better to call and be reassured - my midwife said the same about stomach pain, she said take some paracetamol, see how it goes and then call again if it doesn’t seem to stop. Hope you’re feeling more comfortable now!