Parenting teenagers

[Lhm87]

I have a 16 year old son who’s been off school for a year due to his health. I’m a single mum who works shifts, full time in a high pressure, stressful job. I don’t parent my son like most. I learned very quickly to parent how it suits YOU and your family. Don’t compare yourself to others. If I compared myself to other families I’d kick myself every day.
I’m a firm believer of giving teenagers rope and room to make their own decisions, even if they’re the wrong ones. Once I stopped nagging my son to shower and brush his teeth, he started to do it on his own.
If you tell a teenager they can’t do something, they will find a way anyway. So the key is openness and honesty. I laugh at parents who say Their teenagers dont do this and that because they’ve been told they can’t; trust me, if your teenager wants to do something, they will and you will NEVER know. my son does things most parents wouldn’t dream their kids do (nothing illegal or dodgy!) the only difference is, I know about it and they don’t. He’s very open with me and I choose to accept his decisions, if I was to punish him for things, he wouldn’t stop doing them, he would simply stop telling me.
I personally think you can cause more damage by being too controlling and over parenting, because once they’re adults and can do what they want, they may rebel against those good habits you think you’ve instilled. I’m a firm believer of teenagers doing things their way, they soon learn the best way (which also happens to be the right way most of the time).

 

[Sailorontheseasea]

I have a 16 year old son who’s been off school for a year due to his health. I’m a single mum who works shifts, full time in a high pressure, stressful job. I don’t parent my son like most. I learned very quickly to parent how it suits YOU and your family. Don’t compare yourself to others. If I compared myself to other families I’d kick myself every day.
I’m a firm believer of giving teenagers rope and room to make their own decisions, even if they’re the wrong ones. Once I stopped nagging my son to shower and brush his teeth, he started to do it on his own.
If you tell a teenager they can’t do something, they will find a way anyway. So the key is openness and honesty. I laugh at parents who say Their teenagers dont do this and that because they’ve been told they can’t; trust me, if your teenager wants to do something, they will and you will NEVER know. my son does things most parents wouldn’t dream their kids do (nothing illegal or dodgy!) the only difference is, I know about it and they don’t. He’s very open with me and I choose to accept his decisions, if I was to punish him for things, he wouldn’t stop doing them, he would simply stop telling me.
I personally think you can cause more damage by being too controlling and over parenting, because once they’re adults and can do what they want, they may rebel against those good habits you think you’ve instilled. I’m a firm believer of teenagers doing things their way, they soon learn the best way (which also happens to be the right way most of the time).

I really love this! And find this thread so interesting as I have two very young boys, teenager land is so far away but it’s so good to listen to other people’s ideas.

Just purely out of interest, if he was doing something that was dangerous/dodgy, would you step in and warn strongly against it/tell him to stop? What would your take be on this?

 

[Lhm87]

I really love this! And find this thread so interesting as I have two very young boys, teenager land is so far away but it’s so good to listen to other people’s ideas.

Just purely out of interest, if he was doing something that was dangerous/dodgy, would you step in and warn strongly against it/tell him to stop? What would your take be on this?

Oh yes of course, but I wouldn’t punish and shout and scream. I’d sit him down, explain the dangers of his actions and what could happen if he carried on down that path. Respect goes a long way with teenagers.

for example, he admitted to trying smoking a few months ago. I thanked him for being honest, sat down with him and explained the health issues that accompany smoking and also that girls don’t like it hes asthmatic so I explained just how much worse it could be for him. He now has openly told me, without prompting that he has again tried it but doesn’t like it and has decided not to do it.
his best friend on the other hand told his mum, she grounded him for a month and removed ALL his privileges. He now isn’t honest with her about anything and my son tells me what his friend is up to and he’s carried on smoking But his mum thinks he wouldn’t dare do anything now as she would just punish him.
Trust me, at 15/16, If they want to get away with something, they will. I’d just much rather know what he’s doing rather than believing he is an angel.

 

[choccydigestive]

I have a 16 year old son who’s been off school for a year due to his health. I’m a single mum who works shifts, full time in a high pressure, stressful job. I don’t parent my son like most. I learned very quickly to parent how it suits YOU and your family. Don’t compare yourself to others. If I compared myself to other families I’d kick myself every day.
I’m a firm believer of giving teenagers rope and room to make their own decisions, even if they’re the wrong ones. Once I stopped nagging my son to shower and brush his teeth, he started to do it on his own.
If you tell a teenager they can’t do something, they will find a way anyway. So the key is openness and honesty. I laugh at parents who say Their teenagers dont do this and that because they’ve been told they can’t; trust me, if your teenager wants to do something, they will and you will NEVER know. my son does things most parents wouldn’t dream their kids do (nothing illegal or dodgy!) the only difference is, I know about it and they don’t. He’s very open with me and I choose to accept his decisions, if I was to punish him for things, he wouldn’t stop doing them, he would simply stop telling me.
I personally think you can cause more damage by being too controlling and over parenting, because once they’re adults and can do what they want, they may rebel against those good habits you think you’ve instilled. I’m a firm believer of teenagers doing things their way, they soon learn the best way (which also happens to be the right way most of the time).

This is such a great point of view, thank you. We often do learn best by our mistakes, don't we, especially at that age. That way they can teach themselves the lesson rather than us preach at them and that can be a lot more meaningful. I have definitely been guilting of over-parenting and part of starting the thread here is to look at ways I can ease up and let go safely while not going totally AWOL.

 

[Lhm87]

This is such a great point of view, thank you. We often do learn best by our mistakes, don't we, especially at that age. That way they can teach themselves the lesson rather than us preach at them and that can be a lot more meaningful. I have definitely been guilting of over-parenting and part of starting the thread here is to look at ways I can ease up and let go safely while not going totally AWOL.

Yes we really do learn from our mistakes. My son is exactly like me and Even now, if my mum preaches to me, I want to do the opposite your kids personality Plays a massive part in parenting too. If you know they’re strong willed and stubborn, being a controlling parent will only have a negative effect. I’m only a young mum, I was 18 when I had my son and ive done it all on my own so Haven’t had the back up of a second parent And quite frankly I’m too tired to be the strict, controlling parent many people are, or think I should be. I know he’s a good kid deep down and has a really good head on his shoulders, but teenagers have to experiment and live alittle, it’s how they grow into decent people. most of the kids I grew up with had strict controlling parents and boy have they all rebelled! my 3 closest friends were made to study every night, revise for hours and hours at a time over the weekend, weren’t allowed out with friends during the week, and were MADE to do 5 A levels. Those 3 women then went to uni, went wild, failed their courses even though they were A* students and now all have minimim wage jobs; they’re happy, but their parents aren’t! And on top of that, their relationships with their parents have all suffered. Not all kids can be patented the same.
like I said, you do what you feel is the best and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

[Whosthatonethere]

Not here as a parent but just mentioning I’m a teen and I can get that it’s quite hard for parents with teenagers in this current climate of social media/ growing up really fast/ corona/ political mess so if anyone has any questions or situations they want to fire at a willing teenager (19) you can always reply to this

 

[choccydigestive]

Not here as a parent but just mentioning I’m a teen and I can get that it’s quite hard for parents with teenagers in this current climate of social media/ growing up really fast/ corona/ political mess so if anyone has any questions or situations they want to fire at a willing teenager (19) you can always reply to this

Thank you, that would be wonderful! I’d definitely like to know what things really drive you up the wall the most.

 

[Whosthatonethere]

Thank you, that would be wonderful! I’d definitely like to know what things really drive you up the wall the most.

generally it’s just not being treated as an adult but obviously that’s a bit more understandable now that I legally am an adult

when I was younger (16/17) it was mainly my parents not trusting me/sneaking around in my things to find out what I’m doing, opening post (things that you wouldn’t dream of doing to an actual adult!) I genuinely think when a parent or guardian treats a teenager with respect and opens themselves up as a friend figure they can have a better relationship and one that’s built on trust. With no sneaking around or deceit on anyone’s part. I’m not saying you have to treat them like a mate and there does have to be boundaries but spending quality time with them, taking them out / finding something you like to do together (could be as simple as watching a certain TV programme) and asking them questions about friends, maintaining a “one of the girls” relationship really does help to let them know you’re there. I know me and the majority of my friends would love it when other parents were like this and desperately wanted it for ourselves. In many cases these parents were the ones we called if someone had found themselves in any issues (which could then be appropriately sorted, instead of being kept bottled up). Being open with them about safety on nights out is also great (they’ll probably shrug their shoulders, rolls their eyes or yell you’re embarrassing them but rest assured when you’re gone all their friends will be saying how great it is you’ve got such a supportive parent and they’ll feel A LOT safer and a LOT less judged)

- 14/15 not being open to your kids ideas is a big pet peeve of mine. I think as adults and as parents it’s easy to brush off what they’re saying as just a “woke” phase everyone’s going through but I think it’s great that you get an insight on what they think about the world, in any case you can share different opinions with them and get them thinking about a wider more rounded pool of ideas

-11-13/14 I think it is SUPER important to get involved with schooling, especially year seven I think it’s crucial to give them help with structure and time management. Also push them towards clubs and extra curricular! It can be a really lonely time with the start of high school and most kids cover it up well, they grow into it as most do but this little extra attention could be good for them. I know I wish someone would have picked up on this for me and taught me these skills! And again just having that one of the girls relationships means they can come to you for advice (just try make it judgement free and if they are doing something wrong approach it empathetically - last thing you want to do is alienate them!)

Sorry this is so long!

If there are any other ones just keep em coming ahaha

 

[nbt]

My 12 and 14 yo stepchildren are currently making us tea... it’s driving my other half crazy

12yo SD is really keen, 14yo SS is having a go at every little thing she’s doing haha. Bless her! I think between them they both think they’re doing the right thing but it’s testing times

 

[Happygolucky280]

I am a single parent to two boys, 14 and 15. Since they were little I was always honest with them about sex Ed etc- age appropriate of course. I think it has made it easier to have these more difficult conversations now they are older as the topic has never been off limits in our house. I try to be a consistent parent with them both but am finding because they have very different personalities that different approaches are needed which causes complaints from the eldest one. I do feel the eldest child leaves the way and it can appear parents are more lenient on the next kids at that stage.
pits a minefield and I wish there were parent and teen support groups the same way there are parent and baby/toddler groups.
I don’t want my kids ever to be afraid to come to me if they need help or have done something wrong. From the. Beginning of secondary we have had a system that if they are in a position that they want out of for whatever reason but don’t want to loose face with their friends etc they can text me their initial and I will phone them straight away with an excuse/ reason that they need to come home or be picked up ASAP. I won’t ask them about the situation but if they want to talk about it that’s fine. When the eldest was 12 he uses this system when he was out and his friend wanted to shoplift.
what has struck me during these teen parenting years is I must have thought my parents were buttoned up the back as some of the excuses etc I used to pull as a parent now I can see how ridiculous and transparent they were. Sometimes I say to my boys, I know what you are going to do before you even do.

 

[choccydigestive]

Those of you with boy teens - how do you handle them standing up to you? My son is now taller than me and if we're in a situation and I ask him to go to his room, for example, and he refuses and just stands there, or walks off, I am literally powerless to do anything. I can't pick him up and plonk him on the naughty step! I feel like he's now very aware that he's bigger than me and that although I can tell him to do stuff, he knows there's really nothing I can do if he refuses to do it. Or for example, if we had an argument and he walked out of the house, I can't stop him. It's starting to freak me out a bit. Any ideas?

 

[Lhm87]

Those of you with boy teens - how do you handle them standing up to you? My son is now taller than me and if we're in a situation and I ask him to go to his room, for example, and he refuses and just stands there, or walks off, I am literally powerless to do anything. I can't pick him up and plonk him on the naughty step! I feel like he's now very aware that he's bigger than me and that although I can tell him to do stuff, he knows there's really nothing I can do if he refuses to do it. Or for example, if we had an argument and he walked out of the house, I can't stop him. It's starting to freak me out a bit. Any ideas?

my son is in his last year of high school and about 6ft 1! no we can’t MAKE them do anything now. This is why I’ve tried to change my parenting style so we don’t get into those situations. we’ve never had a row and he’s just left the house, but if he did, I’d let him go. They need time to calm down just like we do. If you ground them then they should have enough respect to not just ignore it and leave the house. We can’t come to blows with teenagers and parent them in the same was as we probably did with younger kids. I just don’t let it get to the point where I’m having to really put my foot down and we’re arguing. I can never send my son to his rooM because he never leaves it anyway
I’m definitely not scared of his height and his presence, we have a good relationship and although things are difficult for us with his schooling, we respect each other and rarely fight. I rarely have to punish him but I think that’s because I let things slide that other parents may not. I just choose to pick my battles so there is definitely more of a mutual respect there. The teenage years are when they need to learn how to be their own person, the harder we are on them, the harder they will push back.

 

[choccydigestive]

my son is in his last year of high school and about 6ft 1! no we can’t MAKE them do anything now. This is why I’ve tried to change my parenting style so we don’t get into those situations. we’ve never had a row and he’s just left the house, but if he did, I’d let him go. They need time to calm down just like we do. If you ground them then they should have enough respect to not just ignore it and leave the house. We can’t come to blows with teenagers and parent them in the same was as we probably did with younger kids. I just don’t let it get to the point where I’m having to really put my foot down and we’re arguing. I can never send my son to his rooM because he never leaves it anyway
I’m definitely not scared of his height and his presence, we have a good relationship and although things are difficult for us with his schooling, we respect each other and rarely fight. I rarely have to punish him but I think that’s because I let things slide that other parents may not. I just choose to pick my battles so there is definitely more of a mutual respect there. The teenage years are when they need to learn how to be their own person, the harder we are on them, the harder they will push back.

Thanks, I totally agree about picking battles. I couldn't physically push him into his room anyway so I wouldn't even try! He is in Year 9 and taller than me. He is in a big push-back phase at the moment, I think a lot of hormones are whirling around and he's stressed about Covid. It just makes me panic that in terms of physical space I can't really contain him. Probably a lot of over-worrying on my part.

 

[Lhm87]

Thanks, I totally agree about picking battles. I couldn't physically push him into his room anyway so I wouldn't even try! He is in Year 9 and taller than me. He is in a big push-back phase at the moment, I think a lot of hormones are whirling around and he's stressed about Covid. It just makes me panic that in terms of physical space I can't really contain him. Probably a lot of over-worrying on my part.

in year 9 I don’t think you need to feel like you NEED to physically contain him. He may push back but you will win if you just stand your ground calmly. I found once I chilled out and stopped arguing with my son, he also chilled out. Kids are a product of their environment. They’re stubborn and their instinct is to push back if they feel cornered. Hormones are scary and he probably has no idea why he is feeling/behaving in a certain way. If he is being obstructive and defensive he probably doesn’t really know why. My son is no angel but I’m a young mum so it’s not that long ago I was in his shoes and we have the same personality so I know if I back him into a corner or try and be too strict, it will be world war 3. It’s just not worth it, they need room to spread their wings and figure stuff out for themselves. Good luck!

 

[choccydigestive]

Anyone else with a child who’s been really reluctant to go back to school since lockdown? Not necessarily teenaged.

 

[nbt]

My stepson went out with his friends yesterday, which I was happy about as he spends so much time inside on his PC! I don’t want to force him out but I am trying to encourage it a bit more.

My other half (his dad) was in a bit of a mood this weekend firstly he moaned at him that he was going out in new white trainers to play football. I stepped in and said that’s not his fault, they’re the only ones he has at our house currently and so if they get mucky, he can just clean them when home. OH was properly moaning about it. Told him he had to be home for 4pm for tea. We have him on find my iPhone so knew he’d walked a fair distance, so I’d just said hopefully he’ll plan plenty of time to get back and not make excuses. Anyway, he gets back 4 mins late - not a problem for me. I feel like he did plan carefully and tried to judge the time. OH said it’s not acceptable and he should be back in time (this is coming from someone with poor time keeping!).

Anyway, he tried to lie about where he’d been. We didn’t tell him we knew at first. In the end he admitted it and said he lied because he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to go there. So I calmly said to him that as long as we knew or he asked beforehand, it usually wouldn’t be a problem and is much better than lying!

Finally, this morning I noticed he’d uploaded an inappropriate video on TikTok. It was a “funny” video about the twin towers. Not funny at all, actually very insensitive. OH text him (he’s back at his mums now) and told him to take it down which he has done.

I said to my OH that we’d discuss it with him at the weekend and talk about the reasonings why it’s not appropriate.

Now, my OH clearly has had an off weekend and was extra mardy but generally I think he’s still getting to grips with parenting teens. I’m not perfect but I think we just had different upbringings. His was very strict. I feel like at this age, kids should be given a chance to make their own mistakes rather than be dictated to, otherwise I can just see it having the opposite effect.

Anyone else clashed on parenting with their partners?

 

[Pundertaker]

My biggest rec for parenting a (lovely but moody) 13yr old is Qustodio. It's an app that tracks and limits device useage (you can get similar apps, but this is the one we've had for a few years #notanad). It's not 100% bulletproof but has enabled me to pick up on dodgy messages, block specific apps, track her location, shut the internet off at 9pm etc. The only downside is that it doesn't seem to work on her iPad. Works fine on laptop and phone though. Costs about £30 a year. In the beginning I'd be looking through her whole internet and messaging history, but these days I give it a quick skim and just look for red flags. You get notifications for a lot of things anyway.

I find relationships go downhill quickly when we don't have good family time. She would happily spend all day in her bedroom (when not out with mates etc) but we make a point of having dinner together and watching something on TV that we all like. Over the summer we did a family table read of a play, which was good fun too (she wasn't always enthusiastic but would get into it once we sat down).

I am also frank when I need to be. I think it's a good skill to model E.g. if something is going to have consequences, I say them plainly--no added insult, but no pussy-footing around either. I find this approach more effective than shouting...when I have the patience for it. It works for discussions about hygiene as well as implementing punishment etc.

 

[choccydigestive]

My stepson went out with his friends yesterday, which I was happy about as he spends so much time inside on his PC! I don’t want to force him out but I am trying to encourage it a bit more.

My other half (his dad) was in a bit of a mood this weekend firstly he moaned at him that he was going out in new white trainers to play football. I stepped in and said that’s not his fault, they’re the only ones he has at our house currently and so if they get mucky, he can just clean them when home. OH was properly moaning about it. Told him he had to be home for 4pm for tea. We have him on find my iPhone so knew he’d walked a fair distance, so I’d just said hopefully he’ll plan plenty of time to get back and not make excuses. Anyway, he gets back 4 mins late - not a problem for me. I feel like he did plan carefully and tried to judge the time. OH said it’s not acceptable and he should be back in time (this is coming from someone with poor time keeping!).

Anyway, he tried to lie about where he’d been. We didn’t tell him we knew at first. In the end he admitted it and said he lied because he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to go there. So I calmly said to him that as long as we knew or he asked beforehand, it usually wouldn’t be a problem and is much better than lying!

Finally, this morning I noticed he’d uploaded an inappropriate video on TikTok. It was a “funny” video about the twin towers. Not funny at all, actually very insensitive. OH text him (he’s back at his mums now) and told him to take it down which he has done.

I said to my OH that we’d discuss it with him at the weekend and talk about the reasonings why it’s not appropriate.

Now, my OH clearly has had an off weekend and was extra mardy but generally I think he’s still getting to grips with parenting teens. I’m not perfect but I think we just had different upbringings. His was very strict. I feel like at this age, kids should be given a chance to make their own mistakes rather than be dictated to, otherwise I can just see it having the opposite effect.

Anyone else clashed on parenting with their partners?

Yes, my husband and I do. He is stricter than me, doesn't believe in reminders or second chances all that much - he parents much the same way his (and funnily, my own) parents did in the 80s. Basically, do it or face the consequences. I am more softly softly, give them a chance to see if they can think about it sort of frame of mind. I don't hugely believe in taking tons of stuff off kids as punishments because sometimes it takes away the things they need the most (time with friends etc). We muddle through but have made an effort to have our "discussions" out of earshot of our son because we noticed that when we disputed each other in front of him he'd spot it and try to widen the gap!

It sounds like your son has his head pretty straight on his shoulders, i.e. he wasn't massively late, he admitted his mistake, took down the video etc. They're always going to make mistakes and be silly and insensitive and rude - I can't think of any teen getting through these years without any of this. I do think some stricter parents don't always remember this (but equally, I know at times I have been guilty of being too soft).

My biggest rec for parenting a (lovely but moody) 13yr old is Qustodio. It's an app that tracks and limits device useage (you can get similar apps, but this is the one we've had for a few years #notanad). It's not 100% bulletproof but has enabled me to pick up on dodgy messages, block specific apps, track her location, shut the internet off at 9pm etc. The only downside is that it doesn't seem to work on her iPad. Works fine on laptop and phone though. Costs about £30 a year. In the beginning I'd be looking through her whole internet and messaging history, but these days I give it a quick skim and just look for red flags. You get notifications for a lot of things anyway.

I find relationships go downhill quickly when we don't have good family time. She would happily spend all day in her bedroom (when not out with mates etc) but we make a point of having dinner together and watching something on TV that we all like. Over the summer we did a family table read of a play, which was good fun too (she wasn't always enthusiastic but would get into it once we sat down).

I am also frank when I need to be. I think it's a good skill to model E.g. if something is going to have consequences, I say them plainly--no added insult, but no pussy-footing around either. I find this approach more effective than shouting...when I have the patience for it. It works for discussions about hygiene as well as implementing punishment etc.

I hadn't heard of that app, thanks. I do a lot of secret monitoring through Apple screen time as he's part of our family account and so I can see how much time he's spending on things, what sites he's visited etc. It doesn't show everything but it gives me some good ideas and I can introduce restrictions if I need to.

I totally agree with you about the family time! We have definitely noticed that too - things are so much easier when we've spent quality time together doing something and usually when he's being extra stroppy or playing up then I notice it's usually after a period where we haven't spent a lot of "connection" time together.

 

[nbt]

Yes, my husband and I do. He is stricter than me, doesn't believe in reminders or second chances all that much - he parents much the same way his (and funnily, my own) parents did in the 80s. Basically, do it or face the consequences. I am more softly softly, give them a chance to see if they can think about it sort of frame of mind. I don't hugely believe in taking tons of stuff off kids as punishments because sometimes it takes away the things they need the most (time with friends etc). We muddle through but have made an effort to have our "discussions" out of earshot of our son because we noticed that when we disputed each other in front of him he'd spot it and try to widen the gap!

It sounds like your son has his head pretty straight on his shoulders, i.e. he wasn't massively late, he admitted his mistake, took down the video etc. They're always going to make mistakes and be silly and insensitive and rude - I can't think of any teen getting through these years without any of this. I do think some stricter parents don't always remember this (but equally, I know at times I have been guilty of being too soft).

It can be difficult. No one likes being bad cop and I’ve played that part before and it feels like the kids just hate you!

I said to my OH that whilst I wasn’t going to stand there and openly back him up, I wouldn’t go against him either. So I said my bit and he said his.

The poor boy’s going to feel so conflicted otherwise. We’re trying to encourage him to go out and when he does, he gets moaned at! He might not bother in future and I don’t want it to be like that. He’s old enough to learn himself and it wasn’t a big thing at the end of the day. Most of the time they just get caught up with their friends.

 

[I’m telling]

The trouble parents have is they fail to change their parenting approach.
teens are a unique animal. Not children, not adults, but learning and growing so fast. And so stupid!

my advice is a family meeting. Start w saying you are not young children and it is time to talk about how we parent a teen/young adult. Make this the first of regular, monthly (or whatever works), meetings.

topics for meetings
expectations- just what do you expect as they get older. An after school job, sports, drama, whatever the kid is into.
Home responsibilities- what do you expect from them.
money- how will you fund their activities, dates, clothes etc. talk about budgets! Teach them during the process.

it is the perfect time for you, as the parent, to start seeing your kids as the young adults they will be. And treating them w more responsibility while setting expectations.

for curfews, set a reasonable time (kinda a moot point now, but have the talk). I like a grace period. Your curfew is 11. I expect you to tell me when you get home. I expect you to call me if you will be late. No call and gone more than 15 minutes after curfew has consequences. Engage the. Teen in the consequences. What is a reasonable consequence for failing to keep your word.

address everything as expectations and consequences. Ask them too for input on what they want from you. As a parent, as the bank of mom/dad, as an advocate.
it’s all about communication and starting to change your parenting from a child to a young adult or a teen heading towards adulthood.