Parenting teenagers

[choccydigestive]

Hello all,

I have a newly fledged teenager and at times I am really struggling with the rollercoaster of moods and the change from my sweet small child! I read articles and books about parenting teenagers but a lot of the advice isn't always tailored to today's teen world with the constant social media etc. I also had my child sooner than a lot of my friends did, so my fellow parent friends IRL aren't at the teenage stage yet and I can't really compare or discuss.

So I thought it might be helpful to start a thread to discuss parenting teens, approaching issues with teens, how to handle the mood swings, allowing them to have independence etc. I think that last one is particularly hard at the moment because of so much social stuff being curtailed because of Corona.

 

[Itsalwayssunny]

The biggest advice i could give is setting rules regarding screens. My now 17 year old has to bring all devices out at 10.30 but it was a lot earlier when he was younger. He can choose what time he gets in to bed and go to sleep but after device off time he is to stay in his room. He is generally bored so actually goes to sleep so then he isnt lacking sleep through staying up all night on his phone or Xbox

Curfews when they go out - for every minute they are late the same amount of time gets deducted the next day.

If they are home alone and want to go out I made mine either text me the details or write on the white board what time they went out, what time they expect to be back, who they are out with and roughly where they will be going
I.e. out at 4pm with George, will be home at 6.30 for supper, going to skate park and to knock for othe friends

A teenage appetite can be HUGE, they have so much growing to do. I set limits on things like snacks and crisps but they could eat as much toast/fruit/yoghurt as they wanted

If I ask mine to do anything I dont expect it to be done right that minute, I may say the dishwasher needs to be emptied please can you do it by x time that way you arent always dragging away from what they are doing or their friends etc and I actually find things get done quicker than when I demand they are done straight away as that always results in us getting stressed

If I think of anything else I will post it

 

[Maxine1974]

I have 15 & 16 year old daughters so I will keep an eye on this thread!!
I would swap fussy eating, nap times and night feeds ANY day over parenting teenagers my friends that have babies & little kids are all complaining about the stress of babies and toddlers but I personally found that way easier than this stage!!! The don’t talk for a start

 

[Platypusfattypus]

Probably not a popular viewpoint but I love parenting teenagers. I've got a 14 Yr old and a 12 Yr old and whilst we get the odd sulk overall it's fun. Loving being able to talk about stuff with them, have a laugh and get to do fun stuff (not as much with Covid). I'm enjoying see them get more confident and spend time with their friends. I'm pretty relaxed parenting wise but they have chores they are expected to do and they get pocket money for these. I pretty much do what the poster below does. My main thing is trust. I tell them they have my trust but as soon as they break it, its going to take a lot to get it back.

The biggest advice i could give is setting rules regarding screens. My now 17 year old has to bring all devices out at 10.30 but it was a lot earlier when he was younger. He can choose what time he gets in to bed and go to sleep but after device off time he is to stay in his room. He is generally bored so actually goes to sleep so then he isnt lacking sleep through staying up all night on his phone or Xbox

Curfews when they go out - for every minute they are late the same amount of time gets deducted the next day.

If they are home alone and want to go out I made mine either text me the details or write on the white board what time they went out, what time they expect to be back, who they are out with and roughly where they will be going
I.e. out at 4pm with George, will be home at 6.30 for supper, going to skate park and to knock for othe friends

A teenage appetite can be HUGE, they have so much growing to do. I set limits on things like snacks and crisps but they could eat as much toast/fruit/yoghurt as they wanted

If I ask mine to do anything I dont expect it to be done right that minute, I may say the dishwasher needs to be emptied please can you do it by x time that way you arent always dragging away from what they are doing or their friends etc and I actually find things get done quicker than when I demand they are done straight away as that always results in us getting stressed

If I think of anything else I will post it

 

[choccydigestive]

The biggest advice i could give is setting rules regarding screens. My now 17 year old has to bring all devices out at 10.30 but it was a lot earlier when he was younger. He can choose what time he gets in to bed and go to sleep but after device off time he is to stay in his room. He is generally bored so actually goes to sleep so then he isnt lacking sleep through staying up all night on his phone or Xbox

Curfews when they go out - for every minute they are late the same amount of time gets deducted the next day.

If they are home alone and want to go out I made mine either text me the details or write on the white board what time they went out, what time they expect to be back, who they are out with and roughly where they will be going
I.e. out at 4pm with George, will be home at 6.30 for supper, going to skate park and to knock for othe friends

A teenage appetite can be HUGE, they have so much growing to do. I set limits on things like snacks and crisps but they could eat as much toast/fruit/yoghurt as they wanted

If I ask mine to do anything I dont expect it to be done right that minute, I may say the dishwasher needs to be emptied please can you do it by x time that way you arent always dragging away from what they are doing or their friends etc and I actually find things get done quicker than when I demand they are done straight away as that always results in us getting stressed

If I think of anything else I will post it

Thank you for this. We do the same with his phone every night, he’s never allowed to keep it in his room. We’ve noticed that whenever he’s actually lost his phone as a consequence for something, he is a different child

We don’t have curfews yet as he’s only 13, I guess we’ll have to approach that when we get it. (Same with being home alone, especially at the moment.) If he’s ever out with friends in the day we have Find My Phone activated on his iPhone just to keep an eye.

Your approach sounds great, expecting things from them but in a balanced way. We have a bit of a nightmare with chores, he’s useless at getting things done and I feel like I spend my life issuing reminders. We linked his chores to his allowance because we thought it would encourage him but it didn’t seem to make much difference...

I have 15 & 16 year old daughters so I will keep an eye on this thread!!
I would swap fussy eating, nap times and night feeds ANY day over parenting teenagers my friends that have babies & little kids are all complaining about the stress of babies and toddlers but I personally found that way easier than this stage!!! The don’t talk for a start

God, I feel the same! We’ve had a couple of really rough patches since lockdown started and I would happily have gone back to the toddler years in that moment - drawing on walls, screaming in shops, getting up in the night, it all seemed preferable all of a sudden!

How have yours managed with lockdown and going back to school?

Probably not a popular viewpoint but I love parenting teenagers. I've got a 14 Yr old and a 12 Yr old and whilst we get the odd sulk overall it's fun. Loving being able to talk about stuff with them, have a laugh and get to do fun stuff (not as much with Covid). I'm enjoying see them get more confident and spend time with their friends. I'm pretty relaxed parenting wise but they have chores they are expected to do and they get pocket money for these. I pretty much do what the poster below does. My main thing is trust. I tell them they have my trust but as soon as they break it, its going to take a lot to get it back.

That’s a great point about the trust. This is something I can see happening with my son as he wants independence but I’m always reluctant to loosen things up because I’m a chronic worrier and I know that frustrates him.

I definitely enjoy the part where you can talk about more stuff and have new experiences, like you say - that bit is really fun!

 

[choccydigestive]

How does everyone handle the rudeness? We’re at a stage where the tone he speaks to us in is pretty gross a lot of the time. I pick him up on it and if it gets really extreme there will be a consequence (loss of privilege, phone etc). But I know rudeness is pretty much part of the deal at this age and so I wonder if I should keep the consequences aside so that I can use it for the bigger issues, like picking my battles? Equally I don’t want to let it slide and let him think speaking to us (or anyone) like that is not OK

 

[Rocknrolla]

I’ve got a 14 year old and I’m learning the hard way to pick my battles wisely. I’m trying to ignore The Kevin and Perry style attitude and only pull him up on the more unacceptable stuff, otherwise we clash and end up bickering for days on end.

 

[Drea1984]

Exactly as Rocknrolla says. Pick your battles. Or your house will be a war zone for years. Praise god mine is in mid twenties now. Wouldn’t go back to all that shite for all the tea in China.

 

[choccydigestive]

I’ve got a 14 year old and I’m learning the hard way to pick my battles wisely. I’m trying to ignore The Kevin and Perry style attitude and only pull him up on the more unacceptable stuff, otherwise we clash and end up bickering for days on end.

Kevin and Perry (well, Kevin) really are the template! Funnily enough when our son turned 13 we sat down and watched the best of Kevin with him and he agreed it was true and really funny.

 

[Happyvalley]

Some great advice and info on here, thanks. I try to choose my battles wisely, my husband is a lot stricter so it’s tricky trying to balance our parenting styles adding to the woes

I do check my son’s phone each evening which does feel like an invasion of privacy in one sense but at times there have been conversations and things on there that are not appropriate and so while he’s a young teen I’ll be keeping tabs on that and making sure he hands it over each night. If he didn’t he’d be on tik tok all night!

Homework each evening before any computer time. Trying to get him to take ownership for chores but that’s a real battle atm and I end up doing it to ensure it’s done! I do try and remember how I was when I was his age and that sometimes helps me to manage my expectations

 

[Ooohb*tch!]

I'm not a mum so I know my opinion won't really count... (I just enjoyed reading everyone's advice though because my older sister is constantly trying to tear me down when I say how I plan to bring my children up when we decide to start a family)

It's completely out of my place seeing as I don't have kids but I find myself saying to people "you can't be friends with your kids" and I totally stand by it.
My parents were quite strict with me and I saw how my friends would really manipulate and take the piss out of their parents who tried to be friends with them!

A few Christmases ago my partners auntie was stood telling me how her and her daughter had this great relationship, how she always knew who she was with and where she was because she "tells me EVERYTHING!" All while her 15 year old daughter was stood behind her pulling the smuggest grin at me.. could of slapped her little face honestly!

As a teenager my parents were unfair at times but everything they said no to, all the early curfews and the punishments was for my benefit and it's shaped me into the person I am today! In my opinion they did right to be a little strict, it only made me respect them.

Don't be afraid to be a witch - they won't hold it against you forever!

 

[choccydigestive]

Some great advice and info on here, thanks. I try to choose my battles wisely, my husband is a lot stricter so it’s tricky trying to balance our parenting styles adding to the woes

I do check my son’s phone each evening which does feel like an invasion of privacy in one sense but at times there have been conversations and things on there that are not appropriate and so while he’s a young teen I’ll be keeping tabs on that and making sure he hands it over each night. If he didn’t he’d be on tik tok all night!

Homework each evening before any computer time. Trying to get him to take ownership for chores but that’s a real battle atm and I end up doing it to ensure it’s done! I do try and remember how I was when I was his age and that sometimes helps me to manage my expectations

Sounds like we’re in roughly the same boat!

I often do things he should be doing himself because it seems preferable than the constant reminders and negotiation attempts and the fact that he won’t do it properly anyway. I always kick myself as I know I’m making a rod for my own back but sometimes I just can’t be arsed with the drama.

I'm not a mum so I know my opinion won't really count... (I just enjoyed reading everyone's advice though because my older sister is constantly trying to tear me down when I say how I plan to bring my children up when we decide to start a family)

It's completely out of my place seeing as I don't have kids but I find myself saying to people "you can't be friends with your kids" and I totally stand by it.
My parents were quite strict with me and I saw how my friends would really manipulate and take the piss out of their parents who tried to be friends with them!

A few Christmases ago my partners auntie was stood telling me how her and her daughter had this great relationship, how she always knew who she was with and where she was because she "tells me EVERYTHING!" All while her 15 year old daughter was stood behind her pulling the smuggest grin at me.. could of slapped her little face honestly!

As a teenager my parents were unfair at times but everything they said no to, all the early curfews and the punishments was for my benefit and it's shaped me into the person I am today! In my opinion they did right to be a little strict, it only made me respect them.

Don't be afraid to be a witch - they won't hold it against you forever!

I love this viewpoint, thank you! I know I’ve made the mistake of doing this many many times. Our son is an only child and we never planned for him to be, it’s just the way things turned out. As a result I definitely carry guilt that he has no siblings so I do try to fill that gap at times. It’s really hard to strike a balance.

 

[Ooohb*tch!]

Don't feel guilty - you will have the most amazing relationship when he's older I promise!
I'm not an only child but my mum had her sterilisation reversed to have me 10 years after having my sister, so I have 3 older siblings all 10+ years older than me, they was never around and I pretty much grew up on my own. It's tough and boring at times being on your own but you've got years ahead of you to be friends with him, me and my parents have a great relationship now, I was a little sod at times and I honestly thought me and my mum would never see eye to eye! But we truly are the best of friends now, and I respect every decision they made bringing me up and helping shape me into the adult I am today

 

[Impleo]

I've found parenting teenagers harder than toddlers but definitely more rewarding, the parts in between that were bliss. I have a 20 year old and a 16 year old, so obviously only one teenager now but the other is still a student, and reliant on us for "stuff" so I still do mother him a bit lot

With girls, I would say be aware of their cycles and moods. I am more forgiving when I know it's certain times of the month. I think it's also important to make them aware it's because they're hormonal and not a 2 headed monster if they do face meltdown. I always make sure there's good chocolate and orange juice in the house for those times, it seems to be what works for us

I've never limited screen time, just told them what we think is sensible. If I felt it had taken over their lives, perhaps I would think differently, but they both have interests outside of screens that have not really made it an issue. I personally think if you deny people something, they want it more, especially when they inevitably get that freedom. I've also never linked chores to money. There's just certain things that are expected, like tidying up after yourself, doing your washing, offering to make cups of tea/coffee for anyone around if you're making one, and if I ask them to hoover/dust/empty the dishwasher I just ask them to have it done by a certain time that day.

Curfew we did have, but it was pretty generous, it seemed to be stuck to, but by the age of 17 with my son he was pretty much doing what he liked. He's got a good group of friends that live locally and we were fine with that. We still expect him to tell us if he will not be coming home that night either by text or beforehand, but I think that's just a courtesy of living under the same roof.

School work has been really important to us, but we've always let the kids know they're not doing it for us, they're doing it for themselves, and if they choose not to do the work, they are the ones who are going to suffer. We still had to stick the boot in sometimes. If we felt they weren't doing enough we would communicate with their teacher in whatever subject it was, to let the teacher know that we wanted them to work on it with them, that seemed to be enough to get my kids working again. I didn't think the degree my son was doing was the right one for him, I thought he'd be changing after the first term, and I told him so, but he was determined, and he seems to be loving it - sometimes you do have to admit when you're in the wrong and I've told him that I was. The hardest part of parenting for me has definitely been the stress of seeing one through 2 years of GCSE's and then on to A-levels and then straight on to it with another - what will be 8 years of preparing children for exams has been stressful and I will be glad not to have to do it again.

We were pretty young parents and didn't really have a plan, just felt it out as we went along and I'm glad we've done it that way. My husband and I don't take life outside of the obvious stuff too seriously. We try and have a laugh with the kids, there's a lot of things that we all share enjoyment in - I make sure there's food on the table, always let them know we are there for them, the house will always be an open door, but it's their lives to make and live and enjoy.

 

[NinaStar90]

Foster a relationship built on trust.

Rudeness I can tolerate. Being annoying I can tolerate. Small rules being broken I can live with.

But I had my child when I was 16, I was someone who lied to my mum and my god, the way things ended was not pretty.

If I know about behaviour/incidents I can talk through them with my child before they get too out of hand. I can help him make the next choice on how to fix it. If lies are told in my house the consqeuences are always worse than telling the truth about whatever the behaviour was. Once they get used to it it becomes normal and they just openly come to you with issues.

 

[Rocknrolla]

I’m enjoying reading this thread. Think we’re all in the same Kevin shaped boat
What chores do you all have set for your teenagers?

 

[nbt]

Thank you for creating this thread!

I have a 14yo stepson and 12 yo stepdaughter. My god, it’s hard work parenting at this age! I have been in their life for as long as they remember, so it’s the usual parenting battle for us/no “step” rivalry thrown in to also contend with thankfully

So, my SS has had a big change since lockdown. Huge growth spurt, deeper voice, bit of a moustache (he’s acting like he has a full grown beard )

I am going to sound awful now, but I’m finding it awkward because he still calls his Dad “daddy”. When he speaks about him to his friend he’ll say “my dad”, but if he shouts him etc. it’s Daddy. I think it’s obviously just habit. The two younger ones say daddy and when he sounded younger and looked younger (even just a few months ago!), it’d didn’t even cross my mind.

Now I really wish he’d say Dad, for his sake! Kids at this age can be cruel and I’d hate for him to get stick over it. I’ve tried to hammer it in discreetly... “can you ask your dad this?” etc. He’ll go off into the other room... “daddy...” I’ve said to my other half, maybe he should have a word with him? Even if he says “oh don’t worry, you don’t have to call me daddy anymore” to make it light hearted?

Any ideas? How did it happen for everyone else?

 

[choccydigestive]

Don't feel guilty - you will have the most amazing relationship when he's older I promise!
I'm not an only child but my mum had her sterilisation reversed to have me 10 years after having my sister, so I have 3 older siblings all 10+ years older than me, they was never around and I pretty much grew up on my own. It's tough and boring at times being on your own but you've got years ahead of you to be friends with him, me and my parents have a great relationship now, I was a little sod at times and I honestly thought me and my mum would never see eye to eye! But we truly are the best of friends now, and I respect every decision they made bringing me up and helping shape me into the adult I am today

Thank you, that really gives me hope - and I'm glad you have such a great relationship with your mum now!

I've found parenting teenagers harder than toddlers but definitely more rewarding, the parts in between that were bliss. I have a 20 year old and a 16 year old, so obviously only one teenager now but the other is still a student, and reliant on us for "stuff" so I still do mother him a bit lot

With girls, I would say be aware of their cycles and moods. I am more forgiving when I know it's certain times of the month. I think it's also important to make them aware it's because they're hormonal and not a 2 headed monster if they do face meltdown. I always make sure there's good chocolate and orange juice in the house for those times, it seems to be what works for us

I've never limited screen time, just told them what we think is sensible. If I felt it had taken over their lives, perhaps I would think differently, but they both have interests outside of screens that have not really made it an issue. I personally think if you deny people something, they want it more, especially when they inevitably get that freedom. I've also never linked chores to money. There's just certain things that are expected, like tidying up after yourself, doing your washing, offering to make cups of tea/coffee for anyone around if you're making one, and if I ask them to hoover/dust/empty the dishwasher I just ask them to have it done by a certain time that day.

Curfew we did have, but it was pretty generous, it seemed to be stuck to, but by the age of 17 with my son he was pretty much doing what he liked. He's got a good group of friends that live locally and we were fine with that. We still expect him to tell us if he will not be coming home that night either by text or beforehand, but I think that's just a courtesy of living under the same roof.

School work has been really important to us, but we've always let the kids know they're not doing it for us, they're doing it for themselves, and if they choose not to do the work, they are the ones who are going to suffer. We still had to stick the boot in sometimes. If we felt they weren't doing enough we would communicate with their teacher in whatever subject it was, to let the teacher know that we wanted them to work on it with them, that seemed to be enough to get my kids working again. I didn't think the degree my son was doing was the right one for him, I thought he'd be changing after the first term, and I told him so, but he was determined, and he seems to be loving it - sometimes you do have to admit when you're in the wrong and I've told him that I was. The hardest part of parenting for me has definitely been the stress of seeing one through 2 years of GCSE's and then on to A-levels and then straight on to it with another - what will be 8 years of preparing children for exams has been stressful and I will be glad not to have to do it again.

We were pretty young parents and didn't really have a plan, just felt it out as we went along and I'm glad we've done it that way. My husband and I don't take life outside of the obvious stuff too seriously. We try and have a laugh with the kids, there's a lot of things that we all share enjoyment in - I make sure there's food on the table, always let them know we are there for them, the house will always be an open door, but it's their lives to make and live and enjoy.

Thanks for this, denying something and therefore making it forbidden and irresistible is a definite issue. For example, he's at this age where he's watched all the 12-rated movies going and we've allowed him to watch a selection of 15s based on our assessment but he now thinks that any 15 should be fair game. My goodness, the lawyer-like arguments he puts forth for his point of view is mind boggling!

It sounds like you have a really happy and well-adjusted home. I really like what you said about feeling it out as you go along. It's not easy to take everything you read from a parenting manual and dump it into your household because kids are all so different, and what works well with one family might be really impractical for another. I know when he was a baby we basically learned everything through trial and error and just doing whatever worked for us even if it wasn't what other people were doing.

Foster a relationship built on trust.

Rudeness I can tolerate. Being annoying I can tolerate. Small rules being broken I can live with.

But I had my child when I was 16, I was someone who lied to my mum and my god, the way things ended was not pretty.

If I know about behaviour/incidents I can talk through them with my child before they get too out of hand. I can help him make the next choice on how to fix it. If lies are told in my house the consqeuences are always worse than telling the truth about whatever the behaviour was. Once they get used to it it becomes normal and they just openly come to you with issues.

Yeah, great point - the consequences of lying should always be heavier than those for telling the truth about a mistake!

I’m enjoying reading this thread. Think we’re all in the same Kevin shaped boat
What chores do you all have set for your teenagers?

Ours has a basic set of chores he's meant to do each day - make bed, feed dogs, sort out uniform etc. Then he has extra ones he can do each week if he wants to earn more money - changing bedsheets, washing car, etc. But I'm starting to think we made an error in linking his chores to his allowance. We thought it would encourage him to do more round the house which would be a win for us and a win for him in that he'd have more spends. But he honestly just cannot be arsed to do anything, even if it means he can earn something for it! I am genuinely starting to think he's just utterly lazy because I'm sure at his age I would have done stuff if it meant I got money. I don't know, I have been thinking lately that we need an overhaul of some kind but not sure what. What about you?

Thank you for creating this thread!

I have a 14yo stepson and 12 yo stepdaughter. My god, it’s hard work parenting at this age! I have been in their life for as long as they remember, so it’s the usual parenting battle for us/no “step” rivalry thrown in to also contend with thankfully

So, my SS has had a big change since lockdown. Huge growth spurt, deeper voice, bit of a moustache (he’s acting like he has a full grown beard )

I am going to sound awful now, but I’m finding it awkward because he still calls his Dad “daddy”. When he speaks about him to his friend he’ll say “my dad”, but if he shouts him etc. it’s Daddy. I think it’s obviously just habit. The two younger ones say daddy and when he sounded younger and looked younger (even just a few months ago!), it’d didn’t even cross my mind.

Now I really wish he’d say Dad, for his sake! Kids at this age can be cruel and I’d hate for him to get stick over it. I’ve tried to hammer it in discreetly... “can you ask your dad this?” etc. He’ll go off into the other room... “daddy...” I’ve said to my other half, maybe he should have a word with him? Even if he says “oh don’t worry, you don’t have to call me daddy anymore” to make it light hearted?

Any ideas? How did it happen for everyone else?

Mine's 13 and stopped saying Mummy and Daddy probably around the end of last year? I still habitually say it - "go and ask Daddy" etc - and he will correct me to just say Dad. I'm getting the hang of it because I know he prefers us not to say it any more and we slip up sometimes but we're getting there!

I don't think he's slipped up in saying it in front of his friends - it's totally out of his habit now. I think the same will probably happen with your boy, it will just phase out in his own time. The fact that he's not saying it in front of friends suggests he's aware of it to me, but perhaps still hanging on to it in the privacy of home because it still means something to him? I suspect he'll stop before long in his own time.

 

[nbt]

@choccydigestive you’re right about the Dad thing. It’s just habit and he’ll change when he’s ready. I guess kids grow up so quickly, it’s actually nice that there’s still a young side there!

Re. households jobs... we’ve never set jobs for allowances. We’ve always thought it’d open up a can of worms. The kids will think they can do a job as quickly as possible and still get money for it.

They’re not really without anything, so we do expect a little help in return but it’s really not much.

With my stepchildren, because they’re only with us at weekends we generally have more time for things anyway and so they’re only asked to sort themselves out - uniform in the wash, make their beds, make sure their stuff is put away. I do also ask that they set the table and help take things away, take the rubbish out. Occasionally ask them to fetch me a pile of washing or something.

If the older two are late down for breakfast then they get in themselves and wash their pots. I’m not waiting around forever to do breakfast if they’re too busy on their phones to come down in time

If they were with us during the week when I’m generally busier after school/work then I would ask more of them.

 

[Impleo]

Thanks for this, denying something and therefore making it forbidden and irresistible is a definite issue. For example, he's at this age where he's watched all the 12-rated movies going and we've allowed him to watch a selection of 15s based on our assessment but he now thinks that any 15 should be fair game. My goodness, the lawyer-like arguments he puts forth for his point of view is mind boggling!

Is your lad a movie guy? My son soaks them up, still does now, his knowledge of movies is better than any of ours so Christmas we often get obscure movies that are spot on to our tastes. I judged each movie on its own merit, until you get to the point where you can tell they are well-adjusted and loosen up the reigns. I never really listened to the ratings - a 15 rated comedy with a bit of innuendo or a breast is not the same as a dark psychological thriller that might keep them up at night. I love that he argues his case, he sounds like a smart guy! It was the same with video games, I never allowed him violent video games when he was younger, at all. He could be the only child in his class not to play Grand Theft Auto, but I was still standing by it.