Parenting teenagers

[Itsalwayssunny]

The biggest advice i could give is setting rules regarding screens. My now 17 year old has to bring all devices out at 10.30 but it was a lot earlier when he was younger. He can choose what time he gets in to bed and go to sleep but after device off time he is to stay in his room. He is generally bored so actually goes to sleep so then he isnt lacking sleep through staying up all night on his phone or Xbox

Curfews when they go out - for every minute they are late the same amount of time gets deducted the next day.

If they are home alone and want to go out I made mine either text me the details or write on the white board what time they went out, what time they expect to be back, who they are out with and roughly where they will be going
I.e. out at 4pm with George, will be home at 6.30 for supper, going to skate park and to knock for othe friends

A teenage appetite can be HUGE, they have so much growing to do. I set limits on things like snacks and crisps but they could eat as much toast/fruit/yoghurt as they wanted

If I ask mine to do anything I dont expect it to be done right that minute, I may say the dishwasher needs to be emptied please can you do it by x time that way you arent always dragging away from what they are doing or their friends etc and I actually find things get done quicker than when I demand they are done straight away as that always results in us getting stressed

If I think of anything else I will post it

 

[Impleo]

I've found parenting teenagers harder than toddlers but definitely more rewarding, the parts in between that were bliss. I have a 20 year old and a 16 year old, so obviously only one teenager now but the other is still a student, and reliant on us for "stuff" so I still do mother him a bit lot

With girls, I would say be aware of their cycles and moods. I am more forgiving when I know it's certain times of the month. I think it's also important to make them aware it's because they're hormonal and not a 2 headed monster if they do face meltdown. I always make sure there's good chocolate and orange juice in the house for those times, it seems to be what works for us

I've never limited screen time, just told them what we think is sensible. If I felt it had taken over their lives, perhaps I would think differently, but they both have interests outside of screens that have not really made it an issue. I personally think if you deny people something, they want it more, especially when they inevitably get that freedom. I've also never linked chores to money. There's just certain things that are expected, like tidying up after yourself, doing your washing, offering to make cups of tea/coffee for anyone around if you're making one, and if I ask them to hoover/dust/empty the dishwasher I just ask them to have it done by a certain time that day.

Curfew we did have, but it was pretty generous, it seemed to be stuck to, but by the age of 17 with my son he was pretty much doing what he liked. He's got a good group of friends that live locally and we were fine with that. We still expect him to tell us if he will not be coming home that night either by text or beforehand, but I think that's just a courtesy of living under the same roof.

School work has been really important to us, but we've always let the kids know they're not doing it for us, they're doing it for themselves, and if they choose not to do the work, they are the ones who are going to suffer. We still had to stick the boot in sometimes. If we felt they weren't doing enough we would communicate with their teacher in whatever subject it was, to let the teacher know that we wanted them to work on it with them, that seemed to be enough to get my kids working again. I didn't think the degree my son was doing was the right one for him, I thought he'd be changing after the first term, and I told him so, but he was determined, and he seems to be loving it - sometimes you do have to admit when you're in the wrong and I've told him that I was. The hardest part of parenting for me has definitely been the stress of seeing one through 2 years of GCSE's and then on to A-levels and then straight on to it with another - what will be 8 years of preparing children for exams has been stressful and I will be glad not to have to do it again.

We were pretty young parents and didn't really have a plan, just felt it out as we went along and I'm glad we've done it that way. My husband and I don't take life outside of the obvious stuff too seriously. We try and have a laugh with the kids, there's a lot of things that we all share enjoyment in - I make sure there's food on the table, always let them know we are there for them, the house will always be an open door, but it's their lives to make and live and enjoy.

 

[Lhm87]

I really love this! And find this thread so interesting as I have two very young boys, teenager land is so far away but it’s so good to listen to other people’s ideas.

Just purely out of interest, if he was doing something that was dangerous/dodgy, would you step in and warn strongly against it/tell him to stop? What would your take be on this?

Oh yes of course, but I wouldn’t punish and shout and scream. I’d sit him down, explain the dangers of his actions and what could happen if he carried on down that path. Respect goes a long way with teenagers.

for example, he admitted to trying smoking a few months ago. I thanked him for being honest, sat down with him and explained the health issues that accompany smoking and also that girls don’t like it hes asthmatic so I explained just how much worse it could be for him. He now has openly told me, without prompting that he has again tried it but doesn’t like it and has decided not to do it.
his best friend on the other hand told his mum, she grounded him for a month and removed ALL his privileges. He now isn’t honest with her about anything and my son tells me what his friend is up to and he’s carried on smoking But his mum thinks he wouldn’t dare do anything now as she would just punish him.
Trust me, at 15/16, If they want to get away with something, they will. I’d just much rather know what he’s doing rather than believing he is an angel.

 

[Drea1984]

Exactly as Rocknrolla says. Pick your battles. Or your house will be a war zone for years. Praise god mine is in mid twenties now. Wouldn’t go back to all that shite for all the tea in China.

 

[Ooohb*tch!]

I'm not a mum so I know my opinion won't really count... (I just enjoyed reading everyone's advice though because my older sister is constantly trying to tear me down when I say how I plan to bring my children up when we decide to start a family)

It's completely out of my place seeing as I don't have kids but I find myself saying to people "you can't be friends with your kids" and I totally stand by it.
My parents were quite strict with me and I saw how my friends would really manipulate and take the piss out of their parents who tried to be friends with them!

A few Christmases ago my partners auntie was stood telling me how her and her daughter had this great relationship, how she always knew who she was with and where she was because she "tells me EVERYTHING!" All while her 15 year old daughter was stood behind her pulling the smuggest grin at me.. could of slapped her little face honestly!

As a teenager my parents were unfair at times but everything they said no to, all the early curfews and the punishments was for my benefit and it's shaped me into the person I am today! In my opinion they did right to be a little strict, it only made me respect them.

Don't be afraid to be a bitch - they won't hold it against you forever!

 

[Whosthatonethere]

Thank you, that would be wonderful! I’d definitely like to know what things really drive you up the wall the most.

generally it’s just not being treated as an adult but obviously that’s a bit more understandable now that I legally am an adult

when I was younger (16/17) it was mainly my parents not trusting me/sneaking around in my things to find out what I’m doing, opening post (things that you wouldn’t dream of doing to an actual adult!) I genuinely think when a parent or guardian treats a teenager with respect and opens themselves up as a friend figure they can have a better relationship and one that’s built on trust. With no sneaking around or deceit on anyone’s part. I’m not saying you have to treat them like a mate and there does have to be boundaries but spending quality time with them, taking them out / finding something you like to do together (could be as simple as watching a certain TV programme) and asking them questions about friends, maintaining a “one of the girls” relationship really does help to let them know you’re there. I know me and the majority of my friends would love it when other parents were like this and desperately wanted it for ourselves. In many cases these parents were the ones we called if someone had found themselves in any issues (which could then be appropriately sorted, instead of being kept bottled up). Being open with them about safety on nights out is also great (they’ll probably shrug their shoulders, rolls their eyes or yell you’re embarrassing them but rest assured when you’re gone all their friends will be saying how great it is you’ve got such a supportive parent and they’ll feel A LOT safer and a LOT less judged)

- 14/15 not being open to your kids ideas is a big pet peeve of mine. I think as adults and as parents it’s easy to brush off what they’re saying as just a “woke” phase everyone’s going through but I think it’s great that you get an insight on what they think about the world, in any case you can share different opinions with them and get them thinking about a wider more rounded pool of ideas

-11-13/14 I think it is SUPER important to get involved with schooling, especially year seven I think it’s crucial to give them help with structure and time management. Also push them towards clubs and extra curricular! It can be a really lonely time with the start of high school and most kids cover it up well, they grow into it as most do but this little extra attention could be good for them. I know I wish someone would have picked up on this for me and taught me these skills! And again just having that one of the girls relationships means they can come to you for advice (just try make it judgement free and if they are doing something wrong approach it empathetically - last thing you want to do is alienate them!)

Sorry this is so long!

If there are any other ones just keep em coming ahaha

 

[Maxine1974]

I have 15 & 16 year old daughters so I will keep an eye on this thread!!
I would swap fussy eating, nap times and night feeds ANY day over parenting teenagers my friends that have babies & little kids are all complaining about the stress of babies and toddlers but I personally found that way easier than this stage!!! The don’t talk for a start

 

[Lhm87]

I have a 16 year old son who’s been off school for a year due to his health. I’m a single mum who works shifts, full time in a high pressure, stressful job. I don’t parent my son like most. I learned very quickly to parent how it suits YOU and your family. Don’t compare yourself to others. If I compared myself to other families I’d kick myself every day.
I’m a firm believer of giving teenagers rope and room to make their own decisions, even if they’re the wrong ones. Once I stopped nagging my son to shower and brush his teeth, he started to do it on his own.
If you tell a teenager they can’t do something, they will find a way anyway. So the key is openness and honesty. I laugh at parents who say Their teenagers dont do this and that because they’ve been told they can’t; trust me, if your teenager wants to do something, they will and you will NEVER know. my son does things most parents wouldn’t dream their kids do (nothing illegal or dodgy!) the only difference is, I know about it and they don’t. He’s very open with me and I choose to accept his decisions, if I was to punish him for things, he wouldn’t stop doing them, he would simply stop telling me.
I personally think you can cause more damage by being too controlling and over parenting, because once they’re adults and can do what they want, they may rebel against those good habits you think you’ve instilled. I’m a firm believer of teenagers doing things their way, they soon learn the best way (which also happens to be the right way most of the time).

 

[Platypusfattypus]

Probably not a popular viewpoint but I love parenting teenagers. I've got a 14 Yr old and a 12 Yr old and whilst we get the odd sulk overall it's fun. Loving being able to talk about stuff with them, have a laugh and get to do fun stuff (not as much with Covid). I'm enjoying see them get more confident and spend time with their friends. I'm pretty relaxed parenting wise but they have chores they are expected to do and they get pocket money for these. I pretty much do what the poster below does. My main thing is trust. I tell them they have my trust but as soon as they break it, its going to take a lot to get it back.

The biggest advice i could give is setting rules regarding screens. My now 17 year old has to bring all devices out at 10.30 but it was a lot earlier when he was younger. He can choose what time he gets in to bed and go to sleep but after device off time he is to stay in his room. He is generally bored so actually goes to sleep so then he isnt lacking sleep through staying up all night on his phone or Xbox

Curfews when they go out - for every minute they are late the same amount of time gets deducted the next day.

If they are home alone and want to go out I made mine either text me the details or write on the white board what time they went out, what time they expect to be back, who they are out with and roughly where they will be going
I.e. out at 4pm with George, will be home at 6.30 for supper, going to skate park and to knock for othe friends

A teenage appetite can be HUGE, they have so much growing to do. I set limits on things like snacks and crisps but they could eat as much toast/fruit/yoghurt as they wanted

If I ask mine to do anything I dont expect it to be done right that minute, I may say the dishwasher needs to be emptied please can you do it by x time that way you arent always dragging away from what they are doing or their friends etc and I actually find things get done quicker than when I demand they are done straight away as that always results in us getting stressed

If I think of anything else I will post it

 

[Whosthatonethere]

Not here as a parent but just mentioning I’m a teen and I can get that it’s quite hard for parents with teenagers in this current climate of social media/ growing up really fast/ corona/ political mess so if anyone has any questions or situations they want to fire at a willing teenager (19) you can always reply to this

 

[NinaStar90]

Foster a relationship built on trust.

Rudeness I can tolerate. Being annoying I can tolerate. Small rules being broken I can live with.

But I had my child when I was 16, I was someone who lied to my mum and my god, the way things ended was not pretty.

If I know about behaviour/incidents I can talk through them with my child before they get too out of hand. I can help him make the next choice on how to fix it. If lies are told in my house the consqeuences are always worse than telling the truth about whatever the behaviour was. Once they get used to it it becomes normal and they just openly come to you with issues.

 

[choccydigestive]

Some great advice and info on here, thanks. I try to choose my battles wisely, my husband is a lot stricter so it’s tricky trying to balance our parenting styles adding to the woes

I do check my son’s phone each evening which does feel like an invasion of privacy in one sense but at times there have been conversations and things on there that are not appropriate and so while he’s a young teen I’ll be keeping tabs on that and making sure he hands it over each night. If he didn’t he’d be on tik tok all night!

Homework each evening before any computer time. Trying to get him to take ownership for chores but that’s a real battle atm and I end up doing it to ensure it’s done! I do try and remember how I was when I was his age and that sometimes helps me to manage my expectations

Sounds like we’re in roughly the same boat!

I often do things he should be doing himself because it seems preferable than the constant reminders and negotiation attempts and the fact that he won’t do it properly anyway. I always kick myself as I know I’m making a rod for my own back but sometimes I just can’t be arsed with the drama.

I'm not a mum so I know my opinion won't really count... (I just enjoyed reading everyone's advice though because my older sister is constantly trying to tear me down when I say how I plan to bring my children up when we decide to start a family)

It's completely out of my place seeing as I don't have kids but I find myself saying to people "you can't be friends with your kids" and I totally stand by it.
My parents were quite strict with me and I saw how my friends would really manipulate and take the piss out of their parents who tried to be friends with them!

A few Christmases ago my partners auntie was stood telling me how her and her daughter had this great relationship, how she always knew who she was with and where she was because she "tells me EVERYTHING!" All while her 15 year old daughter was stood behind her pulling the smuggest grin at me.. could of slapped her little face honestly!

As a teenager my parents were unfair at times but everything they said no to, all the early curfews and the punishments was for my benefit and it's shaped me into the person I am today! In my opinion they did right to be a little strict, it only made me respect them.

Don't be afraid to be a bitch - they won't hold it against you forever!

I love this viewpoint, thank you! I know I’ve made the mistake of doing this many many times. Our son is an only child and we never planned for him to be, it’s just the way things turned out. As a result I definitely carry guilt that he has no siblings so I do try to fill that gap at times. It’s really hard to strike a balance.

 

[I’m telling]

The trouble parents have is they fail to change their parenting approach.
teens are a unique animal. Not children, not adults, but learning and growing so fast. And so stupid!

my advice is a family meeting. Start w saying you are not young children and it is time to talk about how we parent a teen/young adult. Make this the first of regular, monthly (or whatever works), meetings.

topics for meetings
expectations- just what do you expect as they get older. An after school job, sports, drama, whatever the kid is into.
Home responsibilities- what do you expect from them.
money- how will you fund their activities, dates, clothes etc. talk about budgets! Teach them during the process.

it is the perfect time for you, as the parent, to start seeing your kids as the young adults they will be. And treating them w more responsibility while setting expectations.

for curfews, set a reasonable time (kinda a moot point now, but have the talk). I like a grace period. Your curfew is 11. I expect you to tell me when you get home. I expect you to call me if you will be late. No call and gone more than 15 minutes after curfew has consequences. Engage the. Teen in the consequences. What is a reasonable consequence for failing to keep your word.

address everything as expectations and consequences. Ask them too for input on what they want from you. As a parent, as the bank of mom/dad, as an advocate.
it’s all about communication and starting to change your parenting from a child to a young adult or a teen heading towards adulthood.

 

[choccydigestive]

Those of you with boy teens - how do you handle them standing up to you? My son is now taller than me and if we're in a situation and I ask him to go to his room, for example, and he refuses and just stands there, or walks off, I am literally powerless to do anything. I can't pick him up and plonk him on the naughty step! I feel like he's now very aware that he's bigger than me and that although I can tell him to do stuff, he knows there's really nothing I can do if he refuses to do it. Or for example, if we had an argument and he walked out of the house, I can't stop him. It's starting to freak me out a bit. Any ideas?

 

[Happygolucky280]

I am a single parent to two boys, 14 and 15. Since they were little I was always honest with them about sex Ed etc- age appropriate of course. I think it has made it easier to have these more difficult conversations now they are older as the topic has never been off limits in our house. I try to be a consistent parent with them both but am finding because they have very different personalities that different approaches are needed which causes complaints from the eldest one. I do feel the eldest child leaves the way and it can appear parents are more lenient on the next kids at that stage.
pits a minefield and I wish there were parent and teen support groups the same way there are parent and baby/toddler groups.
I don’t want my kids ever to be afraid to come to me if they need help or have done something wrong. From the. Beginning of secondary we have had a system that if they are in a position that they want out of for whatever reason but don’t want to loose face with their friends etc they can text me their initial and I will phone them straight away with an excuse/ reason that they need to come home or be picked up ASAP. I won’t ask them about the situation but if they want to talk about it that’s fine. When the eldest was 12 he uses this system when he was out and his friend wanted to shoplift.
what has struck me during these teen parenting years is I must have thought my parents were buttoned up the back as some of the excuses etc I used to pull as a parent now I can see how ridiculous and transparent they were. Sometimes I say to my boys, I know what you are going to do before you even do.

 

[choccydigestive]

I have a 16 year old son who’s been off school for a year due to his health. I’m a single mum who works shifts, full time in a high pressure, stressful job. I don’t parent my son like most. I learned very quickly to parent how it suits YOU and your family. Don’t compare yourself to others. If I compared myself to other families I’d kick myself every day.
I’m a firm believer of giving teenagers rope and room to make their own decisions, even if they’re the wrong ones. Once I stopped nagging my son to shower and brush his teeth, he started to do it on his own.
If you tell a teenager they can’t do something, they will find a way anyway. So the key is openness and honesty. I laugh at parents who say Their teenagers dont do this and that because they’ve been told they can’t; trust me, if your teenager wants to do something, they will and you will NEVER know. my son does things most parents wouldn’t dream their kids do (nothing illegal or dodgy!) the only difference is, I know about it and they don’t. He’s very open with me and I choose to accept his decisions, if I was to punish him for things, he wouldn’t stop doing them, he would simply stop telling me.
I personally think you can cause more damage by being too controlling and over parenting, because once they’re adults and can do what they want, they may rebel against those good habits you think you’ve instilled. I’m a firm believer of teenagers doing things their way, they soon learn the best way (which also happens to be the right way most of the time).

This is such a great point of view, thank you. We often do learn best by our mistakes, don't we, especially at that age. That way they can teach themselves the lesson rather than us preach at them and that can be a lot more meaningful. I have definitely been guilting of over-parenting and part of starting the thread here is to look at ways I can ease up and let go safely while not going totally AWOL.

 

[Lhm87]

Thanks, I totally agree about picking battles. I couldn't physically push him into his room anyway so I wouldn't even try! He is in Year 9 and taller than me. He is in a big push-back phase at the moment, I think a lot of hormones are whirling around and he's stressed about Covid. It just makes me panic that in terms of physical space I can't really contain him. Probably a lot of over-worrying on my part.

in year 9 I don’t think you need to feel like you NEED to physically contain him. He may push back but you will win if you just stand your ground calmly. I found once I chilled out and stopped arguing with my son, he also chilled out. Kids are a product of their environment. They’re stubborn and their instinct is to push back if they feel cornered. Hormones are scary and he probably has no idea why he is feeling/behaving in a certain way. If he is being obstructive and defensive he probably doesn’t really know why. My son is no angel but I’m a young mum so it’s not that long ago I was in his shoes and we have the same personality so I know if I back him into a corner or try and be too strict, it will be world war 3. It’s just not worth it, they need room to spread their wings and figure stuff out for themselves. Good luck!

 

[Rocknrolla]

I’ve got a 14 year old and I’m learning the hard way to pick my battles wisely. I’m trying to ignore The Kevin and Perry style attitude and only pull him up on the more unacceptable stuff, otherwise we clash and end up bickering for days on end.

 

[nbt]

My 12 and 14 yo stepchildren are currently making us tea... it’s driving my other half crazy

12yo SD is really keen, 14yo SS is having a go at every little thing she’s doing haha. Bless her! I think between them they both think they’re doing the right thing but it’s testing times

 

[Pundertaker]

My biggest rec for parenting a (lovely but moody) 13yr old is Qustodio. It's an app that tracks and limits device useage (you can get similar apps, but this is the one we've had for a few years #notanad). It's not 100% bulletproof but has enabled me to pick up on dodgy messages, block specific apps, track her location, shut the internet off at 9pm etc. The only downside is that it doesn't seem to work on her iPad. Works fine on laptop and phone though. Costs about £30 a year. In the beginning I'd be looking through her whole internet and messaging history, but these days I give it a quick skim and just look for red flags. You get notifications for a lot of things anyway.

I find relationships go downhill quickly when we don't have good family time. She would happily spend all day in her bedroom (when not out with mates etc) but we make a point of having dinner together and watching something on TV that we all like. Over the summer we did a family table read of a play, which was good fun too (she wasn't always enthusiastic but would get into it once we sat down).

I am also frank when I need to be. I think it's a good skill to model E.g. if something is going to have consequences, I say them plainly--no added insult, but no pussy-footing around either. I find this approach more effective than shouting...when I have the patience for it. It works for discussions about hygiene as well as implementing punishment etc.