Niomi Smart #71 Awakening her kundalini while wearing nothing but a barely there bikini

[lilamay]

She's really trusting a document that uses JOKERMAN font?!

 

[formerly_sitkx]

okay here's the recap:

- immediately got jumpscared cause thought she got a bob cut

- Monday 7:30 in Bali, been for a couple of weeks, "feels like being back home"

- "i definitely filmed on the weekend last time...maybe?"

- wakes up at 7:30, but tomorrow up at 5am for "a photoshoot"

- dogs start barking in the background, animal-lover Niomi: "oh good morning puppies...there's never a dull moment here" with this face

- me 2 mins into the video:

- humblebrags that she "only" spends 15-20 minutes meditating, but then says meditation "wasn't a priority" for last few months because she was traveling in Europe. I'm not sure what they were doing sunrise to sundown other than dancing in the streets though

- gleambot moment where she says the same sentence twice but doesn't edit it out

- "meditation made even more challenging when there's construction work all around haha"

- lets it slip that she does ice baths and saunas, probably forgetting her condescending "dead water" rant lmao

- "super super excited about work at the moment, real focus and drive".
The work:

- going to go to art store to buy art supplies for her mandalas, she says "it's all part of the work-life balance"... is the "work" in the room with us?

- she has an "altar" with a bunch of random crystals and stuff, and the FEATHER pls im crying why is she still holding onto that thing

- shows off her "oracle cards", they provide "some sort of comfort". You can tell she is so lost

- at art store she says "I'm in my absolute element" guys, she got the new personality update

- i skipped the entire coffee / cacao drivel

- goes to a ceramics store to buy "special mugs for cacao to make it feel even more special"... as @Mr.Mistoffelees said, her entire day revolves around consumerism for her new tailored personality of artsy cacao girly

- "the little details of what mug you have can make such a difference" = "buying new shiny things temporarily fills a deep hole in my heart"

- she asks Lordon is he likes them, and you hear him go "erm" in the background, which disappoints her visibly, she says "I'm getting a very...I'm not convinced by your face. I like them."

- goes in for cacao mugs. Buys mugs, spoons, tray, mini pitcher, cup holders, candle...

- the photoshoot is just for her instagram content of her mandalas and cacao making...

- shows off a huge amount of things bought at art store, but I am 99% sure she will use it once and lose interest

- will spend the evening drawing mandalas. Once again I ask, where is the "work" she was gonna do? visiting a gym and two stores = work?

- goes on and on talking about what a mandala means to her

- "it's such an honor sharing with you everything I'm learning and absorbing". girl where???

ugh i can't believe i watched 40 minutes of this
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ETA: @Lionsden completely agree, she is so insane. She's taking random mushroom essences she bought from someone on Etsy, random drops she buys at no-name stores, drinks tons of cacao all of a sudden, consumes an insane amount of tropical fruit. Then attributes her gut issues and breakouts to gluten??? Of all things? After she's been eating gluten and spelt for years and years with no issues. Make it make sense

 

[peanutbuttercupp11]

Imagine going from sharing your bed with this:

To this:

That's got to be the downgrade of the century

 

[Hannah Banana]

Quick Recap:

- Nims and Donks are working very hard in Bali (i.e., pointless navel gazing and teetering handstands).
- Nims attended a sex party in her undies with Donks, hosted by one of the latter’s cultiest contacts. Nims looked like a miserable old leather shoe all the while. Donks displayed his moobs and pouch to full effect in a mesh tank, paired with leather shorts (breakfasts were lost all across Tattle!), and filmed the festivities for his wank bank while his mouth seemingly remained open the entire time.
- Nims is now ‘embracing the darkness’ but NOT the Shadows (even just a hint of criticism or slightly critical query still gets blocked faster than you can say kundalini).
- Nims hosted a 25% off sale on Stupid Skin out of the goodness of her heart for an apparent clearance sale (consensus is that Stupid Skin may be going the way of Stupid Chats or whatever the short-lived podcast was called).
- Nims is ‘back on YouTube’ with two poorly-edited nonsense videos filmed on her phone because tee-hee she’s such a newbie vlogger.
- In one of said nonsense videos, Nims has self-diagnosed herself with yet another ailment (some gut issue or gluten intolerance?—couldn’t actually stomach the video myself).
- Nims also moaned about the ‘dead energy’ in her luxury villa’s swimming pool because of chemicals or something (meanwhile, our chemical-free queen’s hair still looks like the after effects of a nuclear catastrophe).
- THE BLEED.
- Nims was feeling sad about the shitshow that is her life bad vibes and instead of seeing a much-needed therapist, Donks took her to visit the tree she, without a hint of irony, still refers to as ‘Grandmother Willow’. Nims took the opportunity to whinge about construction (probably for villas and other amenities for worthless influencer leeches such as herself).
- Lifecoach Nims is seemingly imminent, as she’s under the incredible delusion that she’s accomplished something and ‘would love to share her journey’ (i.e., downward spiral) with others.
- Her bare arse continued to feature prominently and repeatedly, as suggested by the title.
- Finally, Nims has extended her love of equine beasts to an (actual) horse, who like all people and animals in Bali has a very special connection with Awakened Kundalini Goddess Nims and is not merely tolerating her for money or a sugar cube, she’ll have you know.

 

[kwanstermonster]

Unsurprisingly, these two have massive white saviour complex.

 

[Lilac Wine]

I’m surprised it has taken this long for Nims to develop a gluten intolerance. Most wellness and lifestyle influencers developed theirs years ago.

 

[pinkmug]

Same kid, same.
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View attachment 2550825
Unsurprisingly, these two have massive white saviour complex.

 

[chausette]

Saw this under a post on Smart Skin account

And this

Terrina:

 

[Callan]

So check this out guys..

Copied her comment into ChatGPT

Busted!

 

[iz10101]

I honestly don’t understand it. She the says thank you to the hotel for “going the extra mile” on the next story.

and praises the “attention to detail” and that none of it goes unnoticed.

babe wake up. You are saying all this and your bf is dressed like he’s about to take the bins out. She is honestly completely ignorant

 

[blurstoftimes]

enjoying their spiritually enlightened hot chocolate while their cleaner works away in the background. FUCK i hate them

 

[QueenBW]

Her transformation into a devine entity is almost compete. Behold, o ye, low vibration peasants! Bish crazy!
View attachment 2564591
A Day in the life of a goddess with instructions for the mere mortals.
View attachment 2564594

11:11 Portal with Niomi- a day in the life of a purposeless idiot.

- wake up and fuck your teeth enamel by drinking lemon water.
- pretend to like "sacred" music. What's sacred? Who knows, but as long as it sounds "ethnic"it should be okay. Anything to appear more interesting than the boring white AF cliched hippie I am.
- palo Santo to continue the cultural appropriation
- yoga flow because I haven't eaten all day but must burn more calories to be properly emaciated, enough that I can cross this portal thingy.
- find a "secret"garden spot that looks good on Instagram and pretend to journal while actually doodling and maybe writing a platitude or two.
- claim to have an intention even if you're just drifting through life totally aimless and depressed and in denial. Not me of course. I'm paaaahfect.
- Let a donkey breathe on my face.
- Light candles and incense because Portals can be dark and smelly. Right? Or am I thinking of Port-a-Potties? Hmm.
- slow and easy evening. Like every other evening.
- more doodling

Funny how I mentioned food exactly zero times. You really shouldn't eat on 11/11. Or on any day that ends in Y.

Oh boy, good job it was Saturday. How would I have fit this into my busy day of bouquet making, splits training, rice watching?

Must go think about myself, ahem, meditate some more.

 

[Hannah Banana]

So, I went to watch A Midsummer’s Night’s Dream today, and I didn’t realise the terrible twosome were in it!

 

[Hannah Banana]

Niomi has finally realized she has a parasite on her ass! A rather large and toothy one.
View attachment 2556490

OMFG “Here in Bali most people will pick up parasites.” AS INDEED YOU DID, NIOMI, AS INDEED YOU DID.

 

[Shutterbug99]

Niomi: "When it comes to the climate crisis, it can feel so overwhelming as individuals knowing what to do "

Try not taking several long-haul flights a year, you absolute hypocrite! I hope there are some 'Shadows' left to comment on this one.*

It's a paid partnership. She will say or do anything to make a quick buck these days. The absolute audacity of her to preach to others about climate change!


*Oh, someone already did.

ETA: That comment was deleted almost immediately!

 

[Lalisa]

I had to unfollow. She made me rage. Her period post might be the most ridiculous, full of shit thing I've ever read. I've been a gynaecology outpatient for 10 years due to my periods... I'm on mefenamic acid and tranexamic acid for the pain and flow. I've been prescribed oramorph (liquid morphine) for pain relief. I've had to call an ambulance before because the pain has caused me to nearly pass out (I don't have endometriosis, my periods are just THAT bad)

I was close to telling her what an absolute quack she sounds but she probably would have told me I'm not allowing my bleed to enlighten me. Yeah I'm sorry Niomi, my bleed tends to be too busy flooding my pants and staining my bedsheets for me to appreciate it.

Fucking idiot.

 

[Hannah Banana]

Oh god... she's Nimsplaining.

OMFG! This should go in the wiki or something because it’s all she does.

Nimsplain (verb):
1. To be blind to the irrelevant and unrelatable privilege of your own experiences, while condescendingly advising people who experience real difficulty, hardship, suffering or pain that they can overcome said circumstances merely through vague self belief and/or partaking in increasingly bizarre facsimiles of culturally-appropriated practices.
2. To write a lengthy, rambling spiel in which you attempt to appear enlightened, while revealing yourself to be ignorant and idiotic.

 

[Lionsden]

She's become such a mean, hard little woman. I can't believe she bitched about Bali's visa policies. It's her job to inform herself about the rules before entering the country. And she thought it was fun that she and Jamie were made to wear some provided clothing inside the government building. Again, it just shows that they were dressed inappropriately. You don't go to someone's office in your bikini. They are both so ignorant, classless, and disrespectful. You wouldn't think they had the kind of upbringing that they did, they don't know how to conduct themselves in so many situations.
Niomi looks like shit. Her curls are ridiculous, not natural at all, her hair color is a fiasco, wearing that bunch of mismatched jewelry, with one unshaven armpit and a burned decollete.
She actually rambled on about the visa shit for fifteen minutes. She keeps buying stuff to calm and relax her. The second half of the video is her rambling as well.

 

[melfish]

It's disgusting that the hotel literally markets photo ops with these kids, pandering to rich Westerners who want to feel "authentic", as though they were exhibits in a zoo. So dehumanising, so sickening. That kid giving the finger knows what's up

 

[CallItAsItIs]

Anyone else think she’s working in overdrive to make out to Lordon and her audience the trip is better than when she went with Joe?

“this isn’t real”
“Don’t know how we will ever top this experience”

I feel like it must be awkward knowing she went here before got engaged to Joe. And all the videos are still up about it about how it’s paradise and happiest she’s ever been

100%. She’s probably doing it to convince herself.

In stark contrast to today