sitkx
VIP Member
Alright my friends! 
In an effort to put you in a merry mood and to jingle your bells, I begin my ridiculous analysis of our darling Dimbob's VLOGMAS series!
Disclaimer: For legal purposes, this is all for fun's sake, please don't take me seriously and definitely don't take me to court. And yes, yes I do have a lot of time on my hands right now. What about it??
VLOGMAS 2015
(for continuity I will start with the oldest available year, although she only did 5 videos for that vlogmas. I will be putting all the youtube links into a Spoiler box, so that they don't take up so much space. Context: It was during this time that she broke up with Marcus and very happily moved out to a new flat).
~ We begin with frizzy blonde Niomi once again, accompanied by her little tiny saber tooth, yet to be fixed
~ She says menacingly, "I'm not going to be doing Vlogmas every day. I will be doing Vlogmas twice a day", which is already a great start to a chaotic and messy influencer career and constant editing mistakes
~ Niomi shows us her porridge, which, Shock! Horror! has more than 6 blueberries in it. But don't you dare think for a second that Niomi did not dilute her almond milk with water to save 5 calories (she did).
~ She will be going to Soho house, she informs us, no doubt intoxicated with the thought of meeting a posh rich man, who she will be able to dominate and starve. "Soon", she thinks. Legend says that a shiver ran down Joey's spine in this very moment.
~ "I've started doing this thing where I put a big dollop of jam in my porridge!", she says, as the camera shows what looks to be a teaspoon of jam smudged across a centimeter-thin layer of oats.
~ Niomi tells us she won "Most Inspirational Lifestyle Award" from InStyle. I'll give you a minute to digest that one, take your time
~ Eventually, she tunes in from the InStyle pre-party and says, "We've all got our vlog cameras out! I can't concentrate, I can't talk!" Niomi laughs insincerely, failing to realize that she is not letting other people talk or concentrate. Of course, what the plebs don't realize is that she is entitled to their time and they must remain silent while she vlogs, lest they want their peanut butters taken away.
~ "Too many conversations going on right now, TOO many conversations" sternly scolds Niomi, pretending to be a first grade teacher at an elementary school. Careful Niomi, you don't want to show your controlling personality quite yet, you're going to need that later!
~ She informs us she didn't have time to eat dinner, and instead ate a ready-made soup. "This is all that's left of it, I ate it ALL", she waves around a cardboard package of the soup and we are meant to be shocked. Wow! She ate an entire single-serve plate of soup! It's amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it.
~ Niomi then proceeds to show us a box of food from Planet Organic and recites exactly what quantities of which foods she consumed, in case you needed more proof of her obsessive control issues. "I've eaten two of these, i've had three of these" and so on. "I don't know when to stop eating, I keep going until I can't manage anymore", she lies. "I really need to put this away, otherwise I will keep eating those cookies", she smiles maniacally, as her internal organs cry from malnutrition.
~ We get a brief I-don't-feel-Christmassy-I'm-not-like-the-other-girls rant and she finally signs off.
End of Vlog 1
~ Niomi starts off the second vlog telling us she's doing "some kind of talk at some kind of conference", which is a sign of a great conference speaker. She asks her assistant, "where are we?" The first step to giving a great speech is not knowing what the speech is for or where you're giving it.
~ We then get a segment of Jim introducing a managing director of a company as the CEO, only to be corrected. Serious question -- does ANYONE in the Brit Crew have any competence?
~ Niomi says "lovely" about 158 times in this vlog. I quote: "sooo lovely to see [Big Tezza] out there [Florida], it's such a lovely place...I'm going out to meet her at the Savoy, which will be lovely". (2:30-2:51)
~ She spends like 3 whole minutes telling us she looks like a poodle and just how CrAzY her hair is, all while obsessively touching it every second:
~ She arrives at the Savoy to meet Big Tezza, who I am the #1 fan of. Big T looks as lovely as usual, sporting her finest and biggest jewelry. It is the Savoy, after all.
~ Niomi then walks to an ice-skating Yewchewb event at the Natural History Museum to have a passive-aggressive encounter with another star, Tanya Burr (actress-extraordinaire). If you want to cringe into the next dimension, watch 5:28-6:30. Prepare for endless insincere smiling and facetious exchange of pleasantries. Here's Niomi pretending to give a shit about not being invited to hang with Tan and Zoe ("I was busy as well. I wouldn't be able to do it anyway", she says angrily):
~ We then watch Niomi and Jim ice-skating and holding hands, while Tarn stands awkwardly on the stands (literally LOL). Tanya comments menacingly: "I think Niomi looks the most pretty she's ever looked", which might be code for "I'll kill you if you don't stop flirting with my man", I'm not sure.
~ As Niomi and Jim skate away from Tan (into the sunset), this is how I imagine Tan looked at them:
~ Niomi then records herself skating up to Jim and Tanya, Jim clearly having just gotten a scolding for pretending to be Niomi's boyfriend. Niomi comes up to Tan and says "are you jealous, Tan?" referring to her not being able to skate, but really meaning something else. You can tell by Jim's face and Tanya's grimace that he's in big trouble:
~ Niomi decides to taunt Tanya just one more time for good measure, so she holds hands with Jim yet again and does a little romantic skating pose
~ After a long night of making Tanya mad, Niomi is finally in a cab heading home. "It's such a good time seeing Jim!...and Tanya.." She says (with a manic gleam in her eye). She's finally feeling Christmassy, she tells the camera. Dear reader, all it took was ice-skating with Jim as Tanya looked on. Ah, classic!
End of Vlog 2
Okay besties, now I gotta go cook some honey garlic tofu for the fam
In an effort to put you in a merry mood and to jingle your bells, I begin my ridiculous analysis of our darling Dimbob's VLOGMAS series!Disclaimer: For legal purposes, this is all for fun's sake, please don't take me seriously and definitely don't take me to court. And yes, yes I do have a lot of time on my hands right now. What about it??
VLOGMAS 2015
(for continuity I will start with the oldest available year, although she only did 5 videos for that vlogmas. I will be putting all the youtube links into a Spoiler box, so that they don't take up so much space. Context: It was during this time that she broke up with Marcus and very happily moved out to a new flat).
~ We begin with frizzy blonde Niomi once again, accompanied by her little tiny saber tooth, yet to be fixed
~ She says menacingly, "I'm not going to be doing Vlogmas every day. I will be doing Vlogmas twice a day", which is already a great start to a chaotic and messy influencer career and constant editing mistakes
~ Niomi shows us her porridge, which, Shock! Horror! has more than 6 blueberries in it. But don't you dare think for a second that Niomi did not dilute her almond milk with water to save 5 calories (she did).
~ She will be going to Soho house, she informs us, no doubt intoxicated with the thought of meeting a posh rich man, who she will be able to dominate and starve. "Soon", she thinks. Legend says that a shiver ran down Joey's spine in this very moment.
~ "I've started doing this thing where I put a big dollop of jam in my porridge!", she says, as the camera shows what looks to be a teaspoon of jam smudged across a centimeter-thin layer of oats.
~ Niomi tells us she won "Most Inspirational Lifestyle Award" from InStyle. I'll give you a minute to digest that one, take your time
~ Eventually, she tunes in from the InStyle pre-party and says, "We've all got our vlog cameras out! I can't concentrate, I can't talk!" Niomi laughs insincerely, failing to realize that she is not letting other people talk or concentrate. Of course, what the plebs don't realize is that she is entitled to their time and they must remain silent while she vlogs, lest they want their peanut butters taken away.
~ "Too many conversations going on right now, TOO many conversations" sternly scolds Niomi, pretending to be a first grade teacher at an elementary school. Careful Niomi, you don't want to show your controlling personality quite yet, you're going to need that later!
~ She informs us she didn't have time to eat dinner, and instead ate a ready-made soup. "This is all that's left of it, I ate it ALL", she waves around a cardboard package of the soup and we are meant to be shocked. Wow! She ate an entire single-serve plate of soup! It's amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it.
~ Niomi then proceeds to show us a box of food from Planet Organic and recites exactly what quantities of which foods she consumed, in case you needed more proof of her obsessive control issues. "I've eaten two of these, i've had three of these" and so on. "I don't know when to stop eating, I keep going until I can't manage anymore", she lies. "I really need to put this away, otherwise I will keep eating those cookies", she smiles maniacally, as her internal organs cry from malnutrition.
~ We get a brief I-don't-feel-Christmassy-I'm-not-like-the-other-girls rant and she finally signs off.
End of Vlog 1
~ Niomi starts off the second vlog telling us she's doing "some kind of talk at some kind of conference", which is a sign of a great conference speaker. She asks her assistant, "where are we?" The first step to giving a great speech is not knowing what the speech is for or where you're giving it.
~ We then get a segment of Jim introducing a managing director of a company as the CEO, only to be corrected. Serious question -- does ANYONE in the Brit Crew have any competence?
~ Niomi says "lovely" about 158 times in this vlog. I quote: "sooo lovely to see [Big Tezza] out there [Florida], it's such a lovely place...I'm going out to meet her at the Savoy, which will be lovely". (2:30-2:51)
~ She spends like 3 whole minutes telling us she looks like a poodle and just how CrAzY her hair is, all while obsessively touching it every second:
~ She arrives at the Savoy to meet Big Tezza, who I am the #1 fan of. Big T looks as lovely as usual, sporting her finest and biggest jewelry. It is the Savoy, after all.
~ Niomi then walks to an ice-skating Yewchewb event at the Natural History Museum to have a passive-aggressive encounter with another star, Tanya Burr (actress-extraordinaire). If you want to cringe into the next dimension, watch 5:28-6:30. Prepare for endless insincere smiling and facetious exchange of pleasantries. Here's Niomi pretending to give a shit about not being invited to hang with Tan and Zoe ("I was busy as well. I wouldn't be able to do it anyway", she says angrily):
~ We then watch Niomi and Jim ice-skating and holding hands, while Tarn stands awkwardly on the stands (literally LOL). Tanya comments menacingly: "I think Niomi looks the most pretty she's ever looked", which might be code for "I'll kill you if you don't stop flirting with my man", I'm not sure.
~ As Niomi and Jim skate away from Tan (into the sunset), this is how I imagine Tan looked at them:
~ Niomi then records herself skating up to Jim and Tanya, Jim clearly having just gotten a scolding for pretending to be Niomi's boyfriend. Niomi comes up to Tan and says "are you jealous, Tan?" referring to her not being able to skate, but really meaning something else. You can tell by Jim's face and Tanya's grimace that he's in big trouble:
~ Niomi decides to taunt Tanya just one more time for good measure, so she holds hands with Jim yet again and does a little romantic skating pose
~ After a long night of making Tanya mad, Niomi is finally in a cab heading home. "It's such a good time seeing Jim!...and Tanya.." She says (with a manic gleam in her eye). She's finally feeling Christmassy, she tells the camera. Dear reader, all it took was ice-skating with Jim as Tanya looked on. Ah, classic!
End of Vlog 2
Okay besties, now I gotta go cook some honey garlic tofu for the fam
So I put the next best thing and the second with the most likes.
