Oh look! We have A Family in Crete vlog #3 a week late. Generic beach pic and LEE'S UPDATE. I see Lee is part of the revolving roster we have on this channel. Preening for the camera, Lee tells us it is day 1, sitting in one of those white chairs in the kichen/dining room/living room/dosshouse instilation. Lee is wearing his grey vest showing off his epidermis for us. "Chi Chi are we allowed on the sofa?" Lee stop harshing the dog's mellow. Of course she is allowed on the sofa.
BACK IN CRETE: "Mum, do you want anything from the shops?" Out comes Di waddling to say hello, probably wearing the clothes she slept in. Di has left an empty container in the kichenette sink near her room. Di wants tea, sweetner and hot chocolate. Di asks for Mark's dark inhaler and he didn't bring it.
What is with these two? Get your own inhalers for crissakes! Di brought two empty salbutamols. At the corner shop, Mark tells us he had an "Italian Job" moment whilst parking the car.
No Ovaltine, no sweetner. Back at the rental, Nadia in her red bikini and white baseball hat. Update from Lee. Compilation of Mark's GoPro shots: Camera in Nanny Di's face, Mark jumps into the pool, at the beach with Nadia floating around, Mark being Mark. Mark pontificates on camera about older people. Nanny Di didn't want to go to the beach, ergo Mark thinks that is what happens when you get older, they don't want to be a burden and hold people up. He says he will walk with her and now she is going. Mark focuses on something on the floor. I don't know what it is, but he says "Nadia." Di says she is not sure of her legs as they walk down the stairs. Mark mentions something about showing us her toenail.
Good God, not the feet. I can't stand looking at feet, they creep me out. Most people showing off their nasty, dehydrated hooves. if they are anything like his, please no thank you DI. Mark is singing "Lean on Me' now.
"Why do they say lean on me when your strong?"
Umm, because the lyrics are when you're not strong. Four minutes of Mark and Di going down to the beach.
Ten minutes laatuh. Back up the steps and they have no handrails. They don't seem to do Health and Safety in Greece.
I almost took a header going down my sister's front steps, that are in violation of city by-laws. More than 3 steps and you need a handrail. Four more minutes back up. Mark washes his feet and thankfully he doesn't show us. Says something about finding a "
bleeping covent" to draw. Slow mo of Di reaching the top steps. They are going to a taverna and Mark is going to have to do 2 runs in the car. Swimming montage and Mark is doing his stupid faces underwater again. Shots of the sunset. At the taverna and Mark tucks into the taramasalata. "I've been waiting 3 and a half years." After dinner, down to the beach. "I've only got my knickers on so don't show me." She goes in and can't get up. She just sits there like a piece of rubbish washing up on the beach. "Oh my Gawd that was frightening."
Drama queen.
ANOTHER DAY DAWNS! "Do you want to see something you didn't know?" asks Nads in her usual nonsensical sentence structure. She flicks a switch and starts dancing along with the curtains as they are automatic. She starts warbaling "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" blended with "Everthing's Coming Up Roses" and Mark says "Oh God." "OOH AH, LEFT MY BRA, DON'T KNOW WHERE MY KNICKERS ARE!"x3 and a dance on the balcony. "Oh there they are!" "Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful sky, everything's coming up roses." followed by a scream. WITH HER KNICKERS FOUND... another Lee update. Lee doesn't hate the dogs yet. He ain't keen on the plants. He watered the plants and then it started raining. Mark says welcome to gardening like he is Alan bloody Titchmarsh. Lee has obviously never heard of a weather forecast. Mark is blowing up pool furniture. He was drinking a coffee but Kiki said she blow up the lilo, gave it to him and walked off. Mark
witches about his hair. He stands outside of the toilet with water sounds effect, then a toilet sound effects and out comes Nadia with her Air pods in. "What are you doing?" Another message from Lee about Toffee. She managed to finagle strokes from him, when she puts her head under his hand. He stopped doing it and now she is on the other end of the sofa sulking." It was stressful taking them for a walk, getting their feet stuck in their leads. Blah, blah. Exagerated laughing from Nads. Nadia tells him to shorten the lead or let them run around in that
tit tip garden.
TIME FOR POOL "EXERCISE". Nadia has an exercise band attached to the steps of the pool, doing tricep exercises. Her technique, if you can call it, is not very controlled. When she pulls, she extends her arms forward.
Nadia shows Di an exercise for her waist. She says Di looks like she is waterskiing. Nadia does her impression of waterskiiing now. Back to her crap tricep exercise. Di films Mark and Nadia doing the wall squat challenge. This is breathtaking stuff. Mark says the wall is for sissies. "Oh you're just sitting there. You're really good." Can you tell Di doesn't get out much? Mark starts wincing and the Nadia taps out. He is showing off now and I hope he can't walk next day. Fart noise. Di tries a bicep curl with a water bottle. Di is doing a squat, but she is leaning a bit foward. Kiki cackles in the background. Mark makes comment on Di's toes, which we can't see, but Di screams at him, "Look at those! Those are disgusting" and tells him to cut his nails.
Meanwhile, during this interaction, Nadia is showing off lifing the water bottle whilst in her red bikini. She wouldn't be out of place in a Frankie and Annette movie: Beach Blanket Bimbo.
T be fair, she does look good. Good for you Nadia.
INFLATABLES. Nadia stands by the side of the pool, inflatable lounger in front of her. She peers through the rectangular box of it and says in a goofy voice "I always wanted to be on television!" The crowd keep giving her instructions to turn it around and Mark belches. "MAAARK! There are other people here!"
Imagine going on vacay, only to find out the Sadderleys are your neighbours? Shudder to think. 
Nadia attempts to jump into the pool with this thing between her legs. Maddie swims up to her to flip her off the lounger. She tries to get back up, but her leg is stuck in the hole. She tries again, but her arse is hanging out of her bikini.
She floats along, until Maddie comes back to flip her again. Patrick holds the lounger as Nadia jumps and sticks the landing. Back at the beach for their 10th swim, Nadia tells us that there are fish in the water that nibble your toes like a fish pedi. Mark says Nadia has been bouncing around and doubts she is relaxed. She says she is. Kiki loves the sea, Maddie doesn't as she doesn't like the fish.
I doubt the fish enjoy people invading their space, so there's that. They are going to somewhere new for dinner, as their food last night was disappointing. Nanny Di is knackered and wants to go in the pool on her own, which Mark and Nadia are against.
I don't blame her. Just make sure you are well-stocked with crisps, mineral water and chocolate and she will survive.
Back up the steps and Mark plays Peeping Tom on his mum. "What are you doing?" Nanny Di is just puttering about, has put her suncream on (her decollatage is beet rea) and psyching herself up to go in the pool. She is reading "Learwife" by J. R. Thorpe. Ever wondered what happened to King Lear's wife? I assumed she was dead. Anyway, this book is about her. Dum dum tells us he ran in the midday sun and now he is paying for it. Good.
Calls the cypress tree in the backyard pathetic.
Better than what you have on offer in your tit tip. He is off to have a coffee to keep up. "Look at Nan, she looks like she is on Love Island. Gotta text!" He then shows Nadia how he hits the back of his head with the push latch. He makes faces as he gets his coffee. Nadia has some wine before goes out. She tells us she was drunk the night before. Mark tries to hit Nadia with the cupboard, but she ain't having in. He does it to himself for the 5th time. Mark says it is time for Di to show the subs her toe. In unison Di and Nads say no, no, no, no. Di says maybe at the end of the holiday, but not before.
They are off and Mark tells Di "not to
tit your gaff up, don't
witch your
tit up." No drinking and don't get in the pool. She shrugs her shoulders. In Agios Pakilakilos, at the pharmacy because Maddie has a blocked ear. Patrick finds a tacky towel. A chick in bent over whilst the dude bangs her from behind "Rasta
duck." Great family channel you got there. Nadia says look at those penises over there. Big phallic bottle openers. "What is it about Greece" asks Mark and Nadia doesn't know. Photo montage of food. Nadia gives us her TripAdvisor review. "The nicest staff, lovely food, the girls looked absolutely beautiful..." Mark says exquisite and I think he talking about their two. Nadia says Paddy is the sweetest son-in-law you could have. She mentons something puke inducing about the husband. Mark goes fishing for compliments on his stone skimming. She loves it around here, "rough and ready Greek." Mooch around the tourist shops. Nadia finds a mug in the shape of a topless woman. "I just love a shop like this." "Paddy does your mum like bowls? Is she a bowlly person?" Mark wants her to blow something and she refuses. They purchas an inflatable flamingo for Nanny Di. God this music is annoying, it's Jamaican sounding, not Greek. Shot of the sea and TO BE CONTINUED...
You make a good point re Mark. His meds haven’t had the same effect. Is he taking them?