Mumsnet #34 beep beep witches!

[notanotherusername92]

They really are obsessed with being as skinny as possible. They are the ones who tell you how much fat sugar etc your food has when you didnt ask.
I was at my first company Christmas meal and woman opposite told me that sprouts were very good " for slimming" when I told I mentioned I dont like them. I never said anything about trying to lose weight, she just decided I needed to and felt it was ok to let me know at a table full of colleagues that I was fat.
Bet shes a mumsnetter.

My mum is another one that always qualifies food by whether it’s “slimming” or “fattening”.

Jelly is really good for you, it’s very slimming. I love cheese but it’s very fattening. On everything that passes anyone’s lips.

Funnily enough I have a very disordered relationship with food.

I reckon all the “sushi is pure sugar” lot are overweight or have disordered eating, they’re either looking for a quick fix to their weight issues by convincing themselves they can eat as much cheese and ham as they want, or they’re looking for a way to cut out as much food as possible.

I had a friend who did ballet. They all became “vegetarian” at once. Purely because that meant they could disguise their ED’s behind “oh I don’t eat meat, I’ll make myself something later”.

 

[orangehead]

Do Mumsnetters actually speak French - or just expect the French to speak English?

You know on only fools and horses when uncle Albert says he can speak German and then he shouts at some poor woman ‘VOT IS YOUR NEM?’, it’s like that randomly sprinkled with some French words they know like croissant and bonjour.

 

[JarvisCockerSpaniel]

Not before changing the locks and putting all his clothes in bin bags outside.

I’ve chucked them out of the upstairs window, does that count? I’ve also just applied to change my son’s surname to mine by deedpoll, and cancelled ‘DH’’s subscription to Cycling Weekly. Ha! I’ve even outed his hobby!

 

[orangehead]

I’m more interested to know if she took a “parent and child” space in the parking lot. That’s one of the seven deadly sins of MN unless you have 17 SEN children under 8 and 13 medical conditions of your own.

Someone on Mumsnet called a pregnant woman a ‘selfish, lazy cunt’ because she parked in a parent and child space. Technically she did have a child with her and in the nicest possible way there comes a point for a lot of women in pregnancy where it looks like you’re smuggling a spacehopper up your jumper and surely we can all understand they might need a bit of extra room to get in and out of the car!

 

[bread-pitt]

We have MN at its finest with the cold meat thread. The poster’s husband likes to help himself to slices of cold meat from the refrigerator. So far we’ve had: bulimia, organ damage, mental health problems, eating disorder, thyroid problem. The man runs 12 miles a day and is training for a marathon.

 

[Bingie]

There’s a lovely Mother’s Day is ruined thread where the OP is (understandably imo) annoyed her husband didn’t think to get up with the baby. We’ve already had a ‘you’re not his mum’ and a smug poster who did get a lie-in because she ‘communicated effectively’.

 

[lachimolala]

Someone is bored (like me) and asked what she can do when her bf is out and she’s at home. She’s saving up to buy a house so needs something that won’t cost a lot.

One of the answers was to buy a horse

 

[50degreesnorth]

I’m 6 foot 3 and about 16 stone so I’d be taken out behind the chemical sheds and shot.

I don’t think Noddy will be giving you a lift home from the buffet then.

 

[50degreesnorth]

Ooh I’m torn.

On one hand he turned all the water into wine, perfect for all the wine o’clock posho yummy mummies *hic

On the other, he turned all the water into wine. Causing much pearl clutching and whispers of alcoholism amongst the middle classes. *catsbum

Such is the MN dilemma…

I think you’d probably want to LTB. He left stains on the sheets which lasted 2000 years.

 

[ShopTilYouSlop]

How old do I look? Be honest please. I think I’m quite wrinkly and look very haggard and old. But I find that nobody ever takes me seriously, at work or in my personal life as they all think I am lots younger than I am. It’s so annoying. I get id’d everywhere. So I just want to know hold old you all think I am

Never mind your age, I'm sorry to say that you are clearly a size 14, that is to say, grossly fat and flabby.

 

[notanotherusername92]

I’m the higher earner. I pay all bills etc, house in my name- dh earns enough to cover his own personal spending.

Mn can’t decide whether I’m financially abusing him or he’s a cocklodger

There are some very confused ducks milling about not knowing which row to get in.

 

[cat_follower]

Well I’ll go against the grain.

1. You don’t get a medal from St Peter for policing (shit) jokes you don’t agree with.

2. Why the fuck didn’t you just block and move on?

I’m sorry you’ve been banned from MN, you sound right up their street.

Eh, this is gross. Men sending women death and rape threats is depressingly common, and the women who are victims in these situations so often get responses like yours tearing them apart. You’re sounding a lot like the numerous bores in AIBU who get off on kicking people when they’re down, honestly.

 

[veronica71]

Ffs he’s not going to still be in nappies at 18 is he if he’s not struggling with a disability. It’s clearly hurting mums mental health and no one benefits from that.

there was also the classic of we’ve lost sight of what the right age for potty training now cos of disposables well I used cloth and my son was still nearly four when he trained - he’s 13 now and never shits the bed so there we are

 

[girlinbrum]

Awww remember when Clur was in their sleeves?

 

[FeloniousMonk]

Someone is bored (like me) and asked what she can do when her bf is out and she’s at home. She’s saving up to buy a house so needs something that won’t cost a lot.

One of the answers was to buy a horse

Surely to god the obvious answer is "have a wank" but then I guess on MN that would involve a sex towel.

 

[Samf2020]

There you go. Sushi is the same as sugar. FFS.
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I really want to knock some heads. No one owes you health or thinness. Your false concern, or outright hatred for fat people - women - is irrelevant. You aren’t the fucking crisp police. Get over yourself.

They really are obsessed with being as skinny as possible. They are the ones who tell you how much fat sugar etc your food has when you didnt ask.
I was at my first company Christmas meal and woman opposite told me that sprouts were very good " for slimming" when I told I mentioned I dont like them. I never said anything about trying to lose weight, she just decided I needed to and felt it was ok to let me know at a table full of colleagues that I was fat.
Bet shes a mumsnetter.

 

[redmixer]

It's ridiculous. I'm 5'7" too and according to my fancy pants scales my muscle mass alone is over 50kg. So if I ditched all the fat, water, bones, gristle etc in my body I'd still weigh more than her. I'm a size 10 (just about, maybe an 11).

GRISTLE
What will you tell the coroner when he finds you full of GRISTLE

 

[Salmonshirt]

Just read a thread where OP was told some family want to visit, so she parked her car around the corner so they’d think she wasn’t in. Her sister ignored the doorbell and stayed in the garden all day to also avoid said visitors.

 

[Geetbo]

Someone is asking how to curb her chocolate addiction.

“Something I enjoy is stirring some unsweetened cocoa powder into cottage cheese with some Stevia and frozen raspberries (or others). Put in the fridge for a little bit to allow the cocoa to hydrate and thicken the cottage cheese and the berries to defrost a little. It really is good and the cottage cheese has lots of protein.”

That has given me the boke.

Fuck me just get yourself a king size mars bar ffs.

 

[Serene Serena]

I've been looking for something like that for ages but I'm also a little worried, because I'm quite short, that I will be mistaken for a traffic cone

@Technobiff reckons she'll look like a spacehopper, you think you'll look like a traffic cone - what the hell am I going to look like? An orangutan, only less hairy? An enormous jar of marmalade? At least none of will be mistaken for Mumsnetters.
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Are my friends being CF or AIBU?

I recently found out I’m to be crucified next month, which came as quite a shock. However, on top of this, I also found out that I’m expected to host a final supper. My friends are insisting that I provide ample amounts of wine but I was only planning on offering water. Are they being cf? Would IBU to just offer them water, when actually anything over a thimbleful of wine suggests a problem anyway? This is supposed to be MY last supper and now I’m stressing about catering for several men. I feel like just shutting myself in a cave and ignoring them all. How would you explain to people that you’re not prepared to entertain guests at this current time?
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I don't think you should host this supper. I've heard on the grapevine that one of your mates has been gossiping about you and will get you in big trouble. I don't want to out him but his name begins with J.