Jus Rol chapter in the mem-wah
So guyszs. It was an innocent Wednesday afternoon. I was outside having my 6th fag that hour when I heard the postman at the front door. I puffed my cig and thought 'ah, my ebayers are here. More shite I dont need that I can show off to my skint followers.' I get up off my bench and before I go in the house, I turn and admire my pergoala. What the fucks that! A Daddy long legs! *slaps face*
I walk through the door, Jaymeh is laying on the couch akimbo on his William Hill app. Henry is scratching his balls and Ron is babbling to the P&G cardboard cut out of me I nicked from B&M
I gets to the front door and there's a fuck off big black box. What the fucks this? I open it... nearly have a heart attack 'OH MAAA GAAAAD.' I run in the livingroom and scoop Ronnie up from behind the sofa. I leg it into the kitchen with my box
I whip my phone out. I hardly noticed Ron rolled his eyes. 'Whats this then Ron!!! Shall we open it together!! Oh maaa gaaad I just laaaav it im starstruck guuuys!! What is it Ronnnssss. JUS ROL HAVE GIFTED ME ALL THIS PASTRY. IVE GOT PASTRY FOR 10 YEARS GUYS. FUCK YOU PASTRY TROLLS'
I finish my story. Fuck them ey Ron! I hadn't even noticed Ron had wrestled away from my arms and escaped to the cupboard where he was necking tumeric from the bottle
I pop another fag in my mouth and go and head outside
'Soph! Look! All them Tattle bastards are fuming youve been gifted loads of pastry. Their saying you should donate to the food bank?'
'Huh?' I replied. 'Whats a food bank?'
'Get your coat on now. Leave Ron the cardboard cut out will look after him. I'll throw a load of shite in a bag and take a pic for ya instagram later. Make some shite up on your story asking about the food bank'
I grab my jacket and start sweating writing a post. I ask whether the food banks are still open cos of Covid.
'Is that OK!?!?'
'What the fuck babe! You sound bladdy thick! Get in the car we'll just hurl a bag outside the normal food bank'
'Whats a food bank????'
Jamie whizzes round the corner once we get in the car. His phone rings and he ignores it. Im pretty sure seen 'Freda
' on the screen
We pull up outside the food bank and Jamie wings a bag out the window. 'Right take a pic and pretend its yours! Write some shit about some cute woman and then a security guard asking if your Mrs Hinch'
I pull my phone out and film myself chatting absolute shite. Then Jamies phone goes off. 'Freda
' again. I post it anyway
My head feels like its gonna explode!
I light up a fag and puff it in the car. 'Fuck sake Jamie you can do Rons tea and bath when we get in. Im gonna have to go on a blocking spree. We will fuck Jus Rol off and ill try get a deal with Alpen'