Message his new partner or leave it

[Tinkerbell cat]

I know this is quite confrontational, but how about going round to his house? (With your partner) and confronting them both face to face? Even with the police there. You can show evidence, show he is harassing you and his girlfriend can’t spin anything when she sees evidence as well as your partner and the police there?

Sadly no, He lives about three hours away from me so the area he lives in, I don’t really know and I don’t know anybody there so I wouldn’t feel safe, as he’s obviously unhinged. Thank you though, il definitely keep you updated.x

Yeah they always say if you don’t give them attention they will stop but I find that bizarre as it’s definitely not always true!

Spoiler: Spoiler of my experience to avoid derailing

In my case, I really did ignore him completely for ages - so he made loads of accounts and followed me, my friends, my family etc and started posting pictures of himself on the road where my family home was. It was obviously meant to intimidate and it was really scary. He also logged into my email account etc and posted clips of emails I got, and logged into my social media deleting any posts that referred to my new partner (this was months after we split so I had no idea he even knew my passwords). He kept getting worse like this until the police went round but I was also looking into an injunction until this point.

I really feel for you because I know you’re saying the full stop email etc isn’t a big deal but having dealt with years of this it will feel huge to you now and it’s very passive aggressive. He won’t let you forget about him kind of thing. I also really agree with the person above saying if you do tell his girlfriend he might get a lot worse so do be careful. Really hope you get sorted, it’s unfathomable that people can be this awful

Oh don’t worry, you aren’t derailing anything. I’m so sorry! That’s awful, must have been really scary for you, that someone who you once trusted and loved could get on like that and invade your privacy etc. I’m so glad you are well away from that.

Sounds like a similar situation in some ways, my ex also added all my family, my brother is a tutor and he pretended he needed a tutor, I tit you not. My brother never met my ex, we weren’t together that long. Imagine my surprise when I saw my ex commenting on my brothers status one day! I had to tell my brother all about him who had to block him. He also messaged my younger sister but deleted whatever it was before she could see. He added all my boyfriends family too.

it’s just mad, people wouldn’t even believe the half of it as it’s like something out of a book or a tv programme. I do think he will get worse so that’s why I’ve held back, think il wait and see as I’ve gave him the warning that I’d tell his girlfriend and there’s been nothing since.Tomorrow il give 101 a call and ask can someone come out and have a chat with people and go from there, once and for all. Thank you for you advice, has helped a lot. X

Sorry to read what is happening to you OP. I'd recommend contacting Women's Aid to see if they can offer advice on what to do.

Thank you, it’s not too bad compared to how it used to be but just irritating, il give them a little call tomorrow x

 

[The Devils Arse]

I would not contact the gf, and not contact him at all even to say leave you alone. Then he cannot use the excuse of you are corresponding with him.

Please please go to the police. As a pp has said, they have really tightened up now on harassment laws, which this is.

Also, I'm not a techy person, so this may not be an option. But if you want to keep your old email address, I'm not sure if you are able to set a "rule" to forward all of the emails you want to a new email address? Therefore you are still getting the correspondence you need without having to physically go into the email to check and see messages from him

Xx

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I would not contact the gf, and not contact him at all even to say leave you alone. Then he cannot use the excuse of you are corresponding with him.

Please please go to the police. As a pp has said, they have really tightened up now on harassment laws, which this is.

Also, I'm not a techy person, so this may not be an option. But if you want to keep your old email address, I'm not sure if you are able to set a "rule" to forward all of the emails you want to a new email address? Therefore you are still getting the correspondence you need without having to physically go into the email to check and see messages from him

Xx

The only contact I had was Sat morning when I responded to his email basically telling him I would contact the gf if he didn't stop, there was no response so maybe it worked but doubt it. He will probably give it a wee while to let the dust settle and then start up again. So far so good though.

I am in work until 5pm so going to give the police a call after work.

I am glad I wrote on here last night as I know if I hadn't, I would have likely messaged the GF then had major regret as no doubt he would have started up his rit. I am sure his true colours will soon rear their weird head with her. Not my problem and as much as if it were my boyfriend and I'd want to know if he was still messaging his ex random tit, I am putting myself first. I know if I do message her, he will only bother me and as much as I would like to make sure he can't think he can get away with doing whatever he wants, its not worth the aggro.

 

[Suzesnooze]

Another thing I would do is have your boyfriend 'protect his tweets' which sets his Twitter to private as then the ex can't see what he's posting or what restaurant you're in etc.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

Another thing I would do is have your boyfriend 'protect his tweets' which sets his Twitter to private as then the ex can't see what he's posting or what restaurant you're in etc.

He has done but my ex has actually made a fake profile and is on there somehow, we both went through all the followers and couldn't work out who it was, you honestly couldn't write it. I think its probably a bit of a hobby now for my ex. I hope one day his gf goes through his phone and see's how obsessed he is. Thankfully my boyfriend doesn't really post on there that often. I have asked my boyfriend not to post about bars/restaurants/plans etc until after we have done them and aren't there anymore, just in case. Its mad.

 

[Saddlesoap]

I know I've told you in the WHYDT thread to tell the girlfriend, but reading a bit more here I'm not as sure. I think the police is the best idea.

I wonder if you can deactivate your email so that if/when he sends you something he gets an undeliverable response?

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I know I've told you in the WHYDT thread to tell the girlfriend, but reading a bit more here I'm not as sure. I think the police is the best idea.

I wonder if you can deactivate your email so that if/when he sends you something he gets an undeliverable response?

View attachment 550146

Part of me still wants to say something because part of me is still annoyed and upset that he has just bothered me on and off for the past 3 years with no consequences but then I just want an easy life and can’t be bothered with the drama it could/would bring, and I’ve no way of knowing the outcome until it’s too late so I’ve decided to just hold back, wait and see if he actually plans to leave me be this time after my threat of telling her and hopefully that’s it put to bed. If he does contact me again then it’s a different story.

My boyfriends going to have a look at the whole email thing tonight, but I’m hoping there won’t be anymore. I’ve everything crossed.

spoke with police who were quite helpful, they’re going to come out and have a chat with me on Friday when I’m off work, they’ve said to keep a diary of everything which I have done, I’ve every single thing saved and tomorrow my sister is going to give her solicitor a call and see where I stand.
Xx

 

[Lucymyers]

Hi guys.

I know this might seem like I’m on the wind up but I’m not.

Some of you are aware of my situation as I’ve mentioned it a few times, an ex partner emailing me now and again, forwarding on old emails and just using “.” Or “” as the header. Once two weeks ago then again last Tuesday and again on Friday.

He either does it for a response, a reaction or to try and just get into my head - who knows. I’ve got him blocked everywhere, email is a bit trickier though as he just makes new emails. I responded on Saturday to him and told him I’d contact his girlfriend and ask her to ask him to stop if he didn’t, I’ve received no response from him and I’d like to think that’s it but I know what he’s like and he always comes back in some way, shape or form and has done for the past 3 years.

Part of me has been on egg shells since, fed up that yet again he’s getting into my head. I just feel so angry that he gets on like this.I’ve never hated someone so much. Why does he do it.

I sat earlier and composed a message to his new girlfriend but haven’t sent it as don’t particularly want the drama or any kind of backlash. I was also going to send proof of these emails and my message basically asking him to stop sending me full stops. I know it’s easier to just ignore and not give him any kind of reaction but then part of me thinks he will just continue as he is doing and in a week il get another email.

I feel for his girlfriend too, who’s likely seeing the nice side of him like I did at the start but behind her backs he’s being an oddball still sending his ex cryptic messages. I genuinely don’t want to hurt the girl or cause any drama but I feel like if she were to say something he would realise he can’t get on like that and stop. I just want an easy life and to get on with my life.

Sorry, I know this is probably laughable, and many would and should laugh it off but as I’ve said on previous threads, there’s been nearly 3 years of all sorts of mental abuse from him. If it wasn’t for all of that I would just laugh this off. it’s like he’s always there.

I’ve been honest with my partner who’s gotten tit from my ex in the past too. He’s said I need to get the police/solicitor involved again but I feel like that’s a waste of more of my life spent on him while he just does what he wants plus I’d feel like a fool when it’s just a handful of full stops, Jesus saying it like that makes me feel so ridiculous.

advice please.Should I just leave it and if it happens again say something?

Contact the police its harassment

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

Contact the police its harassment

Have done numerous times. Always was the same story, he hasn’t harmed me, block him, take myself off social media etc but that was a couple of years ago, contacted today and they’re going to come have a chat with me Friday. Hoping the fact it hasn’t stopped and has continued since they first came out should prove its not stopping, and therefore help me x

 

[Raininvain]

Why are you even on Twitter OP? You need to come off all social media and change your email. You can make a new hotmail account and just give it to very trusted people only. You need to return to the Police not be getting into telling his girlfriend etc. Sorry but you need to lock everything right down totally.

 

[Raininvain]

Have done numerous times. Always was the same story, he hasn’t harmed me, block him, take myself off social media etc but that was a couple of years ago, contacted today and they’re going to come have a chat with me Friday. Hoping the fact it hasn’t stopped and has continued since they first came out should prove its not stopping, and therefore help me x

.
I see, hope it gets sorted out for you X. I had something similar with a friend who when I told her I was done with her because she wouldn't stop being a witch then started screaming at me in the street and hassling my Mum as well. The Police spoke to her and she's stopped it all off. She was sending Mum poison pen letters the lot. x

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

Why are you even on Twitter OP? You need to come off all social media and change your email. You can make a new hotmail account and just give it to very trusted people only. You need to return to the Police not be getting into telling his girlfriend etc. Sorry but you need to lock everything right down totally.

.
I see, hope it gets sorted out for you X. I had something similar with a friend who when I told her I was done with her because she wouldn't stop being a witch then started screaming at me in the street and hassling my Mum as well. The Police spoke to her and she's stopped it all off. She was sending Mum poison pen letters the lot. x

All of my socials are locked down, and I only have people on them that I trust. There’s one or two I know are mutual friends but I have them restricted so they can’t see anything personal. As for my Twitter, i only ever retweet/like cat and dog videos lol, the occasional tweet to a friend but I’m very aware he could be watching so I never post anything personal. However, It isn’t my place to tell my partner to come off Twitter or what he can and can’t tweet, especially after 3yrs of it, you would think my ex would just get bored. Thankfully my boyfriend doesn’t tweet anything too personal, and if he ever did post about a restaurant or something being good, it would be after we have left. No pictures or anything. I also never accept anyone that I don’t know, and I’ve got my boyfriend doing the same.

I have changed my emails numerous times but I always go back to my original as it’s linked to so many different things, it’s such a shame. I know I need to make loads of changes for him to totally be gone but it just seems so unfair that my life needs to constantly be the one that has to change and he can just get on with it. it feels like I’m always the one having to hide away. I used to be so outgoing and now I’m just the opposite. It’s not as bad as it used to be, so that’s something.

The police have called with him and spoke to him before, he just doesn’t care but I spoke to the police today again and they’re going to come out on Friday.

I’m sorry you went through that with a friend, you wonder what goes through peoples heads. X

 

[Smellycat18]

I know this might not be anyone else’s idea of good advice but I cannot recommend highly enough a book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I have only read it in the past few weeks, saw it recommended on another Tattle thread after Sarah Everard was murdered. He goes through so many different types of scenarios. To me - from the limited info and, of course, I am not an expert- but your ex sounds like one of the types he describes in that, if your ex sends you e.g. 40 email messages before he hears from you, then he knows the cost of contact with you is 40 email messages and he will continue in that basis. The book is about £10, if that’s not in your budget and there’s a way of doing it while not violating your privacy, I will get a copy to you. Some of the stories are horrific but easy to read, if that doesn’t sound like a sick thing to say?
What you’re going through is a total headfuck and I wish you all the luck in the world

ETA - I just realised that might sound scary!! Sorry!!! If your ex is that type, he won’t harm you, but could go on indefinitely if you don’t go completely no contact. Also - I’m not on commission for the book, nor do I have affiliate links for the book . It was just genuinely such an eye opener. Take care x

 

[Magee]

YOU do not need to change your email, update your socials, live your life on egg shells because he oversteps boundaries and is clearly emotionally taunting you. I wouldn’t even waste your time with his partner, she will only raise it with him and he will know that he is affecting you. Get an injunction, and if he oversteps again, take him to court. Injunction is £250 plus VAT usually (I work in this field) x

 

[Chip1984]

YOU do not need to change your email, update your socials, live your life on egg shells because he oversteps boundaries and is clearly emotionally taunting you. I wouldn’t even waste your time with his partner, she will only raise it with him and he will know that he is affecting you. Get an injunction, and if he oversteps again, take him to court. Injunction is £250 plus VAT usually (I work in this field) x

Exactly! The only person who needs to change their behaviour is the creepy ex. OP shouldn't have to come off social media because of him!

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I know this might not be anyone else’s idea of good advice but I cannot recommend highly enough a book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I have only read it in the past few weeks, saw it recommended on another Tattle thread after Sarah Everard was murdered. He goes through so many different types of scenarios. To me - from the limited info and, of course, I am not an expert- but your ex sounds like one of the types he describes in that, if your ex sends you e.g. 40 email messages before he hears from you, then he knows the cost of contact with you is 40 email messages and he will continue in that basis. The book is about £10, if that’s not in your budget and there’s a way of doing it while not violating your privacy, I will get a copy to you. Some of the stories are horrific but easy to read, if that doesn’t sound like a sick thing to say?
What you’re going through is a total headfuck and I wish you all the luck in the world

ETA - I just realised that might sound scary!! Sorry!!! If your ex is that type, he won’t harm you, but could go on indefinitely if you don’t go completely no contact. Also - I’m not on commission for the book, nor do I have affiliate links for the book . It was just genuinely such an eye opener. Take care x

Thank you, il have a look for this book now on Amazon

I don’t think my ex would ever harm me, he is more bark than bite but it’s been going on for 3+ Yrs.

so a bit of background, we broke up about 3.5yrs ago after knowing each other a year and dating for a few months.
he wanted to see me on his terms, but he would then moan about it because he would prefer to be with his friends drinking. He was negative all the time, complaining all the time, it was always about him. Everything was a problem.

I didn’t text him back once so he deleted me from Facebook. He would then add me again. He would leave group chats, he would block and unblock. Childish and huge red flags, such an idiot I was.

Everyone told me what he was like but I didn’t listen. When we broke up I was still there for him, his emotional punchbag, running after him. He told me “I’m single I can do what I want so move on”, think that’s when i realised he was just using me so moving on is what I did. I put major space between us. Got myself into a good place mentally. No contact.

Months later I met my now boyfriend, my ex saw I was happy and back he comes ready to try again. He bombarded me for months, hundreds of messages a day, contacting my friends, family, my boyfriend, his family. getting his friends to ring and abuse my boyfriend and I. We changed numbers, locked all socials down but fake profiles would just appear. Then he would threaten suicide knowing I wouldn’t ignore that, telling me he would end his life if I didn’t speak to him or go back to him. It was every week so I had to get the police involved who would go round to check on him. He was told time and time again by so many people to leave me alone and to get help but he would lay low for a while then come back on the scene again.

so many other things like the constant name calling about my weight, appearance, family, telling me to stop eating and go running, how I’d huge thighs, I was a laughing stock and everyone hated me etc. things I’d told him in confidence he shared with everyone. He always dropped hints that he knew my new address. He literally manipulated so many people into thinking he was a good person whilst behind closed doors he was destroying my mental health all because I tried to get on with my life Just such a narcissist.

this past few months since he has got with his new gf he has cut the contact down massively apart from these random cryptic emails the past two weeks and I don’t really know why

I feel like it’s my fault as I’ve allowed it but I’ve ignored him 9 times out of 10, If I have responded it was always to beg him to leave me alone but it fell on deaf ears. I feel now the police and a court order is the option even though I have known that deep down, think I’ve avoided it because it was easier to bury my head in the sand and just ignore a message or email because I didn’t want to have to go through it all with police. But now I’ve spoke to them and hopefully we can get it sorted.

YOU do not need to change your email, update your socials, live your life on egg shells because he oversteps boundaries and is clearly emotionally taunting you. I wouldn’t even waste your time with his partner, she will only raise it with him and he will know that he is affecting you. Get an injunction, and if he oversteps again, take him to court. Injunction is £250 plus VAT usually (I work in this field) x

Thank you, this is what I’m going to do. I know contacting his girlfriend will not help and he will actually probably get a kick from it. Il etc you all know how I get on Friday x

Exactly! The only person who needs to change their behaviour is the creepy ex. OP shouldn't have to come off social media because of him!

I did for a long time at the start but when I went back on it would start again, it was pointless so I gave up and just got on with my life as best as I could with all my socials locked down.x

 

[Smellycat18]

YOU are not an idiot! You have been trying to be understanding and compassionate. From my point of view, anyone who weaponises your vulnerabilities against you is guilty of the worst type of betrayal. I’m sure he has reasons for behaving the ways he does - way back to childhood most likely- but that does not excuse it. The onus is on him to change but in the meantime you have to take steps to minimise any impact to you and your safety even if it does seem unfair that you have to take any action at all, when he’s the one at fault.

sending you so much love

 

[Dipstick]

Do not, in any circumstances, go round to his house. This can be twisted and used against you and could end badly. Stay well away from him. Do not reply to any of his communications at all from this point onwards. Block him in whatever way you can. Do not contact his girlfriend.

Once you've stuck to those basics, consider applying for a non molestation order. This is a civil order which is totally free of charge. It certainly shouldn't cost you £250 as another poster has suggested, if you live within the UK. You can apply for this yourself, or with the help of a domestic abuse charity such as womens aid, or with solicitors (solicitors will charge for their advice if you are not entitled to legal aid). But you don't need solicitors and you can do this yourself. With the history you've got, it sounds like you have grounds.

The order can stop him contacting you in any way and, if he breaches it, this is a criminal offence. So even by sending you a text, he would be committing an offence. But if you have contacted him/gone to his house/contacted his girlfriend, you undermine your case for getting an order.

Do your own research about non molestation orders and get some proper advice before deciding how to proceed. Beware of well meaning people on the internet, some of the advice on this thread is alarming!

Best of luck. You shouldn't have to live in this fear. His behaviour is psychologically abusive and I hope you are able to get the support you need to stop him.

 

[Suzesnooze]

What did the Police say?

 

[BettyCrockerr]

So you briefly dated this guy for a few months 3 and a half years who? And he’s continually harassing you via email since then?

the guy is a fruit cake.

don’t respond whatsoever to anything he sends you. Don’t acknowledge it in anyway.

don’t contact his girlfriend. Don’t go to
His house.

Obviously you and your partner shouldn’t have to come off socials or whatever but unfortunately at this point I’d seriously be considering it. Or at the very least - set up brand new accounts with non identifiable screen names etc and keep your friends/followers lists to absolutely close family & friends only - if you only knew him a year I’m going to imagine you don’t have mutual friends or people in your life now who would still be linked to him?

you must now get rid of this old email address that you keep going back into - I understand that it may seem like a hassle having to get rid of it and whatever but seriously, if after 3 and a half YEARS of this crap I’d say it’s worth it to just get rid of him. Just do it. That for me would have been the first thing I would have done.

Get the non molestation order, get a new email address and cut any other ties you may have with him - even vague mutual friends or whatever.