Message his new partner or leave it

[Tinkerbell cat]

Hi guys.

I know this might seem like I’m on the wind up but I’m not.

Some of you are aware of my situation as I’ve mentioned it a few times, an ex partner emailing me now and again, forwarding on old emails and just using “.” Or “” as the header. Once two weeks ago then again last Tuesday and again on Friday.

He either does it for a response, a reaction or to try and just get into my head - who knows. I’ve got him blocked everywhere, email is a bit trickier though as he just makes new emails. I responded on Saturday to him and told him I’d contact his girlfriend and ask her to ask him to stop if he didn’t, I’ve received no response from him and I’d like to think that’s it but I know what he’s like and he always comes back in some way, shape or form and has done for the past 3 years.

Part of me has been on egg shells since, fed up that yet again he’s getting into my head. I just feel so angry that he gets on like this.I’ve never hated someone so much. Why does he do it.

I sat earlier and composed a message to his new girlfriend but haven’t sent it as don’t particularly want the drama or any kind of backlash. I was also going to send proof of these emails and my message basically asking him to stop sending me full stops. I know it’s easier to just ignore and not give him any kind of reaction but then part of me thinks he will just continue as he is doing and in a week il get another email.

I feel for his girlfriend too, who’s likely seeing the nice side of him like I did at the start but behind her backs he’s being an oddball still sending his ex cryptic messages. I genuinely don’t want to hurt the girl or cause any drama but I feel like if she were to say something he would realise he can’t get on like that and stop. I just want an easy life and to get on with my life.

Sorry, I know this is probably laughable, and many would and should laugh it off but as I’ve said on previous threads, there’s been nearly 3 years of all sorts of mental abuse from him. If it wasn’t for all of that I would just laugh this off. it’s like he’s always there.

I’ve been honest with my partner who’s gotten tit from my ex in the past too. He’s said I need to get the police/solicitor involved again but I feel like that’s a waste of more of my life spent on him while he just does what he wants plus I’d feel like a dick when it’s just a handful of full stops, Jesus saying it like that makes me feel so ridiculous.

advice please.Should I just leave it and if it happens again say something?

 

[Scorpihoe]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this But I think tell her. Firstly she should know her boyfriend is still contacting and harassing his ex! (If it was my boyfriend I’d want to know). Maybe the embarrassment will cause him to stop

If that doesn’t work, definitely get police involved. Even if it just just full stops, laughing emojis etc, he’s still contacting you after you told him to stop, so he’s harassing you.

be careful though, the girl could spin it round on you and make out you’re the problem, good luck

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this But I think tell her. Firstly she should know her boyfriend is still contacting and harassing his ex! (If it was my boyfriend I’d want to know). Maybe the embarrassment will cause him to stop

If that doesn’t work, definitely get police involved. Even if it just just full stops, laughing emojis etc, he’s still contacting you after you told him to stop, so he’s harassing you.

be careful though, the girl could spin it round on you and make out you’re the problem, good luck

I know, this is my worry as I know how manipulative my ex can be so if she tells him I’ve contacted her, he will spin it a certain way or she will and I don’t want him contacting me getting nasty again like he used to.

I composed a message earlier which I’ve went over about 50 times and I’ve made it as nice as I possibly can. I can never just get to the point either, I ramble and ramble.

I’ve been in two minds since getting the last message from him. I just know how bad he can be and I haven’t the strength for him. I can handle the full stops, emojis etc... it’s when he actually says stuff that affects me as it’s all pretty horrible stuff, thankfully there’s been none of that this past month or so.

I used to be so ballsy and stick up for myself, now I just want a quiet life.
Thank you for your advice

 

[judgejohndeed]

Now you’ve issued the warning I wouldn’t say anything. If he does it again, then I would.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

Now you’ve issued the warning I wouldn’t say anything. If he does it again, then I would.

The thing is I’ve gave warnings and threats in the past that he knows have been empty, such as going to court if he didn’t stop etc... nothing fazes him but I think you’re right, as he hasn’t responded since I warned him I’d message her. Gut feeling tells me he hasn’t stopped so maybe just wait and see before opening a whole other can of worms.

 

[judgejohndeed]

The thing is I’ve gave warnings and threats in the past that he knows have been empty, such as going to court if he didn’t stop etc... nothing fazes him but I think you’re right, as he hasn’t responded since I wanted him so perhaps he has stopped. Gut feeling tells me he hasn’t but maybe just wait and see before opening a whole other can of worms.

I imagine he will contact you again tbh but I agree with Scorpihoe that doing this can unleash hell onto you, I did this once with an ex who kept finding ways to send me dick pictures and when I told his girlfriend and sent it all she went OFF at me saying it was my fault and I must’ve somehow invited it I had to send her screens and screens of me blocking him on various platforms etc for her to believe that I hadn’t encouraged or instigated this behaviour at all. So if you have to message her and she’s seen you’ve already given him the warning but he ignored it, I think for your sake it would go down a bit better now? And proves even more to her what a dick he is because he’s been warned and did it again anyway

 

[Scorpihoe]

Is there anyway you can block emails from unknown senders? I don’t know if that’s a thing or if this is a long shot, but maybe even contacting Microsoft (or gmail etc) and asking them to send unknown senders to your spam?

however he sounds emotionally abusive and I fear that if you don’t acknowledge the emails/show they bother you he may become more nasty

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I imagine he will contact you again tbh but I agree with Scorpihoe that doing this can unleash hell onto you, I did this once with an ex who kept finding ways to send me dick pictures and when I told his girlfriend and sent it all she went OFF at me saying it was my fault and I must’ve somehow invited it I had to send her screens and screens of me blocking him on various platforms etc for her to believe that I hadn’t encouraged or instigated this behaviour at all. So if you have to message her and she’s seen you’ve already given him the warning but he ignored it, I think for your sake it would go down a bit better now? And proves even more to her what a dick he is because he’s been warned and did it again anyway

Completely see where you’re coming from, makes sense. At least that would save me from a bit less backlash as he can’t very well comeback from that then, il have the proof. He will no doubt message again when he is drinking or when he stalks my boyfriends Twitter and sees we are out for a meal or something

I know deep down if I were to message her, my idea of a quiet life would be non existent as he would likely just Contact me out of anger. That annoys me too, he would then blame me yet he is the one contacting me, he just thinks he can do what he wants with no consequences. But here’s hoping

I’m sorry you went through that, it’s so frustrating, especially when woman are so quick to just assume you’re a scorned ex or something. although I do get in some cases it can be like that. Sometimes we don’t want to think those we care for can actually be dickheads. Thank goodness we can screenshot etc for proof!

Is there anyway you can block emails from unknown senders? I don’t know if that’s a thing or if this is a long shot, but maybe even contacting Microsoft (or gmail etc) and asking them to send unknown senders to your spam?

however he sounds emotionally abusive and I fear that if you don’t acknowledge the emails/show they bother you he may become more nasty

I’m really not very clued up with Microsoft but il have a look tomorrow, I would just worry about missing an important one about something from someone else.

I do hope he just gets bored, it’s been 3 years and the emails are a lot more scarce but still happening. I worry when/if he splits with this girl will they get worse again. Selfishly, I Think that’s why I haven’t messaged her yet and came on here to vent, as I know if I do I’m setting myself up for more crap from him. It’s a tit situation to be in.

 

[Warpaint]

They've really tightened the stalking laws after a few horrific cases. Definitely worth a read and something to consider - https://www.gov.uk/report-stalker

3 years is too long to have to deal with him getting at you.

 

[judgejohndeed]

That annoys me too, he would then blame me yet he is the one contacting me, he just thinks he can do what he wants with no consequences.

Have you been to the police before? There are definitely consequences. I’ve had police tell exes to leave me alone on two different occasions, in my experience they do take it seriously and will either ring them or go round etc. You don’t have to tolerate this, you can seek an injunction also!

 

[Thelife&times]

As extremely annoying as this may be (and I really feel that you shouldn’t have to do it) but could you open a new email account? It sounds like you have had your current one many years, so this may be a huge inconvenience. I think if it’s the only live connection he can make with you, you’ll always be waiting for the next email off him. People can be anonymous on email-it’s hard for the police to get involved, especially if what’s being sent within the email isn’t malicious wording, so this could potentially keep happening for years to come. He sounds like an extremely manipulative person. His new partner should know what he’s like...

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

They've really tightened the stalking laws after a few horrific cases. Definitely worth a read and something to consider - https://www.gov.uk/report-stalker

3 years is too long to have to deal with him getting at you.

Have you been to the police before? There are definitely consequences. I’ve had police tell exes to leave me alone on two different occasions, in my experience they do take it seriously and will either ring them or go round etc. You don’t have to tolerate this, you can seek an injunction also!

I’ve contacted the police quite a few times, more so at the start. When it all started I was getting a crazy amount of messages and threats from him, he would get people to ring me and threaten me. One night was quite bad, The police came out and took a recording of the voicemail I woke up to, where I was told I’d be put in a coffin by one of his friends. Then he would threaten my partner etc through messages. We made statements with the police and they went and told on him numerous occasions not to contact me.

he would use emotional blackmail and say he would do something to himself so I got the police to check on him but as soon as they left from checking up on him, he would just message again. Police basically told me to just take myself off social media and change numbers which I did for a while but we had mutual friends so he ended up getting my number again. I eventually cut majority of our mutual friends off because I didn’t know which ones I could trust.

I have albums on my phone with hundreds of screenshots of the messages from various forms of new social media accounts he created to contact me. Though the contact now is very minimum, it still happens and I’m certain he’s watching my twittter. I don’t post anything personal on it but my partner posted a picture of his pint on Friday to his mate on there and shortly after came the email “” with that in the heading... common practice for him to send something hes annoyed/jealous/angry/thinks I’m out with my partner doing stuff etc...

I think my option now is get one of those injunctions out. I think I’ve just buried my head in the sand with it all and haven’t wanted to go over it again with a solicitor or spend my own hard earned cash on getting someone to leave me be but I think that’s the only option really.

Fingers crossed the message I sent telling him I’d ask his girlfriend to ask him to stop will be the end of it but I don’t hold out much hope.

He’s smart, he stops for a while and let’s things die down then starts again and I think that’s why I never carried through with the police etc as it always died down or stopped briefly so stupidity on my part and my own fault really. Everyone said he would get bored. I feel like he is but will always crop back up again.

The police actually told me once because he hadn’t physically harmed me, there wasn’t a lot they could do.

 

[judgejohndeed]

@Tinkerbell cat I’m so sorry you’re going through all that. I had the same with an ex watching my social media etc, it was so stressful. Fortunately for me he stopped when the police went round, your ex must be deranged. I’m surprised they didn’t say they could do more because they told me if he contacted me again they would start prosecuting for harassment! Please do look into getting an injunction, this is horrifying.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

As extremely annoying as this may be (and I really feel that you shouldn’t have to do it) but could you open a new email account? It sounds like you have had your current one many years, so this may be a huge inconvenience. I think if it’s the only live connection he can make with you, you’ll always be waiting for the next email off him. People can be anonymous on email-it’s hard for the police to get involved, especially if what’s being sent within the email isn’t malicious wording, so this could potentially keep happening for years to come. He sounds like an extremely manipulative person. His new partner should know what he’s like...

I actually have a few emails so I can change and use a different one, I’ve always just went back to my original when didn’t see an email come through for a while. Well this is it, I live in hope his partner sees his true colours one day which I’m sure she will. He will be playing the nice guy to her though, the one I saw at the start but if I could go back to the day I met him I’d walk straight past him. Nuts. X

 

[Penguinandthepinecone]

Could you get your new partner to email his girlfriend? So basically attach your email with an intro from your man saying that he supports you sending this email as you are both sick of this intruding on your relationship. I think if you two act as a solid team it would be harder for your ex/his girlfriend to spin it as you are encouraging it.
However! What if she dumps him and he turns all of his negative attention and blame to you. He already sounds very manipulative and the less his has to lose, the the more dangerous he will be to you. I personally think you will regret it, as it will create drama. Google ‘grey rock’ method (although I don’t think you have any contact with him, it still might explain why it’s best to give him zero reactions to anything he does.) If you email his girlfriend you are reacting and he will feed off the drama.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

@Tinkerbell cat I’m so sorry you’re going through all that. I had the same with an ex watching my social media etc, it was so stressful. Fortunately for me he stopped when the police went round, your ex must be deranged. I’m surprised they didn’t say they could do more because they told me if he contacted me again they would start prosecuting for harassment! Please do look into getting an injunction, this is horrifying.

I’m in NI so it could just be that it’s slightly different here however that was around 2 years ago so I will look into it again because it might be a bit easier now that it’s been so long, they might realise they need to do more as he hasn’t went away. I feel they think, like I did, and many others - he would get bored and quit. Il give them a call tomorrow and let you know how I get on. I’m in a good frame of mind now too, can think clearly about it all more than I ever could.

I locked all my social media down, restricted those I couldn’t fully trust but was still friends with from seeing anything etc, though I did a Colleen Rooney and figured out who one of them was and worked out my ex was asking him could he see my Facebook. I cut that person off totally. He would then make random fake profiles etc. Just weird. I’m so sorry you went through that too, I’m glad you aren’t anymore though! You wonder what is wrong with people.

Could you get your new partner to email his girlfriend? So basically attach your email with an intro from your man saying that he supports you sending this email as you are both sick of this intruding on your relationship. I think if you two act as a solid team it would be harder for your ex/his girlfriend to spin it as you are encouraging it.
However! What if she dumps him and he turns all of his negative attention and blame to you. He already sounds very manipulative and the less his has to lose, the the more dangerous he will be to you. I personally think you will regret it, as it will create drama. Google ‘grey rock’ method (although I don’t think you have any contact with him, it still might explain why it’s best to give him zero reactions to anything he does.) If you email his girlfriend you are reacting and he will feed off the drama.

I thought about that and I know my partner would but it would make things 100x worse as if my ex found out he would lose it for sure, and I don’t want to get him back to a stage where he was messaging me or my partner nasty, horrible things.

I really think you’re right and that’s probably the main reason I came on here instead of jumping in and contacting her, think I know deep down that would just add fuel to the fire and give him a reaction he might want, creating drama and the opposite of what I want which is a quiet life.

 

[Scorpihoe]

I know this is quite confrontational, but how about going round to his house? (With your partner) and confronting them both face to face? Even with the police there. You can show evidence, show he is harassing you and his girlfriend can’t spin anything when she sees evidence as well as your partner and the police there?

 

[judgejohndeed]

I’m in NI so it could just be that it’s slightly different here however that was around 2 years ago so I will look into it again because it might be a bit easier now that it’s been so long, they might realise they need to do more as he hasn’t went away. I feel they think, like I did, and many others - he would get bored and quit. Il give them a call tomorrow and let you know how I get on. I’m in a good frame of mind now too, can think clearly about it all more than I ever could.

I locked all my social media down, restricted those I couldn’t fully trust but was still friends with from seeing anything etc, though I did a Colleen Rooney and figured out who one of them was and worked out my ex was asking him could he see my Facebook. I cut that person off totally. He would then make random fake profiles etc. Just weird. I’m so sorry you went through that too, I’m glad you aren’t anymore though! You wonder what is wrong with people.

Yeah they always say if you don’t give them attention they will stop but I find that bizarre as it’s definitely not always true!

Spoiler: Spoiler of my experience to avoid derailing

In my case, I really did ignore him completely for ages - so he made loads of accounts and followed me, my friends, my family etc and started posting pictures of himself on the road where my family home was. It was obviously meant to intimidate and it was really scary. He also logged into my email account etc and posted clips of emails I got, and logged into my social media deleting any posts that referred to my new partner (this was months after we split so I had no idea he even knew my passwords). He kept getting worse like this until the police went round but I was also looking into an injunction until this point.

I really feel for you because I know you’re saying the full stop email etc isn’t a big deal but having dealt with years of this it will feel huge to you now and it’s very passive aggressive. He won’t let you forget about him kind of thing. I also really agree with the person above saying if you do tell his girlfriend he might get a lot worse so do be careful. Really hope you get sorted, it’s unfathomable that people can be this awful

 

[Scorpihoe]

Yeah they always say if you don’t give them attention they will stop but I find that bizarre as it’s definitely not always true!

Spoiler: Spoiler of my experience to avoid derailing

In my case, I really did ignore him completely for ages - so he made loads of accounts and followed me, my friends, my family etc and started posting pictures of himself on the road where my family home was. It was obviously meant to intimidate and it was really scary. He also logged into my email account etc and posted clips of emails I got, and logged into my social media deleting any posts that referred to my new partner (this was months after we split so I had no idea he even knew my passwords). He kept getting worse like this until the police went round but I was also looking into an injunction until this point.

I really feel for you because I know you’re saying the full stop email etc isn’t a big deal but having dealt with years of this it will feel huge to you now and it’s very passive aggressive. He won’t let you forget about him kind of thing. I also really agree with the person above saying if you do tell his girlfriend he might get a lot worse so do be careful. Really hope you get sorted, it’s unfathomable that people can be this awful

Im so sorry to hear about what you went through, that’s so awful Glad to hear it’s stopped now

I hope you manage to get it sorted OP, please keep us updated x

 

[Chip1984]

Sorry to read what is happening to you OP. I'd recommend contacting Women's Aid to see if they can offer advice on what to do.