Message his new partner or leave it

[Magee]

YOU do not need to change your email, update your socials, live your life on egg shells because he oversteps boundaries and is clearly emotionally taunting you. I wouldn’t even waste your time with his partner, she will only raise it with him and he will know that he is affecting you. Get an injunction, and if he oversteps again, take him to court. Injunction is £250 plus VAT usually (I work in this field) x

 

[Scorpihoe]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this But I think tell her. Firstly she should know her boyfriend is still contacting and harassing his ex! (If it was my boyfriend I’d want to know). Maybe the embarrassment will cause him to stop

If that doesn’t work, definitely get police involved. Even if it just just full stops, laughing emojis etc, he’s still contacting you after you told him to stop, so he’s harassing you.

be careful though, the girl could spin it round on you and make out you’re the problem, good luck

 

[Dipstick]

Call the police each time it happens. A harassment order costs about £3000-£4000 but if there's enough evidence then the crown can arrange it for you without a fee. Build up a case. He's obsessed.

I wouldn't contact his girlfriend. It will no doubt make it worse, could be another channel for him to use to speak to you. If she left him he would have more time on his hands and more ammunition to goad you. I think the latter would apply even if they stay together. Never respond to him. You've already made it clear that he's not to contact you, he can't use the excuse that he didn't know. All the times you've ignored him become worthless any time you respond.

I sincerely, sincerely hope he leaves you alone.

I just want to clarify that a Non Molestation Order is totally free of charge. There are no fees or hidden costs if you represent yourself. I hate reading mis-information quoting costs of hundreds or thousands of pounds. This sort of mis-information can cause victims of abuse to feel trapped in relationships and make them feel unable to get help and protection, as they think they cannot afford it. It is dangerous and misleading.

A Non Molestation Order is free and is the order that the original poster would need. Protection from Harassment Orders may cost in the region that you are quoting, but that is not the correct order in these circumstances and is not applicable. If you are seeking an Order against someone you are related to, in a relationship with, or previously in a relationship with, then the Non Molestation Order is the correct order. Sorry for being pedantic, but this is a really important message and people shouldn't feel they can't afford the protection of such an order.

For anyone who might need it, here is the government advice in respect of non molestation orders which clearly shows no fees are payable. I think we are allowed to link these things?? https://www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence

 

[Warpaint]

They've really tightened the stalking laws after a few horrific cases. Definitely worth a read and something to consider - https://www.gov.uk/report-stalker

3 years is too long to have to deal with him getting at you.

 

[Dipstick]

Do not, in any circumstances, go round to his house. This can be twisted and used against you and could end badly. Stay well away from him. Do not reply to any of his communications at all from this point onwards. Block him in whatever way you can. Do not contact his girlfriend.

Once you've stuck to those basics, consider applying for a non molestation order. This is a civil order which is totally free of charge. It certainly shouldn't cost you £250 as another poster has suggested, if you live within the UK. You can apply for this yourself, or with the help of a domestic abuse charity such as womens aid, or with solicitors (solicitors will charge for their advice if you are not entitled to legal aid). But you don't need solicitors and you can do this yourself. With the history you've got, it sounds like you have grounds.

The order can stop him contacting you in any way and, if he breaches it, this is a criminal offence. So even by sending you a text, he would be committing an offence. But if you have contacted him/gone to his house/contacted his girlfriend, you undermine your case for getting an order.

Do your own research about non molestation orders and get some proper advice before deciding how to proceed. Beware of well meaning people on the internet, some of the advice on this thread is alarming!

Best of luck. You shouldn't have to live in this fear. His behaviour is psychologically abusive and I hope you are able to get the support you need to stop him.

 

[judgejohndeed]

Now you’ve issued the warning I wouldn’t say anything. If he does it again, then I would.

 

[The Devils Arse]

I would not contact the gf, and not contact him at all even to say leave you alone. Then he cannot use the excuse of you are corresponding with him.

Please please go to the police. As a pp has said, they have really tightened up now on harassment laws, which this is.

Also, I'm not a techy person, so this may not be an option. But if you want to keep your old email address, I'm not sure if you are able to set a "rule" to forward all of the emails you want to a new email address? Therefore you are still getting the correspondence you need without having to physically go into the email to check and see messages from him

Xx

 

[judgejohndeed]

That annoys me too, he would then blame me yet he is the one contacting me, he just thinks he can do what he wants with no consequences.

Have you been to the police before? There are definitely consequences. I’ve had police tell exes to leave me alone on two different occasions, in my experience they do take it seriously and will either ring them or go round etc. You don’t have to tolerate this, you can seek an injunction also!

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

Hi guys.

I know this might seem like I’m on the wind up but I’m not.

Some of you are aware of my situation as I’ve mentioned it a few times, an ex partner emailing me now and again, forwarding on old emails and just using “.” Or “” as the header. Once two weeks ago then again last Tuesday and again on Friday.

He either does it for a response, a reaction or to try and just get into my head - who knows. I’ve got him blocked everywhere, email is a bit trickier though as he just makes new emails. I responded on Saturday to him and told him I’d contact his girlfriend and ask her to ask him to stop if he didn’t, I’ve received no response from him and I’d like to think that’s it but I know what he’s like and he always comes back in some way, shape or form and has done for the past 3 years.

Part of me has been on egg shells since, fed up that yet again he’s getting into my head. I just feel so angry that he gets on like this.I’ve never hated someone so much. Why does he do it.

I sat earlier and composed a message to his new girlfriend but haven’t sent it as don’t particularly want the drama or any kind of backlash. I was also going to send proof of these emails and my message basically asking him to stop sending me full stops. I know it’s easier to just ignore and not give him any kind of reaction but then part of me thinks he will just continue as he is doing and in a week il get another email.

I feel for his girlfriend too, who’s likely seeing the nice side of him like I did at the start but behind her backs he’s being an oddball still sending his ex cryptic messages. I genuinely don’t want to hurt the girl or cause any drama but I feel like if she were to say something he would realise he can’t get on like that and stop. I just want an easy life and to get on with my life.

Sorry, I know this is probably laughable, and many would and should laugh it off but as I’ve said on previous threads, there’s been nearly 3 years of all sorts of mental abuse from him. If it wasn’t for all of that I would just laugh this off. it’s like he’s always there.

I’ve been honest with my partner who’s gotten shit from my ex in the past too. He’s said I need to get the police/solicitor involved again but I feel like that’s a waste of more of my life spent on him while he just does what he wants plus I’d feel like a dick when it’s just a handful of full stops, Jesus saying it like that makes me feel so ridiculous.

advice please.Should I just leave it and if it happens again say something?

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I know I've told you in the WHYDT thread to tell the girlfriend, but reading a bit more here I'm not as sure. I think the police is the best idea.

I wonder if you can deactivate your email so that if/when he sends you something he gets an undeliverable response?

View attachment 550146

Part of me still wants to say something because part of me is still annoyed and upset that he has just bothered me on and off for the past 3 years with no consequences but then I just want an easy life and can’t be bothered with the drama it could/would bring, and I’ve no way of knowing the outcome until it’s too late so I’ve decided to just hold back, wait and see if he actually plans to leave me be this time after my threat of telling her and hopefully that’s it put to bed. If he does contact me again then it’s a different story.

My boyfriends going to have a look at the whole email thing tonight, but I’m hoping there won’t be anymore. I’ve everything crossed.

spoke with police who were quite helpful, they’re going to come out and have a chat with me on Friday when I’m off work, they’ve said to keep a diary of everything which I have done, I’ve every single thing saved and tomorrow my sister is going to give her solicitor a call and see where I stand.
Xx

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I would not contact the gf, and not contact him at all even to say leave you alone. Then he cannot use the excuse of you are corresponding with him.

Please please go to the police. As a pp has said, they have really tightened up now on harassment laws, which this is.

Also, I'm not a techy person, so this may not be an option. But if you want to keep your old email address, I'm not sure if you are able to set a "rule" to forward all of the emails you want to a new email address? Therefore you are still getting the correspondence you need without having to physically go into the email to check and see messages from him

Xx

The only contact I had was Sat morning when I responded to his email basically telling him I would contact the gf if he didn't stop, there was no response so maybe it worked but doubt it. He will probably give it a wee while to let the dust settle and then start up again. So far so good though.

I am in work until 5pm so going to give the police a call after work.

I am glad I wrote on here last night as I know if I hadn't, I would have likely messaged the GF then had major regret as no doubt he would have started up his shite. I am sure his true colours will soon rear their ugly head with her. Not my problem and as much as if it were my boyfriend and I'd want to know if he was still messaging his ex random shit, I am putting myself first. I know if I do message her, he will only bother me and as much as I would like to make sure he can't think he can get away with doing whatever he wants, its not worth the aggro.

 

[Penguinandthepinecone]

Could you get your new partner to email his girlfriend? So basically attach your email with an intro from your man saying that he supports you sending this email as you are both sick of this intruding on your relationship. I think if you two act as a solid team it would be harder for your ex/his girlfriend to spin it as you are encouraging it.
However! What if she dumps him and he turns all of his negative attention and blame to you. He already sounds very manipulative and the less his has to lose, the the more dangerous he will be to you. I personally think you will regret it, as it will create drama. Google ‘grey rock’ method (although I don’t think you have any contact with him, it still might explain why it’s best to give him zero reactions to anything he does.) If you email his girlfriend you are reacting and he will feed off the drama.

 

[Chip1984]

YOU do not need to change your email, update your socials, live your life on egg shells because he oversteps boundaries and is clearly emotionally taunting you. I wouldn’t even waste your time with his partner, she will only raise it with him and he will know that he is affecting you. Get an injunction, and if he oversteps again, take him to court. Injunction is £250 plus VAT usually (I work in this field) x

Exactly! The only person who needs to change their behaviour is the creepy ex. OP shouldn't have to come off social media because of him!

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

They've really tightened the stalking laws after a few horrific cases. Definitely worth a read and something to consider - https://www.gov.uk/report-stalker

3 years is too long to have to deal with him getting at you.

Have you been to the police before? There are definitely consequences. I’ve had police tell exes to leave me alone on two different occasions, in my experience they do take it seriously and will either ring them or go round etc. You don’t have to tolerate this, you can seek an injunction also!

I’ve contacted the police quite a few times, more so at the start. When it all started I was getting a crazy amount of messages and threats from him, he would get people to ring me and threaten me. One night was quite bad, The police came out and took a recording of the voicemail I woke up to, where I was told I’d be put in a coffin by one of his friends. Then he would threaten my partner etc through messages. We made statements with the police and they went and told on him numerous occasions not to contact me.

he would use emotional blackmail and say he would do something to himself so I got the police to check on him but as soon as they left from checking up on him, he would just message again. Police basically told me to just take myself off social media and change numbers which I did for a while but we had mutual friends so he ended up getting my number again. I eventually cut majority of our mutual friends off because I didn’t know which ones I could trust.

I have albums on my phone with hundreds of screenshots of the messages from various forms of new social media accounts he created to contact me. Though the contact now is very minimum, it still happens and I’m certain he’s watching my twittter. I don’t post anything personal on it but my partner posted a picture of his pint on Friday to his mate on there and shortly after came the email “” with that in the heading... common practice for him to send something hes annoyed/jealous/angry/thinks I’m out with my partner doing stuff etc...

I think my option now is get one of those injunctions out. I think I’ve just buried my head in the sand with it all and haven’t wanted to go over it again with a solicitor or spend my own hard earned cash on getting someone to leave me be but I think that’s the only option really.

Fingers crossed the message I sent telling him I’d ask his girlfriend to ask him to stop will be the end of it but I don’t hold out much hope.

He’s smart, he stops for a while and let’s things die down then starts again and I think that’s why I never carried through with the police etc as it always died down or stopped briefly so stupidity on my part and my own fault really. Everyone said he would get bored. I feel like he is but will always crop back up again.

The police actually told me once because he hadn’t physically harmed me, there wasn’t a lot they could do.

 

[Smellycat18]

I know this might not be anyone else’s idea of good advice but I cannot recommend highly enough a book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I have only read it in the past few weeks, saw it recommended on another Tattle thread after Sarah Everard was murdered. He goes through so many different types of scenarios. To me - from the limited info and, of course, I am not an expert- but your ex sounds like one of the types he describes in that, if your ex sends you e.g. 40 email messages before he hears from you, then he knows the cost of contact with you is 40 email messages and he will continue in that basis. The book is about £10, if that’s not in your budget and there’s a way of doing it while not violating your privacy, I will get a copy to you. Some of the stories are horrific but easy to read, if that doesn’t sound like a sick thing to say?
What you’re going through is a total headfuck and I wish you all the luck in the world

ETA - I just realised that might sound scary!! Sorry!!! If your ex is that type, he won’t harm you, but could go on indefinitely if you don’t go completely no contact. Also - I’m not on commission for the book, nor do I have affiliate links for the book . It was just genuinely such an eye opener. Take care x

 

[Suzesnooze]

Another thing I would do is have your boyfriend 'protect his tweets' which sets his Twitter to private as then the ex can't see what he's posting or what restaurant you're in etc.

 

[Chip1984]

Sorry to read what is happening to you OP. I'd recommend contacting Women's Aid to see if they can offer advice on what to do.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I know this might not be anyone else’s idea of good advice but I cannot recommend highly enough a book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I have only read it in the past few weeks, saw it recommended on another Tattle thread after Sarah Everard was murdered. He goes through so many different types of scenarios. To me - from the limited info and, of course, I am not an expert- but your ex sounds like one of the types he describes in that, if your ex sends you e.g. 40 email messages before he hears from you, then he knows the cost of contact with you is 40 email messages and he will continue in that basis. The book is about £10, if that’s not in your budget and there’s a way of doing it while not violating your privacy, I will get a copy to you. Some of the stories are horrific but easy to read, if that doesn’t sound like a sick thing to say?
What you’re going through is a total headfuck and I wish you all the luck in the world

ETA - I just realised that might sound scary!! Sorry!!! If your ex is that type, he won’t harm you, but could go on indefinitely if you don’t go completely no contact. Also - I’m not on commission for the book, nor do I have affiliate links for the book . It was just genuinely such an eye opener. Take care x

Thank you, il have a look for this book now on Amazon

I don’t think my ex would ever harm me, he is more bark than bite but it’s been going on for 3+ Yrs.

so a bit of background, we broke up about 3.5yrs ago after knowing each other a year and dating for a few months.
he wanted to see me on his terms, but he would then moan about it because he would prefer to be with his friends drinking. He was negative all the time, complaining all the time, it was always about him. Everything was a problem.

I didn’t text him back once so he deleted me from Facebook. He would then add me again. He would leave group chats, he would block and unblock. Childish and huge red flags, such an idiot I was.

Everyone told me what he was like but I didn’t listen. When we broke up I was still there for him, his emotional punchbag, running after him. He told me “I’m single I can do what I want so move on”, think that’s when i realised he was just using me so moving on is what I did. I put major space between us. Got myself into a good place mentally. No contact.

Months later I met my now boyfriend, my ex saw I was happy and back he comes ready to try again. He bombarded me for months, hundreds of messages a day, contacting my friends, family, my boyfriend, his family. getting his friends to ring and abuse my boyfriend and I. We changed numbers, locked all socials down but fake profiles would just appear. Then he would threaten suicide knowing I wouldn’t ignore that, telling me he would end his life if I didn’t speak to him or go back to him. It was every week so I had to get the police involved who would go round to check on him. He was told time and time again by so many people to leave me alone and to get help but he would lay low for a while then come back on the scene again.

so many other things like the constant name calling about my weight, appearance, family, telling me to stop eating and go running, how I’d huge thighs, I was a laughing stock and everyone hated me etc. things I’d told him in confidence he shared with everyone. He always dropped hints that he knew my new address. He literally manipulated so many people into thinking he was a good person whilst behind closed doors he was destroying my mental health all because I tried to get on with my life Just such a narcissist.

this past few months since he has got with his new gf he has cut the contact down massively apart from these random cryptic emails the past two weeks and I don’t really know why

I feel like it’s my fault as I’ve allowed it but I’ve ignored him 9 times out of 10, If I have responded it was always to beg him to leave me alone but it fell on deaf ears. I feel now the police and a court order is the option even though I have known that deep down, think I’ve avoided it because it was easier to bury my head in the sand and just ignore a message or email because I didn’t want to have to go through it all with police. But now I’ve spoke to them and hopefully we can get it sorted.

YOU do not need to change your email, update your socials, live your life on egg shells because he oversteps boundaries and is clearly emotionally taunting you. I wouldn’t even waste your time with his partner, she will only raise it with him and he will know that he is affecting you. Get an injunction, and if he oversteps again, take him to court. Injunction is £250 plus VAT usually (I work in this field) x

Thank you, this is what I’m going to do. I know contacting his girlfriend will not help and he will actually probably get a kick from it. Il etc you all know how I get on Friday x

Exactly! The only person who needs to change their behaviour is the creepy ex. OP shouldn't have to come off social media because of him!

I did for a long time at the start but when I went back on it would start again, it was pointless so I gave up and just got on with my life as best as I could with all my socials locked down.x

 

[ClockworkDolly]

Hi guys.

I know this might seem like I’m on the wind up but I’m not.

Some of you are aware of my situation as I’ve mentioned it a few times, an ex partner emailing me now and again, forwarding on old emails and just using “.” Or “” as the header. Once two weeks ago then again last Tuesday and again on Friday.

He either does it for a response, a reaction or to try and just get into my head - who knows. I’ve got him blocked everywhere, email is a bit trickier though as he just makes new emails. I responded on Saturday to him and told him I’d contact his girlfriend and ask her to ask him to stop if he didn’t, I’ve received no response from him and I’d like to think that’s it but I know what he’s like and he always comes back in some way, shape or form and has done for the past 3 years.

Part of me has been on egg shells since, fed up that yet again he’s getting into my head. I just feel so angry that he gets on like this.I’ve never hated someone so much. Why does he do it.

I sat earlier and composed a message to his new girlfriend but haven’t sent it as don’t particularly want the drama or any kind of backlash. I was also going to send proof of these emails and my message basically asking him to stop sending me full stops. I know it’s easier to just ignore and not give him any kind of reaction but then part of me thinks he will just continue as he is doing and in a week il get another email.

I feel for his girlfriend too, who’s likely seeing the nice side of him like I did at the start but behind her backs he’s being an oddball still sending his ex cryptic messages. I genuinely don’t want to hurt the girl or cause any drama but I feel like if she were to say something he would realise he can’t get on like that and stop. I just want an easy life and to get on with my life.

Sorry, I know this is probably laughable, and many would and should laugh it off but as I’ve said on previous threads, there’s been nearly 3 years of all sorts of mental abuse from him. If it wasn’t for all of that I would just laugh this off. it’s like he’s always there.

I’ve been honest with my partner who’s gotten shit from my ex in the past too. He’s said I need to get the police/solicitor involved again but I feel like that’s a waste of more of my life spent on him while he just does what he wants plus I’d feel like a dick when it’s just a handful of full stops, Jesus saying it like that makes me feel so ridiculous.

advice please.Should I just leave it and if it happens again say something?

Having been where you are and the intense hatred I have for my ex, I would say that it would be best to leave emailing her. You will only be stirring up a hornets nest and it will give him the upper hand of knowing that you are affected by his emails. However, I do think that your boyfriend is right and you should get the Police involved again. I know it is tedious and emotionally draining, but if you can do this, without his knowledge, you will feel as though you are back in control again. Otherwise, he continuously gets the upper hand of control.

Your ex does it to intimidate you, more than likely knowing it will affect you psychologically. These people are bullies and cowards and my ex is exactly the same kind of person. (I had to move house to get away from him).

I think you should change your email address. Let him continue to send emails with his punctuation marks to the email address he knows. Rack them all up, print them out and present them to the Police and make sure that they are prepared to take you seriously about this issue, because it is an issue. He is still in your life, nasty little shit that he is.

You can’t let him control your life. This kind of thing wears you down, chips away at your soul.

He has done but my ex has actually made a fake profile and is on there somehow, we both went through all the followers and couldn't work out who it was, you honestly couldn't write it. I think its probably a bit of a hobby now for my ex. I hope one day his gf goes through his phone and see's how obsessed he is. Thankfully my boyfriend doesn't really post on there that often. I have asked my boyfriend not to post about bars/restaurants/plans etc until after we have done them and aren't there anymore, just in case. Its mad.

My ex “follows” me on Twitter. Not an official follower as far as I’m aware, but lurks and watches my tweets. His ex-wife texted me one day and told me that he watches me on there. On occasions I have padlocked my account, but then I thought, “fuck it, why should I have to hide from him.” However, I am very careful about locations and where I have been, etc. Some things are just not worth revealing, especially if you have a nutjob stalker following your every move.

He did the same thing with his ex-wife though, on a slightly less sinister scale, but the intention was always the same. He would get his hair cut in the town she lived in, he would follow her Instagram and show up in places which she had visited, hoping that her and her husband and daughter “just happened to bump into him” type of scenario. He is a stalker, a watcher of women. He used to be a car salesman and kept old phone numbers of his female customers, which I used to find really odd.

He would often say to me that he was going to ask my friends and family members about me, so that he could use it against me at a later date. He said the same thing about my ex-boyfriends, would often ask their surnames and where they lived. I soon cottoned onto his motives and would give him a red herring to throw him off course!

People do think it is all harmless, but that kind of behaviour never is harmless. It is sinister and can really affect you even years later.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

@Tinkerbell cat I’m so sorry you’re going through all that. I had the same with an ex watching my social media etc, it was so stressful. Fortunately for me he stopped when the police went round, your ex must be deranged. I’m surprised they didn’t say they could do more because they told me if he contacted me again they would start prosecuting for harassment! Please do look into getting an injunction, this is horrifying.

I’m in NI so it could just be that it’s slightly different here however that was around 2 years ago so I will look into it again because it might be a bit easier now that it’s been so long, they might realise they need to do more as he hasn’t went away. I feel they think, like I did, and many others - he would get bored and quit. Il give them a call tomorrow and let you know how I get on. I’m in a good frame of mind now too, can think clearly about it all more than I ever could.

I locked all my social media down, restricted those I couldn’t fully trust but was still friends with from seeing anything etc, though I did a Colleen Rooney and figured out who one of them was and worked out my ex was asking him could he see my Facebook. I cut that person off totally. He would then make random fake profiles etc. Just weird. I’m so sorry you went through that too, I’m glad you aren’t anymore though! You wonder what is wrong with people.

Could you get your new partner to email his girlfriend? So basically attach your email with an intro from your man saying that he supports you sending this email as you are both sick of this intruding on your relationship. I think if you two act as a solid team it would be harder for your ex/his girlfriend to spin it as you are encouraging it.
However! What if she dumps him and he turns all of his negative attention and blame to you. He already sounds very manipulative and the less his has to lose, the the more dangerous he will be to you. I personally think you will regret it, as it will create drama. Google ‘grey rock’ method (although I don’t think you have any contact with him, it still might explain why it’s best to give him zero reactions to anything he does.) If you email his girlfriend you are reacting and he will feed off the drama.

I thought about that and I know my partner would but it would make things 100x worse as if my ex found out he would lose it for sure, and I don’t want to get him back to a stage where he was messaging me or my partner nasty, horrible things.

I really think you’re right and that’s probably the main reason I came on here instead of jumping in and contacting her, think I know deep down that would just add fuel to the fire and give him a reaction he might want, creating drama and the opposite of what I want which is a quiet life.