Marriage issues

[PineappleQueen19]

His issues can’t be fixed by you. And he knew he had those issues and instead of getting help or working on them he decided to fire up Tinder? The man is his own bin fire, sorry.

Something I learnt recently: there’s you, there’s them, there’s the relationship. Three entities, like a Venn diagram. You can work on the relationship/marriage but problems coming in from the individuals need to be worked on individually too or you’ll never cut out the rot.

A huge step in boundaries is recognising the difference between a you problem, a me problem and an us problem. Treating a you problem solely as an us problem turns it into a Sisyphean task.

 

[Twinks10]

No he didn’t reply to my email, I tried to explain to him that the way he speaks to this woman is different from the other woman he speaks with on the phone/ video call.
I’m getting confusing feelings from myself, one minute I feel he’s going to say it’s over and then some time later I feel it will work out.
That’s a good idea I’ll email him again about a date to talk, do you think I’m doing the right thing staying out the house longer than I should and only engaging in conversation when needed to??

It’s a bit off he didn’t reply and also didn’t then talk to you about it...
I don’t know if staying out of the house is the right thing or not, it’s really up to you if you feel it is or not. You could say you’re giving him the space he’s asked for but it also delays a potentially difficult conversation which I think you just need to have.
Take charge of the situation, email him with a date and time and say that it’s an adult conversation between you, you don’t want to argue and you want to resolve this issue and stop feeling the way you do.
Im sorry to say this but if there was nothing to it then he’d be reassuring you, not avoiding the conversation and fobbing you off. I’m not saying anything has happened necessarily but maybe he likes talking to this woman and maybe she makes him feel good.
You said that you think he’s going to end it which suggests there’s maybe other issues and not just this one or that you’re going through a bit of a rocky patch and this has just compounded things.
Either way, you need answers and either reassurance or an admission of some kind to move on. Good luck and sending love

 

[Reflected view]

It’s a bit off he didn’t reply and also didn’t then talk to you about it...
I don’t know if staying out of the house is the right thing or not, it’s really up to you if you feel it is or not. You could say you’re giving him the space he’s asked for but it also delays a potentially difficult conversation which I think you just need to have.
Take charge of the situation, email him with a date and time and say that it’s an adult conversation between you, you don’t want to argue and you want to resolve this issue and stop feeling the way you do.
Im sorry to say this but if there was nothing to it then he’d be reassuring you, not avoiding the conversation and fobbing you off. I’m not saying anything has happened necessarily but maybe he likes talking to this woman and maybe she makes him feel good.
You said that you think he’s going to end it which suggests there’s maybe other issues and not just this one or that you’re going through a bit of a rocky patch and this has just compounded things.
Either way, you need answers and either reassurance or an admission of some kind to move on. Good luck and sending love

Thank you so much.
I’m going to sit down tonight and send him another email see how that goes

 

[Twinks10]

Thank you so much.
I’m going to sit down tonight and send him another email see how that goes

Good luck Hope you get the chance to sort things out. Sending love

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I never thought I'd post something on here asking for advice but I am losing the will

My marriage has been stressful to say the least - married 5 years, with 4 of them going through IVF & multiple miscarriages.
For the last 2 years, things have been awful. I felt really unappreciated, no affection from him (I'm really tactile), we basically become like room mates. We enjoyed spending time together but it was different. 4 months into feeling like that, I sat him down and said I was unhappy with how things are etc. Then 3 weeks later we went into lockdown 1. Things did get better, but I don't know if that's because we couldn't go anywhere.
Fast forward a year, another miscarriage & he tells me he is feeling really insecure & paranoid. I have lost a lot of weight which has meant I've had more attention from males, which he has struggled with. The last 5 months I have been plagued with accusations of affairs, questioned on my whereabouts constantly, called hideous names, threatened with divorce, to the point I left almost 4 weeks ago.
Since then, he says he has reflected and knows I haven't done any of those things and says he is struggling with his mental health. He blames himself for our fertility issues as every test I've had has come back normal. He's now on medication & attending counselling. However, over the weekend I was sent screenshots of his tinder profile. I'm living with family and have been looking into getting my own place. I found somewhere over the weekend, and last night he begged me not to take it and to work on this.
I know no one can tell me what to do, but I am struggling.
I don't want to throw away the last 9 years but I honestly can't see myself moving home any time soon. It has become a place of anxiety because we couldn't get through 48 hours without huge blow outs.

I might be in the minority but I don’t necessarily believe your marriage is a lost cause.

Obvs a lot depends on whether you still love him and/or want to make the relationship work.

Fertility issues have been the demise of many a relationship so maybe put that on the back burner to see if you can salvage the relationship.
Would you consider adoption? I know it’s not right for everybody but it will also take the pressure of you both.
MH issues can also really affect a relationship.

On the other hand if things have run it’s course try and split as amicable as you can

Life can be difficult and whether you make the “right” or “wrong” choice I am a big believer that life works out the way it’s supposed to. Live can be difficult but that just makes the good times so much sweeter.
Goodluck for whatever you decide and keep us in the loop!

 

[Reflected view]

Good luck Hope you get the chance to sort things out. Sending love

Thank you

 

[PoppyKJ]

I might be in the minority but I don’t necessarily believe your marriage is a lost cause.

Obvs a lot depends on whether you still love him and/or want to make the relationship work.

Fertility issues have been the demise of many a relationship so maybe put that on the back burner to see if you can salvage the relationship.
Would you consider adoption? I know it’s not right for everybody but it will also take the pressure of you both.
MH issues can also really affect a relationship.

On the other hand if things have run it’s course try and split as amicable as you can

Life can be difficult and whether you make the “right” or “wrong” choice I am a big believer that life works out the way it’s supposed to. Live can be difficult but that just makes the good times so much sweeter.
Goodluck for whatever you decide and keep us in the loop!

Hey - thank you!

Update - I have moved out but we are working on things. Kind of a trial separation. We are both in therapy & have our first session together this weekend. We've been 'dating' and have taken our relationship back a bit. We have established we do still love each other, there's just been a lot going on that we haven't communicated over.
I don't think I have ever dealt with the grief from each loss so my therapy is focused on healing from that trauma, while he is dealing with his insecurities. Things are going well up to now so fingers crossed!