Marriage issues

[Twinks10]

I never thought I'd post something on here asking for advice but I am losing the will

My marriage has been stressful to say the least - married 5 years, with 4 of them going through IVF & multiple miscarriages.
For the last 2 years, things have been awful. I felt really unappreciated, no affection from him (I'm really tactile), we basically become like room mates. We enjoyed spending time together but it was different. 4 months into feeling like that, I sat him down and said I was unhappy with how things are etc. Then 3 weeks later we went into lockdown 1. Things did get better, but I don't know if that's because we couldn't go anywhere.
Fast forward a year, another miscarriage & he tells me he is feeling really insecure & paranoid. I have lost a lot of weight which has meant I've had more attention from males, which he has struggled with. The last 5 months I have been plagued with accusations of affairs, questioned on my whereabouts constantly, called hideous names, threatened with divorce, to the point I left almost 4 weeks ago.
Since then, he says he has reflected and knows I haven't done any of those things and says he is struggling with his mental health. He blames himself for our fertility issues as every test I've had has come back normal. He's now on medication & attending counselling. However, over the weekend I was sent screenshots of his tinder profile. I'm living with family and have been looking into getting my own place. I found somewhere over the weekend, and last night he begged me not to take it and to work on this.
I know no one can tell me what to do, but I am struggling.
I don't want to throw away the last 9 years but I honestly can't see myself moving home any time soon. It has become a place of anxiety because we couldn't get through 48 hours without huge blow outs.

Fertility issues and miscarriages will take their toll on any relationship, it’s incredibly tough but ultimately you want that to bring you together.
If you’re having huge blow outs now to the point that you’ve moved out, that is not the relationship to bring a child into. My husband and I have an amazing relationship, always have done, have had absolutely no major issues that have threatened our relationship but the first year after having our baby was SO hard. We argued constantly, barely spoke to each other, never mind any other affection - we basically existed during that time and I thought it was going to be the end of us but we got through it. But it was a really rocky patch and it’s quite common after having a baby so you need to go into that 100% solid because it can affect even the strongest couples.
Also why has he got a tinder profile?? That is a huge red flag to me, yes you might be living separately at the moment but you’re still married as from what I can gather, still together? WTF? That would be enough for me to end it.
I think you know what you need to do -take the flat/house you’ve seen and seek legal advice.
You’re not throwing away 9yrs, you will have learnt loads during that time and for your next relationship you’ll know what you do and don’t want out of it and what you will and won’t accept.
Good luck and sending love

 

[kiyu]

Sounds such a difficult situation for you to be going through

Obviously I can only see the situation from what I read but ... Lots of red flags for me.

"The last 5 months I have been plagued with accusations of affairs, questioned on my whereabouts constantly, called hideous names, threatened with divorce, to the point I left almost 4 weeks ago." ..... I am not saying this is the case but in my experience when I have had relationships that have had these kinds of things happening it has always turned out to be them having the affair or doing something they shouldn't! The tinder profile is also a bit ..... questionable


easy for me to say as I'm not emotionally involved but I wouldn't go back.

 

[Twinks10]

Thank you both.
We’re definitely not in any position to bring a child into the world, to the point I’ve gone back on contraception when I swore I would never be on it again. Our most recent miscarriage would be due in 2 weeks and half of me is glad I’m not going through this with the pressure of a baby coming. As hard as that is to admit.
He did tell me about the tinder profile but as he’s said so many things I didn’t believe it until I had friends sending me it. When confronted with it he told me it was gone & he didn’t even use it. But who knows?

I think you know the answers and what you need to do but talking/writing it out can give some clarity.
You’ve moved out, found somewhere for YOU to live, you’ve gone back on contraception, you don’t trust or believe your husband - it sounds done. I would tell your husband this and start the ball rolling with finances/divorce proceedings x

 

[Niamh97]

I never thought I'd post something on here asking for advice but I am losing the will

My marriage has been stressful to say the least - married 5 years, with 4 of them going through IVF & multiple miscarriages.
For the last 2 years, things have been awful. I felt really unappreciated, no affection from him (I'm really tactile), we basically become like room mates. We enjoyed spending time together but it was different. 4 months into feeling like that, I sat him down and said I was unhappy with how things are etc. Then 3 weeks later we went into lockdown 1. Things did get better, but I don't know if that's because we couldn't go anywhere.
Fast forward a year, another miscarriage & he tells me he is feeling really insecure & paranoid. I have lost a lot of weight which has meant I've had more attention from males, which he has struggled with. The last 5 months I have been plagued with accusations of affairs, questioned on my whereabouts constantly, called hideous names, threatened with divorce, to the point I left almost 4 weeks ago.
Since then, he says he has reflected and knows I haven't done any of those things and says he is struggling with his mental health. He blames himself for our fertility issues as every test I've had has come back normal. He's now on medication & attending counselling. However, over the weekend I was sent screenshots of his tinder profile. I'm living with family and have been looking into getting my own place. I found somewhere over the weekend, and last night he begged me not to take it and to work on this.
I know no one can tell me what to do, but I am struggling.
I don't want to throw away the last 9 years but I honestly can't see myself moving home any time soon. It has become a place of anxiety because we couldn't get through 48 hours without huge blow outs.

I’m not married but absolutely do not go back to him, you need to cut him out of your life. He sounds no good for you. You will meet a better person for you in the future.

It will be very hard at first but you will get through his, many people have been in your position and got through it. Honestly you will feel far better when you are with the right person.

Good luck xx

 

[PoppyKJ]

I never thought I'd post something on here asking for advice but I am losing the will

My marriage has been stressful to say the least - married 5 years, with 4 of them going through IVF & multiple miscarriages.
For the last 2 years, things have been awful. I felt really unappreciated, no affection from him (I'm really tactile), we basically become like room mates. We enjoyed spending time together but it was different. 4 months into feeling like that, I sat him down and said I was unhappy with how things are etc. Then 3 weeks later we went into lockdown 1. Things did get better, but I don't know if that's because we couldn't go anywhere.
Fast forward a year, another miscarriage & he tells me he is feeling really insecure & paranoid. I have lost a lot of weight which has meant I've had more attention from males, which he has struggled with. The last 5 months I have been plagued with accusations of affairs, questioned on my whereabouts constantly, called hideous names, threatened with divorce, to the point I left almost 4 weeks ago.
Since then, he says he has reflected and knows I haven't done any of those things and says he is struggling with his mental health. He blames himself for our fertility issues as every test I've had has come back normal. He's now on medication & attending counselling. However, over the weekend I was sent screenshots of his tinder profile. I'm living with family and have been looking into getting my own place. I found somewhere over the weekend, and last night he begged me not to take it and to work on this.
I know no one can tell me what to do, but I am struggling.
I don't want to throw away the last 9 years but I honestly can't see myself moving home any time soon. It has become a place of anxiety because we couldn't get through 48 hours without huge blow outs.

 

[Mrsbumble]

Thank you so much for your reply,
I did try last night as everything seemed ok, I even sent him an email explaining how I was feeling out of sorts with myself I explained I felt I was loosing everything in my life my son turning 18 going off to uni, also that I felt I was loosing him to as we hardly talk he’s always working to 8,9 o’clock at night then when he’s finished he’s on his phone for several hours talking to people from work. The reason I emailed him was because he’s very good with words and I get lost and confused with him and never able to get my point across, he’s also extremely clever and twist and turns everything round to suit him makes it all about him and doesn’t listen or hear what I’m saying.
Yes I do trust him and when I really think about it I know iv probably made something out of nothing,
I’m 48 years old my husband and son are all iv got I don’t have any friends that I could speak to, I do have my workmates but I don’t want everyone knowing my business,
Thank you

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. Reading through your post I really don’t think you have made something out of nothing. Your husband telling another woman he is looking forward to seeing her on the 29th? What is he actually doing on the 29th? Your comment about him twisting and turning things are also concerning, this is manipulative and true narcissistic behaviour which is why you’re probably thinking you’ve made a mountain out of a mole hill. You also mentioned your husband said he doesn’t know what he wants or what he wants to do, was this regarding your marriage? If it was, I wouldn’t take that lightly, that is him almost saying he’s not sure if he wants a divorce and from experience men only say this when they have been up to no good and want a way out. I would really question those comments. I hope you are ok and good luck if you have a chat with him x

 

[PoppyKJ]

I might be in the minority but I don’t necessarily believe your marriage is a lost cause.

Obvs a lot depends on whether you still love him and/or want to make the relationship work.

Fertility issues have been the demise of many a relationship so maybe put that on the back burner to see if you can salvage the relationship.
Would you consider adoption? I know it’s not right for everybody but it will also take the pressure of you both.
MH issues can also really affect a relationship.

On the other hand if things have run it’s course try and split as amicable as you can

Life can be difficult and whether you make the “right” or “wrong” choice I am a big believer that life works out the way it’s supposed to. Live can be difficult but that just makes the good times so much sweeter.
Goodluck for whatever you decide and keep us in the loop!

Hey - thank you!

Update - I have moved out but we are working on things. Kind of a trial separation. We are both in therapy & have our first session together this weekend. We've been 'dating' and have taken our relationship back a bit. We have established we do still love each other, there's just been a lot going on that we haven't communicated over.
I don't think I have ever dealt with the grief from each loss so my therapy is focused on healing from that trauma, while he is dealing with his insecurities. Things are going well up to now so fingers crossed!

 

[hereforthememe]

I don’t believe he’s ever done anything behind my back & I have said that to him about the things he’s accused me of.
I’m now getting no response from the landlord about the flat but I’m hopeful!
I do think writing it down and hearing from people not involved has helped. Family and friends have far too many opinions because we have always been a strong couple until this.
The thought of living alone & leaving our home and animals leaves me feeling so anxious and wondering if it’s the right thing. I’m so scared of making a mistake but right now I can’t see myself wanting to live with him again

I live alone after living with an ex who was controlling and made me feel I'd be nothing without him

Moving out and living alone was terrifying at first but as soon as I got my furniture in, bed made, had my first shower etc. My nerves vanished and I enjoy it now

Obviously it is a hard transition to suddenly be in charge of a household and yourself all alone, but you get the hang of it

 

[PoppyKJ]

Thank you both.
We’re definitely not in any position to bring a child into the world, to the point I’ve gone back on contraception when I swore I would never be on it again. Our most recent miscarriage would be due in 2 weeks and half of me is glad I’m not going through this with the pressure of a baby coming. As hard as that is to admit.
He did tell me about the tinder profile but as he’s said so many things I didn’t believe it until I had friends sending me it. When confronted with it he told me it was gone & he didn’t even use it. But who knows?

 

[Twinks10]

You need to talk to your husband when you’re both calm and you can explain to him what you heard and how it makes you feel. Try not to be too accusatory as that’s likely to make him defensive but keep it factual and about how you’re feeling.
You said that you've not been feeling yourself, do you know what’s causing this? Have you spoken to your husband about this yet? If you can identify what’s up and let your husband know then you can work on feeling better together.
Do you trust him? Has he ever given you a reason not to trust him?
Sometimes we feel jealous or insecure because of other factors and not necessarily because of a direct reason to feel that way but you need to let your husband know this and that when you hear him on the phone it sounds like he’s flirting and it makes you feel insecure/upset etc.
It sounds to me like there’s something else going on with you that’s making you feel this way, especially as you say it’s never bothered you before and you’ve never mentioned it before.

 

[Betty701]

Having been though both ivf and miscarriages in the past 5 years I do understand how hard it is. Ours is also male side so my husband carry’s a lot of the guilt because of that. However he has never once behaved the way your husband has or blamed anything behaviour on the fertility struggle.
I think you have already made your decision and would carry on with it. You deserve far better than the way you’re being treated at the moment.

 

[PoppyKJ]

I don’t believe he’s ever done anything behind my back & I have said that to him about the things he’s accused me of.
I’m now getting no response from the landlord about the flat but I’m hopeful!
I do think writing it down and hearing from people not involved has helped. Family and friends have far too many opinions because we have always been a strong couple until this.
The thought of living alone & leaving our home and animals leaves me feeling so anxious and wondering if it’s the right thing. I’m so scared of making a mistake but right now I can’t see myself wanting to live with him again

 

[PineappleQueen19]

His issues can’t be fixed by you. And he knew he had those issues and instead of getting help or working on them he decided to fire up Tinder? The man is his own bin fire, sorry.

Something I learnt recently: there’s you, there’s them, there’s the relationship. Three entities, like a Venn diagram. You can work on the relationship/marriage but problems coming in from the individuals need to be worked on individually too or you’ll never cut out the rot.

A huge step in boundaries is recognising the difference between a you problem, a me problem and an us problem. Treating a you problem solely as an us problem turns it into a Sisyphean task.

 

[Hope77]

It must be so hard to go through all of this and I personally have found that one resentment and distrust sets in, it is extremely hard to get over that. But I think you need to ask yourself if you still love your husband? If you do then perhaps its worth trying some marriage counselling. Its positive that he is taking steps to address his mental state and behaviour so perhaps all is not lost. Sometimes the counselling can help resolve things and move forward but it can also help you come to terms with the end of a relationship, should that be what the outcome is.
His behaviour is awful and has clearly driven you away so I guess you have to ask yourself if you can move on and give him another chance - if you do then I think counselling will help you move forward without dredging up the past.

Good luck, you deserve to happy whatever you decide x

 

[Twinks10]

No he didn’t reply to my email, I tried to explain to him that the way he speaks to this woman is different from the other woman he speaks with on the phone/ video call.
I’m getting confusing feelings from myself, one minute I feel he’s going to say it’s over and then some time later I feel it will work out.
That’s a good idea I’ll email him again about a date to talk, do you think I’m doing the right thing staying out the house longer than I should and only engaging in conversation when needed to??

It’s a bit off he didn’t reply and also didn’t then talk to you about it...
I don’t know if staying out of the house is the right thing or not, it’s really up to you if you feel it is or not. You could say you’re giving him the space he’s asked for but it also delays a potentially difficult conversation which I think you just need to have.
Take charge of the situation, email him with a date and time and say that it’s an adult conversation between you, you don’t want to argue and you want to resolve this issue and stop feeling the way you do.
Im sorry to say this but if there was nothing to it then he’d be reassuring you, not avoiding the conversation and fobbing you off. I’m not saying anything has happened necessarily but maybe he likes talking to this woman and maybe she makes him feel good.
You said that you think he’s going to end it which suggests there’s maybe other issues and not just this one or that you’re going through a bit of a rocky patch and this has just compounded things.
Either way, you need answers and either reassurance or an admission of some kind to move on. Good luck and sending love

 

[Twinks10]

Did you tell him that it was the tone/way in which he said he was looking forward to seeing this woman on 29th that has upset you?
Did he reply to your email?
You need to have a proper conversation with him as it sounds as if he’s fobbing you off with needing space and saying he’s under pressure etc.
I’d suggest emailing him again saying that you’ll give him some space but you want to talk and talk properly and calmly without an argument but you need answers and the ones he’s given aren’t good enough. Pick a date and tell him that’s when you want to talk, maybe the weekend when he isn’t working?
Explain again how you feel, what you heard and ask him about the woman, the meeting and more importantly, what he means by not knowing what he wants and needing space.
What’s your gut feeling on it all? Drill into that and be honest with yourself about what your gut is telling you and trust that x

 

[Reflected view]

You need to talk to your husband when you’re both calm and you can explain to him what you heard and how it makes you feel. Try not to be too accusatory as that’s likely to make him defensive but keep it factual and about how you’re feeling.
You said that you've not been feeling yourself, do you know what’s causing this? Have you spoken to your husband about this yet? If you can identify what’s up and let your husband know then you can work on feeling better together.
Do you trust him? Has he ever given you a reason not to trust him?
Sometimes we feel jealous or insecure because of other factors and not necessarily because of a direct reason to feel that way but you need to let your husband know this and that when you hear him on the phone it sounds like he’s flirting and it makes you feel insecure/upset etc.
It sounds to me like there’s something else going on with you that’s making you feel this way, especially as you say it’s never bothered you before and you’ve never mentioned it before.

Thank you so much for your reply,
I did try last night as everything seemed ok, I even sent him an email explaining how I was feeling out of sorts with myself I explained I felt I was loosing everything in my life my son turning 18 going off to uni, also that I felt I was loosing him to as we hardly talk he’s always working to 8,9 o’clock at night then when he’s finished he’s on his phone for several hours talking to people from work. The reason I emailed him was because he’s very good with words and I get lost and confused with him and never able to get my point across, he’s also extremely clever and twist and turns everything round to suit him makes it all about him and doesn’t listen or hear what I’m saying.
Yes I do trust him and when I really think about it I know iv probably made something out of nothing,
I’m 48 years old my husband and son are all iv got I don’t have any friends that I could speak to, I do have my workmates but I don’t want everyone knowing my business,
Thank you

 

[Twinks10]

Thank you so much.
I’m going to sit down tonight and send him another email see how that goes

Good luck Hope you get the chance to sort things out. Sending love

 

[Reflected view]

It’s a bit off he didn’t reply and also didn’t then talk to you about it...
I don’t know if staying out of the house is the right thing or not, it’s really up to you if you feel it is or not. You could say you’re giving him the space he’s asked for but it also delays a potentially difficult conversation which I think you just need to have.
Take charge of the situation, email him with a date and time and say that it’s an adult conversation between you, you don’t want to argue and you want to resolve this issue and stop feeling the way you do.
Im sorry to say this but if there was nothing to it then he’d be reassuring you, not avoiding the conversation and fobbing you off. I’m not saying anything has happened necessarily but maybe he likes talking to this woman and maybe she makes him feel good.
You said that you think he’s going to end it which suggests there’s maybe other issues and not just this one or that you’re going through a bit of a rocky patch and this has just compounded things.
Either way, you need answers and either reassurance or an admission of some kind to move on. Good luck and sending love

Thank you so much.
I’m going to sit down tonight and send him another email see how that goes

 

[Mrsbumble]

No he didn’t reply to my email, I tried to explain to him that the way he speaks to this woman is different from the other woman he speaks with on the phone/ video call.
I’m getting confusing feelings from myself, one minute I feel he’s going to say it’s over and then some time later I feel it will work out.
That’s a good idea I’ll email him again about a date to talk, do you think I’m doing the right thing staying out the house longer than I should and only engaging in conversation when needed to??

I agree with what the above poster said about him fobbing you off. When you confront him he’s telling you he’s stressed as he doesn’t want to answer your questions, does he think the situation he’s putting you in isn’t stressful too? I would say don’t stay out of the house if you don’t need to, it’s YOUR house as well. The talking aspect might give him a taste of his own medicine but still not going to resolve the issue!