LL off topic #11 The Wrong Fellas

[odetotheseaweed]

Spoiler: Spoiler

I get all of this because I’m the same. I’d find it so hard to see past her behaviour. But some people say men become dads when the baby is born, maybe this will be the catalyst for her to step it up and be a good mum?

Of course, it might not, and it will be a hard road for her with such a tiny baby, and most likely will affect the baby’s life in some way.

Again not saying you should do this, but I like to tick all the boxes so I don’t end up regretting stuff. So, did I go and visit when she asked? Yes

Then once your little man is here, you can say sorry you can’t visit because babies aren’t allowed in NICU/you can’t leave him because you’re breakfeeding etc

BUT

Having said all that, if you don’t want to go then you shouldn’t go just because you feel like you “should”

Probably not really much help - sorry

Spoiler

I think that’s why I’m struggling, I’m also a massive people pleaser I’m just so angry at the whole situation. I look at my friends who can’t have kids naturally, friends who have lost babies through no fault of their own, people like your cousin who’ve had to go through endless rounds of treatment just to get a chance at being a mum. And she’s there being selfish, neglectful, not actually caring about the baby through pregnancy at all. They were sending her 100s of miles away for specialist scans at children’s hospitals etc and she was treating it all like a joke. Filtering crying faces on to her boyfriend in the waiting room while filming him laughing, smoking outside the hospital with “day trip to X ” captions on photos, her baby has a heart abnormality and she actually referred to them as “gammy heart little bleep” at one point (she was called out for that at the time) etc it’s so fucked up and it’s all been a big joke to her. I want to give her a hug for what she’s going through now because it’s awful and the baby is SO tiny, but also want to punch her in the face all at the same time because all of this was preventable

 

[mrs.darcy]

@raspberryjuice as you've grown apart over the last few years, if I was in your position I wouldn't see her. This is just me though and you should do what feels right for you.

 

[2ofeach]

Birthday wishes @mrs.darcy I hope you're having a lovely day.

 

[raspberryjuice]

Spoiler: Spoiler

I get all of this because I’m the same. I’d find it so hard to see past her behaviour. But some people say men become dads when the baby is born, maybe this will be the catalyst for her to step it up and be a good mum?

Of course, it might not, and it will be a hard road for her with such a tiny baby, and most likely will affect the baby’s life in some way.

Again not saying you should do this, but I like to tick all the boxes so I don’t end up regretting stuff. So, did I go and visit when she asked? Yes

Then once your little man is here, you can say sorry you can’t visit because babies aren’t allowed in NICU/you can’t leave him because you’re breakfeeding etc

BUT

Having said all that, if you don’t want to go then you shouldn’t go just because you feel like you “should”

Probably not really much help - sorry

Spoiler

She’s already got 1 year old who was also born early and tiny (under 5lb) because of her smoking (again, including weed) and drinking! I think that’s what makes her behaviour this pregnancy even harder to swallow? Shes seen the effects on her first baby and thought duck it, I’ll do the same again and this baby has had even more devastating consequences of her behaviour we’ve barely seen each other since her first pregnancy but I’ve stayed in touch because we’ve known each other so long and we’re both part of a bigger friendship group (who have all distanced themselves from her over this pregnancy too). I just can’t relate to who she is at the moment, at all.

I just know she never used to be like this, it’s all since she split with her fiancé coming out of the last lockdown and got involved with her waster boyfriend. I know him and his family will be absolutely no support to her now. They’re toxic. So she must be feeling alone too.

My head is fried trying to decide 🫠

---

Given how much you've struggled keeping yourself & your baby so very safe & healthy during your pregnancy I can imagine your feelings of her neglect to both herself & the baby are somewhat more triggered in a way.

Can you use your pregnancy as an 'out' as in seeing NICU so close to your birth might be too much right now?
Another issue is that as you'll both have babies so close together she may want to regroup, see you more regularly & then you'll see the baby with its possible health problems & knowing how angered you are that won't be easy either.

It might be wise to have chat outside of NICU, coffee shop perhaps, so that you can test the water so to speak.
Take care @raspberryjuice

Edit... I've just read your 2nd spoiler & quite frankly I'd tell her now is not good for you.....move on. She sounds like a dreadful specimen

Spoiler

I can definitely use pregnancy as an excuse to avoid visiting them in NICU, and I probably will do that. But I know she will still be in hospital when I’m in and will just come and see me if I don’t deal with the situation in advance and my post-birth hormones will probably see me ripping her face off when I think what she’s done to her baby I think you’re probably right though and that it’s time to just move on for good. Shes not a good person anymore.

 

[Caledonianprincess]

@raspberryjuice if I were you in all honesty I would never see her again. She's caused her baby a lifetime of suffering for being selfish human. As a mum who lost a baby to a heart anomaly that was fatal hearing what she said about her baby, I'd not be able to stop my fist from smashing her face over and over again. Folk like her deserve to be strangled with their fallopian tubes

 

[IdeletedbutI'mbackagain]

@Okgolightly agree with the others, you've given them plenty of chances so they need to go so you can get reliable tenants.
---
It's my birthday today, been to work this morning, having a lazy afternoon then going to middle daughter's for tea.
Edinburgh on Saturday with the 2 eldest so looking forward to that (unfortunately youngest isn't well enough to join us as planned)

Happy Birthday!!! 🩷🩷 Hope your tea and your weekend are amazing!

 

[DellaC]

I wouldn't go, she sounds vile. I would let the relationship die naturally and would feel no guilt in doing so. Your attendance won't make any difference to her or the baby. But it will affect you.

Baby boy is near here. Focus on you and your little family

 

[IdeletedbutI'mbackagain]

Given how much you've struggled keeping yourself & your baby so very safe & healthy during your pregnancy I can imagine your feelings of her neglect to both herself & the baby are somewhat more triggered in a way.

Can you use your pregnancy as an 'out' as in seeing NICU so close to your birth might be too much right now?
Another issue is that as you'll both have babies so close together she may want to regroup, see you more regularly & then you'll see the baby with its possible health problems & knowing how angered you are that won't be easy either.

It might be wise to have chat outside of NICU, coffee shop perhaps, so that you can test the water so to speak.
Take care @raspberryjuice

Edit... I've just read your 2nd spoiler & quite frankly I'd tell her now is not good for you.....move on. She sounds like a dreadful specimen

I'm with @2ofeach here @raspberryjuice. You should cut your loses, she sounds like a horrible person and not someone you should risk having in your life or your child's life.

 

[gigilouxx]

Spoiler

I think that’s why I’m struggling, I’m also a massive people pleaser I’m just so angry at the whole situation. I look at my friends who can’t have kids naturally, friends who have lost babies through no fault of their own, people like your cousin who’ve had to go through endless rounds of treatment just to get a chance at being a mum. And she’s there being selfish, neglectful, not actually caring about the baby through pregnancy at all. They were sending her 100s of miles away for specialist scans at children’s hospitals etc and she was treating it all like a joke. Filtering crying faces on to her boyfriend in the waiting room while filming him laughing, smoking outside the hospital with “day trip to X ” captions on photos, her baby has a heart abnormality and she actually referred to them as “gammy heart little bleep” at one point (she was called out for that at the time) etc it’s so fucked up and it’s all been a big joke to her. I want to give her a hug for what she’s going through now because it’s awful and the baby is SO tiny, but also want to punch her in the face all at the same time because all of this was preventable

You’re pregnant yourself and you’ve got your own baby to think about

 

[Peepynose]

Oh rasp @raspberryjuice that’s a difficult situation to be so close to and even more so when you are pregnant. I personally would not go and would prioritise myself and my own baby. You and your baby are the most important thing right now and she sounds toxic. I know I would struggle with saying no though too!

 

[raspberryjuice]

Thank you ladies I think I’m going to tell her no, and why, and just move on. Shes brought it all on herself at the end of the day. And I don’t think I can ever get past this all being down to her behaviour and what a tough life her little baby is going to have because of her

 

[DellaC]

Thank you ladies I think I’m going to tell her no, and why, and just move on. Shes brought it all on herself at the end of the day. And I don’t think I can ever get past this all being down to her behaviour and what a tough life her little baby is going to have because of her

And don't worry about that decision Rasp, you've got bigger fish to fry x

 

[odetotheseaweed]

Thank you ladies I think I’m going to tell her no, and why, and just move on. Shes brought it all on herself at the end of the day. And I don’t think I can ever get past this all being down to her behaviour and what a tough life her little baby is going to have because of her

After reading she already has another baby in a similar circumstance I retract everything I said and I’d let the friendship tail off too. You don’t need that in your life, or baby rasps

If you do decide to tell her why, I hope it goes ok, and if she hits back just block her number and move on xx

 

[Boredofthegram]

Just catching up.

Happy bday Mrs D! Have the best afternoon and dinner

I agree with the other fellas rasp and wouldn’t go either. Think of yourself and the little fella now

 

[Liverbird2003]

Spoiler: Me rail

My friend (used to be best friend but grown apart over the past few years because our lifestyles are so different since she met her boyfriend but still spoke a lot) got pregnant a few weeks after me (basically she started trying as soon as I told her I was pregnant). She had her baby this week, 9 weeks early and just under 2lb - they’re saying about the size of a 27 weeker but she was 30 weeks. I’m really struggling with what to do. She smoked, drank and used drugs through her pregnancy. They knew the baby was small with complications (heart, kidney, lungs, very little fluid) and she was advised she MUST rest, stop smoking etc if she wanted to keep the baby in but she carried on smoking (incl weed), drinking energy drinks and going out and about as if everything was normal. I’ve distanced myself from her completely during her pregnancy because of her behaviour because I just can’t understand how someone can carry on like she has when you’re growing a baby. But she’s reached out this week, wants me to go and see them in hospital and I’m really struggling to know what to do. I’m so angry at her for what she’s inflicted on that poor baby who’ll have complications it’s entire life - if they even get out of NICU. I sit here with my healthy baby kicking away in my belly and I just can’t imagine anyone ignoring advice and putting their baby at risk. Part of me never wants to speak to her again because this is down to her and she’s feeling no guilt around it and what kind of person does that make her?! But I also can’t imagine how she must be feeling looking at that tiny baby fighting for its life every day. What would you guys do? I’m so torn between going there and giving her a hug or just telling her I can’t be the support she needs right now(and why if she asks).

Honestly, I'd cut her off. I have no time for people who live their lives like that.

 

[oldjamfan]

@Okgolightly agree with the others, you've given them plenty of chances so they need to go so you can get reliable tenants.
---
It's my birthday today, been to work this morning, having a lazy afternoon then going to middle daughter's for tea.
Edinburgh on Saturday with the 2 eldest so looking forward to that (unfortunately youngest isn't well enough to join us as planned)

Happy birthday sweetheart. I’ll be in Glasgow with my little (big!) brother for a gig on Saturday. Pop over x

 

[Liverbird2003]

Also, don't tell her when you're in having the baby. She doesn't need to know.

 

[raspberryjuice]

I’ve done it, I’ve told her no and why. She tried to play the “it’s not my fault, I need support” card and I kind of lost it and told her it’s all her fault and her baby will need support for life because of her 🫣

She’s now posting pics of the clearly very poorly baby all over FB and lapping up the attention in the comments. How about concentrate on your baby rather than having a photoshoot for social media when you’re with him?! I’m so done with her.

 

[IdeletedbutI'mbackagain]

I’ve done it, I’ve told her no and why. She tried to play the “it’s not my fault, I need support” card and I kind of lost it and told her it’s all her fault and her baby will need support for life because of her 🫣

She’s now posting pics of the clearly very poorly baby all over FB and lapping up the attention in the comments. How about concentrate on your baby rather than having a photoshoot for social media when you’re with him?! I’m so done with her.

I'm glad you did what you did, what a disgusting person. The poor baby

 

[raspberryjuice]

It’s the baby and the older baby I feel sorry for in this. They’ve been given the worst start in life and it never had to be that way.
I can’t imagine seeing those 2 lines on a test or that little flicker on the screen and not doing absolutely everything to protect and nurture the baby growing inside you. 9 months of sacrifice in your life but an impact on your child’s whole life. It’s so selfish.