Left out from organising a family celebration - what should I do

[Tui]

Hi all

I would appreciate some advice.

My SIL is having a baby shower, organised by her sister (we will call her C) and a friend of her sister. My BIL has one brother (my husband), and her own sister is unmarried, so I am my SIL’s only SIL- if you get me! I also know C and have met her many times.

I was added to the mass WhatsApp group about the date of the shower etc and posted a message tagging C and her friend asking them to let me know what I can do to help. Not a peep from them yet but figured the baby shower is quite a while away so didn’t think anything of it.
I found out today there is a separate WhatsApp group for organising the shower, with my SIL, her mum, my MIL, C and C’s friend in it. I am therefore the only female member of the near family who has not been included in the organisation of the shower despite offering to help.

I’m really quite hurt by this. I have a good relationship with my SIL and our husbands are close brothers. We go out for meals and visit each other’s houses frequently and live locally. Their baby’s only cousin will be my child and they will grow up together as they will be fairly close in age (we talk about this all the time). Their baby will have only two aunties - C and me.
I don’t really like the idea of baby showers but in spite of this I offered to help because I am happy for my SIL and want to help celebrate their baby, and also I felt it was the right thing to do, as her SIL and auntie to her baby.
Something similar happened on the morning of their wedding as my husband was best man, my MIL was invited to get ready with the bridal party in the bridal suite and I was left to get ready on my own in the same hotel and just latch on to someone I knew before the wedding and find someone to travel and sit with. Being excluded from the close family celebrations like this really hurt me at the time as I felt like inviting me along with my MIL would have been such a trivial thing to do, I felt forgotten about despite feeling my SIL and I got on well.

Am I being over sensitive? I feel like some of this comes from C as I feel like she dislikes me, and suspect she probably wants the event to be an event for “their” family rather than the family that was created by my BIL and SILs marriage. Hard to explain this vibe but there’s a lot of reasons I suspect this.
Sorry for the long meandering story but felt the back story was needed. Should I do anything? Or just leave it and feel excluded again? If anything the damage has been done so not sure if I should just let it go but this doesn’t sit well with me as I remember being so hurt on the morning of their wedding.

 

[Very traditional]

I think you may be over thinking things - not everyone can be involved in the planning of an event as there will inevitably be nice surprises for the guests, I get where you're coming from but I really wouldn't take it to heart, I don't think there'll be any malice meant at all.

 

[PineappleQueen19]

Ultimately it’s her event, try not to take it to personally - after all you wouldn’t want to be included in the planning out of obligation. Go with a loving heart (I know you will) and respect the boundary she has set for your relationship with her even though it’s more distant than how you would ideally like it. Maybe in time you will be closer but pushing it now will do the opposite.

 

[Mrsbumble]

I think you are being over sensitive and the issue really stems from not being included at the wedding and now the baby shower so you’re thinking there is some malice in what they are doing. Honestly, I think you are overthinking things and wouldn’t say anything as I think that might cause issues. Hope this post doesn’t come across as too harsh!

 

[Giggling Squid]

I think you’re being over sensitive- and I think from experience, the more people that are involved in the organising, the more complicated things become.

 

[Pinklady567]

I also think your being over sensitive. I get along with my SIL but I didnt have them involved in my baby showers. It was the mums and my friend too!!

 

[ElaineDublin]

You’re entitled to your feelings and if you feel left out, whether they meant it or not, how you feel is valid.

I always think when it comes to in laws, even if you’ve a great relationship with them it’s up to the hubby to say something where possible. Could he chat to his brother and suss it out ? Even informally so you won’t feel like you’re stirring anything ?

 

[Very traditional]

You’re entitled to your feelings and if you feel left out, whether they meant it or not, how you feel is valid.

I always think when it comes to in laws, even if you’ve a great relationship with them it’s up to the hubby to say something where possible. Could he chat to his brother and suss it out ? Even informally so you won’t feel like you’re stirring anything ?

While I agree that you're entitled to feel how you feel and that your feelings are valid, your sister in law is equally entitled to choose who she wants to plan her baby shower and shouldn't be made to feel bad for choosing the people she wants to do it. I think if your husband was to speak to his brother it would cause bad feeling or at the very least awkwardness and next time you were asked to do anything you wouldn't know if it was genuinely because they wanted you to or were scared of offending you.

 

[ElaineDublin]

While I agree that you're entitled to feel how you feel and that your feelings are valid, your sister in law is equally entitled to choose who she wants to plan her baby shower and shouldn't be made to feel bad for choosing the people she wants to do it. I think if your husband was to speak to his brother it would cause bad feeling or at the very least awkwardness and next time you were asked to do anything you wouldn't know if it was genuinely because they wanted you to or were scared of offending you.

That’s a fair point too

 

[JoeBloggs]

I can totally understand why you feel this way, but you are not her direct family, only by marriage and while you may socialise with her often you are not related to her nor a chosen friend. As others have said, the more people in the mix the more complicated it can be and there has to be a cut off line.

Unless she is actively being mean or having events without I would not take any of to heart, some people like to organise things themselves too.

Go to the event with no bad feelings and be you, maybe once the baby comes you can connect more mum to mum if you feel you need/want too.

 

[orla1989]

I also think your being over sensitive, see if you say anything they won’t forget it and you may be the butt of jokes for years to come over this!! Just act like it doesn’t bother you

You could potentially ruin your relationships with your in-laws if you do say anything. And do you really want to be at an event where you’re not wanted? I wouldn’t! Hope you feel better about this situation soon

 

[Mrs Cucumber]

I never knew it took so many people to organise a baby shower! I would just be pleased I didn't have to do anything lol

 

[BettyCrockerr]

You are being over sensitive. As others have said, you are this woman’s SIL - not direct family and not an independent friend of hers by her own choice and while yes you get along fine etc you are still her SIL. I’d actually find it a bit odd if under these circumstances you were involved in the planning of her baby shower!

likewise regarding the issues you’ve mentioned at their wedding. There was no reason for you to have been invited to get ready alongside the bride (your SIL) and her mother on the wedding day - yes your husband was in the wedding party and yes that inevitably meant you had to get ready solo etc but that just how it goes when your other half is involved in an event of that nature. Again, it would have been more odd had you been in with the bride and her mother the morning of the wedding.

Enjoy being a guest at your SIL’s baby shower and stop over Thinking it - it’s really not the big deal you think it is and please do not mention it at all to any of your husbands family or have your husband mention it - it’s the kind of trivial nonsense that can quickly turn everything sour.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

I don’t think there’s anything to worry about - I think if it was a concerted effort to exclude you, you wouldn’t have the relationship with your SIL that you do.

If this was me, I would maybe hate to be involved in the organising but rather than think “dodged a bullet there, that What’s App group will be non-stop” I’d still be miffed I didn’t get asked!

I hope you can go along and enjoy it as a guest and be glad you didn’t have the hassle of planning and running around and accommodating different personalities