I’ll speak when I’m ready, troll..
Truffalo’s Mensa membership came under threat as she demonstrated how to use a curling tong. A simple enough task, you’d think, but how wrong you’d be. It started well, she managed to use a brush, managed to get the curler out of the box and also managed to switch it on. Hilariously though, she did not manage to figure out that the glove in the box was to stop her hand from getting burnt and instead the great walloping mammoth wore it on the hand holding the handle instead of the hand holding the hot end. How this woman manages to get through each day without setting fire to herself is beyond me.
After the failed ‘assumption’ post, she tried a different tack to raise her engagement and did another Q&A post, or as it’s also known ‘An Addressing Tattle’ post. It went a little bit like this:
“What have you got Olive for her birthday because my baby is nearly one and I’m too dense to come up with something for myself?”
Well, I haven’t actually bought her anything persay as I’m such a beg that I’ve managed to get most of it for free.. Sorry, what I actually mean is Olive has told me in Spanish that she prefers to just do activities instead of having to spend hours wedged into the shitshow we’re cheeky enough to call a living room so she’ll be spending the day wedged in her car seat like a whiteleg shrimp while we do things that she can watch in bewilderment from over the top of the seat.
“Did you feel safe when you chose to put your baby’s safety at risk and go on holiday twice during a Global Pandemic?”
Safe? Of course I was safe. Didn’t you see me stomp my way through Ocean Beach with all the grace of a wheelbarrow doing the Haka? No one would stand in my path. And if they did, my Matt would just go round their Ma’s to have a word about their daughter. Oh, safe from Covid? Yeah, I don’t believe in that..
“How do you manage to be a size 6 when you don’t filter your pictures anymore and you eat in a different restaurant for each meal?”
I go to the gym all the time, I’ve been twice in the last year so I’m pretty much a regular now. I run every day except for most days and when I eat out, I only eat three courses with another course on the side, so I manage to stay in a calorie deficit. I’m no fitness exspect (no
tit, Columbo) but if you follow what I do, you’ll be a size 10 in 6 to 8 centuries..
We were treated to previously unseen ‘this time last year’ footage of her in a furniture shop while she was in labour waiting for her centimetres to dilate to the right size centimetre. Delo treated her with love and concern by being 20 foot ahead of her at all times and avoiding all eye contact while she and her contracting centimetre desperately tried to keep up.
It’s National Breastfeeding Week so that’s another bandwagon for Samson to add to her fleet. Of course it was all dreamy and bespoke and gallons of colostrum and milk just flowed from her majestic life-giving bosoms.. Oh, wait, that was last year’s breastfeeding story. This year it was a norks nightmare as she even managed to bruise her hands (????) while attempting to feed Olive. Genuinely baffled how that happened but after the glove and curler incident, I’m going to assume she got her hand stuck in the pump somehow and had to go to the fire station to get it taken off with the jaws of life.
Birthday Eve and for Olive’s big day, Kate is getting new clothes, a pedicure and new nails on a hand Thanos could have used as a spare Infinity Gauntlet. Karma intervened for a moment and the cake shop posted the bespoke cakes that Kate had ordered before Kate had the chance to do her own revel. To the surprise of absolutely no one, the cakes are beige and green. What was startling though was the inclusion of a mutilated squirrel stuck to the side.
Happy Birthing Day, Kate! Hope Olive doesn’t get in the way of the celebrations too much. Literally every shout on the Tattle baby bespoke birthday bingo card was crossed off in just one picture taken in the leccy cupboard. We had olive branch wrapping paper, beige Scandiborn toys, a green and beige balon arch, and green and beige roadkill cake. Wildcard inclusion by Chinnifer Makeup though as she either found an olive branch screensaver to put on the telly, or she’s wallpapered it with the leftover wrapping paper.
As predicted by Brahan the Seer several millennia ago, the birthing day reposts started at the crack of dawn. Unfortunately for Kate, she’s just done an excellent job of confirming exactly how much she broke lockdown last year and how many people she let hold her Rainbow Baby during a Global Pandemic. It was however nice to see Olive’s natural colouring for once instead of her looking like the missing member of Abba.
We had a guest appearance from the Old Goat of Ocean Beach, always lovely to see the swollen face of the Playa Predator, especially on your daughter’s birthday, eh Kate?
The matching birthday outfits were finally revealed and again have proved that August 6th is not about Olive but is wholly about Kate and her wonderous baby producing vagina. Wearing matching pleather jackets, the makeups were last seen heading off on a 2 hour drive so Olive could fully appreciate the car seat, with Daddy DIY secretly wishing he’d used up his annual leave for the Euros.
Finally, this is the thread where we met Fat Tits, the most perfect shout ever.
@JoeExotic 
As always, Read the Wiki..
she's a psycho !! 
