New Year, New Recap.
It’s not about how quick you can run..
2021 ended and 2022 began with our favourite dry shampoo wearer thinking she looked like Emily in Paris whilst actually looking like Sharon in 1986’s Eastenders Christmas Day episode. One could only assume that she was also on call at the Formby Vets 4 Pets too, seeing as how she went out wearing a pair of lambing gloves to finish the outfit off. Luckily for the poor animal stuck with her as a birthing partner, there’s no chance of her rings getting lost in their Fallopian tubes seeing as how the Wirral’s answer to James Herriot kept them on under the gloves.
As always, she woke up with no hangover even though the photo of her on the beach a few hours later looking like something Shane McGowan coughed up in the 90s told a completely different story. Looking after a toddler while you’re also suffering a bout of Columbian flu isn’t that easy it would seem. Never fear though, Olive not going to bed isn’t a problem for the super parents. As we all know, the best way to get a toddler to sleep is to let them twit about on your bed while you laugh at them and film them so the Lord only knows why it took them so long to get her to drop off…
Sunday treated us to not one, but two garbled messages that were meant to pass as adverts. Firstly we learnt that dry shampoo makes your look like, but because she’s 30, she’s growing her hair long, and her hair is really thick (even though to anyone watching who have eyes, it looks like the hair on a Barbie at the bottom of the 10p bargain tub at the school Christmas Fair), she wears lip balm and she can’t believe how long her hair is. Not entirely sure what she was trying to advertise but at least we know her hair plans for the year on the off chance that you want to look like the before picture of Alpecin ad.
Later on she tried to flog us her Motherhood diary which is exactly the same as a diary only it costs £30.33 more. Exciting times ahead for the Wirral’s 751st most important shed owner as she tried to sell us the diary by showing us her own personal copy and covering over what she’s already written in it with her spatula hands. Common sense would surely have led to the brain-owning among us to actually own a blank copy to use for advertising but this is the woman who used Lenor Crease Release on her floor and who broke her dishwasher when she used washing machine cleaner in it, so I suppose it’s a bonus that she actually appeared holding a diary and not a tin of dog food.
A desperate plea was put out in search of someone able to tow a Range Rover. This may have been because her brand new exclusive car has broken down already or it may have been because she wants a race with someone down Wirral Waterfront dragging her car into a parallel park as part of her training for World’s Strongest Man. All will be revealed Christmas Eve 2022 when we get the first showing of ZSM launching Atlas Balls around Alton Towers.
In the best display of logic since Americans were allowed to vote for Trump, ZSM announced that we should normalise stomach pouches because kangaroos have them. Kangaroos also spend their days bouncing around the outback and punching things that inconvenience them, so if you see a blonde woman wearing a tutu jumping across Church Street to thump some poor unsuspecting person on their phone, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Finally, as mentioned above, she’s a racist, homophobic gobshite.
As always, Read the Wiki..
xoxo
how on Earth is she going to talk her way out of that one?? Been checking to see if she has unfollowed Elle Darby but obvs not, she probably agrees with half her views tbh!
