Jack Monroe #83 The case of the disappearing poverty manuscript and other short stories

[Sideboard Bob]

Hello frauen and herrin! Long time lurker, finally decided to post, since one of the coven recently wondered how many lurkers there are!
I feel like I don’t have the humour or eloquence to put into words an introduction worthy of this nasty canal, but then in true Mackie style I thought, “f*ck it, this will do!“
You lot have made me laugh a LOT over the last few months, and I’m also touched to see how kind and supportive you are. There’s so many “inside jokes” but it never feels cliquey thanks to the introductions, wiki, Jack for Dummies, and glossary!!!
Like so many others I’ve had a bit of a rubbish year (not SEVERE though!), but seeing others here be so open about various MH problems has made me feel less ashamed in times when it got a bit much. It was a welcome contrast to certain people on Twitter mithering on and on about their mental health, and wondering if *I* was being that over dramatic. But then I read about kind, intelligent, resourceful people here, being so honest... it’s really helped.

Sorry that was longer than I expected!
If you’ve read this far without falling into a dinosaur nap, I’d like to make it clear that despite having “Bob” in my username, and currently wearing traazers, I am in fact a bird! Now fuck off! xx

 

[Pocahontas]

Yeah, I place a lot of importance on curtains with character because I can’t paint the walls.

Why can’t you paint the walls, Jack?

 

[NaeDebates]

Jack, dear. With love, stfu. View attachment 265599

Long time lurker coming out of hiding here I mean we all already knew she was a compulsive liar but I work closely with Ed Psych’s in my job and & ffs we don’t send kids to see them because they’re a bit “kooky” and interested in death. I think the lie you were looking for Jack was maybe Clinical Psychologist dear heart? I wish she’d research her lies better, it’s not like she’s short on time.
Anyway, keep up the fantastic work cabal, you all seem like thoroughly nice people and I love the supportive wee environment you’ve got! Now can I go for a piss?

 

[Alansbigplate]

 

[MancBee]

Don't ask. She's so tired of having to justify everything on here. Now........ fuck off.

6 months ago, if I was on any sort of forum and I was told to fuck off I would have been most offended. Now it makes my day, I just love it.

Now you can all fuck off.

 

[blurstoftimes]

Jack Monroe #84: She fucking RENTS okay???

 

[GrunkaLunka]

Poor old Jack, she always thought she was going to own a house by the time she was 30, and now she doesn't even have a partner who owns property. *Mr Krabs playing tiny violin*

View attachment 265708
Extract from this article.

A year on benefits doesn't ruin your credit rating, but living way beyond your means does. Honestly this woman is such a twat about money. She wants a house handed to her on a silver platter and can't seem to see that most of the house owning population actually spend a huge chunk of their lives working constantly to afford/pay it off.

It was 10 years ago that she was "on benefits" and since then she's had bestselling books (her words), £20k+ from Katie Hopkins, DKL, Hellmann's 5 figures and God knows what other gigs which have paid well above the national average. How much has she put away? Sweet FA. She's just filled her shitty bungalow with luxe goods.

Be realistic Jack, you're a single woman living with a child. You need two bedrooms, one reception room, one bathroom. Sell the sideboards and get a deposit together, home ownership is not beyond you, you're creating obstacles which do not exist. Even if you've fucked your credit, if you're sensible with money then it will recover. Lying beggy twat.

 

[Pocahontas]

Congratulations to @Emmapism for the thread title! I believe this is your title cherry popped and I love that it ecapsulates the hill on which you choose to die

Recap of thread #82

1. At night and in want of distraction, Jack Monroe needed something engrossing and HARD (her words, not mine) ... so she can now play and sing Bocelli’s Con Te Potato. Pie, Jesus Christ, Not Her Pie is next on the hit list of 2am piano burbling.
2. She wants a recipe for a good foolproof softy soft soft pillowy soft soft softy lovely softy soft white bread. It has be pillowy softy soft soft soft soft.
3. Her website was down (that darned Vlad) but do tweet her using the hashtag #suppernanny - which is a working title of a thing she’s working on, lol, surprise!
4. Pie Jesus, her website is back up and running. It’s too late for that festering jar of black olives though. Just put them in the bin, mate.
5. She spent the day cat napping all over her bungalow. What a delicious waste.
6. She was bought a chippy tea - perhaps as a preemptive move to cease and desist. The liver has moved out by now and got its own pad.
7. She made her Twitter public again, perhaps to allow full access to a photo of her wearing the kitten and nothing else, and one of her son in pants.
8. What about the book, Jack? What about the booooook?

Please add any recap points that I have missed. I had to speed grunka and most of them were Alan’s gifs

Spoiler: Jack for Dummies

For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.

For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.

*** JACKISMS ***

Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

Yes, absolutely x

Some other favourite Jack quotes:

‘Babe, same’

‘I did a chaos’

‘My maverick brain’

‘My sad little face’

‘I’m BUSY’

‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’

‘I laughed up a lung’

One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **

To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).

Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *

Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*

Also:

• She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
• She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
• Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
• Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
• Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
• She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
• During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
• The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.

Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.

We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

 

[Alansbigplate]

View attachment 265657

 

[Veronicaaa]

Poor SB he's gonna be gnawing through that single turkey leg for six nights this week

So she cooked an out-of-date turkey leg last week, the refrigerated it for days, then cooked it again today so she could put it in the freezer, only to defrost and reheat at a later date. Never mind Leith's, Jack needs to do a food hygiene course pronto.

 

[Pocahontas]

Frauen and herren - I am suffering from severe recap writing BURNOUT. I’m throwing in the towel and passing the baton to the next frau or herr. Go forth and conquer

Now absolutely get to fuck and thankyou goodnight! X

 

[Silver Linings]

🥱🥱🥱

 

[Alansbigplate]

 

[ChickenPorridge]

Jack commenting on someones pic last night, Oooh that's nice F&B paint you've got there! Too expensive for little old me though (tip jar rattle).

Someone totally innocently commenting on Jack's pic this morning Oooh nice curtains, wish they weren't so expensive though.

Jack: I DONT KNOW WHAT THEY COST! THEY WERE A GIFT! GOD MOM! I'M SICK OF THIS HOUSE *slams bedroom door*

 

[LavaFlake]

Between Le Crueset in the charity shop, Burberry in the mud and gifted William Morris, she's living the dream isn't she

 

[FlashBoof]

Exciting times in this Fraus house tonight. For the first time in 20 odd years of perusing charity shops for goodies, I found ............

 

[LavaFlake]

View attachment 265987

Stop rattling your tip jar and claiming poverty and you then can showcase all the Cotswolds and William Morris prints you want pet xxx

 

[traumatised sideboard]

While we're sharing Jack Partridges, here is one what I gone and done special

GIVE ME A SECOND SERIES OF DKL, YOU SHIT.

 

[Emmapism]

I know it's early but Jack Monroe #84 The Girl with All The Gifts

 

[Hollaaa]

Has Jack completed Twitter?

https://twitter.com/BootstrapCook

#84 Twitter? Completed it, mate.