Jack Monroe #192 Hoist with her own anchoïade

[veryfondoftea]

She wrote about him checking to see if she was still breathing too

My daughter sometimes offers to make me things. Mostly, I say no thanks, because knowing I drink strong coffee, she thinks 5 spoons of instant is about right (it is not!)

My 8 year old likes to make me cups of tea from time to time but I’ve learnt to say no now as she is quite the experimental cuppa chef and will add things like cinnamon or chocolate powder and one particularly memorable day, 100s and 1000s.

 

[Vanelope]

View attachment 596967

Oh fuck off you needy twat. You have not had a lifetime of trauma, it’s all in your head.

 

[hydeist]

See if you can furnish an entire new room with bits you had lying around the rest of the house YOU OWN TOO MUCH FUCKING SHITE.

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

Squig from earlier this week has replied under the messy room photo:

 

[DinosaurSenior]

If I had a set of apothecary drawers like that, I wouldn't need to check my emails to find out where I bought them.

 

[MancBee]

a tweet for the new thread!

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So that's it. She was waiting for a new thread!

 

[ThunderClapForCapers]

I bet Jack is simmering away wanting to have a dig a BJ and his wedding.

I hope she leaves the happy couple alone. Further images of their special day have been released by Downing St.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

My personal favourite of Jack's conversations with her son that really absolutely happened is the 'what's UNICEF?' on a train one where she imagines that other passengers are judging her as 'a scruffy little oik blithely quoting international birth rate statistics before 9AM'. Build one of your beloved bridges and get over yourself, dear heart. I do also quite like the one where she calls her son a 'pint-sized misogynist' because he said she was fat. Or the one where he deadnamed her during a tantrum and they both wept, which is like the more poignant version of 'and then everyone clapped'. She's fucking crackers milord.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Sorry to disturb you at this hour Louisa but could you please come and collect Jack? Yes, we were watching her but she must have had a fifth phone that we didn't know about that she now has to bake a cake for. We didn't give her the wifi password either, she must be using her mobile data. Look, we wouldn't call if it wasn't serious. She's had at least fifteen attentions and has become quite unbearable. The cabal are very tired and would like to go to bed so if you could come ASAP that would be great. Nice one, cheers Louisa.

 

[Raker]

Some questions for you jack, when you grunk later you can address these in a future tweet.

you can move lots of furniture and no longer use a stick — is your RA cured now Jack?! How did that happen? Is that why you didn’t have the vaccine early?

It seems that you are paying RENT for a house with too many rooms — you have a bedroom, a room for BB, a room for SB, an office, a dark room and a reading book. Are these the same room refined, or Are you not poor anymore Jack?!?!? How did that happen?

you were able to singlehandedly move a heavy sofa and sort out lots of boxes, cut a fringe and decode energy bills to the masses, but you haven’t had a single second to support your friend and behind-the-scenes dance partner Marcus Rashfod’s successful crusade. Do you not support other people’s efforts to end child hunger Jack?!?! Why is that, again

Grrrr

 

[Jelly Bean]

The SB thing is the most chilling IMO. Once ur eyes are open to the fact he’s not there NOW every bit of leakage like this last minute get away makes you realise he was never there THEN. even the times she’d exploit him for content was the odd weekend, the time she claims he’s at his dads.

When she posted a picture of his room (which is just grotesque of any parent tbh) it looked like a youth hostel in Amsterdam just basic IKEA furniture with absolutely nothing in it. What kid can fit their entire existence into a handful of Kallax cubes?

There was that wierd time on This Morning during the infamous lingreenie segment when Ruth asked Jack how she was coping during lockdown with her son and Jack said he was at his Dad's and they shared parenting so it wasn't too bad.
Which is fine apart from the fact she had spent weeks moaning on twitter about how hard it was being a single parent in lockdown with no support. Trying to entertain and home educate SB when she had (again) no support.
I reckon Ruth's innocent question caught her on the hop and she couldn't think fast enough on her feet to go through her 'I'm a single parent and it is so hard' routine. Plus lying live on television when SB, his dad and family were probably watching is a bit different to tweeting and implying single parenthood.

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

Is this the unit? Via wayfair.

 

[ChickenPorridge]

That you Louisa?

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

I'm not ready for Mexican Jack

 

[traumatised sideboard]

I get the impression that Jack never watched any children's television. She's been a fun sponge since the day she was spawned. She emerged into the world and said 'what use have I, a maverick genius, for these juvenile diversions? Do you expect me to find joy in a simple game of kickyball with these silly pint-sized simpletons? Well, I shan't! Mother, pass me the UNICEF birth statistics and the Hansards'.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

 

[DisgruntledGoat]

That’s a lot of John Lewis boxes for someone who pocketed a salary for writing an entire Christmas dinner menu using lard.

 

[MaineCoonMama]

It's a genuine squig who has many other largely child-based (child status: confirmed) instances of things that definitely happened. Highlights include said child taking complete creative control over a whole stop-motion film and insisting on being given vegetables for dinner then giving a lecture on tomatoes after watching a Netflix programme. They have such enormous Jack On a Train energy but it's not a sock, rather gloves of a feather flocking etc.

This is -to me- the absolute pinnacle of that type of mother.

 

[colouredlines]

...Tanzania is GMT+3. No daylight savings, so depending on the time of year, either 2 or 3 hours' difference.

Of course you didn't suffer from jet lag, Jack, you utter buffoon.