Jack Monroe #166 Comments are off

[waffle maker]

@Shawads that is the greatest story ever told. Do you have a patreon or editor I could send some teething necklaces and shopping trolleys to?

 

[Cookiecookie]

That was brilliant @Shawads

 

[Vroo]

I am early hours grunking because I have terrible teeth. I'm on strong drugs so while I'm under the influence I just want to say 'I love you guys'

Also... I've watched a lot of romcom and feelgood movies.

I'm picturing the Mel donte office.

There's a plucky young intern, she can't get anyone to take her seriously (possibly rebel Wilson, still to be decided) .

She's taken under the wing of a high flying ad executive who has lived and breathed Mel donte for 40 years (meryl streep) .

Plucky young intern tells the jaded mentor she's heard about this woman who is a wife, mother, sister, norn Irish Greek cypriot activist, food writer and presenter.

plucky young intern tells the poverty story while the jaded ad exec stifles a yawn and picks lint off her clothes (to burn later)
As plucky young intern reaches the end of her monologue she utters the fateful words 'and get this mate, not only does she tick all the boxes, but she has written a book about cooking with Tinned food and most of what she makes is out of a can, she'd be perfect to run a collab with!'

Jaded ad exec's eyes flash for a millisecond (camera zooms in to catch this micro, nay, meeekro moment)
Jaded ad exec quickly regains her composure and tells the intern 'nice idea mate but not for us, you're bottom of the (Tinned) food chain, leave the collab ideas to me. Now go and get me a triple fried sticky chicken latte and remember if anyone asks you it's vegan'

Plucky young intern is downcast, eyes to the floor, shoulders slumped. Hiding the tears in her eyes she makes her way to the quirky coffee shop where the handsome widower owner gives her a shoulder to cry on. (sub plot: the cafe owner is a gadzillionaire and is truly in love with our plucky young heroine)

Plucky young intern takes a deep breath, puts on her big girl pants and makes her way back to Mel Donte Towers.

Cut to: marketing think tank meeting around a huge table, hipsters as far as the eye can see.

The editor 'I'm sick of all your bull ideas, regurgitated this, spat up that, gimme something new, come on people, I need IDEAS!!!'

Plucky young intern looks at her mentor, she silently asks a question with her big innocent eyes. Ad exec makes an almost imperceptible movement as if to say 'don't even go there sister'.
Plucky young intern knows where she is in the food chain and keeps quiet.
The rest of the team around the table are silent. They know if they don't pull something new out of the can, one of them will be canned.
It's a tense moment.
Suddenly ad exec exclaims, 'EUREKA!' (It's a Greek word, did I mention that this film is also a bit about hilarious Greek families?)
Ad exec slaps the table, everyone jumps.
'by jove! I think I've got it!'

Everyone turns to face ad exec as she tells an amazing story about a brave woman who through no fault of her own found herself living on the breadline, all alone with smol boy and 'tit poor' .
'But wait, it doesn't end there, she's also a wife, mother, sister , norn Irish Greek cypriot activist, food writer and presenter. AND! and! get this mate, not only does she tick all the boxes, but she has written a book about cooking with Tinned food and most of what she makes is out of a can, she'd be perfect to run a collab with!'

The room is stunned. You can hear a pin drop. The atmosphere is electric, everyone is wooping and fizzing, the air is thick with hooting.
They all get up to congratulate the ad exec. She's beaming, and everyone is relieved, no heads are gonna roll today.
Nobody notices baby in the corner, our plucky young intern silently weeping.

Cut to the next scene :
It's nine months later. Back in the marketing think tank meeting, all around the table again.
'Here we go everyone the moment we've been waiting for'
Plucky young intern tops up everyone's drink with fruit sugar water and they all toast the jaded ad exec and drink straight from the can.

On the wall in front is a giant projection of the collaboration with the poverty actor Queen of Hearts.
The video plays.
The room is eerily silent. Ad exec looks around at her colleagues to guage their reaction. Her hands start to shake.
She makes eye contact with her editor who silently mouths the words 'this is not good. Not good at all'. The editor then uses her finger across her neck to make the international sign of the throat being cut.

The plucky young intern has her hands over her face but peeks out between her fingers just in time to see Ad exec's face is white.

Cut to scene:
Ad exec is packing a box and snot crying huge jagged sobs. She is moaning and wailing. muttering about her second home and the down payment on a flashy car. 'what am I going to do now? I was already in debt, this is going to clear me out'. The security guards entertainer her wailing, from the building.

Plucky young intern can't bear to see ad exec take the flack for her bad idea.

She watches guiltily as ad exec is taken, howling from the building.
She goes to the quirky coffee shop and the secret gadzillionaire owner listens as she pours her beautiful heart out.
'what can I do to make it right?'
The secret gadzillionaire coffee shop owner stares deeeep into her endless eyes. He has never loved her more than this moment
'listen to your heart daphne. All the answers are deeeep within us'

Daphne stares at him, she's shot through the heart by cupids arrow. They are in love.
She doesn't want to leave him but she knows she has important work to do. 'I'll deal with you later' she winks lasciviously.

Back in the office, plucky young intern is with the editor '.... So you see, it was my idea all along. If anyone needs to be canned it's me'.
The editor is blown away by both her beauty and her honesty.
'OK daphne, I'm doing this for you. Nobody else. You have an amazing career ahead of you. Never lose your pluck, honesty or beauty'.

Cut to new scene. It's two years later
Plucky young intern is playing with two babies, they look like cherubs. She is talking on the phone at the same time and looks amazing, really polished, well dressed, professional but understated make up.

Handsome quirky coffee shop guy is behind her, stroking her neck lovingly while he gazes at her with their babies. The perfect mom, and wife. Camera zooms in to her left hand. For a minute we are bedazzled by the diamond, it's huge but understated, tasteful.
There's a knock on the door, the door opens and as it does we we see a sign on the door: daphne, advertising executive.

In the door comes her old jaded mentor. She looks a bit sad, down on her luck, chicken grease on her denim shirt. She hands daphne a can of sugary fruit juice.
Daphne speaks into her phone 'excuse me, I have to go. My INTERN is here with my drink.'

Daphne smiles fondly at the ad exec. Ad exec smiles back. 'I'll never forget how good you've been to me after I stole your idea and it backfired terribly leaving me broke and friendless'
Daphne looked out from under her princess Diana fringe (bangs).
'the woman from Mel Donte, she say, no man is an island. we're your friends now '

The camera pans out to show that the office is no longer in the busy streets of downtown manhattan but is actually on a tropical island.
Quirky coffee shop gadzillionaire owner bought the company for his one true love, daphne, and moved them to the tropical island where they can the fruit at source.
Mel Donte has gone from strength to strength.

The employees are treated so fairly there that they've become a business model for all corporations and daphne travels the world with her babies teaching big business men like Alan sugar how to care for their employees *especially* their interns.

The final scene is a huge corporate event, everyone is cheering and clapping and crying for beautiful daphne and her gunk and spirit.
jaded ad exec walks on to the stage, they hold hands and bow.

Cue calypso music.

Closing Credits roll.
There are some hilarious outtakes

The End

@Shawads Amazing story

 

[GoLando]

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ETA - Insta caption. Paragraphs, Jack!!View attachment 487449View attachment 487450

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Tattle Gods, for the love of duck please give us an eyeroll reaction!!!

 

[Skyfall]

WTAF
Not only the lurking wife card (LC has got to get out) but the casual £40 slap bang in the middle.
why would you do that?
Oh it’s from your bottomless tip jar donators no doubt.
And no doubt about what gender your friends and family believe you are and want to be

 

[bladiesla]

That's not a vegan version. That's a totally different recipe. (Which will never appear so it's kind of academic but still.)

Mushroom and pineapple. Don't know about that.

It reminds me of a friend who, for a pasta recipe, suggested to replace the bacon with courgette for th vgetarian eaters. TBF, that was when we were 20 or so and had no idea about cooking (because as I mentioned earlier, unlike Fliss Freeborn, in our students days we were occupied with pulling/bing pulled, not vegetarianising recipes)

 

[Pocahontas]

There’s a card that says WIFE!!!!! But. But. She left! There’s no rent money! Whaaatttt

Maybe the forty quid in the middle of the table is the rent money

 

[Saint_clemmie]

View attachment 487529WTAF
Not only the lurking wife card (LC has got to get out) but the casual £40 slap bang in the middle.
why would you do that?
Oh it’s from your bottomless tip jar donators no doubt.
And no doubt about what gender your friends and family believe you are and want to be

People who do this and the ones who post wrapped presents “ready for the birthday boy/girl” are the worst kind of people - why would you do this?

 

[colouredlines]

That birthday pile is so bleeping embarrassing...and surely disappointing by Jack's standards? No curtains, large items of furniture, Emins etc.

 

[waffle maker]

That birthday pile is so bleeping embarrassing...and surely disappointing by Jack's standards? No curtains, large items of furniture, Emins etc.

I think you could buy every single one of those presents at Fleet services on the A3. Even a cash point.

 

[Billybellend]

You can have those extra two rings as a little snackette later

Yeah - the ‘Russian roulette’ wheel of ‘will i tit myself after having touched the pineapple rings with raw chickeny hands’ will add a frisson of excitement to your evening

 

[Pocahontas]

That birthday pile is so bleeping embarrassing...and surely disappointing by Jack's standards? No curtains, large items of furniture, Emins etc.

That’s all off camera, with the wife

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

A family expert? I’m okay thanks love x

 

[Shawads]

@Shawads that gave me all the feels, lmao.
Amazing!

Thankspaceyou I was shaking when I wrote it. I knew it was a masterpiece. #stayhumble

@Shawads that is the greatest story ever told. Do you have a patreon or editor I could send some teething necklaces and shopping trolleys to?

Thankyou. I'm in the process of setting up a patreom and a gofundme. I'm aiming for something in the region of about 60k please. Just to pay off my mortgage and then I'll go back to my usual frugality. I can't rent at my age.

@Shawads Amazing story

Heart rending. Thankspaceyou. Its a very meaningful piece. I'm glad I finally found a niche to get all up into

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

Yo, sorry, I don’t mean to be policing. Go on discussing Jack’s gender expression. I’ll just say I deleted my old account here after the last NB Jack phase, because I don’t need to read about the harmful effects/“trend” of trans people. But I came back. Can we keep it Jack-specific? There is a lot to say when it comes to her and gender, of course. But, this feels like a stretch, and if you have to say you don’t think NB is a bad thing...

Sorry, I’m doing a terrible job of not commenting. And I have no clout here. Just sharing why I deleted my account.

A few pages behind but thank you for sharing this, it’s not policing (IMO!) it’s a nice reminder to keep the threads as inclusive and kind as possible. No one needs “clout” to encourage us to do that, and us fraus are v receptive to stuff like this so please don’t feel like you shouldn’t be commenting.

Also ngl the thing I love about tattle is there is no clout hierarchy and we all get to chat with each other. Don’t feel like you’ve got to delete bb

PS - laying out the presents for Twitter? How tacky

 

[SarcasticEllis]

Aside from the wife card (), what is ‘culinary concepts’ and what does the £50 buy?
Is it a cookery lesson??

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

Aside from the wife card (), what is ‘culinary concepts’ and what does the £50 buy?
Is it a cookery lesson??

It’s tacky expensive tit, so right up her street

 

[SarcasticEllis]

It’s tacky expensive tit, so right up her street

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It’s the Liberace house of crap
£50 won’t go far there...

 

[Shawads]

It’s tacky expensive tit, so right up her street

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IMagine if someone really was dirt poor and you gave them a voucher for this place??? Not only would it be insulting as such an expensive frippery but you would have to break into your own sparse income to top up the voucher to actually afford it.
Thank guck Jack isn't poor anymore or that could have backfired terribly.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

Itemised problems with present display

1. Hygge book part a) she is always so late to the party. Even Fika has come and gone. Yawn.

2. Wife card. This may be a personal issue (I do not go in for wife/daughter cards anyway) but why would you buy a wife card and essentially call your girlfriend/partner your wife WHEN YOU ARE NOT MARRIED? Refusing to repeat my marriage rant that I did months ago but she can gtf.

3. Hygge book part b) seeing and hearing about Hack lighting candles, wearing socks and cosying up to non wife is really not going to help anyone on here. Added to the fact her whole life is already hygged. She does nothing.

4. Money. Nice, nice particularly for everyone who is struggling to find any money to pay for anything right about now.

The only thing I am excited about is seeing all the expensive gifts she squirrelled away that we can trianglulate in the months to come.

Oh, and Sunday’s fisticuffs at 1.30.