Brian Butterfield
VIP Member
<inserts one of us gif>
- Notice
TheDragonWithAFlagon
VIP Member
By the way, on this date several million years ago, I turned down the offer of spending a Guinness-fuelled night with a geeky guitarist. He walked me home, lifted up my stupid novelty hat, kissed me Goodnight on the forehead and went back to his place alone. Still saw him regularly around and in the months following that, I found out that he had the ability to make me literally double up with laughter.
He's just come back in from buying some cat litter, kissed me on the top of the head and said 'Happy Turning Me Down Day'.
I might not be on here for much longer tonight.
Lá 'le Pádraig sona dhaoibh!
He's just come back in from buying some cat litter, kissed me on the top of the head and said 'Happy Turning Me Down Day'.
I might not be on here for much longer tonight.
Lá 'le Pádraig sona dhaoibh!
Silver Linings
VIP Member
Flibbertigibbet
VIP Member
Unfluencer
Well-known member
This oven tray is dirtier than my exes browsing history.
Pocahontas
VIP Member
Karate Jack.
Alansbigplate
VIP Member
and this part of the pineapple is where tampons come from
Boyo
VIP Member
You don‘t want crotch sweat on your freshly washed hair? Well, lah-di-fuckin-dah, your highness.
spirals
Well-known member
If I am ever tempted to feel sorry for Jack, all I need to do is looking at that fucking wheelchair in her bio which is STILL THERE. She is a superlyingfragiletwistednarcywhiningtoerag.
My poor mum has osteoarthritis, lives alone and can barely walk anymore and I haven't seen her since Christmas 2019. She is totally stoic, barely complains even though she is lonely and in constant pain. I have zero patience for Jack's nonsense today.
My poor mum has osteoarthritis, lives alone and can barely walk anymore and I haven't seen her since Christmas 2019. She is totally stoic, barely complains even though she is lonely and in constant pain. I have zero patience for Jack's nonsense today.
Pocahontas
VIP Member
I don’t know why, but the forty quid in the middle is kind of endearing - like I’d display all my pressies and birthday money like that when I was a smol one as well.
ChickenPorridge
VIP Member
I knew it! The breakup thing is a load of bollox. Happened as soon as the brexit tin thief landed that big job this time last year. Trying to distance herself from calamity Jack. The whole Covid thing was a joke and the two of them should've been held accountable. Ridiculous! People giving her money/her telling everyone her rent bounces every month when she's shacked up with the news exec. Ninny post obviously your honour but I mean, really. Pffft.
I don't even feel guilty, I loved that live!
She's got no talent for presenting or food despite the years she's sunk into this career and still gets paid for it. You've got to admire that.
The brash cocky Twitter persona is replaced with a mouse that you wouldn't say boo to.
The recipe was awful, the delivery was awful and the on brand delmonte corporate sell was a masterclass in how not to naturally advertise.
So delmonte have been doing this pineapple thing for a while and that somehow makes them superior quality? How? I love facts to backup statements! Oh they only sell the best part of the pineapple in rings but they all also sell the inferior parts in other tinned delmonte goods
It's a win win, she got paid her 6 figures and put on an entertaining show for us.
I hope she does the tuna mayo in tinned peaches next
I even bought delmonte fresh pineapple todayit's the only fresh pineapple Lidl sell.
She's got no talent for presenting or food despite the years she's sunk into this career and still gets paid for it. You've got to admire that.
The brash cocky Twitter persona is replaced with a mouse that you wouldn't say boo to.
The recipe was awful, the delivery was awful and the on brand delmonte corporate sell was a masterclass in how not to naturally advertise.
So delmonte have been doing this pineapple thing for a while and that somehow makes them superior quality? How? I love facts to backup statements! Oh they only sell the best part of the pineapple in rings but they all also sell the inferior parts in other tinned delmonte goods
It's a win win, she got paid her 6 figures and put on an entertaining show for us.
I hope she does the tuna mayo in tinned peaches next
I even bought delmonte fresh pineapple today
Shawads
VIP Member
I am early hours grunking because I have terrible teeth. I'm on strong drugs so while I'm under the influence I just want to say 'I love you guys'
I'm picturing the Mel donte office.
There's a plucky young intern, she can't get anyone to take her seriously (possibly rebel Wilson, still to be decided) .
She's taken under the wing of a high flying ad executive who has lived and breathed Mel donte for 40 years (meryl streep) .
Plucky young intern tells the jaded mentor she's heard about this woman who is a wife, mother, sister, norn Irish Greek cypriot activist, food writer and presenter.
plucky young intern tells the poverty story while the jaded ad exec stifles a yawn and picks lint off her clothes (to burn later)
As plucky young intern reaches the end of her monologue she utters the fateful words 'and get this mate, not only does she tick all the boxes, but she has written a book about cooking with Tinned food and most of what she makes is out of a can, she'd be perfect to run a collab with!'
Jaded ad exec's eyes flash for a millisecond (camera zooms in to catch this micro, nay, meeekro moment)
Jaded ad exec quickly regains her composure and tells the intern 'nice idea mate but not for us, you're bottom of the (Tinned) food chain, leave the collab ideas to me. Now go and get me a triple fried sticky chicken latte and remember if anyone asks you it's vegan'
Plucky young intern is downcast, eyes to the floor, shoulders slumped. Hiding the tears in her eyes she makes her way to the quirky coffee shop where the handsome widower owner gives her a shoulder to cry on. (sub plot: the cafe owner is a gadzillionaire and is truly in love with our plucky young heroine)
Plucky young intern takes a deep breath, puts on her big girl pants and makes her way back to Mel Donte Towers.
Cut to: marketing think tank meeting around a huge table, hipsters as far as the eye can see.
The editor 'I'm sick of all your bullshit ideas, regurgitated this, spat up that, gimme something new, come on people, I need IDEAS!!!'
Plucky young intern looks at her mentor, she silently asks a question with her big innocent eyes. Ad exec makes an almost imperceptible movement as if to say 'don't even go there sister'.
Plucky young intern knows where she is in the food chain and keeps quiet.
The rest of the team around the table are silent. They know if they don't pull something new out of the can, one of them will be canned.
It's a tense moment.
Suddenly ad exec exclaims, 'EUREKA!' (It's a Greek word, did I mention that this film is also a bit about hilarious Greek families?)
Ad exec slaps the table, everyone jumps.
'by jove! I think I've got it!'
Everyone turns to face ad exec as she tells an amazing story about a brave woman who through no fault of her own found herself living on the breadline, all alone with smol boy and 'shit poor' .
'But wait, it doesn't end there, she's also a wife, mother, sister , norn Irish Greek cypriot activist, food writer and presenter. AND! and! get this mate, not only does she tick all the boxes, but she has written a book about cooking with Tinned food and most of what she makes is out of a can, she'd be perfect to run a collab with!'
The room is stunned. You can hear a pin drop. The atmosphere is electric, everyone is wooping and fizzing, the air is thick with hooting.
They all get up to congratulate the ad exec. She's beaming, and everyone is relieved, no heads are gonna roll today.
Nobody notices baby in the corner, our plucky young intern silently weeping.
Cut to the next scene :
It's nine months later. Back in the marketing think tank meeting, all around the table again.
'Here we go everyone the moment we've been waiting for'
Plucky young intern tops up everyone's drink with fruit sugar water and they all toast the jaded ad exec and drink straight from the can.
On the wall in front is a giant projection of the collaboration with the poverty actor Queen of Hearts.
The video plays.
The room is eerily silent. Ad exec looks around at her colleagues to guage their reaction. Her hands start to shake.
She makes eye contact with her editor who silently mouths the words 'this is not good. Not good at all'. The editor then uses her finger across her neck to make the international sign of the throat being cut.
The plucky young intern has her hands over her face but peeks out between her fingers just in time to see Ad exec's face is white.
Cut to scene:
Ad exec is packing a box and snot crying huge jagged sobs. She is moaning and wailing. muttering about her second home and the down payment on a flashy car. 'what am I going to do now? I was already in debt, this is going to clear me out'. The security guards escort her wailing, from the building.
Plucky young intern can't bear to see ad exec take the flack for her bad idea.
She watches guiltily as ad exec is taken, howling from the building.
She goes to the quirky coffee shop and the secret gadzillionaire owner listens as she pours her beautiful heart out.
'what can I do to make it right?'
The secret gadzillionaire coffee shop owner stares deeeep into her endless eyes. He has never loved her more than this moment
'listen to your heart daphne. All the answers are deeeep within us'
Daphne stares at him, she's shot through the heart by cupids arrow. They are in love.
She doesn't want to leave him but she knows she has important work to do. 'I'll deal with you later' she winks lasciviously.
Back in the office, plucky young intern is with the editor '.... So you see, it was my idea all along. If anyone needs to be canned it's me'.
The editor is blown away by both her beauty and her honesty.
'OK daphne, I'm doing this for you. Nobody else. You have an amazing career ahead of you. Never lose your pluck, honesty or beauty'.
Cut to new scene. It's two years later
Plucky young intern is playing with two babies, they look like cherubs. She is talking on the phone at the same time and looks amazing, really polished, well dressed, professional but understated make up.
Handsome quirky coffee shop guy is behind her, stroking her neck lovingly while he gazes at her with their babies. The perfect mom, and wife. Camera zooms in to her left hand. For a minute we are bedazzled by the diamond, it's huge but understated, tasteful.
There's a knock on the door, the door opens and as it does we we see a sign on the door: daphne, advertising executive.
In the door comes her old jaded mentor. She looks a bit sad, down on her luck, chicken grease on her denim shirt. She hands daphne a can of sugary fruit juice.
Daphne speaks into her phone 'excuse me, I have to go. My INTERN is here with my drink.'
Daphne smiles fondly at the ad exec. Ad exec smiles back. 'I'll never forget how good you've been to me after I stole your idea and it backfired terribly leaving me broke and friendless'
Daphne looked out from under her princess Diana fringe (bangs).
'the woman from Mel Donte, she say, no man is an island. we're your friends now '
The camera pans out to show that the office is no longer in the busy streets of downtown manhattan but is actually on a tropical island.
Quirky coffee shop gadzillionaire owner bought the company for his one true love, daphne, and moved them to the tropical island where they can the fruit at source.
Mel Donte has gone from strength to strength.
The employees are treated so fairly there that they've become a business model for all corporations and daphne travels the world with her babies teaching big business men like Alan sugar how to care for their employees *especially* their interns.
The final scene is a huge corporate event, everyone is cheering and clapping and crying for beautiful daphne and her spunk and spirit.
jaded ad exec walks on to the stage, they hold hands and bow.
Cue calypso music.
Closing Credits roll.
There are some hilarious outtakes
The End
There's a plucky young intern, she can't get anyone to take her seriously (possibly rebel Wilson, still to be decided) .
She's taken under the wing of a high flying ad executive who has lived and breathed Mel donte for 40 years (meryl streep) .
Plucky young intern tells the jaded mentor she's heard about this woman who is a wife, mother, sister, norn Irish Greek cypriot activist, food writer and presenter.
plucky young intern tells the poverty story while the jaded ad exec stifles a yawn and picks lint off her clothes (to burn later)
As plucky young intern reaches the end of her monologue she utters the fateful words 'and get this mate, not only does she tick all the boxes, but she has written a book about cooking with Tinned food and most of what she makes is out of a can, she'd be perfect to run a collab with!'
Jaded ad exec's eyes flash for a millisecond (camera zooms in to catch this micro, nay, meeekro moment)
Jaded ad exec quickly regains her composure and tells the intern 'nice idea mate but not for us, you're bottom of the (Tinned) food chain, leave the collab ideas to me. Now go and get me a triple fried sticky chicken latte and remember if anyone asks you it's vegan'
Plucky young intern is downcast, eyes to the floor, shoulders slumped. Hiding the tears in her eyes she makes her way to the quirky coffee shop where the handsome widower owner gives her a shoulder to cry on. (sub plot: the cafe owner is a gadzillionaire and is truly in love with our plucky young heroine)
Plucky young intern takes a deep breath, puts on her big girl pants and makes her way back to Mel Donte Towers.
Cut to: marketing think tank meeting around a huge table, hipsters as far as the eye can see.
The editor 'I'm sick of all your bullshit ideas, regurgitated this, spat up that, gimme something new, come on people, I need IDEAS!!!'
Plucky young intern looks at her mentor, she silently asks a question with her big innocent eyes. Ad exec makes an almost imperceptible movement as if to say 'don't even go there sister'.
Plucky young intern knows where she is in the food chain and keeps quiet.
The rest of the team around the table are silent. They know if they don't pull something new out of the can, one of them will be canned.
It's a tense moment.
Suddenly ad exec exclaims, 'EUREKA!' (It's a Greek word, did I mention that this film is also a bit about hilarious Greek families?)
Ad exec slaps the table, everyone jumps.
'by jove! I think I've got it!'
Everyone turns to face ad exec as she tells an amazing story about a brave woman who through no fault of her own found herself living on the breadline, all alone with smol boy and 'shit poor' .
'But wait, it doesn't end there, she's also a wife, mother, sister , norn Irish Greek cypriot activist, food writer and presenter. AND! and! get this mate, not only does she tick all the boxes, but she has written a book about cooking with Tinned food and most of what she makes is out of a can, she'd be perfect to run a collab with!'
The room is stunned. You can hear a pin drop. The atmosphere is electric, everyone is wooping and fizzing, the air is thick with hooting.
They all get up to congratulate the ad exec. She's beaming, and everyone is relieved, no heads are gonna roll today.
Nobody notices baby in the corner, our plucky young intern silently weeping.
Cut to the next scene :
It's nine months later. Back in the marketing think tank meeting, all around the table again.
'Here we go everyone the moment we've been waiting for'
Plucky young intern tops up everyone's drink with fruit sugar water and they all toast the jaded ad exec and drink straight from the can.
On the wall in front is a giant projection of the collaboration with the poverty actor Queen of Hearts.
The video plays.
The room is eerily silent. Ad exec looks around at her colleagues to guage their reaction. Her hands start to shake.
She makes eye contact with her editor who silently mouths the words 'this is not good. Not good at all'. The editor then uses her finger across her neck to make the international sign of the throat being cut.
The plucky young intern has her hands over her face but peeks out between her fingers just in time to see Ad exec's face is white.
Cut to scene:
Ad exec is packing a box and snot crying huge jagged sobs. She is moaning and wailing. muttering about her second home and the down payment on a flashy car. 'what am I going to do now? I was already in debt, this is going to clear me out'. The security guards escort her wailing, from the building.
Plucky young intern can't bear to see ad exec take the flack for her bad idea.
She watches guiltily as ad exec is taken, howling from the building.
She goes to the quirky coffee shop and the secret gadzillionaire owner listens as she pours her beautiful heart out.
'what can I do to make it right?'
The secret gadzillionaire coffee shop owner stares deeeep into her endless eyes. He has never loved her more than this moment
'listen to your heart daphne. All the answers are deeeep within us'
Daphne stares at him, she's shot through the heart by cupids arrow. They are in love.
She doesn't want to leave him but she knows she has important work to do. 'I'll deal with you later' she winks lasciviously.
Back in the office, plucky young intern is with the editor '.... So you see, it was my idea all along. If anyone needs to be canned it's me'.
The editor is blown away by both her beauty and her honesty.
'OK daphne, I'm doing this for you. Nobody else. You have an amazing career ahead of you. Never lose your pluck, honesty or beauty'.
Cut to new scene. It's two years later
Plucky young intern is playing with two babies, they look like cherubs. She is talking on the phone at the same time and looks amazing, really polished, well dressed, professional but understated make up.
Handsome quirky coffee shop guy is behind her, stroking her neck lovingly while he gazes at her with their babies. The perfect mom, and wife. Camera zooms in to her left hand. For a minute we are bedazzled by the diamond, it's huge but understated, tasteful.
There's a knock on the door, the door opens and as it does we we see a sign on the door: daphne, advertising executive.
In the door comes her old jaded mentor. She looks a bit sad, down on her luck, chicken grease on her denim shirt. She hands daphne a can of sugary fruit juice.
Daphne speaks into her phone 'excuse me, I have to go. My INTERN is here with my drink.'
Daphne smiles fondly at the ad exec. Ad exec smiles back. 'I'll never forget how good you've been to me after I stole your idea and it backfired terribly leaving me broke and friendless'
Daphne looked out from under her princess Diana fringe (bangs).
'the woman from Mel Donte, she say, no man is an island. we're your friends now '
The camera pans out to show that the office is no longer in the busy streets of downtown manhattan but is actually on a tropical island.
Quirky coffee shop gadzillionaire owner bought the company for his one true love, daphne, and moved them to the tropical island where they can the fruit at source.
Mel Donte has gone from strength to strength.
The employees are treated so fairly there that they've become a business model for all corporations and daphne travels the world with her babies teaching big business men like Alan sugar how to care for their employees *especially* their interns.
The final scene is a huge corporate event, everyone is cheering and clapping and crying for beautiful daphne and her spunk and spirit.
jaded ad exec walks on to the stage, they hold hands and bow.
Cue calypso music.
Closing Credits roll.
There are some hilarious outtakes
The End
Last edited by a moderator:
Pocahontas
VIP Member
Congratulations to @waffle maker for the thread title! 
your prize: mmm that unsealed bag of chicken juice and raw onion.
Recap of last thread
your prize: mmm that unsealed bag of chicken juice and raw onion.Recap of last thread
- She may have double booked..
- She was ‘burned out and furious’ in the eve of her birthday.
- ‘Enjoy your birthday, Jack’. SHAN’T. Lucky Del Monte.
- She ate this.
- She got a Colin cake from her Ma. Ah, that’s grand, so it is.
- She did her Live for Del Monte! She was five minutes late.
-
[*]
Please use the words ‘thread title’ (two separate words) when making a bid for one as it makes it easier to search. Also, try to hold off to the latter part of the thread if possible (after post #500). And remember - no swears are allowed.
New to Jack? Have a look at the wiki.
[*]
Shawads
VIP Member
I have just done a bit of low level triangulation and found that one of the people asking questions on the ig and fb posts ref the paid collaboration is actually someone with quite a lofty sounding job title at....
None other than.... Drum rrrrooooollllll...
Del Monte!
None other than.... Drum rrrrooooollllll...
Del Monte!
The Poverty Pineapple of Dreams
kachoochoo
VIP Member
while you're here, jack, there's a few things that need your attention 
thank you
thank you
£15 a week lunches
£20 shops as a whole
9 half-written manuscripts
35 recipes from a £20 shop, pick your fave
2000 words for print glossy
GQ awards
advent calendar
aged chicken thigh bone stock
base system going in next book
BBC show guest on dr rupy's iplayer show
big press photo shoots
BLM video monetization donation
blog post excited about for ages
book on culinary history
book signing in Belfast
books for slow cooker appeal
books for the rural coffee caravan
Brand New System for desk - wallpaper
Camp Kitchen from the shed
chestnut fudge thing
chicken livers
cinnamon granola recipe
coffee scrub
column for the Breakdown
comic filter security
Conditions of Bungalow Bubbling lessons
curating regular book recommendations
David Walliams book reviews
dauphinoise pie
depressipes
detailed blog on nutrition
devilled eggs recipe - completed it, mate
drawing nigella's garden
ethical on a budget
explain daily usage of pythagoras theorem
festive pop tarts
festive vegan loaf
food truck of joy
gailymail
great resources by trans + non binary writers
greek cook book
half-written budget xmas recipes
handing over her platform to poc
healthy on a bootstrap
helping disability and mental health writers
history of York road market
homemade hand sanitiser
homemade cleaning items
huge depop or Ebay sale
jackfruit version of something
James Bond conspiracy theory
Klingon gagh recipe
knit blanket
kolokythokeftedes recipe
kombucha whisky
lever arch files of fan mail
life hacks book
links to small businesses
lockdown larder 2.0 resumption threatened
lockdown list of services
maple syrup story
militant boiled eggs
mince pie doughnuts
mushroom drying completed 2018
newspaper campaign the fucking express
onion chopping song
ouchy mouth recipes
patreon update
pistachio milk
pointing out real plants
postcards, postcards, postcards
poverty memoir
puttanesca soup
radish recipes
recipe roundup on Instagram
recipes for small people
red ephemera soup recipe
repotting spider plants from a friend
rooting out Amazon from website
running around in heels with a Tall Man GQ awards 2020. no evidence of running or dancing, but Marcus is tall. she didn't even personally hand him the award.
sausage and kale slop
Secret Ingredient - possibly banana skin
secret stock ingredient potato water
sending maple syrup tin to fan
setting her teenage musings to music
sexy kitchen makeover reason
shopping trolley
sideboard photos reason
sleep hygiene routine
slow cooker bubble bath
slow cooker xmas dinner - before xmas 2021
some kind of timetable for SB in lockdown
super secret shopping trip hack
supper nanny
sweet and sour soup
sweet potato caramel
thrifty shades of beige
Thursday thunder clap
tin juice cordial recipe
tomato soup water content - done
transcribing and blogging non binary talk
translation of a Greek Cypriot cookbook
unorthodox cheese sauce - done
unorthodox courgette squishing
Up To Something
uses for juice from del monte tins
vegan char sui buns
vegan cheese list
vegan crackling
vegan haggis
vegan pastitsio in collab with veganuary Linda
vegan pie glaze
vegan version of upside down pineapple chicken
weekly routine
/SPOILER]
£20 shops as a whole
9 half-written manuscripts
35 recipes from a £20 shop, pick your fave
2000 words for print glossy
GQ awardsadvent calendar
aged chicken thigh bone stock
base system going in next book
BBC show
guest on dr rupy's iplayer showbig press photo shoots
BLM video monetization donation
blog post excited about for ages
book on culinary history
book signing in Belfast
books for slow cooker appeal
books for the rural coffee caravan
Brand New System for desk - wallpaper
Camp Kitchen from the shed
chestnut fudge thing
chicken livers
cinnamon granola recipe
coffee scrub
column for the Breakdown
comic filter security
Conditions of Bungalow Bubbling lessons
curating regular book recommendations
David Walliams book reviews
dauphinoise pie
depressipes
detailed blog on nutrition
devilled eggs recipe - completed it, mate
drawing nigella's garden
ethical on a budget
explain daily usage of pythagoras theorem
festive pop tarts
festive vegan loaf
food truck of joy
gailymail
great resources by trans + non binary writers
greek cook book
half-written budget xmas recipes
handing over her platform to poc
healthy on a bootstrap
helping disability and mental health writers
history of York road market
homemade hand sanitiser
homemade cleaning items
huge depop or Ebay sale
jackfruit version of something
James Bond conspiracy theory
Klingon gagh recipe
knit blanket
kolokythokeftedes recipe
kombucha whisky
lever arch files of fan mail
life hacks book
links to small businesses
lockdown larder 2.0 resumption threatened
lockdown list of services
maple syrup story
militant boiled eggs
mince pie doughnuts
mushroom drying
completed 2018newspaper campaign
the fucking expressonion chopping song
ouchy mouth recipes
patreon update
pistachio milk
pointing out real plants
postcards, postcards, postcards
poverty memoir
puttanesca soup
radish recipes
recipe roundup on Instagram
recipes for small people
red ephemera soup recipe
repotting spider plants from a friend
rooting out Amazon from website
running around in heels with a Tall Man
GQ awards 2020. no evidence of running or dancing, but Marcus is tall. she didn't even personally hand him the award.sausage and kale slop
Secret Ingredient - possibly banana skin
secret stock ingredient
potato watersending maple syrup tin to fan
setting her teenage musings to music
sexy kitchen makeover reason
shopping trolley
sideboard photos reason
sleep hygiene routine
slow cooker bubble bath
slow cooker xmas dinner - before xmas 2021
some kind of timetable for SB in lockdown
super secret shopping trip hack
supper nanny
sweet and sour soup
sweet potato caramel
thrifty shades of beige
Thursday thunder clap
tin juice cordial recipe
tomato soup water content - done
transcribing and blogging non binary talk
translation of a Greek Cypriot cookbook
unorthodox cheese sauce - done
unorthodox courgette squishing
Up To Something
uses for juice from del monte tins
vegan char sui buns
vegan cheese list
vegan crackling
vegan haggis
vegan pastitsio in collab with veganuary Linda
vegan pie glaze
vegan version of upside down pineapple chicken
weekly routine
/SPOILER]
Boyo
VIP Member
Are we witnessing the birthing of the ’changing nose’ origin story?
Silver Linings
VIP Member
Karate tweet deleted.
ETA - All three deleted. Wtaf.
ETA - All three deleted. Wtaf.